Friday, January 26, 2024

This Is Where I've Been

 It's a good morning, the sun is out going to be 70 today

Can't ask for a better way to head in the weekend

Looking forward to PCH and Mugu rock to shoot pictures

Cannot wait to get outside and get more sun


Last night was very stressful

Being honest and opening up can wear you down

I was battered and beaten

But like a good workout, it felt pretty good


I wish my honesty would have come earlier in my life

Years before I met Terria, I had a first wife

At the time we talked about growing old together

We never quite made it , I was only 30


So here I was a single parent trying to raise a 7 year old baby boy

No idea what I was doing so I errored on the side of tough love

MY first wife left us for another man

This destroyed my son and broke my soul


3  years of therapy for my boy

No therapy for me and the kettle began to simmer

Until I met my first wife I never felt worthy

She was a magic trick and I was fooled, poof there she went


It also turned out she was my best friends sister

I asked for permission, he said hell yes

I never wanted kids we talked about it 

She became pregnant, she was 20, I was 23.


I was a shock to us all, I didn't want kids she warmed me up to the idea

Many rough times and 7 years later

She left us for a better life

As it turns out she was diagnosed with mental issues, maybe that explains it all


I fought those years for my son, failed so much

He was not doing well and I needed to get him help now

We went to See Jan Baker, a special woman and even better Psychologist

She helped Brandon so much, she moved out of state the work wasn't finished


Brandon was so blessed to have an amazing grandmother, his Aunt was a definite plus in our lives

They helped me take care of my baby boy, so I could work and pay the bills

31 years have passed since then

He is a father of my 2 grandsons Fox and Wilder. Love


So there is a sense of incompletion

MY thoughts and memories of that time

I never processed my issues properly.

IS that why I'm incomplete now


It took me years to trust others, I feared I could be hurt again

So I dated 100's of women

Unfortunately most just for one night

This is something that still bothers me

That I hurt others long before this

The seed was planted early

The weeds were never picked


I still have the flashbacks of this era

Could have been the beginning of my end

I remember telling Terria "I'm an asshole" even back then

I know I wasn't wired for this this but she made it work so well

Gave me reasons to improve my life

And I did with all of her goodness

Then became what Is Modern Day Greg


That same asshole who will self destruct 

Taking everything that is good in my life and discarding like it never mattered

Yes I've carried someone else's garbage bag for years

I won't blame this for my current situation on this


Will I ever know who I am?

After my boatload of apologies

Broken promises broken hearts

I seek out salvation and forgiveness

And Yet I wonder how that works

Is a person supposed to get this many chances

To right all of the wrongs he's committed

I don't know how or why but I'm still supported, cared about and loved





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