Fountains of wayne- live in chicago- 09 Sick day

this song really works on so many levels,love it

Fountains Of Wayne - Radiation Vibe

Cool tune for sure, fountains of Wayne have a few really cool songs! to include Stacy's Mom and Sick day

The Gym ,Work and Life

Wow, actually took a day off from the gym yesterday and feel really good, the body gets sore and listless when i work it too much, it serves the counter affect when i do too  many days of workouts and not enough relaxation days, more mental than physical i think but need time away from anything once in a while. Today is a new day and i will hit it hard today after work at Bally's. My workouts have really changed over the past year or so, always wanting to get stronger I have changed that to leaner and meaner and that is the biggest battle i always have , get into the gym and tell myself to do more cardio, do more interval training and circuit work get the heart rate up and burn calories, and somehow always seem to do a little of all and not really focus on what i need to do but am burning Calories, I'm stronger now than ever before and don't really want to be, I'm  allot smaller than i was  and yet stronger, probably the strongest guy at the gym period but don't hang with the steroid ragers on the free weights side, hate that scene and the Narcissistic side of the gym, so i do my own thing, quietly without incident and have made some really good relationships at the gym with some very good people. So i wait for the day to end so that i can meet terria t the gym and then get it done and head home and do whatever we do to stay happy and grounded. was told last night that she does not want any fanfare or special Birthday celebration on Thursday, not friends or family, just for me to cook her dinner , she can't eat red meat so it will be a fish dish of some sort and i can do that, made her scallops the other night which were deadly and so damn good that i had to eat a few to go along with my rib-eye. I made Shortbread cookies with a chocolate drop in the center for our co- workers today, they loved them and I'm sure that terrias did as well, they were the best cookies i have ever eaten ...period and best I've made to date, easy recipe but the cooking time is crucial in not drying out an already dry cookie even more. so here it sits ,Tuesday morning and work continues to be slow, we have a staff meeting at 1 today and i will make a little statement to my co workers  about respect and handling our customers better, I've seen some real customer service Faux paus and it makes me ill to see the Way our customers are treated at times. but more so the way we disrespect the boss at times and don't do what he asks us and he blows up and people get pissed at him, he has kind of dug his own hole with the workers as he is everybody's friend and is always jovial and accommodating with trips to Mcdonalds, long lunches and days off from work, but they have taken full advantage of it and it aint cool by any stretch in my book and when he loses his cool wit it all they blame him for the problems, not cool, we as adults work in an industry like no other, the federal govt is a vast wasteland of dead weight and people who wouldn't find employment anywhere else, the type of job we do could be done by 12 year olds truthfully, so we are very lacks here and assume that we are entitled to this kind of cush job when in fact there are too many skilled people out of work and here we sit doing very little and bringing in 70k salaries so i don't ever complain about my job or coming to work because to me this place is a privilege to be at and not a job but a restful place to be , a few customers that we take care of and to give them the best we have shouldn't be hard to do at all, but to some it seems as if it pains them to go out of their way to do the bare minimum. so that is that and I will openly share my views of dissatisfaction with my friends and if they get pissed off , fuck em, time to grow up and man up around here . On a happier note i wil squeeze in golf balls at lunch probably after the meeting so that i won't be late to our meeting , the range is a few minutes away from the office so it would be better to go after our meeting. so the day is nice outside , a brisk 60 degrees and a light wind, we are blessed to live insocal where snow and cold are never an issue and icy roads and digging our way to our cars is never gonna happen. Til later on today or even tonight, i can't think of anything i can write about, the events of the day usually encourage my writing and with no pending drama in the life of mine i don't really have the free flowing experiences of angry, or thought filled writings of any depth, just me ranting and raving to myself in the hopes that i can hear myself, listen and act accordingly to the mod and the days ahead! Good times and Goodbye

The day, the book, the world???

Went to the driving range for lunch, skipping the gym today and don't really care about it today. doing some good reading, started a new book called "the Gun", it chronicles the history of the AK-47 and all of it's worldly uses and how it has essentially killed more people than any other weapon known to man, to include bombs and  other guns. a low estimate of 100 million are in circulation we speak but that's a different animal altogether. The day has gone really quickly and feeling pretty good after hitting balls, tried out the 2 new clubs i bought yesterday and feeling like they are coming along, the wind didn't allow me to gauge true distances today but hit them straight for the most part and feel good about my golf session today. Was doing some reading and viewing online in the sports world where there are some real weird characters out there. we got arguably the best receiver in the Game Johnson from the Texans getting into a fistfight with another knucklehead and watching this dude fight and hitting a guy behind his head makes me laugh, you don't do that shit if your a man, you don't fight unless you are protecting yourself  essentially but that's another 4 paragraphs alone and i ain't getting into street fighting ethics at this time. then you got the Jackass from the bills who dropped the ball that would have won the game for his team in Overtime but he dropped it, then proceeded to blame God for his drop and cursed god for not being there for him while he was always i Gods corner, whatever the fuck happened to accountability and that it is a game that he gets paid for and his drop was his own nobody else's ...fucking Jackass, but then again it;s no different when the guy points to the heavens after a Touchdown or a homerun, same stupid shit, it's still a game and not life, wonder if i should do a dance every time i complete a sentence on this blog, or help a customer on the phone, just as ridiculous but will never see that kind of stupidity anywhere but in sports! So i did get a few laughs out of the Nig Nog nation today and at times they are not Representative of their race by acting like asses and i feel for those who act like respectful souls in the course of a game,life or the world. But anyway, here i am at the back end of the day and not really much to do, might get back into my book and start to delve into more of the bad history of this weapon, but as they always say people kill people, weapons are an arms reach away, we've been killing people and starting wars with this stupidity forever, what makes this generation any different..nothing, time to rise up and take over this madness that has made us so calloused to the badness that this world has shown us. We can't change the globe, but we can change our own little piece of this world, one step at a time

Thanksgiving Weekend!

Thank God that Ty is alright and that he is on the mend, you never know when you attend the ER and sometimes get more than you bargain for at times. This was my first trip to the ER since my accident almost 1 year ago, it did seem so different to me to sit in the same chair that i did when I staggered in and was waiting to be seen after my accident. So funny that a perspective can be totally different when you are the patient versus being the visitor, I went in to see Ty and he was sitting in the same room that i was in when i was really in trouble on my second trip, i knew Terria was feeling weird about it but the fact that her boy was in there made the old feelings a little different to deal with as she was in mother mode and the remnants of my stay there were in the back of her mind for sure. So the rest of the weekend progressed nicely, spent time with Brad and we had a great conversation , one of our friends is having an affair and his wife caught him and we were wondering where all of that was coming from, but as he said to me, Cops all cheat at one time in their lives and they are both cops so there you have it. Too bad and so sad that human nature is a very difficult Lion to tame at times, but we make mistakes and make our own breaks in life and how we bounce back from them seems to be the prevailing factor in life. we all make them and they are always at the forefront of what we do and who we are, but mistakes are truly a part of our lives and we can only Hope they are fixable and not so detrimental that we are left at the side of the road with no repair in sight. but as i said we all play with our own fire sin this life and must be held accountable for the messes we make and be capable of moving forward in the quest towards happiness! So move to today and work is what it is, WORK, not in the true sense but the fact that i must spend 9 hours today playing the part as a worker at times can drive me nuts, then i catch myself and stop even the most remote version of a complaint and move throughout the day doing what it is they do pay me for, as of right now they are paying me to be here and write this very sentence and be on this keyboard burning the keys til they replace it with a new one...very soon I'd say. My new Macbook Air and iphone are incredibly amazing, never thought I'd say I don't miss the blackberry, but i am weening away from it and can say the iphone is as good as my Blackberry, Terria seems to enjoy her new Blackberry torch and at least there is a Blackberry in the house and that's a good thing, could always switch phones with her but for now I'm cool! This Thursday we celebrate Terrias 46th birthday and will be headed to Phoenix Arizona this Saturday for this Sunday's football game with the Cardinals playing My Rams, tickets on the 35 yard halfway up the lower lever are so damn good that i am amazed I was able to get them for 200 for the pair. have a nice room in Peoria we got for 50 per night , only staying one night. Trying to figure out what to do for her Birthday dinner , she really wants nothing extravagant but i feel the need to do something really nice with a small number of family in attendance but i think this is up for discussion, and I'm not down with surprises because i know how much i hate them and we really don't like to draw too much attention to ourselves and get crazy when  it comes to birthdays so we will keep it low key and that's still up for discussion as to how low key is low key. regardless it is a blessing to celebrate each and everyday with an incredible woman who does everything , and never asks for anything and accepts the goodness that i have to give her each day that we live side by side! Tomorrow will be here soon enough but living for the day is my key to life, life for today and plan for tomorrow,never look back and say i shouda , woulda ,coulda and didn't do it, i live for today and p[lan for tomorrow as if tomorrow will never come, when it does i still have a plan for the day and it's to replicate the happiness of the previous day with a newer and better outcome, one day we will run out of days and that's it! but today is here and it's for the taking , enjoyment and realities of our life only enhance the fact that we are here and it is now and it is our time to shine. til Later on today,, I'm out!

