Positive Restless Thoughts

It is a great Monday morning and not much happening at work so far! Had a great dinner with Terria and Brandon last night, richer than rich and i paid for it but so well worth it, thanks Terria for an incredible dinner and closeness we share! Today brings about a little different feel for me, not sure where it's coming from but i feel better about alot of things today. Not saying I was feeling horrible about anything in particular but as the mind moved violently into the night i can sometimes wander about and sleepwalk during a day with nothing but hard concrete things going on in my head. Being the eternal thought making machine I always ponder the things that go on and ways to make stuff different if not better. and always wonder what is it that I can do to make this happen, man what a burden to self implore upon ones self. i think it not fair to try so damn hard for anything , i try to understand people differences and the whole outside of my hands theory I totally get , but there is some inherently wrong with me and my mind numbing protocol about life. I am so very aware of the issues that I have and have had for a long time now. Morales calls it suppressing feeling by over thought, OK, that's fine in theory but am I supposed to walk around sprinkling pixie dust and and whistling Dixie because I'm supposed to go around trying to become a simpler person, I hope not, God gave me these gifts and i want to use this brain for it's intended purpose, whatever the fuck that may be is the zillion dollar question. I've already proven to myself that my life is a good as anybody can ask for, even better than that , too much incredible goodness happens to me on an hourly basis to ever complain about a damn thing so I feel like a Dick when i do. Like listening to a pro athlete complain about how he's going to feed his family with out that 12  million dollar pay raise he thinks he deserves... shut the fuck up already, this is where I'm at and realize that i am in a great place and really need to make so many adjustments in my life to appreciate the world where i live and the incredible people in my life that make it so damn stupidly amazing!!! Yeah i have it like that and have tried to sabotage myself for the last time, no  more trying to buy something to make a temporary fix, a moment of instant gratification. I am the the man in the watch shop with a broken watch and the parts are all there, i can either cut corners and try to fix it with the broken parts and hope it works out fine, or can seek out the new box laying right next to the broken  watch and install new parts with the new tools that i have in front of me! the million dollar question which is part of my analogy which I often use when friends say this or that about their spouses ,gf's ,Bf's or whatever , or whomever. It's like trying to fix a broken watch with broken parts, the watch is still broken , so dig deep and spend the time ,effort and money on the right stuff and install the new parts to make the old broken watch a better piece of machinery that will last a lifetime with proper maintenance. That is where i am and I understand the concept of instant gratifications and self sabotage and strive to become a better everything with continuing to listen to myself and learn from myself that I am who i am, but there is so much more of me left untapped and ready for a Renaissance. I will always be a good person trying to become better, I'm not a easy person to understand and for that i do apologize , but will not apologize for being complex and smarter than fuck, that's just the part we all  have to deal with, sometimes in a positive way and other times not so good! So today is a great day believe it or not, no sunshine yet on our southern California day but the rest of the day ,week, month, year and life will be always striving towards something better in life, starting from within and moving outward i am in fact a blessed man who is thankful for where i am and where i will be! Happy Mondays!