I'm Awake

 It's after midnight I'm exhausted

The chemo is kicking my ass

But I'm coming back to win this fight

Tomorrow brings another dose, bring it on

I have the world in my corner

My family of siblings and friends

My new family of beautiful people

We love we laugh we cry

It's 1246 in the morning

Sleep is nnot calling my name

I ponder what tomorrow bring to me

I'll enjoy every moment I'm alive

I'm fighting many battles right now

My health , my sons unhappiness

I'm trying to organize my plan of attack for each

So I put on the gloves and say "lets get it on"

When I think about my support group

The pains of worry I put them through

I'm reminded of what they tell me everyday

If it were us you'd be right there fighting for us

I cried the day I received flowers in the hospital

The card that came and the love inside

The pictures of my goddesses make me realize

I wanna stick around and enjoy this party

I'm in a good place right now

My body would beg to differ

My body and I have fought many battles at an early age

As I've aged they have grown in stature

I'm fighting to fulfill many orders to keep

Momma always told me to make a difference

Help others and never bring it up again

So I think I've helped a few, you know who you are

I'm in love with so much and so many

God knows I don't ask for much

I rarely pray for myself , I don't pray for a cure

But I pray for those who are sad where I am

When tomorrow comes and I believe it will

I'm not finished giving of myself or resources

I have so much left to give

And many people I can help

So God if you take me away

I understand and look forward to seeing momma and dad

If I'm spared I will make it worth your time

I devote myself to being a better man, father and Lover

So I'm exhausted and will force myself to sleep

Thinking about my loves in life you all know who you are

I turn the page on today

Tomorrow is a new chapter I look forward to

Sending love out to family, my girls and my chance to make a difference

Flawed

 I can look in the mirror and easily see the truths

So many years of looking the other way

So many times I would wipe that very mirror

And leave so much dirt behind

Recognition and consequence

Reminders of what I'm capable of

I can set the world on fire

I can burn my own house down

Playing with fragile pieces of artwork

The heart does what it can do

The mind presses forward for resolution

The acts of betrayal never to be forgotten

I remind myself that right and wrong are in my hands

I know I'm a better man than I was able to become

Raised with love and awareness and the wherewithal

To be that better man that I never became

Today I live in remorse for many things

The things I've given away

The things I took from others

The love that will never return from the Abyss

Always tried to be spiritually stable

Knowing the difference between heaven and hell

Putting myself on the dark side of town

My dark side has won and I'm still lost

I'm not a diamond in the rough

I'm not a turd sprinkled with hope

I'm flawed and repentant

And ashamed of the person I've become

I live in a minefield of missteps

Each flawed characteristic waiting to blow me away

I know where my danger lies

Unfortunately I realize my flawed capabilities

Today is a new day

Rebuild this broken fortress

Relinquish the guilt of ruining lives

Make a difference asshole or go away 

I Miss

 I miss the morning noises

I hear our puppy getting ready for his day

His tiny paws running out to play

I miss the warmth of a loving heart

I miss the anticipation of her arrival

I do miss my journey home to the happy place

I try to relate to all thats lost

I miss being Mr. Duran

I miss the long drives

I take these drives solo now

I do miss the great conversations

Singing and swaying to the music

I miss the thoughts of love

The feelings of being loved

I miss saying I love you

I created my own demise

I miss being cared for

I miss being adored and loved so much

I've missed out on so many things

I get my love from foreign places

I miss being the funny man

Getting you to laugh was never easy

You wouldn't give me the satisfaction

So I laughed at myself instead

I miss my kids so much

I miss the warmth of that big hug and kiss

I know I'll never get that feeling back

Just an afterthought of a man's mistakes

I've terrorized myself for being me

I don't miss the constant ass whipping

Self-inflicted pains from missing so much

I miss my Ms. Duran

I am missing out on her best life

Because I'm the reason she now lives it

Free of headaches and worry

She won't feel my pains its not her responsibility

I miss the levels of love I was adorned with

I miss the love I returned in kind

I miss my cupcake I didn't bake

My misbehaving I could not shake

I'm not happy and I'm not sad

I've lived my best life already

I missed out on so much more

I have to accept that living my fun life will suffice

I miss being the focal point of your day

Some days you are still mine to keep

Mine to lose and not my choice anymore

So I miss out but do know why

Some Thoughts

 Today was a throwback day 

I'm exploring my love for music again

I went out taking pictures today

I felt like writing a bit

Simple things that make me who I truly am

A song to sing along to

A picture of people at the beach

Writing about the bullshit I call mine

It's a simple life that I've complicated

I try to simplify but I'm not that simple

So I carry on and repair and replace

Want what I want now

Impatience still kicks my ass

Intolerance can piss me off 

But it's my world now

I can give a shit if I choose to

I was never predictable

But to be unpredictable

Now my daily ritual consists of

Trips to the gym and beach......religiously!

I love to be alone

Thinking out loud at times

Forever belittling myself for stupid things

Always forgiving myself for being an idiot

I often enjoy things I never thought of

Sleeping in a real bed

Retired and sleeping in until 11

Talking to people I don't know, just because

It's a different time in my life

Simple but complex at times

Removing emotions from my space

I can walk away from or towards anything I choose

So ,I will continue to wait for my retirement checks to come

take my trips when I feel the need

No schedules to follow just the lines in the road

The joys of retirement and getting old

The world I know

 I can't take back the nights

I hope to survive until sunrise

Apologies are meaningless

Hearts are in pieces everywhere

I won't look back anymore

The glass is broken beyond repair

Time for a new set of glasses

Time for a new perspective

I won't reach out

I can't pick up the phone anymore

No one calls or picks up the phone 

Time to change the number and turn another page

I can listen to the advice given

I see the error of my ways

Thats alright there's nobody to hurt anymore

The freedom to live the carefree life

Fast forward to my next test

Driving towards a rest stop to replenish

The restrictions of a life gone by

So many open avenues to travel

I've been very blessed

My failures never stopped me 

My victories were savored and forgotten

The new days bring opportunities I choose

If you say I had it all

I'd say it wasn't enough

I'm not as flawed as I thought

I'm just where I need to be

My head is on a swivel

No idea what I'm looking for

Don't want or need anything

The joys of the search to evolve

I'm not looking for an outcome

Unimpeded on my roads to somewhere

The beauty of my daily grind

No responsibilities, my world to own

Missing Pieces

I never understood how I searched for what was missing

Even in the calmest seas the waves were always crashing

 Looking for the things that I never needed

Never content with what I held in my hands

The missing pieces were always in place

Yet I tried to find it somewhere else

I don't blame you, myself  or anybody else

Just the realization of flaws and faults and a fragile mind

As time goes by the search slows down

I don't need anything, want anything I just don't

I smell the coffee, the roses and stop looking outside

Everything that matters is within my stride

No more dreams and visions of yesterday

It has all settled in and where it should be

No more missing pieces or chapters in my life

I accept my fate and final dates to be alive

the 1975 - somebody else // lyrics