Raising the Bar and Expectations

Throughout my entire life I have always had that goal of being something, or somebody that made a difference, i always had the living examples in my life that taught me what to do and how to do it properly, conversly i also had the examples of what not to do and how to fuck yourself in the ass as well. I have always been the constant observer of others, taking mental notes and projecting my own take on the situation and would act accordingly when the situation would arise. Growing up I had my big sister April and big Brother Richard as my pillars of right versus wrong, they always had solutions to problems and dealt so with a heavy hand, April having the heavy hand and was always my mentor and person i looked up to the most, still do and always will. Richard is a truly unique human being , he is unlike any other man i have ever met, he is the kindest  , least judgmental person i have ever met, always so truthful and virtuous and never strays away from being the pillar of Right! I have always spoken about my big sister April in the highest regards and rightfully so, Richard has always been the silent assassin in a way of speaking. He would come in say what needed to be said and move on and do what needed to be done, no fanfare, no yelling and screaming just results. Rich was always the incredible athlete in high school, All CIF, southern State in 3 sports and led the county in Scoring in basketball as a 6-3 center on a Basketball that had very little else, he was and is the hardest working person i have ever met, if there is something to be done, it is done properly and with max effort and there is no compromise ever!!!! He has the most amazing work ethic and is one thing that i  am essentially lacking in my life, is the hard driven work ethic that he showed me. Being away from home after High school he went off to college, got signed after 3 years at CLC in thousand oaks and then went off to play pro ball for 9 years all over the country and , world , played in Japan and in Mexico  and mad ea decent living doing so , as reflected in his Scarface like home in the hill of moorpark, very nice and well deserved and earned. he was always the bench mark athletically and i was always expected to follow in his footsteps and never had the drive that he did. Actually he always said that i was a better athlete than he was and he was the bets athlete RM ever had and i was expected as a 12 year old legend at El Rio little league to take over the Mantle of my big brother, things always came so easily for me as a kid and never required me to work at it, as i got older this lacks attitude was my undoing and never really reached anywhere near my potential. Funny to this day i work harder at everything i do, the gym ,Golf, playing ball whatever it is i touch these days i bust my ass to get better, such as Golf, i hit so many balls and do so much work prior to going out and playing 18 it's ridiculous. somebody once told me that the best athletes don't always make the best golfers, it's usually the guys who can't do anything else that make the best golfers, watch a good golfer try to throw a Baseball and prove my point !I remember when i cycled  and used to ran years ago I was amazingly good at both, Basketball was actually my second best skill set, I can make 82-86 free throws out of a hundred to this date and would win bets all of the time doing so and it comes so easily for me , kind of like my writing, easy and free flows. So as a result , my adult life is so different than my youth, i appreciate things so much more now and take nothing for granted and work to get better at whatever it i touch, even catch myself while driving playing games with myself about my lane positioning and my awareness while I'm driving, the what if scenarios have kept me away from an accident due to my awareness and expecting the other person to do the worst case scenario and be ready for it, and have avoided dozens of accidents this way, unfortunately my poor judgement on the motorcycle riding on bald tires when i had a new set ready to install is proof that I'm not infallible. I try not to boast at all but i have raised my own personal bar in every aspect of my life and expect others to do so as well, that is the part where i get myself into trouble and can never control that part of my world where others have the same conscientious awareness that i do and will act accordingly and do the right things with the right effort to get things done properly. Yes , i have failed myself and my family and more so a few months back and knowing that i am not invincible and a real human being who bleeds and hurts and makes other hurt is a life lesson to make me become a more well rounded human being, being broken is very much like an alcoholic, you're not an alcoholic until you recognize the fact and then start to work on making that portion of your life better and recognition is step one. well i was broken and my personal bar was raised so high that even i was living a fantasy and not doing what i needed to do to build and grow as a person and as a husband. Part of my reasons for infidelity are based on this concept of pulling away from all that has always been so good, the unworthiness and self sabotage that Michael Morales has shown me have given me the basis for healing the internal portions of me. So weird after a day of golf yesterday with tim, i was away from Terria for 7-8 hours and  it felt like a eternity and i actually felt bad that i was off having fun, she was doing my laundry and for an instant i was mad at myself for having fun and her doing things that i always do for myself, she doesn't do my laundry, i do my laundry and when she offers i say  No, well these days are different I was able to transcend the thoughts of unworthiness and allow her to give that portion of herself that i suppressed her from doing over the past 13 years because i always never wanted to put her out by allowing her to help me out, yet i would always be willing to do the same for her and didn't ever realize that i was taking away from her being Terria, the giving , loving  nurturing person that i always had been for her, now we can share in the giving and the overall picture has become clearer by the minute. Yes I have high expectations for Greg, but not to make a million dollars or be living in a beautiful house, all that is important to me i have achieved at least twice in my life and all that truly matters is definitely where my focal points are invested in. I can look back and say i shoulda, woulda, coulda, but i don't live like that and i have made a vow a few years back to never , ever say the shoulda woulda.... scenario and live my life to the fullest degree possible, there are too many people i know and care about who are either sick and or dying and have compromised quality of life, i for one won't wait for that to happen and will live life as if it is the last day i have on earth, material things have never been important to me but yet i have alot of great stuff, maybe that arrogance and sense of entitlement that my mind has always taught me to expect has given me that one trait , be it good or bad I am not a materialistic person, i just so happen to have a lot of really nice stuff, without it i would be equally as Happy and content, but if I can afford it , i have it, thankfully I'm not into nice cars and jewelry otherwise I'd be in debt so badly that I'd have nothing at all. But as I stated, my bar is where it is because I set it there for my own reasons, the world of expectations are a viscous beast and can either make you or break you down, I have fallen and have gotten back up to fight another day and another battle in life life and in this world. every single mishap i've had has made me smarter, every time I've fallen I have picked myself up off the floor with an awareness that I would otherwise let go by and everytime i shit on my self i have always wiped off the soils of ignorance and prospered in the bigger picture. So my living examples have always given me the insight and wisdom to see the many ways to handle the life we have and to make it better everyday, standing back and doing things the same way is the recipe for a train wreck to occur. I get it, I really do and whatever indiscretions that I have done have all been repaired but i will never stop trying to make the grass greener and the playig field level for the rest of my life. I thank My Brother Rich and sister April for helping me to become the unique and vibrant person that i am, and especially to Terria for allowing my iidiosyncrasies to shine brightly and shine the way they naturally do. Thanks for letting Greg be the person you fell in love with 26 years ago and for giving him 2 chances to get it right, I love my life and if at times I appear to not be appreciative of this fact than for this , I will kick myself in the dick for there are millions of people who would love to sit in my seat and enjoy the fruits of my love sand my Life and i'm not giving them away. Lastly I thank God for allowing me the spiritual wisdom to come back to him and  be thankful everyday for the things that money could never buy, LOVE!!!