Touching Many Bases

Feeling pretty good about the weekend, Ty came out of emergency room alright, all tests were normal and a sigh of relief was felt by Terria and I. So that was a nice relief for us, also got to see my Friend Brad Holland and my old school Mate Ramona this weekend and truly enjoyed the spiritual uplifting by both of their presence! Brad actually came to the Hospital yesterday and visited with Ty and us and that meant allot to Ty as well as Terria and I. So the drama is over and our boy will be ok and that's a great thing for sure. Tomorrow we go back to the work grind and actually am looking forward to the normalcy that the work day brings to me believe it or not and knowing that Terria goes back to work after her furlough days from work this past week from school. she works 3 weeks and then 2 more weeks off from work for the Christmas holiday vacation, I am actually taking a full week off this year and will enjoy the 17th through the 27th off from work and will really enjoy this years holiday season, unlike last year where Terria was worn out and I was torn out and really had a horrific holiday season healing from the accident. But I digress and really am thankful for the opportunity to heal fro it all and that has made me a better person and stronger Christian believer in faith and belief in the miracles that the Lord has produced. but unlike some i won't beat people over the head with my bible or the word that is a very personal thing and if somebody wants to know then i will answer,but I feel the paper Christianity around me these days is unreal and so hypocritical and people have got away  from the real meaning of what it means to be a Good christian, ,it's not about how much we give at church or how many scriptures we share with those who probably don't want to hear it, it's about giving of yourself and being a good, loving and caring human being without the need for accolades or the need to grandstand while others watch. It's giving of yourself without mention of it and going on about your life knowing that you have done your  part and that our God would be happy to know that we are trying to make others life's better by our deeds, not our ego or the reception of attention we may get by doing something good. well enough about that , the life we live is the life we choose to live and with all of the blessings that we share and are so fortunate to be in a place both spiritually and emotionally that is second to none and a place that i have never been before and never want to depart from. So here we are and her I am working and building towards a good life by living right and doing right by those around me, i have so many areas of my life that are ideal, and so many areas of my life that will one day be there as well. So each and every day is a good day, it's an opportunity to live and grow , learn and breathe the goodness that we have been given and improve upon that which needs improving, being a human being we will always be flawed and always need a cleaning up and shining to get the where we want to be , and need to be as good human beings. Good days and Good Night , til tomorrow comes, I'm out!

At the Hospital for Ty

sitting in the emergency room waiting on the results of Ty's cat scan. Almost a year to the date I was in this very hospital waiting to internally bleed tO death a very worrisome time for Terria and I seeing a loved one in Pain so we wait and hope the early prognosis of appendicitis is confirmed or denied. My friend Brad "Prozac" Holland is inbound to meet us here at the hospital instead of the house so we do aPpreciate his friendship and being a true great friend to Terria and I both. So my prayers are with our boy and know he will be ok and feel good about the care he is receiving. This place saved my life and I have total faith in God and in community Memorial as well til later I send my best to all and feel bad for Ty boy

What a Great Day!

Today was a day that i have waited for a long time now. I have been talking about and thinking about my friend Mona for awhile and since we reconnected last year via facebook and continued to converse and still do. My Friend Mona was diagnosed with with Breast Cancer and had a double Mastectomy and has since gone through Chemotherapy and now completed Radiation and is on the mend, her hair is slowly growing back and I could not wait to meet my friend that went through high school together. Unfortunately It took the death of her mother to brig her int town and she called me  and asked if she could meet with me and meet Terria for lunch someday soon, someday was today and we met at Friends cafe in Port Hueneme and had a great long lunch and an incredible conversation. Mona is a living Angel and so pleasant and loving. Having gone through so many trials and tribulations in her own life she shared with us and she asked some really good questions, always prefaced with whether or not it was "too Personal" to ask and we answered and we enjoyed the life's stories that have evolved since the nearly 30 years since we have seen each other and she was the first person i met in high school in my first class in algebra . she Was and is such a sweet woman and i feel very blessed to have finally re connected with Mona and thankful that she was able to meet Terria today and we were both so very happy and felt the ray of sunshine upon us both, so positive and such and inspiration to me and a living example of how adversity can build character and how never giving up can give so much to so many people, i for one am one of those people truly inspired and affected by My Friend Mona, who i call my living Angel ,along with Terria, they both are such beautiful people who give selflessly everyday. What a great day of Meeting my friend with Terria and then Golfed Balls and went for a little shopping trip and then came home and made a really good dinner of  Buffalo wings and rice and made Monster cookies for our Friend Brad"Mr . Prozac himself is paying us a visit from Baja Mexico tomorrow and really look forward to seeing him and laughing my ass off . so the weekend is starting off in great fashion with so much love and positivity and i cannot wait for tomorrow to come. Thank you Terria Lynn for being "Terria Lynn" and look so forward to doing it over again. love and hugs all around!

Thanksgiving Day!

The day of thanks began rather early this morning at 8 am, got up and watched Brandon make his patented sugar cookies dipped in Ganache, I made the Tortilla Dough  and let it rest for awhile then proceeded to roll em out and separate with wax paper for the journey to My Brothers house to cook them there.Then marinated the Ranchera meat with beer and spices and bagged it all up. we got to Rich's about 12 and had a nice lunch and some snacks, sat around watched a little Football then changed it to "It's a wonderful life" on the the Tele and finding myself riveted at that movie, never seen before in my life . Cooked my meat and Tortillas at Rich's then headed to Terria's sister 's for a dinner , more food and desserts were waiting to be eaten. Thankfully i ate reasonably today and had the gym being closed today as my guide . Just getting home a bit ago just sitting back in the TV room and reflecting on my days and my year to date. so much hurt and pain with my accident and the healing that ensued from that . The rest of my hiccups to go along with that have made me really appreciate the abilities that we have to overcome the mistakes that we have made, all in all i believe that with the faith I have and the family support never wavering at all. So much strength and love that never takes a day off. Days like today which means family and good friends are the reasons for the Holidays, to love and share and to give back the love that we are given. Today is celebrated as a day of Thanks and i enjoy that, but everyday is a day of thanks and appreciation for all of the things that we have and all that we are privileged to share it with. The day is coming to an end here soon but the goodness never ends and the life we life is dependent on the work we put into it! AGAIN, GOOD TIMES AND GOOD NIGHTS  

Thankfulness, Preparedness and Bad Judgement

A Very interesting day at work, went off to the Golf course at Lunchtime and never came back. Co worker Richard and I played 18 holes on base and had a very nice round of Golf. The Golf was ok and i played some good shot and some bad ones as well but we were not at work and thats all that mattered. Throughout the round i realized that I had not eaten or drank anything all day long, around the latter half of the round i was draining  and feeling worn out. After the round of Golf boy Genius Greg decides that I need to go to the gym and have a workout with nothing in the tank to fuel me or my workout. I get to the gym and feel like Dog shit but yet my pride and ambition make me push whenI didn't need to push, but with the gym being closed tomorrow I needed to make it tonight and pushed myself to get it done, i did and wished I hadn't and got home feeling both dehydrated and sick to my stomach and a little delirious, after a quick sandwich and something wet I went to the TV room and started to try to watch some TV but fell asleep and came in and out of consciousness, really strange, the first time i have ever felt this bad and dehydrated like this, really stupid on my part but always trying to play the tough guy role i amaze myself with the stupidity I display at time. But a short nap and a few glasses of Soda I feel better but not great as of yet. Just want to be ready for tomorrow and be up to the thankfulness that I really need to uphold for the year in Gregasaurus has been a really , really interesting one to say the least. so ere we are relaxing and awaiting the big day of goodness tomorrow with family and al of my siblings to share the good day, the great food and the futures window of opportunities to make this life a success story that always has a happy ending...God bless and Good Times!

My Companion!

There are a lot of sure things in this life and world, death and taxes being the most used phrase in the history of man and i understand that all too well. There are many conflicting thoughts of what makes us all function, or not function on an everyday basis. What is the difference between a homeless person and a person like Us? Sometimes it's a lost job or a few missed paychecks and then you find somebody on the street evicted, Drugs  and broken families, whatever the case may be , who do those people turn to, where do they go for the necessary love and affections that keep them grounded and to continue to fight the fight of life and win at it all! There are so many sure things in my life, the wife and kids, the family and friends all top notch things for sure in my world. After yesterdays whirlwind of emotions and pains i always had the option to come and write my feelings, talking about them and sharing my woes with whomever i wanted to, generally my wife hears my tales until her ears bleed and that's a good thing the way i see it, she does the same and we share other things with Michael. all these things are amazing but the biggest ,most influential tool i can ever find has been my writing, my ability to open up to myself and to give of myself to myself and for myself without convictions or worries, my best friend who will never laugh at me or tell me to Fuck off and go to hell, never judge me for the judgement is in the writing and I am the judge ,jury and executioner when it comes to my feelings and writing about them. some people view therapy as a bad thing, a sign of weakness or a show of giving in to the troubles one faces. But for me the best thing i have ever done was to start my writing and documenting my life about 26 years ago, began writng after my father passed away and had no other outlet than that to get my emotions out and put them down on paper, this so long ago and long before being able to create a Blog site and document it all so easily, my books and books of tablets and journals are strewn throughout my garage and can pick on eup and remember where i was and what i was doing, the thoughts and pains are all in there and I can relive them all if i so choose to do so. But the journal or Writings is the best tool and the best friend you can ever have in this world, non judgemental honesty that you share with yourself and that you can give yourself the forum to vent the frustrations and share the joys , whatever the case may be we as human beings are all made of the same cloth, how we weave outrselves into a finished product is our doing and we do have most of the control in this aspect of our lives. mistakes will be made and the fact that we will hopefully learn from these mistakes is in theory supposed to make us wiser and more productive human beings for ourselves and the ones we love. So i write, i speak and I communicate, at times too much and think too much and really don't care to change too much of that, this portion of me is who i am, i just need to channel the depths of my thoughts towards a more tranquil solution and thinking deeply for me has generally involved some realistic if not negative connotations and the actions that followed were at time semi- destructive, for this I have My Therapist Michael to guide me and give me the tool  box to fix the broken parts of me!AS the title of this post infers, the Writings that i do are my true Companion, the serve 2 purposes in my life, the vent and the follow up on that which has given me the inspiration to write about whatever it was or is that i am writing about in my life. The springboard to a healthy outlook is to recognize the day, and see where it is you want to be, and find out how do i get there from here, very simple mindset but at times a complex animal that requires more depth than we really want to provide , so there is a constant in my life  and it is the writing and sharing of ideas, be it here or in my mind, it always comes full circle and ends up on these pages in some form or fashion, a wasted thought is a terrible thing and a wasted day is a tragedy.  I will always tun to what the character Brookes , in shawshank Redemption said in the movie , I believe right before he hung himself in the half way house , it went like this " get busy living ,or get busy dying", he chose the latter, I choose the former and am doing so in grand  fashion, I do believe that life is simple , and that we as human beings do over complicate our lives with meaning less drama, but this is human nature and we fight that battle everyday, we touch , we feel, we live , we hurt and we die, amongst all of this we must find that inner peace and a happiness that is our responsibility to obtain, not to include anybody else  but we are responsible for our own lives. as good as the people around us are, we still must find that inner goodness for ourselves so that we can share it with the ones we love . writing about my life helps me to do this and I share these thoughts with the world and feel good about what i do and will continue to do. Good Days are in front of us and yesterdays are gone, learn from them and don't dwell upon the stumbling blocks we fall upon, just know that there are always other blocks to trip over and just make sure they aren't the same ones that have brought you down before.  "Living is learning, otherwise you're dying"

