The Road To Wherever I Want To be

Kind of an emotional whirlwind last night, some emotions were shared by Terria and I and maybe some misconceptions of my thought process and how i deal with the everyday issues that hinder me, for one my knees and the pains that i suppress with them each and every day, sometimes i make do as if everything is alright but recently they have been sore and have not allowed me to sleep and i get up and sleep on the couch as soon as Terria falls fully asleep, and try to come back before she wakes up, little things of communication and at time we assume that the other knows what is actually going on inside of us but we don't always connect. eventually we talk and find that we are either on the same page or not on the same page and for that i am glad that we are able to make it all right in the end. Last night i was puzzled at her emotional state and asked  what was wrong, what did i do now, half jokingly and half serious and she said,"why do i assume that i did something wrong? I don't always assume that but the fact that i can sense when she is not altogether happy or that something is bothering her i always want her to share that with me, but as i tell my wife it is not my place to drag things out of her and she should be more receptive to openly telling me that she is mad, or sad , or something is deeply bothering her. i need to know these things so that i can do whetever I can to help ease the pains ,pressures or the cause that makes this feeling permeate! I can also say that sometime I refuse to complain about my ailments and take care of my own pains the way i do everything, without incident and as quietly as possible and never want to infringe on anybody when i can handle my own shit. yeah the therapist calls this lack of worthiness syndrome or whatever the fuck it is  but i have a difficult time becoming that guy which i despise, the co-dependant , can't do shit without help asshole that i can never become, i mean who the fuck wants to be married to a dude who can't fend for himself or do shit for his wife ,or girlfriend and never ask for anything in return. But it's my issue and I guess we can table this at the Therapist tonight if i choose to, bu already know the answer so i won't. I do have a busy schedule after work today, i do get to go to the Orthopedic for my knees, they feel real achy and creaky and need a shot of the Rooster comb hopefully, then we can buy me some time before i have them scoped and cleanup up maybe early next years, don't wanna do anything to jeopardize the holiday season this year since last year was a nightmare with my accident and long healing stretch from Thanksgiving through the New Year. So this holiday season will be enjoyed, healthy with sore knees , throw in a Terria's birthday visit to Arizona for Rams versus cardinals game 35 yard line seats and loving that and cannot wait, my team has always been the Rams but the Cards are my second favorite team these day as they are Terrias favorite. Terria did get a really cool new phone last night, she got a red version of my old phone the Blackberry Torch and loves it alot, trying to re-acquaint herself with the Blackberry again as it has been about 8 months since she last had hers, she is texting me right now and sending her love, as i send it back and realize that this is what life is all about, being loved and returning it all unconditionally. I might actually get another day off from the gym today, having the 2 appts and we are having a potluck for a baby shower here at work so don't see going to the gym at lunchtime so wtf another day off i will take, that makes twice in one week which generally takes me 2 months to get a second day off but whatever at this point i work out often enough and will make it up on my next workout ,i always do and will overcompensate for the missed day. Tomorrow i have a full plate as well, i need to take my lawn mower into the shop for repairs a and then go to the gym, have a 1230  t time for golf tomorrow with a co worker and a contractor on base so that should be a good time. The weekend has yet to be discussed and  no real plans, the following week brings us Ty's 18th birthday on Tuesday, a new LCD flat screen for the TV room on Tuesday, well that's what UPS says anyway and a Thanksgiving at terrias sisters house with about 900 kids and us, should be tolerable, wised it were at out house, we have a nice patio with seating for up to 16 outside and more inside if needed but Brazaleens it is and will enjoy that endeavor I know. I have been asked to make homemade flour tortillas and beef Rancherabeing on the mend, so this holiday season will have extra cheer and more thankfulness than normal and that we are all where we need to be in life and happier than ever on so many fronts and so many good things to look forward to in the new year. sometimes my sense of reality takes over and i get the sullen feel of having so much when others have so little, seeing homeless people on the streets and feeling like our lord at times did not help these people all he could, then i realize that we are responsible for our own breaks and mistakes in life and God has given us all the means and the tools to not only fuck shit up, but to fix our shit right when we do, i know it;'s a hardened way to explain a very soft and tender emotion but I'm no Twilight character and all fluffy and Gay, I'm a manly man who has educated himself in the game of life and reality, and this ongoing struggle to figure shit out makes me on full alert and the high yield complexity button is on full forward right now. i can therefore I do, I do  because i want to and keeping the things in my life in their simplest form are my goal, but sometimes life doesn't cooperate and i need to get into my fix shit mode and make it done and at times think too much in the process, as i said ,I can ,therefor I do... Terria , does this drive you fucking crazy or what. i ask myself that all of the time and am not an easy person to understand and probably a nightmare to live with and the daily cerebral warfare fought between my ears is music to me, and noise to others! So I just defer to what i know and what i know is a lot of meaningless shit and a smattering of useful shit, throw them all together and the Gregsasaurus is playing at a theater near you, times vary depending on location. Yeah I'm not a mental fuckwad am i? Goddamn i love being me, so bright with my own dimmer switch for comfort.