Growth, Perceptions and Realities

The Rain finally went way and won't be back til Sunday it appears. Tomorrow i will golf at the Base, Tim is golfing at a place that i hate to golf and is too expensive for somewhere i hate to golf so tomorrow I will golf at the Base with my coworker Richard instead. Tomorrow will be nice to see the sun for the first time in nearly a week, felt like Seattle this week and that's not all bad but I do love the sun and the good weather that we generally have in the Southern California area. So having just dealt with a week of bad weather seemed odd to us all but we are blessed to live in a great place where the days are 340 plus  good ones to the 20-25 bad ones if that, a bad day being a day without sunshine for us all. Good times tomorrow, all of the baking is done and we do have a trip to therapy tomorrow night as well which Will be a good thing, been 2 weeks since our last visit and am glad we can see Michael before the Holiday season officially is in effect! I have so much to be thankful for this season and Michael is one of them, i truly feel he has given me the ability to see my choices for what they really are... choices to either succeed or to fail, this is a decision that i have full control of and will either prosper in my efforts or as he puts it" fuck myself in the ass" by my failures. Much deeper than the affair I chose to have are the effects of my choices and my actions and how I arrive at them by  my thought process. Once I decide to do something I am able to see the reprocutions of those choices by forecasting the end result, either by seeing them as a good choice or a detrimental one that will help me to self sabotage myself by the aforementioned failures by poor decision making. My springtime affair was the manifestation of a lot of thing, but the damage done was in affect long before the affair and that is where the Therapy has helped me so much, to identify areas in my life and ways that my self awareness was lacking and i had no knowledge of these things, these were all secrets to me because i could not see what I was doing to myself as wrong since i had done it for so  long and was never truly given ways to fix myself, i was always able to fix others very easily but not able to focus on myself for reasons that are too numerous to try to explain here now. but lets just say that raising myself emotionally had finally caught up to me and that my coping skill for Greg were created through somebody else's eyes and standards, now that i understand this I can move on and get it right..hence the relationship with my mother always being strained. Being ok with that now and feeling no ill affects or guilt for not giving a shit about my relationship with my mother i am good with that. I  am not one of those guys that needs to be loved or liked, can function by myself and without anybody in my life be it a woman , or friends, but being blessed t have some of the best friends in the world and my Terria being Terria is self explanatory. Being the lucky recipient of an incredible person and human being, just so happens to be my incredible wife is really not so  much a mystery anymore, for a long time I would question how lucky i was to have so much love in my life and how everything just fell into place, not feeling worthy at one time would always question that gift and didn't always feel worthy of these wonderful gifts. Now that I understand how my life works and the dynamics behind it all, the fact that I am the most complex person that I've ever met ,is at times a little crazy , if not frightening but is not a scary as it once was! dealing with these idiosyncrasies is what will help to to adjust to dealing with the goodness and feeling the worthiness that a proud and honest person should feel at all times. I do feel good about where I am emotionally these days, spiritually I am working on becoming closer to the word of God but don't ever want to be that guy who thumps people over the head with it all. I don't believe in the fact that just because you can quote scriptures makes you an instant Christian, by that measure we could all be Christians based on our memory and our ability to quote the scripture itself, that's not what being a good christian is to me, moresoot of things, some by Terria and some by therapy and Michael, but knowing that i am human and so far from perfect allows me to realize that we as humans have so much to give and so much to learn and growth is happening all of the time. when you stop learning, you start dying! Good times and Good Night