Fishbone - Fight The Youth

A whole lotta energy and a funky groove note

Mentally Exhausted

after writing the recounting tales of my accident earlier this morning  I find myself drained and wasted right now. The fact that it felt like a deep seeded therapy session where difficult topics were brought out of the vault and being  dealt with after having been stored away for the winter. I'm at Peace with the entire 365  day period that has transpired and have no other choice than to prosper instead of succumb to the dregs of the years and the hard to handle issues that did come up over that time period. Life is life and it is precious and worth working towards and making better on an ongoing basis, Life at times can and  does take over and how we handle that attempt for life to handle our wits is the essential part of what makes us who we are. I know that my usual long winder, over articulated conversations are a nuisance or hindrance to some people, and that i get, my humor at times is even annoying to me, but the one constant thing i strive for is the art of being Greg, the way that i can interact with people daily and keep my perspective and the old thought process of doing unto others really helps me to understand and be more lenient on those that i think are being ridiculous, i can be ridiculous and retarded at times and yet ask for no latitude in dealing with me. The fact that  marked a time frame of a very difficult time period in many people lives is justification that we are all strong people and can handle anything thrown our way, i always felt the peace of knowing that whatever happened to me throughout it all would be ok with it, i knew this as i was a spiritual awareness that i somehow gravitated towards in my times  of need and disallusionment, for this i thank my God for helping me to keep my perspective ,even when there was no perspective for things happening the way they did, why did my Kidneys that were failing all of a sudden start to work again, why does a perfect marriage all of a sudden become broken when it was working so well. this is life's violent and critical window of opportunities to either win in life or be eaten alive by it all. the strength and resolve that we as human being always seem to have inside of us only shows us that we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and that when we surround ourselves around a positive force, be it people or a faith in a higher being we can always see the light at the end of life's cruel tunnel. i thank my family and wife for being the constant positive and i thank my spiritual fried Frank Schaeffer for enabling me to see the other side of life, the side which took me from near death to healthier than ever before, this road happens for a reason, for the matrimonial turmoil i created  only to re-build it all stronger than ever before, thorough love and faith and that grasp on things that i never had before. so thanks for a celebratory day and a reason to cook up some Rib-eyes and rejoice in the day for all that it has brought me and my family, not only in the day , but in looking back and seeing the growth and building blocks to a great future, for however long we are allowed to live on this earth we make each moment count and touch as many people as we can along the way bringing positivity and Love whenever and wherever we can. Thanking God and my wonderful family and friends! God has blessed us all in so many areas, life is great , and life is precious, i will take that with me til life is taken away from me and for that i am eternally grateful !

