In Question!

Monday! Morning! again and all is good, the gloomy weather and looming rain outside cannot diminish how good I feel this morning. Even though my gut is a little upset today its getting better as i speak! Sunday night was a good one vested with much thought and contemplation of life and happiness and road traveled and bumps avoided and taken head on. In many thoughts and conversations with my wife, the questions sometimes come as interrogations in my eyes, not blaming or shirking away from the facts that when you get hurt and lose trust it is very understandable to be questioned called on the carpet as per your whereabouts, or texts or phone conversations. A lot of those feelings came up last night a situation was brought up about a friend of mine who I have known forever and was brought to my attention that a certain peculiarity was noticed in the ways that they respond or don't respond via FB or texts or whatever form of communication, albeit I didn't understand where the line of questioning was coming from i sat and llistened and answered , still not understanding what or where the questions were leading. Now having been on the opposite side of infidelity before with my first wife I can understand the lack of trust, so instead of looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life with Tracy ,i moved on , or she moved onward and i let it go, no reason for me to chase the uncertainty so i let that go and moved onward. spent another 3 years with Gina and thought that was ok, but inside knew I was trapped in a one way relationship of give and give more and get very little i return, most of all the respect that i was requiring was not there. so move forward to today and having the best of everything spiritually, emotionally ,romantically at the top of of our game, We had the hiccup and have since tried to make it all go away and make the trust get to where it once was, or at least in the same parking lot, that may never happen...ever. but that being my creation and my mess to clean up I do and on a daily basis give more of myself to make the scene as close to where it was a before. Knowing that this may never be possible i understand that i may lose what i have because looking over the shoulder is no way to live and not a way to put somebody that you cherish,love and adore under these kinds of conditions. Human nature is a horrible thing, it is a vicious animal that makes us who we  truly are, the therapy and counsel have made me aware of who i am and it scares me to think that this mind is so  complex and so anxious to find something new and different to stimulate, even if what i have cannot ever be duplicated, this is where I am at in my therapeutic stepping stone of understanding the beast within. To be questioned and for me to instantly take a step back and ask why am i being scrutinized like this and where is this line of questioning lead to, the lack of trust and the days where i was in another mindset and not truly being honest with myself. i can forever understand this line of questioning for they are the same questions I would have asked Tracy if i would have wanted to forever distrust my ex wife around every corner. So maybe Terria is trying to find that happy medium of trust and keeping it real, if it happened once it can happen again mentality ,I'm not sure I'm trying to put myself in those shoes again, my way was to let it all go away, her way today is to stay and fight the fight and deal with the hard actions and the tough questions. i am at time leery about getting a phone call, or a text or  FB notification as it might instantly stir up old wounds and feelings of the earlier time when i was not an honest husband and person. But leading to today , I'm not trying to beat myself up about this, it all happened and as the therapist said, it had to happen, it was going to happen with the fact that a person of my mental stature who never allows anybody into his kitchen and vulnerable to love and attention he was so used to getting from one person, then move to the accident and nearly dying and required night and day care for 6 weeks non stop by the loving wife, I felt trapped and needed an escape from the goodness because i was not worthy of this care and of this unconditional love, hence March timeframe came and boom it was an opportunity for an unworthy man to take flight and i did. Moving back to today the questions are always warranted and as the perpetrayor of the uncertainty that i created, i must answer them as a man. I don't begrudge Terria for trying tpo find that happy medium, she know my friendly personality and at times has got me into trouble, more times that i would like. but the one time in particular with Valarie is the only time I ventured off the beat and path, and that's ok as the story was being written , its not where you venture to ,it's where your destination ends that truly counts.  All parties are where they should be and that's the bottom line, yet i continually go back and retrace my path and try to live and learn a little more, for the excitement and good times and yet to know there is a broken part of somebody I love in my home that was so loyal and so giving and such an incredible part of my life that Hurt at the fact that i hurt her so deeply and that's what truly troubles me , but as we always say it's not what you have done, it's what you are doing to fix it and make it even better than before. That's where we are today, forever striving to get back and beyond to a place where the questions are not being asked for no other reason than to acquire information , thanks Terria for being so strong and understanding and giving me the chance to make it all better than ever before. I'm thriving at the opportunity to make us both happy! An opportunity that i really didn't deserve but have and will make the best of the privilege this time! I'm ready for th next question because i have nothing to hide, especially the truth