Suppression and Expression

Friday morning and lazy as fuck today, very dreary and overcast this morning and hoping the sun pokes it's way out today for golfing later on this morning! My nephew Bradley canceled breakfast so I'm going to the gym first then to find something to eat then head to the course and have a great day. in respect to last nights therapy session I  think I was finally able to table the load of uncertainty that I feel at times, the vulnerabilities that I always hid and kept to myself and shut out the world to my my plight.I think i realized that I can do it all but why? Why not allow the good things in my life to share the load of good and of bad and essentially be a real person who feels and hurts and allows those who matter in our lives take a hold of our hand and help or enjoy whatever it is we are doing. As I always tend to say, life is simple and the complications we incur are generally man made issues that we create on our own and don't have at times the sophistication to to correct them, or some go into panic mode and re create even bigger issues as a result of the lack of coping skills we as human beings have. Those like me have the coping skills but suppress the feeling portion of things for the sake of job completion and forget the real reasons we live, to feel and enjoy and deal with things by taking them on full head on! I think i was able to access myself last night and really see what it is I do at times,i have at times been able to move outside myself and see what it is I do and either catch myself before I say or do something counter-productive or recognize it after the fact and have no problem admitting I am wrong when in fact I am. So there is growth is so many ways and so many news ways to skin my own personal cat in a  way of speaking. I truly feel that i can unload my anger, my fear and my insecurities on Terria and she can and has done the same,me being the overcomplicating soul was addressed last night as well, maybe a control and insecurity issue at the fact that i feel the need to communicate at Nauseum at times and at other times ball up and shut down when it gets painful or uncomfortable, also noted that I can try to make light of things that are not easy for to hear or deal with with my humor and making light of the situation, these are all acts of suppression and escape methods for me, damn i must be a fucked up funny mother fucker than because everything is funny to me, even retarded shit like the Palin family and dumbasses who do sock puppets or balloon figure son the street, mother fucking stupid shit just makes me laugh. Well it must be suppression now as I am rambling on and have a not so busy day in fron to f me, just Golf and maybe hang out with Tim and Ape later on this eve . So the growth continues for the Gregasaurus /Saurus, the real characters of who I am are never far away, i can always be committed to being me and keeping my shit real, thats just the way it is. I know that Therapy was always something I frowned upon and yet always recommended to people, I have friends gong to my therapist and they love the guy as we do and reap the  benefits of opening up the vault of dirty laundry and taking it out to be cleaned, in my cae te "grab Bag " of bad habits and self sabotaging ways is where I can always go. I have never ever NOT been loved or adored and admired, I can say that throughout my life I have always made an impact on people somehow, either through my big heartedness or my humor, there is always something that I leave that s positive and for that I am truly grateful and feel a  sense of accomplishment. But doing for others is easy, doing for myself is the hard part, saying I'm selfish is about things and stuff and possessions that i want or places that I want to go and be at, not the inner core of who i am, the selfish acts are in fact ways that I continually suppress the feeling aspects of my life, be it a childhood memory of my dad's alcoholism or to my potential volatile behaviors of inner anger towards all those who are not loving and giving people. Either way I can grow as I will naturally grow, I do think very deeply , too deep at times and the regulation button is always there but I don't always find it. So  a special thanks to Morales for enabling me to see and to feel again, and for the fact that his stories are not only dead on and helpful and funnier than shit, but he does have our best interests at heart and wants me to be that special husband that I truly can be to Terria by giving her emotionally everything I have, i cannot buy the things that make her happy, she has told me that on many occasions and i cannot buy my ow happiness as a result of nearly 20 motorcycles in an 11 year span, the replacement for substance with things is never a good avenue, i know this for a fact but yet am still not a materialistic person, what I have is nice, and what i do is never cheap but this is not who i am nor is it who Terria is, we do because we can and like to, not because we have  to or feel the need to . We share and give so much just in the everyday conversations we have , the laughs and the tears are expressive ways to share the love we have and to know where the other persons heart is at at all times. You will never know unless you ask, or unless you listen to what your mate is saying and doing and asking for...listening is as important as the speaking. And damn have i spoken enough today or what, it's relatively early and i have spouted enough for the morning session on the Saurus network of babble and spew. got to get back to my day and get it stared , headed to either Bally's or the base to work out then definitely going to hit balls before we golf