November 22,2009- November 22 ,2010

On this day one year ago I almost lost my life to a motorcycle accident riding my incredibly fast, Suzuki GSXR1000, 165 HP and 400 lb motorcycles are fast and nimble and do whatever you want them to do in the hands of a skilled rider, i was that guy, and I for some reason used poor judgement for on of the few times in my riding life and it nearly cost me my life and my family some serious grief and pain!! The Day began as normal for me on that Sunday, Hit golf Balls, Watched a little football , my Rams were getting their ass kicked and It was about 3 pm on a decent clear sun baked day in Southern California and i decided one last ride on the Gixxer before i changed the tires on it as they had no tread left and i just put off getting the new rubber on it. Well that last ride was the third last ride on those tires and the previous 2 rides i told myself  do not ride on those ever again, i remember the tires sliding a little on the second to last ride and don't know why i though i was invincible to go out on one more ride on beyond substandard tires.  I geared up and went to start the bike and did so, My wife as always accompanied me to the garage and kissed me goodbye and waved as i screeched out of the driveway on my way for what i thought would be a relaxed 75% effort ride on Lake Casitas roads! I do Recall Terria being uneasy about me riding on those tires and even said so, i told her that I was going easy and that i was bored and  needed to get out and ride. I was cruising along nicely, not like i normally do at full lean and throttle in the high position but a little less ambition knowing full well i had no real rubber under me. I progressed to the uphill turn that I have mastered 1000 times before if not more and hit the turn doing 65, generally take it at 80 was leaned over,as i straightened the bike up I felt something was not normal ,and behold i was in the gravel still upright and remember saying to myself, this Isn't good dude, those exact words, so not really believing that the gregasaurus was on an offroad excursion I tried to slow it down  and save the bike, I avoided a concrete storm drain that would have killed me if I would have went into it but i was able to avoid it, with no traction and brakes being useless in the dirt i tried to scrub off speed . In avoiding the drain barrier It steered me right in to a 3 foot burm, the Burm was not noticeable to the eye but deep enough to stop me immediately in my tracks, I went from about 30 mph to a dead stop a my full body crunched against the gas tank, I fell off to the left out of breath, hit my head on the rocky dirt and broke my Helmet slide a few feet and the next thing i know I got up like a punch drunk fighter  and noticed a familiar face. A rider coming in the other direction stopped and saw the whole thing, he was an old housing resident, Steve Pazzetti, he and a group of riders were riding in the opposite direction and stopped to give me aid, the called 911 and all i wanted to do was to call my wife and tell her that i was ok, i couldn't remember my # at first and then it cam eto me, i had asked her to bring  the truck and the Ramp and tie downs because the bike was toast. Steve and his friends gave me some Gatorade  and waited for the ambulance and the EMT, the worked on me and asked me questions, i was concussed so i was out there in the questionning faze and refused to go to the hospital via ambulance. 30 minutes past and a frantic Terria showed up with Ty  and they assessed me and that look on Terrias Face. The crew of Steve and his friends left, I thanked them for their kindness and convinced the EMT and ambulance driver that i was fine and that i would have my wife take me to the hospital. My intention wsas never to go to the Hospital but as we loaded the bike and Terria headed towards home Terria said we are taking you to the hospital and i did not disagree, I felt something inside of me that Knew there was something wrong, I remember Lady Diana after her crash was walking around and internally bled to death so i was thinking that I was in trouble as well because my body told me so. We get to Community Memorial Hospital in Ventura and i can barely get out of the truck , cannot stand straight up  and Ty and terria helped me to the waiting room, what seemed like 2 minutes I'm in triage and they let me go to the bathroom where i pissed straight blood and then knew i was not going home today, the fear was creeping up on me and i realized that there was something definitely amiss with my health, i defecated  and pissed myself at the scene of the accident and I was smelling like a dead person and i could smell it myself, it grossed me out, the smell of my urine and the blood flowing really scared me. They examined me and the rest i don't remember, The look o Terrias face was scary, they took me to ICU immediately and there the drama began, as the days past my BP was so low, my oxygen levels were low and they were waiting for the blood to get better. on day 3 they moved me to a room where they had me on IV's and then the kidneys were failing, the spleen was torn, and the liver was lacerated, a broken rib and a concussion later i was sitting there not knowing what the fuck was going on??? I just gauged the severity of it all by the look on my Terria's face, the look of utter and sheer terror in her eyes made me scared. Day 5 they release me for what they thought was safe enough hemoglobin levels after 2 blood transfusions, one off platelets and one of blood. I went home on 27 November and spent a day and half home, not really feeling better. on the 29th i was awakened by a sharp pain in my stomach that could only tell me that i was going back to the hospital , although i fought it for a few hours i gave in and was driven to the Hospital and taken in to emergency, they ran the test and the bleeding internally continued, they took scans and xrays and the things were not working , hemoglobin levels were down to 8, were they are normally 14, so i guess that's bad and the looks on my Brother Richards face told me ..Fuck, I'm in trouble here, Right then i do recall thinking of my Spirituality guru Frank Schaeffer and here the words that he spoke and had written to me, at that moment i was at peace, the term the golden rule flowed in my mind, the "Golden Rule" why I don't know, i was almost at peace with it all. The term always plays heavy in my mind as it is a simple mantra to live by yet we don't always live by that standard. Then I'm moved upstairs to 4th floor, seemed to be getting better and 2 more transfusions, my Wonderful terria would stay allday and each night by my side, sleeping in a chair or wherever she could get comfortable, she was an amazing rock throughout this process but i know she didn't like seeing her strong husband so weak and vulnerable , but she was strong enough for the both of us and through her strength i din not want to leave her or for her to leave my side. I recounted the trips to the restroom and the horrible smells of a sick mans urine were eye popping and disgusting not to mention the fact that Terria had to wipe my butt when i pooped, damn that woman must Love me to death, and i love her so much for her strengths and internal goodness! Finally Dr. Bryant comes to the rescue, after the Failed Kidneys and dialysis talk the Dr. was a Superstar and headed the recovery with a calm and professional manner, he took the bull by the horns so to speak and was and is to this day the best Dr. i have ever come across. The Hospital stay besides that was miserable, the smells of the room were atrocious and the food was even worse. I really feel bad about being in the hospital during thanksgiving and for Terria Birthday but she is so amazing and i can and never will forget what she did for me then and does for me now. The day came when they were able to discharge me, it took them forever, i was till feeling like shit but the Hemoglobin levels were high enough to let me heal at home. I was then sent home, weak and in pain and could barely get around the house,, Terria went to the Lazy boy Store on Valencia to buy me a recliner to sleep in since i was sleeping sitting up , she figured a nice recliner was the way for me to get a good nights sleep. without that chair i would not have healed as quickly. to this day i have not slept in that chair as it remind me off the healing process, it is the most comfortable chair i have ever sat in but that though of the smells and the pain and the fighting to get up and run to the bathroom when the duty called were just frightening to me. It was an ugly 6 weeks at home, the look on my tired Terria's face of looking after me 24-7 is something i will never , ever forget. I run it in my mind on occasion  and feel like the accident actually save d my life, it gave me a sense of reality and now I am a real human being who makes mistakes and is vulnerable to the things every human being is, bad judgements and bad actions can bad results, but never to Greg Duran, Never! Well i was humbled and was at somebody else mercy for 2 months. The healing process never truly ended when I went back to work on December 28,2009, i went back a weak man who tried to make a point and tried to pull away from the constant hand of my incredible Terria. As the story goes i went  back to the gym , hit it hard and made baby steps to progress back to the strong physical specimen and somehow forgot the spiritual side of my healing. i let my guard down when i healed, i thought I was entitled to a new world of new beginnings and tried to pull myself away from that vulnerable man who couldn't wipe his own ass and couldn't shower without assistance , to a man who felt great and powerful and forgot the journey of where i had been and how many people i had dragged through my accident and the worries I put upon my loved ones. In March 2010 i strayed away from my marriage and sought out something else with somebody elses wife and began a stretch of destruction to so many people on so many sides of the fence. My Ventured with Valarie were is an sense a necessary thing for me to do. having gone through a near deat experience and being the type of person who allows nobody close and will allow nobody to do anything for him i tried to runa way from the goodness of my wife to a relationship created over the internet with a few chance meetings and had some real fun, but the destruction we left behind was more than i could ever imagine. My biggest regret besides putting my wife and family at such heart ache is that a real friendship with Valarie could have been in the offing and I screwed that up by taking it too far with her, and I'm sure she feels the same way, more importantly, forgetting where i had been with my wife Terria and all that we are to each other. Therapy tells me that this all had to happen as was going to happen, it really did and it did, it has allowed me the chance to relive some really horrible moments in my life and to grow from those moments as a better person who understands the fact that he is not the perfect human being that he thought he was, i am in fact a mortal soul who bleeds and hurts and obviously creates pains in others. For this I can rebuild the person that I am and replace the person that i thought i was , I don't know everything , the fact that i am a vulnerable human being is the best medicine in the world for a person like me who has had a charmed life, everything always comes easy for me and i can truly appreciate the work and efforts put forth in my marriage and my relationships with my family and friends. my mistakes and departures from the truth are a part of me that needed fixing, this all brought it to light sand in the process i can fix the things that i didn't realize were broken.  It is so good to be alive to day, 1 year ago i almost lost my life to a motorcycle accident and some bad judgement, there is a time that i dreaded this anniversary date because i knew it would bring about a renewal of old senses and thoughts and memories of pains and hurt and disbelief in allot of people who never truly knew how bad i was and how through the goodness of god i am able to write about the new life i share with others, my spirituality and belief and love of God and my love of Family and Friend's have made me a blessed man and a person who needs to give back from here on1 I thank God for my healing both internal and spiritually! And I always need t thank on a daily basis my Honey, my life and my support system forevermore, i could not live everyday like i do without my Terria, i could go on forever about how amazing she is and i generally do in my other writings, but there is a reason  for things happening the way they do, in my therapeutic sessions with Morales, i am finding that sometimes going forward requires taking a few steps backwards and remember this that if it were easy, everybody would  have it. so i work my ass of in the hopes that i bring the peace , Love and tranquility to my loved ones as they have given so readily to me. Today is a start of a new chapter for me and that i can and will take full advantage of my blessings. To my big sister April, I am so lucky to have you in my life, you and Tim are amazing and have always been amazing to my terria in ways that i could never be, to my Brother Richard and Susan, my Angels of living properly are ever-present and always in my mind when i make decisions, be it good or bad, My sister Linda for her prayers and support during the ordeal, i know we have drifted apart but she was there when we needed her and the prayers always help. My boys  Brandon ,Braz and Ty always bringing me the perspective that I was there age at one time and need to be a better role model and giver of advise and attention's directing them in a positive direction. and lastly to my mother, with all of her lack of sophistication and ability to communicate her true feeling s of love and care, i thank her for giving me everything she had, all she knew and every ounce of love she was capable of giving, I'm not to judge whether or not  They were enough , I'm in counseling now because of them but I take responsibility for my part of the equations and love her like a son should love a mother, just only 10 minutes at a time is all, sad but honest. well today is starting off Grandly and i cannot be more appreciative than i am today of where I am in every aspect of my life, my family, my friends, and my incredible Terria always there to hold and love on everyday! for this i am eternally Thankful and cannot express how wonderful this life is, the world is a shithole, but my tiny little world that i live in is an incredible place to be... good Days, and great times ahead ! With so much love, thanks and appreciation , Gregory Anthony Duran

Tomorrow's Recollections

Very Relaxing sunday afternoon, Golf balls and the gym and really nothing else but a day at home watching a little Golf, Football and now await the Laker game at 630 and really nothing else going on. I can say that tomorrow is a really awkward day for me, It does mark the one year anniversary of my motorcycle accident and the day I almost lost my life, The fact that i did not and still do not understand how close I came to dying that day, seemingly just a scrape and fall but the internal injuries were later described as a mess! So i will write a full recount of the incident and the days that followed to include the healing both mentally and physically and the aftermath of it all and shook a family and how it truly changed my life's perspective. So won't tell anymore of tomorrows write but will tell you that I am in fact a very lucky man to be here and to be able to describe the entire year since I ran off the road riding around Lake Casitas.

Motivate Me!

Man Alive, it is Sunday morning and I'm still running around in my shorties and have no ambitions so to speak as of yet! When in doubt go to the gym I guess, but today is one of those days that the gym is the farthest thing from my mind, need to hit Golf Balls before i do anything and am trying so damn hard to get the motivation needed to get up and out of the house and start the day properly, motivated and full of a sense or energy. WOW! ,I just noticed that I have a calloused right index finder from all of the typing i do, I am a 2 finger typist who has actually got pretty good at my speed, my hands are too large to even consider typing properly , kind of like trying to Text ,always fighting the battle of hitting more than 1 key at a stroke. So I'm really proud of something as insignificant as typing and having a war wound from it all...yeah right! Terria is still in bed and I'm like WTF is going on here, we went to bed after 1am and I was up at 8 and ready to get the day started, but that has fallen by the wayside since i am still on here typing away. We really have no plans yet for te day and whatever comes our way is a good thing and i do prepare myself for an abbreviated workweek of only 3 days. Looks as if we are going to Terria's sister Brazaleen's house and then make a visit to Brother Richard's house in Moorpark and have a good day of Family togetherness and damn good food, so for the next 3 days I might make double visits to the gym to compensate for the impending feasts that will occur. Sent a nice message to my Friend Ruth this morning , have been thinking about here and her Husband , this is always a real tough time for her and the family since they have so many kids in the military and have a Holiday season away from them usually every year, So I did receive a very nice return message and feel good to know that she and her family are doing well. i had been putting that  message off for a week now and finally remembered to send it out, so good tidings to good people. Well the T woman is finally up and at em and i need to do the same , good days and Good times to all of my friends!

Shits and No Giggles!

A very Cold Saturday morning here in the Nard today. we got up and attem a little later than normal and went to the gym. We then went to Santa Barbara With Tim andApe for Breakfast and enjoyed the Mesa Cafe, the Club Sandwich was amazing and felt good to get out of town for a couple of hours. Joining tim and Ape for dinner at the house tonight and a very relaxing evening I'm sure. Very tranquil day today, was to meet Tim to hit Golf Balls but windy and cold and my body is stiff from todays workout and a trip back to the gym for sauna and jacuzzi maybe not a bad idea before we head over to McCarthy's tonight for dinner. I'm still sort of puzzled at the news last night of our friends divorce, not to say that I'm surprised or shocked or even disappointed, life happens and shit flows downhill at times and we as human beings are definitely fallible and can seek out the new and improved model on the showroom floor and yet don't truly ever know what the ramifications are until after the fact, so i send out my experience and knowledge of the issues that i faced when i left Terria in March and had to face many , many issues that I still deal with on a daily basis, first of all the trust issues and the healing of a family in grieving. so i know the road ahead for the McDonald family and whatever the choice will be there is a lot of work ahead . I can only hope there is a sense of spirituality and family support otherwise this makes the process doubly difficult and no friend in doing it alone. so I am thinking about them, basing the emotions on my past endeavors I can only say that under the best case scenario,it will be a battle and a battle well worth fighting if they choose to do so. Good day, headed to the gym again for a bike ride and a hot and wet endeavor at the Gym I call Bally's

Another Friday Night!

