Heavy on my mind

 It's a typical Monday morning

Colder than normal

I'm not sure how I'm feeling today

I don't yet carry the knot in my gut

Feeing again lost in space

The reaccuring feelings of disappointment have taken a break

It's early though and they will return

To make me hate myself again

With so much much time to rethink

I'm constantly thinking about others pain

I know mine is kicking my ass

And there nothing I can do

It's been suggested that I seek therapy

I've seriously thought about it

There's a bigger part of me that says I should

A smaller part says for what? 

For myself, for whom?

I don't care enough about me

Everything that mattered is gone

I don't want to be a better person for me, I'm not worth it

It's an odd space to occupy

Nobody to care for, nor myself

Purpose is finding itself very irrelevant 

If it mattered I would have fixed my shit earlier

It's so late in my game to evolve

My biggest concern is to live long enough

To die with something I can leave my son

Besides being a shitty father and horrible role model as a husband

Retirement is upon me soon

May be less than a year

I really don't care 

I just want to get there

With all that's heavy on my mind today

Regrets and guilt, pain and suffering

There's really only an upward path to be taken

Let's see if I take a path at all!