A new year

 New Year's Eve today

A new year will bring either problems or solutions

I'm not sure I can project an outcome

I'm really emotionally unavailable

Starting over from day 1

365 before I can retire

I'm looking forward to it all

My retirement is so much different than planned

Taking a look at my future plan

Growing old and trying to stay healthy

I want to be closer to my boys

May the logistics fall into place

Preparing for tonight's non event

I've never been excited about it

Amateur night everywhere

Drunken stupors envelope the streets

I'm missing the obvious in my life

Still can't quite move on from the sting

My body is warm but my heart has gone cold

I'm caring less but still fight off the tears

Crash II

 Throughout my healing from my crash I was taken care of by my wife Terria, took me to appointments, made all calls,gathered all the medicine and treated my wounds from home. Wrapping my surgically repaired let with treated gauze and keeping it clean. 

I was blessed to have her by my side for all follow up care as well as moral support when I was defeated. I can also thank that nameless young man who pulled me out from the trailer. My family always supportive

I do want to thank Terria for being the best,person, friend and wife a man can ever have. I never deserved her and must live my remaining years a lonely sad and dishonest man who didn't respect my wife or the vows we took together. She held up her end 20 fold, I fell short and now beg for forgiveness.  I've been blessed in all aspects of my life who has chosen deceit and self sabotage as a means of being who I am 

Crash Anniversary

 Three years ago today

My world changed dramatically

I crashed my bicycle and went down hard

A stranger saved my life

I crashed into a sewer grate

Spaced to far apart

I crashed and flew under a trucks trailer

Under the rear wheels I lay stunned

A young man walking by with groceries

Stopped and ran to me yelling get out of there

He dragged me out from under the rear wheel

The light turned green the truck drove off

My leg swelled up

Went to the hospital for treatment

3 weeks later I went into surgery to remove a large hematoma 

A year of wound care therapy, I limped and felt so weak

Time has passed and I still can't walk

My crutches and my walker

Is it my back?, neurologically induced

5 doctors later they still don't know

I'm thankful that I survived that day

Though it's clearly been a struggle

Suffering from pain and PTSD

And losing the love of my life

Dark Reality

 When the sun goes down

My fear goes up

It's dark outside

But so much darker inside of me

It's quiet time, thinking time

Too much time to not think straight

The TV'S on 

I can't tell you what I'm watching

The mind races to nowhere

Ending up where it all started

A thoughtless man with horrible judgement

Wiping the blood of broken hearts

I want so much to hear a friendly voice

I need reassurance that it will all work out

I need a hand to hold my head up high

So that I can clearly see the roads ahead

I've banged my head too many times

I keep walking into the low lying branches

I'm concussed with disgust internally decomposing

Let my ashes flow with the wind

My plate is full

 There are so many things going on 

Too many issues to be dealt with properly

My family my kids

Are all feeling the strain

Where do you start when there is no end

When can you rebuild what never should have fallen

I grab for a tool bag to fix it all

My grab bag of bullshit is what I have

The rains have fallen on my head

My dampened spirit must see the sun

To dry my sorrows and make me whole again

What it would be like to feel good again

Waiting for my phone to ring

I would do anything to hear her voice

Scream at me vent your pains

I've lost it and I want to find you again 

I Will Wait

 I've just listened to a few of the sad songs listed

I don't know if I have ever felt so broken

With each passing verse

Was a culmination of amazing memories

As I wipe away the tears

It becomes real to me

I've lost the best thing that ever came to me

Lost for reasons I can't explain

My love won't talk to me

Losing her respect and love

Betraying everything our vows stood for

I want her back so badly

I ask and pray for forgiveness

I pray that she will be ok

Wondering what tomorrow brings

I'm sometimes afraid to deal with a new day of pain

So I offer up some healing

Time away to let us grow

Closer together or farther apart

I will wait until my dying days

Sad Songs II

 These are added to my previous list of songs that are sad and make me hurt for who was formally known as " my Terria"

Yesterday- Beatles

Fill up my senses-John Denver 

I started a joke- Bee Gees 

I just don't know

 Way too much time on my hands

Too much down time to negatively reflect

Too many dark tunnels to drive myself through

Too many solo rides without you

The hurt inside is hard to describe

It changes constantly and I cannot hide

The wrath of heartache upon me now

Moving forward When I don't know how

It's dark , I'm lost and I don't know

If tomorrow brings me a brighter light

I pray each day for some direction

I patiently wait for my prayers answers

Staring in the looking glass

I see too much and can't absorb

The truths and fallacies staring back

What have I done and why did I do it?