After midnight on Friday night/Saturday morning and just realized that I hadn't posted in a while today. Great day of golfing and even made breakfast for dinner with Terria and Brandon tonight, consisting of Sausage and eggs and Pancakes...damn good and so easy to whip up. Played 18 holes today on an Egg sandwich and was really hungry after golf, the rains came a s we finished up on 18 and were glad to be done, 55 degrees in the Nard today and even cooler on the course as the winds did blow a tad  but guess i shouldn't have worn shorts today, did wear a thermal though and was glad i did. Getting home felt refreshed in seeing my Honey and recapped our day and what we came across on this fine Friday afternoon. Nothing really happened out of the ordinary just a few texts and Facebook entries from Braz. Feeling a little conflicted tonight in regards to a friend of ours , an old riding buddy and his wife are apparently divorcing and it really hit Terria and I in a bad way tonight. Both are police officers and have 2 kids. CT's wife friend Luz texted Terria that her Husband Chris(CT) as we called him in the crew has been having an affair for over a year with a fellow officer in his station and that she was finished with it all, don't know the lifestyle or marriage that they shared together but know that they seemed a little strained at times but we never questioned, they live nearly 2 hours away and we would see them a few times a year and once the crew has essentially disbanded  we rarely see anybody anymore so the contact these days is through texting and that's it. Well Terria got the text tonight and really feel bad, knowing full well that most cops cheat on their wives, a known fact and i have so many friends who are officers that this is common knowledge amongst most, or at least us who have friends who are officers of law. Really sad and I was wondering whether to get in touch with my friend Chris and try to see where he is mentally and what his motive is for his actions, love, fun ,or excitement of having this affair, whether or not he wants to be married or continue in his endeavors  with this woman and leave hos wife and kids behind. I'm no expert on fidelity issues and don't know what the mindset is, or i should say in his case i don't know how his differs from what i did and would like to talk with him, not to see if he can fix his marriage ,but t see if what he did or is doing is a real thing or some fly by night thing that seems like fun and might seem worth throwing away a marriage and family. don't know whether or not it is my place to to intervene and ask the questions or lend the ear of advise.Don't really know but am saddened at the fact that there is a family in turmoil as i write and broken hearts all around. Yeah, this much i know and wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. But we all we are responsible for the actions we choose to partake in and will pay whatever price we incur and will need to pick up the pieces, this much i know first hand and can only hope that he realizes what he is doing has many reprocutions much deeper than his own life, and the lives of his family, there is that trickle down and domino affect that forever reminds you on the long and arduous healing process. i wish them well and know it won't be easy. Must be the new fad these days, or at least in 2010 , too much craziness! So I will leave that one alone for now and address it later and hope that resolutions are in the works. So for us , we are  planning for the Thanksgiving season and the holidays are upon us , making a few things for the dinner at Brazaleens on Thursday and should be a good time, lots of food, people and laughs I'm sure. Well it's late and I'm tiring a tad and feel like a hot shower and a restful night  to prepare for the days ahead, if not tomorrow...goodnight /Morning

Suppression and Expression

Friday morning and lazy as fuck today, very dreary and overcast this morning and hoping the sun pokes it's way out today for golfing later on this morning! My nephew Bradley canceled breakfast so I'm going to the gym first then to find something to eat then head to the course and have a great day. in respect to last nights therapy session I  think I was finally able to table the load of uncertainty that I feel at times, the vulnerabilities that I always hid and kept to myself and shut out the world to my my plight.I think i realized that I can do it all but why? Why not allow the good things in my life to share the load of good and of bad and essentially be a real person who feels and hurts and allows those who matter in our lives take a hold of our hand and help or enjoy whatever it is we are doing. As I always tend to say, life is simple and the complications we incur are generally man made issues that we create on our own and don't have at times the sophistication to to correct them, or some go into panic mode and re create even bigger issues as a result of the lack of coping skills we as human beings have. Those like me have the coping skills but suppress the feeling portion of things for the sake of job completion and forget the real reasons we live, to feel and enjoy and deal with things by taking them on full head on! I think i was able to access myself last night and really see what it is I do at times,i have at times been able to move outside myself and see what it is I do and either catch myself before I say or do something counter-productive or recognize it after the fact and have no problem admitting I am wrong when in fact I am. So there is growth is so many ways and so many news ways to skin my own personal cat in a  way of speaking. I truly feel that i can unload my anger, my fear and my insecurities on Terria and she can and has done the same,me being the overcomplicating soul was addressed last night as well, maybe a control and insecurity issue at the fact that i feel the need to communicate at Nauseum at times and at other times ball up and shut down when it gets painful or uncomfortable, also noted that I can try to make light of things that are not easy for to hear or deal with with my humor and making light of the situation, these are all acts of suppression and escape methods for me, damn i must be a fucked up funny mother fucker than because everything is funny to me, even retarded shit like the Palin family and dumbasses who do sock puppets or balloon figure son the street, mother fucking stupid shit just makes me laugh. Well it must be suppression now as I am rambling on and have a not so busy day in fron to f me, just Golf and maybe hang out with Tim and Ape later on this eve . So the growth continues for the Gregasaurus /Saurus, the real characters of who I am are never far away, i can always be committed to being me and keeping my shit real, thats just the way it is. I know that Therapy was always something I frowned upon and yet always recommended to people, I have friends gong to my therapist and they love the guy as we do and reap the  benefits of opening up the vault of dirty laundry and taking it out to be cleaned, in my cae te "grab Bag " of bad habits and self sabotaging ways is where I can always go. I have never ever NOT been loved or adored and admired, I can say that throughout my life I have always made an impact on people somehow, either through my big heartedness or my humor, there is always something that I leave that s positive and for that I am truly grateful and feel a  sense of accomplishment. But doing for others is easy, doing for myself is the hard part, saying I'm selfish is about things and stuff and possessions that i want or places that I want to go and be at, not the inner core of who i am, the selfish acts are in fact ways that I continually suppress the feeling aspects of my life, be it a childhood memory of my dad's alcoholism or to my potential volatile behaviors of inner anger towards all those who are not loving and giving people. Either way I can grow as I will naturally grow, I do think very deeply , too deep at times and the regulation button is always there but I don't always find it. So  a special thanks to Morales for enabling me to see and to feel again, and for the fact that his stories are not only dead on and helpful and funnier than shit, but he does have our best interests at heart and wants me to be that special husband that I truly can be to Terria by giving her emotionally everything I have, i cannot buy the things that make her happy, she has told me that on many occasions and i cannot buy my ow happiness as a result of nearly 20 motorcycles in an 11 year span, the replacement for substance with things is never a good avenue, i know this for a fact but yet am still not a materialistic person, what I have is nice, and what i do is never cheap but this is not who i am nor is it who Terria is, we do because we can and like to, not because we have  to or feel the need to . We share and give so much just in the everyday conversations we have , the laughs and the tears are expressive ways to share the love we have and to know where the other persons heart is at at all times. You will never know unless you ask, or unless you listen to what your mate is saying and doing and asking for...listening is as important as the speaking. And damn have i spoken enough today or what, it's relatively early and i have spouted enough for the morning session on the Saurus network of babble and spew. got to get back to my day and get it stared , headed to either Bally's or the base to work out then definitely going to hit balls before we golf

VERY POSITIVE EVENING!!

Very Good night tonight, the Orthopedic decides on scoping my left knee as soon as i want him to so i will try to figure out a good time to get this one done. Kind of glad he decided to finally lean in that directions, he says should be a 30 -45 minute procedure so for that i' am happy. Following that we went to therapy and had a nice visit with Michael Morales and were able to table some key issues and had a real good visit, some laughs and some tears and all in all we enjoyed the over all experience of the night! Got home and made some steamed rice for dinner, went well with that Diet coke and corn tortilla..... Yeah!Tomorrow i meet Bradley my nephew for breakfast at the 126 and then drop off the lawnmower for repair , followed by a trip to the base and hit some Golf balls before i tee off with my friends at 1237 pm. Tomorrow night has nothing planned and nothing on the Horizon either. The following week is a short week for me , working monday-through Wednesday  and get Thanksgiving and the following Friday off.So more opportunities to Golf or hang out with Terria and just enjoy whatever come my way on a particular day and moment, thanks Terria and to Morales for making this evening a real fun time, yeah a fun time which included a trip to the therapist and enjoyed that visit with some good stories and laughs and some real headway in some areas of concern for both Terria and I. Well the weekend has officially started for us in grand style and moving on to tomorrow... Good night

So I Lied!

Just when i thought i had my day straightened out I throw my self a curveball and swing and miss.  The potluck went uneventfully, had a half a turkey and half a tuna sandwich and none of the yumm yumm desserts, to include the chocolate truffles i made last night and so desperately wanted to taste and gorge upon. But  didn't and then decided since i had 45 minutes to waste , i did end up hitting the gym and actually had a great abbreviated workout along side my mighty mouse co-worker Sabrina who actually coerced me into going instead of taking the day off. so just got back after taking a late near 1pm lunch and covered the front so people could enjoy the potluck food and enjoyed goig to a nearly empty gym. Tonight we have a full plate to include the orthopedic at 4:20 and then therapy with Morales at 6pm and then a dinner date with Terria at a place yet to be determined? The rest of the day is almost over, get out of here at 3:30 today and have time to put gas and then head over to ventura for the first appt with the Knee dude. I am really trying to keep my focus on the rest of the day and wonder what the ortho is going to say and do today,if he shoots me up with the new treatment that would be interesting to see how that new stuff works over the typical cortisone. So Terria is meeting me at the Dr and then we plan on heading to see the Therapist and then Dinner. So sometimes the plans we set get changed, wasn;'t going to eat lunch here at the potluck but did, wasn't supposed to go to the gym and take another day ofrf, but went and didn't get that day off, might cancel with the therapist if we can't come up with something concrete to bring up and focus on, otherwise he cuts it short and we make the trek to ventura for no reason other than to pay the $10 co-pay, what a nice thing to have a great insurance i tell you, and all these cock sucker republicans with their Socialism cries and and other bullshit they spew...fuck em all. so the day has less than 40 minutes to go for me here at work. Looking forward to possibly a breakfast with my nephew Bradley and then take the mower in , then head to base to warm up for our 12:37 Tee time with rich and Kenny for a great day of golf. So I'm outta here for now and will spew something out of my ass later on tonight!

