My Status Quo

The Day started of pretty damn awesome this morning, took care of the baking last night ,brought them into the office and all were devoured within the first 30 minutes. Terria was  great again and helped me out this morning by loading all of my stuff in the truck while i was in the shower got my meds on the table and my New Basketball on the bench so i wouldn't forget it when I go to shoot hoops today at lunchtime! Even made me a great hot cup of Vanilla coffee to go, man I should be used to it but the inherent belief of doing for myself is hard to break. Went to the Orthopedic and got another shot in the other knee feels great today and am hoping that a scope won't be needed , or at least not for awhile. Want to take of the 20 pound of muscle mass I've added form the gym ,but the knees feeling better will allow me to run on the beach and play more hoops which will help the leaning out process. Generally don't eat too badly but need more cardio to take the muscle mass down and cut up a bit. so damn strong right now and even stronger than before my accident and much lighter  but still stronger than ever, Benching 455 again and able to max out all of the gyms machines but want to start working on circuit training to get the muscles to lean out and not bulk up. So the gym is my friend and will start training it to remove the mass and tighten it all up! Everything is really ,really good here at home and the workplace is an incredible place to live and breathe for 9 hours a day. This Friday is my off Friday and might try to get in 18 holes of golf we shall see. The weekend is not even on the radar as of yet it seems like we always do something but not much planning goes into it all since we enjoy flying by the seat of our pants a little more than most people do! Had another productive conversation with Terria last night regarding my Blog and how i write, she has some question of interpretations and I explained to her that when i write it's for me to understand and for me to decipher what it truly means to me. If she understands it great, if not she always asks which i have no problem understanding and giving my true meaning. We also discussed how she realizes my incredibly complex mind does not live i the simplest forms, via texts, or writing, or conversational ,i always communicate how I am thinking, when she asks me a question, or says something to me,i can make a simple question or request seemingly look like a stupid person not smart enough to handle a simple request. My mind is so powerful and always looks at every possible connotation and way that this question can be interpreted, yes this even drives me crazy as well but it is who i am, thank god Terria is a patient person who has enabled me and cherishes my complexities. Otherwise I would be in a world of hurt and a lonely man for sure!!!! Life and it's experiences have taught me many good lessons, my mistakes and miss steps have also helped me to improve and fix things about me that I didn't even know were  broken. as my therapist always tells me, I've been doing and perceiving this way since early childhood, breaking ths pattern takes and understanding and the tools he gives me to fix that pattern of wrong doings. I truly recommend therapy to anybody who has issues that aren't easily understandable within themselves, my therapy is more difficult because my analytical mind over processes the info and has a different more hardcore spin that that intended by my therapist. So I'm trying to simplify my approach to things, not trying to become a simpleton, but trying really really hard to slow down the thought process and be less analytical than I truly need to be. I'm very thankful at the fact that we have an incredibly patient and thorough therapist who truly see us a being an easy fix, but maybe not so much for me since I do tend to go back to my Grab Bag of bad habit more than Terria does. I spoke to terria about my past and how I don't have it in me to not care about people and not care how they are faring in their lives, used Tracy as a good example of how I care for her and how she is always a part of my past and we did share alot of good ,but the bad outweighed the good and I couldn't trust her , even shared how she wanted to come back to me and said she would if i would have asked her to, I never did and water being down tothe river is good enough for me. The trust issue is always a thing with me, I doubt that I could ever forgive Terria if she did what I did to her, which Is why I admire and love her so much to think that my second  chance was allowed because of her and because she was strong enough to forgive and move along. She was smart enough to jump on therapy with me because she knew there was something broken about me and wanted to fix it because she loved me, she could have lived fine without me and done well by herself  but was again concerned about me and knew i had plenty left in my tank to continue to make her a proud Terria Duran and she allowed me the gift of getting well and understanding all of the intricacies of myself through my therapy to fix myself and  get things back on track with each other. As i write this I get a text from Terria who thanks me for believing in us and how committed I am  because I chose to go to counseling with her to fix my broken psyche! And thanked me again for believing in US. I thankfully took this seruious and wanted to make sure i fixed it all and never put myself in this position ever again. i equate things to an alcoholic and the step process of always thinking that another drink will take me to the grab bag of badness again. The Parallels are the love of pretty white woman, love to look and to never touch, like a diabetic in a godiva Chocolate factory, I do live in So Cal and it aint easy being a man and being married in SoCal , well it should be for me as I can never replicate the love and greatness that my terria is to me. Again ,thanks for believing and thanks for allowing me to this day to being myself and never trying to change who i am, i will always works towards becoming a better everything to you, our kids and our lives together. I just re-watched some of Schaeffers interviews and including the one from UCLA that we were going to attend but didn't and come to love that man moreso by the minute, a man who truly opened my eyes to the right ways to do things and the proper perspectives of truly being able to say" i might be wrong" but I can still love and appreciate the things that make me happy , my wife, my Grand kids, my family and friends, and he also says something that sticks with me today" We are not who we think we are, we are what those who are close to us say we are" meaning because I think i'm the  greatest thing since sliced bread and love myself so damn much, but if my family and friends think that Im an  egotistical, arrogant mean spirited and untruthful person! than those that matter the most know the truth .i take that with me and care what the people in my life think of me and say about me, not for arrogance sake but for the mere fact that I want to be a positive in everybody i comer  across, not for my benefit, for them!!! god Has Blessed me with so much ,I can only hope to try and pay it all back with my gifts to others through understanding and tolerance! Goo Day my friends! i love it!