Time Off

 I've been on this forum nonstop since November.

I am running out of things to say and have been a one trick pony here for awhile now.

Most of what I've been writing has been of my feelings from my recent divorce and just overall bad disposition for so many reasons. I can honestly say that opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings has been good and therapeutic for my mind and soul

I am running on empty right now and have nothing positive or negative to add to any of the recent posts. There's quite a bit going on with me and plenty of unresolved deep feelings and emotions that I won't have answers to any time soon if ever

So I might take a few days away from here to refresh and replenish the mind to hopefully gather whatever clarity there is to see out there. I'm missing so many conversation and visits to familiar place with familiar people to share the days with. There will come a time when I can wash away the dirty laundry I'm bringing to this world right now. So I will bang my head a little bit and see if I can shake up some positivity and share it back to those who choose to listen. 

Monday is almost behind me now so I look over the fog and overcast to see rays of sunshine and brightness. Saying hello to those who choose not to respond back to me 

The way it is

 There's a battle taking place right now

The mind and the body are going at it

The heart and soul are right next to it all

Waiting for some sort of outcome

It's wet and cold outside tonight

A weekend wasted on inclement weather

Another day to sit and think

Was it really supposed to be like this

I never imagined a feeble existence

I would never imagine being alone

But I guess fate has dealt me my hand

Play the cards that are on the table

I hope that tomorrow brings some hope

Nothing dramatic but a calm in the clouds

If the rains must fall upon me now

Give me some shelter and show me the way

Sorry and Goodbye

 I've never felt so sorry

But I've never felt sorry enough

This life I've wasted on frivolity

Has finally got the best of me

Too many times I've had an option

So many times the options were good

I could always find the worst of all options

I wear it like a cape of cowardice

I could never walk away from the depths of hate

When you hate yourself where do you go

This freight train running down the hill

Had brakes that I chose not to use

I've said goodbye to all that was great

Or it was told to me on my way out

I try not to look back it hurts too much

Complacent in all the wrong places

I say goodbye to my troubled past

My questionable future holds no boundaries

I try so hard to be a righteous man

Will my efforts mean anything in the end

Nobody who has been devastated wants to hear sorry

Show me proof that there has been change

When all I feel is sorrow and embarrassment

I can't fool myself any longer and won't try

The day of reckoning is upon me

The fork is there dividing my path

Which way should I jump is someone calling me

I'm not ready to go down that road yet

Shine the light

 I'm not going to pull any punches here

I'm at a point where I can't put one thought next to another

This mind numbing madness is getting the best of me

This seems so much more than depression

Depression makes people want to wear a bullet

I don't feel worthy of the 60 cents to spend

Makes me wonder why more people don't take their own lives

I could never do it, I'm much too vain

I miss so much of my former life

The love, comfort and warmth

To know someone loves you so much

And that I loved her back even more

The earth shattering emptiness inside

It's like an empty arena with room for thoughts

They're the thoughts that put people in the ground

They're the reason I must fight this fight

I know I miss my family so much

It saddens me to overthink it's magnitude on me

There's something in this to be learned

If there is I can't wait too much longer

Reassure me that there is a bright light up the road

A beacon that shines hope and some lasting peace

A sign that tells me she's going to be alright

And that I'm around to see her joy again

Where did it go?

 There are so many things trying to take over my brain right now

System overload involving Friday, the upcoming weekend

Not much room for negativity

Just staying with the basics and what I do best

I have dreams again about my former life

Taking me back to places and times. 

When things were normal and there was a routine

Only to wake up to the chaotic questions

It doesn't seem odd for me to go back in time

Too many good life experiences and fond memories

It was a better life with a world so small

A look across the table said it all

There was so much love that we shared

Funny stupid comments that we understood so well

To be be called dumb was a smart thing

Who can forget Frankie Frankfurter and the peeenut man

With life's complexities we lived a simple life

So much thought and passion went into our days

The end results don't indicate this world I owned

These results and actions have left me empty and alone.

I wonder if she's watching

I wonder if she cares

The struggles and the pains we both feel

And now I've fallen down the stairs

When I look up to the life I've left behind

I see the layers of degradation

My mind, my body and soul have left me

And I don't know where it all went

Not Much To Share

 It's truly a lazy day today

Physically not much energy and emotionally just paying the bills

Nobody rides for free

Nobody rides for fun

The daily ritual of looking out the window

Trying to determine the weather and state of mind

Should be curtailed by knowledge of impending rain

Really the weather shouldn't determine my mood

I am trying to alter my outlook

Putting too much emphasis on my failures

Inhibits any chance for positive growth

A pity party is not a fun party to be at

Winding down another day

Leaning into a good weekend

Looks like the weatherman won't be kind

And bless me with some warm Sunshine 

Where Am I?

 There's allot of moisture in the air

It's not rain or snow

There's a density pulling down from the sky

It's not good or bad it just is

I have yet to determine whether it be friend or foe

I can't leave it alone and let it die

What is this thing that puzzles me so

Too much time too many idle thoughts

Maybe there's some therapeutic value to this all

To move on from the doldrums into a fire

It might wake me up from this purgatorial state

Is purgatorial even a real word

I'm no wordsmith although I was touted as such

Don't believe a word I say it was probably made up

This oddly frightening place that I'm in

I wish I could start all over again

Here is now yesterday's long gone

There's a dream at the end of each sentence I wish were true

To wear the worlds pressure over my head

The sign will always read "room for rent"