The Road To Wherever I Want To be

Kind of an emotional whirlwind last night, some emotions were shared by Terria and I and maybe some misconceptions of my thought process and how i deal with the everyday issues that hinder me, for one my knees and the pains that i suppress with them each and every day, sometimes i make do as if everything is alright but recently they have been sore and have not allowed me to sleep and i get up and sleep on the couch as soon as Terria falls fully asleep, and try to come back before she wakes up, little things of communication and at time we assume that the other knows what is actually going on inside of us but we don't always connect. eventually we talk and find that we are either on the same page or not on the same page and for that i am glad that we are able to make it all right in the end. Last night i was puzzled at her emotional state and asked  what was wrong, what did i do now, half jokingly and half serious and she said,"why do i assume that i did something wrong? I don't always assume that but the fact that i can sense when she is not altogether happy or that something is bothering her i always want her to share that with me, but as i tell my wife it is not my place to drag things out of her and she should be more receptive to openly telling me that she is mad, or sad , or something is deeply bothering her. i need to know these things so that i can do whetever I can to help ease the pains ,pressures or the cause that makes this feeling permeate! I can also say that sometime I refuse to complain about my ailments and take care of my own pains the way i do everything, without incident and as quietly as possible and never want to infringe on anybody when i can handle my own shit. yeah the therapist calls this lack of worthiness syndrome or whatever the fuck it is  but i have a difficult time becoming that guy which i despise, the co-dependant , can't do shit without help asshole that i can never become, i mean who the fuck wants to be married to a dude who can't fend for himself or do shit for his wife ,or girlfriend and never ask for anything in return. But it's my issue and I guess we can table this at the Therapist tonight if i choose to, bu already know the answer so i won't. I do have a busy schedule after work today, i do get to go to the Orthopedic for my knees, they feel real achy and creaky and need a shot of the Rooster comb hopefully, then we can buy me some time before i have them scoped and cleanup up maybe early next years, don't wanna do anything to jeopardize the holiday season this year since last year was a nightmare with my accident and long healing stretch from Thanksgiving through the New Year. So this holiday season will be enjoyed, healthy with sore knees , throw in a Terria's birthday visit to Arizona for Rams versus cardinals game 35 yard line seats and loving that and cannot wait, my team has always been the Rams but the Cards are my second favorite team these day as they are Terrias favorite. Terria did get a really cool new phone last night, she got a red version of my old phone the Blackberry Torch and loves it alot, trying to re-acquaint herself with the Blackberry again as it has been about 8 months since she last had hers, she is texting me right now and sending her love, as i send it back and realize that this is what life is all about, being loved and returning it all unconditionally. I might actually get another day off from the gym today, having the 2 appts and we are having a potluck for a baby shower here at work so don't see going to the gym at lunchtime so wtf another day off i will take, that makes twice in one week which generally takes me 2 months to get a second day off but whatever at this point i work out often enough and will make it up on my next workout ,i always do and will overcompensate for the missed day. Tomorrow i have a full plate as well, i need to take my lawn mower into the shop for repairs a and then go to the gym, have a 1230  t time for golf tomorrow with a co worker and a contractor on base so that should be a good time. The weekend has yet to be discussed and  no real plans, the following week brings us Ty's 18th birthday on Tuesday, a new LCD flat screen for the TV room on Tuesday, well that's what UPS says anyway and a Thanksgiving at terrias sisters house with about 900 kids and us, should be tolerable, wised it were at out house, we have a nice patio with seating for up to 16 outside and more inside if needed but Brazaleens it is and will enjoy that endeavor I know. I have been asked to make homemade flour tortillas and beef Rancherabeing on the mend, so this holiday season will have extra cheer and more thankfulness than normal and that we are all where we need to be in life and happier than ever on so many fronts and so many good things to look forward to in the new year. sometimes my sense of reality takes over and i get the sullen feel of having so much when others have so little, seeing homeless people on the streets and feeling like our lord at times did not help these people all he could, then i realize that we are responsible for our own breaks and mistakes in life and God has given us all the means and the tools to not only fuck shit up, but to fix our shit right when we do, i know it;'s a hardened way to explain a very soft and tender emotion but I'm no Twilight character and all fluffy and Gay, I'm a manly man who has educated himself in the game of life and reality, and this ongoing struggle to figure shit out makes me on full alert and the high yield complexity button is on full forward right now. i can therefore I do, I do  because i want to and keeping the things in my life in their simplest form are my goal, but sometimes life doesn't cooperate and i need to get into my fix shit mode and make it done and at times think too much in the process, as i said ,I can ,therefor I do... Terria , does this drive you fucking crazy or what. i ask myself that all of the time and am not an easy person to understand and probably a nightmare to live with and the daily cerebral warfare fought between my ears is music to me, and noise to others! So I just defer to what i know and what i know is a lot of meaningless shit and a smattering of useful shit, throw them all together and the Gregsasaurus is playing at a theater near you, times vary depending on location. Yeah I'm not a mental fuckwad am i? Goddamn i love being me, so bright with my own dimmer switch for comfort.

Frank Schaeffer

The most influential person outside of my family and the bible is Frank Schaeffer. these 2 books are incredible reads and speaks of alot of the terminology and lifes lessons that I try to share with people on a daily basis the wisdom of a man who has been through plenty and made alot of mistakes in his life, much of which is the neew Republican far right based political/religious onslaught of ridiculous people and statements that they seem to get away with and have used FOX News to promote the hatred and lies to the public, how else would a person Like Sara Palin or Michelle Bachman n ever be taken seriously wityhout a platform and an avenue in which to spew their ignorance and hatred. We can thank rupert Murdoch for that, and to think that cocksucker owned the Dodgers a few years back, how embarrassing for us here in socal. So I am re-reading these 2 books in anticipation for his next book due out real soon, sent to the publisher whatever that means timeframe wise i will have to wait. so the fact that schaeffer has been so instrumental in getting me back to a god christian base and not a fanatical Bible thumping /pushing person just a good person where the Golden rule is stressed by his writings and the fact that he says the bible is flawed and we need to use the common sense that God gave us to discern the best way to approach life, common sense and a goodness to share with the world. ! Good Times!

April's Looming !

A Really long night, a Mexican dinner that made me pay the piper for all to feel and enjoy, not pretty by any means! Came in a little late to work feeling lazy this morning but am here and ready for the day and whatever it has to offer, or for whatever i have to bring to it, either way I am here and feeling really good today. Everyday that passes us seems that Terria gets a little more on edge as we near the April time frame of when Braz and Nikki noodles-rice-asian go to Afghanistan and go to war. i have tried to be supportive of my wife in this area and know this weighs heavily on her mind, Braz's state of mind is fuck the Army and fuck everything and don't know whether or not this is a defense mechanism of nervousness for him or he truly hates the Army? But I do know that Terria at times is in her own little world and feels the strain of the impending deployment and i feel whatever she feels of course. Thew only thing i can ever tell her is that they are currently being trained for this type of warfare and that the Lord will take care of us all, we hate to think and feel we could lose our boy to war , but i worry that this war can do more damage psychologically to him and change him forever, this is a boy who was abused by his natural father and has so much anger to begin with directed towards his father, terria has always been the punching bag for that. So as the time closes nearer i will hold my wife and tell her we must put this into Gods hands and allow Braz to grow and understand that this is what he signed up for and that this is the price and toll that we all pay. i pray for them all over there as i write, there are many families who have gone though the same thing numerous time, my friend Ruth, who I visited in October in Virginia on my trip  has 4 kids in the military and has gone through about 8 iraqi and afghanistanian deployments for her kid and states that only the Spiritual faith gets her through it all. I understand that Terria is feeling the pains and loss of power over her boy and has no real way to control the issues as she once sis when he was a boy or under our roof. So i hold her hand and tell her to think positive thoughts and let God take over and protect all of our men and woman over there. Our boy braz has grown up so much over the past 8 moths, he has a sense of reality that not only h army has brought him but his new wife is as young as he is and they are growing and learning on the job so to speak and struggle for the understanding that older people do, they are doing so much for the first time and learning on the run and will either sink or swim with the dedication that is required to make things work. I feel at  times Braz resented me because his father could not be more like me and not fail his kids so much, i did provide him a male role model of a stand up Guy who never deceived or promised them anything ,just told them the way it is and would love them as my own because they are my own I feel bad that their relationship with their father is so strained but that's on their father and I had nothing to do with it but the numerous Court visits at our expense and his fault, took us back over 8 times and never won a thing, yet we are 30k down to prove that we were in the right and he's a fuck up, we knew that all along and had to go to court to prove it, whatever, i have terria and the boys and i know Braz realizes that everything i taught him was for his own good and the term NO was used frequently and as kids they don't ewant to hear that. But we supported their sports and schooling and will do so continually and hopefully one day we will get the pat on the back that parents so love to get  that acknowledges the work all paid off for their kids and as parents we did our job. Being a parent for me was never about being their friend, I am and will always be their dad and not that friend that they're looking for, i can teach more a s a parent than a s a friend and the respect level required by Terria and i 9is almost ridiculous but that's how we have and will always do it. So i Love my boys to death and will always be here for them and knowing that parenthood never stops at 18 ,it's a lifelong commitment. so the days are getting closer for Braz and Nikki  and we stand by them emotinally and spiritually and know that we are in a good place and will be protected from the evils within. Til later God Bless and continued successes and happiness comes to those who keep their eyes open,mouths closed and spirituality at an all time high! Good days , til later on

Writers Disinterest

Not really in a writing mood tonight so i posted a shitload of music, well 4 songs that served their purpose for me in reminding me of a different time and place in my life. It was a pleasant night of dinner and 2 1/2 men and relaxing in the TV room computing and looking shit up for whatever and however and I'm really not into this writing this about now so i will call it a journalistic night and be good with that until tomorrow.   A new day awaits me and i look forward to it, for some reason I really do, guess it beats the alternative of running out of day and becoming worm food!

Matchbox 20 - Push - Storytellers

the best version of this song I've ever heard, really the only Rob Thomas song I like, the rest seem so mediocre compared to this song

[HD] OneRepublic - All The Right Moves (Live At Ellen Show 10/20/2009)

I would have never thought to see this group on Ellen, therefore would have never seen it, one of my favorite songs from 09, not really my type of music but something about this tune is damn cool!

Dog's Eye View - Everything Falls Apart

This song reminds me of me with the self sabotage and all, it's a really good song by a very talented singer

The Cranberries - Ridiculous Thoughts " Live In London "

I Love this song, this is really a great time in my life around 1995 and was done with marriage #1 .yippppeeeeee

"The Project"

I worked on my thesis yesterday
seemed so familiar, so close to home
it was a mirror that i saw
my life in front of me with cracks abounding

My pet peeves and work at hand
self reflection and a  journey
towards the walls of yesterdays past
torn down and crumbled bricks everywhere

I have a Project i call me
I have no due date but my own
perceptions and self improvements
where the bitterness dies alone

everyday I write a new chapter
for a chapter has been lived
every way i tried to self destruct
but i am too strong and cannot be destroyed

too many eyes upon me
a child near a pool's edge
I won't jump in again
but the water is always there

The eyes that look upon me
the love of caring and concern
the conversations past midnight
a lesson has been learned

The gifts are not hand held
not superficial gifts from the local mall
an understanding and an attitude
That being wrong is not always bad

Acknowledgment of my faults
knowing where to fund it's reparations
not running from a burning building
just running back from my separations

you can give a man a spoken word of advise
or you can give him a book to read
I hear every word you ever said to me
and i wrote my own book instead

My life and it's chronicled story
the pains and disbelief of a proud man
never forget where I've gone
but smart enough to never do it again

accountable to my own past and future
I made mistakes and will do so again
my ways of fallibility stare me down
My  lord expects me to continually sin

Looking at this project with open eyes
the endeavors that life presents
the choices to fight the fight
and forever build the stanchion of strength

Today and forever
I see the light at the end
the tunnels opening grows wider
broken walls that won't ever mend

wake up to a new beginning
so familiar, yet so new
when you destroy the bridge you walk across
only to rebuild it for the trip home

Project Greg

Let's see this morning, we have Apple and their huge announcement of the Beatles coming to itunes , OK, who gives a fuck , as if the true Beatles fan does not have every song the Beatles ever made and can now complete their own personal Beatles collection because Steve Jobs decides to fight for the Beatles contract to get them on itunes! Big whoopie , goddamit i hate the fucking Beatles! So in other world of ridiculous ongoing stupidity , we have our Girl Sarah the part time Gov. of Alaska, full time stupid bitch running around the TV and Fox news continuing to be stupid and doesn't even realize it yet, but there are few million people that think she is the second coming! and watch and listen to her religiously, literally and figuratively, because as she claims she is a real American. well if that cunt is a real American ,I'm moving to Fucking Canada and if she ever becomes President i will move to Canada and get away from the far right society that the bible thumpers have created,Carry a Bible in one arm and a rifle in the other and call that rationale. We live a scary society where people are allowed to hate and spew their hatred under the first amendment rights, "if we can't win on the Ballots, we'll win with bullets , and gets away with that type of hatred and Rhetoric. Yeah we live with a bunch of bible thumping world end wishing mother fucking idiots i swear to Christ. but hey I can't control that shit , which Is why i have never registered to vote and if one more person tells me that you can't complain I will kick their fucking ass. People think that just because we have the right to vote we should, ok , go for it and when they elect another President Bush, i can always say I didn't have anything to do with putting that piece of shit in office so go fuck yourself and wrap yourself around the goddamn flag all you Real Americans!!! God Damn i really hate stupid narrow minded people, think poutside the box every now and then, or for crissakes, think period, the idealogy wars are killing America and the far right religious movement has created a following under under the guise of the Bible and it's intended goodness, so you take an inaccurate book, the bible, then you get stupid people who want to interpret it their own way, which is even worse than the bible itself, what a recipe for disaster that is. and it's ok in their eyes to go back 225 years and say this is what our founding fathers based this country on, these people are like the Catholic church, they have not evolved one bit and still go back 200 plus years and quote things that no longer apply couple that with the outdated and inaccurate bible...Ouch..." Stuck on Stupid!!!" Being a Christian again i believe in the goodness intended by the bible, but cannot and will not buy into the every word of it, it's not natural to put so much stock of faith, there is a sense of realism and a sense of common sense that I'm sure our God wants us to utilize, he did in fact give the powers of reason and though and for those who choose not to use it properly I believe is a sin in itself. Something I keep trying to tell My friend Nevarez is that religion is man made, faith and belief in God is not man made, it's broken by man and that we all have the abilities to give and be good people and want to live our lives under the golden rule, just think about the simple concept if the golden rule, if we treated everybody like we would like to be treated , unconditionally without hesitation and doubt, we would be the society and people i think that the bible is trying to relay to us. I can only make my own interpretations of how i think a person should be treated, i know how i would like to be dealt with , with love and respect and caring and giving hands and cast no judgements upon me until you know me, and then when you do give me ways to become better. My friend Robert nevarez once commented when i told him that i was a Christian, he said why are you a Christian and can't make a commitment, i then said the Church of Pedophilia does not suit my needs and i am shocked that it suits yours! Yeah, the alter boys at the Catholic church are the only ones who get that statement in its intended dagger toss. i love my life, my world , my family and the fact that my wife is the most incredible thing ever is one of the blessings that my god has given me and made me work for and continue to do so, no pain no gain and nothing ventured ,  nothing gained is so true to my heart and world these days. The days are great and the life that i have today is really true and don't need that doubt nor do i need the constant reassurance that i am where i need to be. Terria asked me last night if i made the right decision to work on my marriage and keep our family together? She asked if i second guessed being single and free to run about free from responsibilities and worry, i told her succinctly and directly that I had already lived that life 20-25 years ago and that was never a satisfying way to live, Sex was great but it was meaningless and the constant fight to find what i already had was stupid, to answer her question i told her she was what i fought so hard to find, and then let it go and was given the opportunity to get the train back on it's track and roll in the right direction, now the reasons for my departure have been catalogue ,chronicled and beaten to death, they were what they were at the time and I can look back to look forward and grow from where i have detoured and if I don;t that's on me, i have the power ,fortitude and smarts to get back what i almost gave away freely. But as i said to Terria last night, this all made me realize, i am a human being, i am Fallible and mistake prone and a real breathing and living person that put himself so high on life's pedestal that my arrogance made me thing i was invincible and free from the laws of the rest of the world. so there i was "In love"? with 2 woman at the same time when i didn't even love myself, not going to argue the validity of my loves and departures but it made me think that Greg Duran is a complex soul that never lost his perspective, just lost who he was and what he was and in the end the man upstairs has given me yet another chance to get a proper stance on things. I'm not that special to think that I;m a chosen person of goodness, there is some chance and some luck involved with my life and all that crosses my path turns to gold, that much i don't have an explanation for , other than the fact that i do thank my Lord for the gifts,the intelligence and the powers within to make the necessary changes in my life to make not only myself happy and wholesome and loving and giving, but others to freely do the same, and for this the "project Greg" is always a work in progress. so for now i can only say Good days and great times for me and my very wonderful family and few friends that i do have.Loving life and loving those who are a part of it all on a daily basis...God has blessed us all!

Evening Rest

Watching , or was watching a bit of the Football game, WTF and now channel surf through the high numbered channels and away from the garbage on the networks. Waiting a little bit for the only thing besides 60 minutes that I will watch on the networks, 2 1/2 men. The workday ended very nicely, actually held true to my word and did not workout today and feeling a bit rested right now. Went through the Apple store tonight and apparently Apple is bringing something Big out tomorrow morning for something, they always do something big and even have a banner as I opened up the homepage on my new computer, so no rumors  that I know of and just patiently await to see if it's something that I can use or not. It was really cool of the Boss to give us back our 60 minute lunches an thus allow us all to go about our business and have a proper lunchtime. He said he was trying to make a point for people not showing up to work and showing up whenever they wanted to. He had been taken advantage of and his kindness was mistaken for weakness. I did however make it a point to express my opinion to my coworkers  and tell them they better not fuck it up and take 60 minute lunches and don't take advantage of the Boss since he is so easy to work with and, we shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. So the point was made and I will say something to them when they start to fuck around  because i do not like 30 minute lunches. So I do commend Peter for being understanding but who knows next time what he might do if they don't get the message this time. Amazing to me that the private sector, the real world would fire 75 percent of our workers, the incompetence and lack of respect for the best paying and easiest job they and we will ever have in out lifetimes. Yeah, the real world where people are losing their jobs and fight for the jobs that are there, sometime 10 people apply for the 1 job that is available and even more at times, to include working at the local Walmart or Circle K, there is so much to be said for the real world ,private sector, the ability to hire and fire based on ability and not necessarily seniority or being protected by the federal statutes that make it impossible to lose your job regardless of whether or not you ever show up, or whether or  not you use the Govt credit cards to fill your ow gas tank or purchase other things that are totally illegal and would get private sector employees thrown in jail, but the system is the way it is and people know how to exploit everything as  long as it benefits their cause, sad but true. Seems to be an ongoing cause these days;see the Republican party and it's a on going thing where idiots like Sarah Palin get their own shows and make millions of dollars from being fucking idiots, and the fact that people watch this dogshit is even more indicative that we have become a nation of stupid fucking people. so going to make some popcorn and get ready for the show in 10 minutes. Good night and good luck

Sitting Up Front...Reminiscing and Reflecting

Sitting up front long after my front desk duty was to be completed and running late for lunch I am in a daydream fog of whatever  right now, in between disinterest and disbelief and really looking a for a jolt of something to boost me in the right direction. Just re-read my morning Post of Raising the Bar and expectations and relived allot of good childhood memories of taking road trips with big sister to watch my brother Games, i can also remember my dad never went to my brothers Basketball games ,nor too many of the football games, but he never missed a Baseball game and we would roll to those wherever they were. My dad was so proud of his stud son who was really amazing to watch, and the thing about my brother that I always loved and admired is that he never talked trash and never gloated about anything to anyone, always the gentleman and always the class act was not like today's good jocks in high school, very unassuming and very nice to everybody, even today he has that demeanor of constant calm, almost boring and sleepy but you know he's watching and listening to everything going on. My brother is opposite of me and I am the guy who talks the shit and raises his voice and will ridicule you if you deserve it , I remember nearly causing riots at baseball and Basketball games in high school as I was that guy who would talk so much shit  it was sad, but in the end very inspirational to our teams and school spirit. Although not my intended reason was the school spirit is sounded good at the time but it was who i was at the time and still am, very angry at times and equally as happy, i love to wear these emotions on my sleeve and write about those emotions and go back and re-live at times. So today I sit up front totally blowing off my lunch for now and will go in a few and make the 30 minutes count somewhere, not really hungry but will figure out the best use of those 30 minutes! I am actually taking off from the gym today, it's been 2 weeks since my last day off and i have over worked tthe areas I need to work and the bikes are out of order at Bally's which is what I was hoping tpo work , can't do the treadmill that kills me with boredom,  don't know how people do that an hour at a time...damn that's dedication to boredom but at least they are there and doing something good for themselves. It's like watching terria on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes, I'm like shit, that rhythmic movement would put me to sleep. So I'm here at the front and ready to call in a relief pitcher who just so happens to be Jelly who we can never find at her desk and always in places she shouldn't, but i'm out for now and will be back for more Saurus Hi-jinx

Raising the Bar and Expectations

Throughout my entire life I have always had that goal of being something, or somebody that made a difference, i always had the living examples in my life that taught me what to do and how to do it properly, conversly i also had the examples of what not to do and how to fuck yourself in the ass as well. I have always been the constant observer of others, taking mental notes and projecting my own take on the situation and would act accordingly when the situation would arise. Growing up I had my big sister April and big Brother Richard as my pillars of right versus wrong, they always had solutions to problems and dealt so with a heavy hand, April having the heavy hand and was always my mentor and person i looked up to the most, still do and always will. Richard is a truly unique human being , he is unlike any other man i have ever met, he is the kindest  , least judgmental person i have ever met, always so truthful and virtuous and never strays away from being the pillar of Right! I have always spoken about my big sister April in the highest regards and rightfully so, Richard has always been the silent assassin in a way of speaking. He would come in say what needed to be said and move on and do what needed to be done, no fanfare, no yelling and screaming just results. Rich was always the incredible athlete in high school, All CIF, southern State in 3 sports and led the county in Scoring in basketball as a 6-3 center on a Basketball that had very little else, he was and is the hardest working person i have ever met, if there is something to be done, it is done properly and with max effort and there is no compromise ever!!!! He has the most amazing work ethic and is one thing that i  am essentially lacking in my life, is the hard driven work ethic that he showed me. Being away from home after High school he went off to college, got signed after 3 years at CLC in thousand oaks and then went off to play pro ball for 9 years all over the country and , world , played in Japan and in Mexico  and mad ea decent living doing so , as reflected in his Scarface like home in the hill of moorpark, very nice and well deserved and earned. he was always the bench mark athletically and i was always expected to follow in his footsteps and never had the drive that he did. Actually he always said that i was a better athlete than he was and he was the bets athlete RM ever had and i was expected as a 12 year old legend at El Rio little league to take over the Mantle of my big brother, things always came so easily for me as a kid and never required me to work at it, as i got older this lacks attitude was my undoing and never really reached anywhere near my potential. Funny to this day i work harder at everything i do, the gym ,Golf, playing ball whatever it is i touch these days i bust my ass to get better, such as Golf, i hit so many balls and do so much work prior to going out and playing 18 it's ridiculous. somebody once told me that the best athletes don't always make the best golfers, it's usually the guys who can't do anything else that make the best golfers, watch a good golfer try to throw a Baseball and prove my point !I remember when i cycled  and used to ran years ago I was amazingly good at both, Basketball was actually my second best skill set, I can make 82-86 free throws out of a hundred to this date and would win bets all of the time doing so and it comes so easily for me , kind of like my writing, easy and free flows. So as a result , my adult life is so different than my youth, i appreciate things so much more now and take nothing for granted and work to get better at whatever it i touch, even catch myself while driving playing games with myself about my lane positioning and my awareness while I'm driving, the what if scenarios have kept me away from an accident due to my awareness and expecting the other person to do the worst case scenario and be ready for it, and have avoided dozens of accidents this way, unfortunately my poor judgement on the motorcycle riding on bald tires when i had a new set ready to install is proof that I'm not infallible. I try not to boast at all but i have raised my own personal bar in every aspect of my life and expect others to do so as well, that is the part where i get myself into trouble and can never control that part of my world where others have the same conscientious awareness that i do and will act accordingly and do the right things with the right effort to get things done properly. Yes , i have failed myself and my family and more so a few months back and knowing that i am not invincible and a real human being who bleeds and hurts and makes other hurt is a life lesson to make me become a more well rounded human being, being broken is very much like an alcoholic, you're not an alcoholic until you recognize the fact and then start to work on making that portion of your life better and recognition is step one. well i was broken and my personal bar was raised so high that even i was living a fantasy and not doing what i needed to do to build and grow as a person and as a husband. Part of my reasons for infidelity are based on this concept of pulling away from all that has always been so good, the unworthiness and self sabotage that Michael Morales has shown me have given me the basis for healing the internal portions of me. So weird after a day of golf yesterday with tim, i was away from Terria for 7-8 hours and  it felt like a eternity and i actually felt bad that i was off having fun, she was doing my laundry and for an instant i was mad at myself for having fun and her doing things that i always do for myself, she doesn't do my laundry, i do my laundry and when she offers i say  No, well these days are different I was able to transcend the thoughts of unworthiness and allow her to give that portion of herself that i suppressed her from doing over the past 13 years because i always never wanted to put her out by allowing her to help me out, yet i would always be willing to do the same for her and didn't ever realize that i was taking away from her being Terria, the giving , loving  nurturing person that i always had been for her, now we can share in the giving and the overall picture has become clearer by the minute. Yes I have high expectations for Greg, but not to make a million dollars or be living in a beautiful house, all that is important to me i have achieved at least twice in my life and all that truly matters is definitely where my focal points are invested in. I can look back and say i shoulda, woulda, coulda, but i don't live like that and i have made a vow a few years back to never , ever say the shoulda woulda.... scenario and live my life to the fullest degree possible, there are too many people i know and care about who are either sick and or dying and have compromised quality of life, i for one won't wait for that to happen and will live life as if it is the last day i have on earth, material things have never been important to me but yet i have alot of great stuff, maybe that arrogance and sense of entitlement that my mind has always taught me to expect has given me that one trait , be it good or bad I am not a materialistic person, i just so happen to have a lot of really nice stuff, without it i would be equally as Happy and content, but if I can afford it , i have it, thankfully I'm not into nice cars and jewelry otherwise I'd be in debt so badly that I'd have nothing at all. But as I stated, my bar is where it is because I set it there for my own reasons, the world of expectations are a viscous beast and can either make you or break you down, I have fallen and have gotten back up to fight another day and another battle in life life and in this world. every single mishap i've had has made me smarter, every time I've fallen I have picked myself up off the floor with an awareness that I would otherwise let go by and everytime i shit on my self i have always wiped off the soils of ignorance and prospered in the bigger picture. So my living examples have always given me the insight and wisdom to see the many ways to handle the life we have and to make it better everyday, standing back and doing things the same way is the recipe for a train wreck to occur. I get it, I really do and whatever indiscretions that I have done have all been repaired but i will never stop trying to make the grass greener and the playig field level for the rest of my life. I thank My Brother Rich and sister April for helping me to become the unique and vibrant person that i am, and especially to Terria for allowing my iidiosyncrasies to shine brightly and shine the way they naturally do. Thanks for letting Greg be the person you fell in love with 26 years ago and for giving him 2 chances to get it right, I love my life and if at times I appear to not be appreciative of this fact than for this , I will kick myself in the dick for there are millions of people who would love to sit in my seat and enjoy the fruits of my love sand my Life and i'm not giving them away. Lastly I thank God for allowing me the spiritual wisdom to come back to him and  be thankful everyday for the things that money could never buy, LOVE!!!