Coming to grips about where I am

Is to try to understand who I am

My life was amazing and now it's not

Russian roulette with someone's heart

It should never be about me!

 Do you cry like me

Do you hurt like me 

Will you survive without me

I know you really will

Is your life better without me

No more worries about me

So much goodness and growth ahead

Never looking back again

Will you laugh at me

Tell a joke about me

Be brutally honest about me

When I'm no longer around

All's I have for you

Is what little I had to give

All that you'll remember

Is that I stole something from you

Your life and trust

25 wasted years of nothingness

And a broken dream of forevermore

And the pieces to be mended

The end is near and you'll be free

To live that life I took from you

I'm living in misery as I should

Sad, alone and broken 

Run away

 I've run out of things to say

This is my only friend

Always here when it need it most

Which is most of the time

I'm running out of things to believe in

All that mattered don't believe me

A broken heart can be broken once

But it doesn't stop me from breaking others

I'm running out of things that matter

I've given in and given up

Emotional scars and physical pain

No turning back just accepting my truths

I'm running circles burning s path

Of most resistance and most difficult route

I want to get off this Merry go round

The park is closed and won't turn off

I'm running out of days to live

Meaningful and happy times

I hold on to vivid memories

It's all that is left for me

Running further and further away

Going nowhere yet fading away

My only savings grace in life

Is to be forgiven for my existence 

Free fall

 I need some sort of sign

Something that will show me a better day

Trying to find it is fruitless

I'm running out of patience and daylight

The darkness of the days are intense

My nights are filled with an empty hole

As I keep falling through this gap

I ask myself what am I doing

What can I do to make it right

Continue to beat myself up

Succumb to my worldly mistake

Move forward towards I don't know what?

If I could sit down and speak to you

I know what I would say

I don't know if you would hear my words

Nor believe a word I say

I wonder if the mistakes I've made

Have me imprisoned in this hell

Punishment for promises unfulfilled

And the bullshit I've tried to sell

Goodnite my dear it's getting late

I'm tired from my travels

This journey to a destructive end

As I brace myself for another fall

The long heal

 Still recovering from the holiday

Mentally exhausted, physically broken

The kids still here for one more day

I will miss them and it will be quiet

Trying to recall last holidays

I don't recall where we were

Only that this year came and went

I was so out of place

Thinking about my losses and constant pain

Somehow making it through day to day

If I have a question I need to ask

My answers left me to figure it out myself

Today is a new day and all seems lost

I figured I would have gained perspective

But instead I'm losing my mind

I wish she would talk to me

I stand back to let her heal

Wonder what is on her mind

Will she still hate me forever

All I want is a normal conversation

I'm asking alot from her

Forgiveness and a caring heart

I realize that her heart's still bleeds

So I will step aside and try to heal

Both Sides Now

 There are many songs that I associate with Terria

Most of them now make me sad

Well I found the song never before connected to her

I came across an old song tonight

I have never cried so hard and felt so sad until now

Joni Mitchell's "both sides now"

No reason why it hurts more than the others

It just hurts and I don't like this sadness

I'm sad for me when I should be happy for Terria's freedom from pain

As I sit here overthinking my grief

I hope she is ok and better than before

A simple song brought out the last drop of pain I have

I sit here and pray for a chance to right my wrong

If she reads this someday

I hope she realizes how bad i feel for ruining her world

I'm ok with ruining mine, I'm a waste of space anyway

But I didn't have to hurt her like I did

Enough pain and sadness has been shared

I would end my life before I hurt her again

Now I'm existing in uselessness

I'll play that song to remind me where I am

As I struggle daily to make it through

I think of your goodness and how blessed I am

To spend my life with such a gift

I miss you so much and live with this loss

Thank you so much Terria

God blessed me with you!

Dreams

 I keep having the recurring dream

I wake up next to you

I wake up to the fact you're not

So I cry myself to sleep again 

The misery that burns inside

Scorching pains that won't subside

Does this pain go away? 

I tell myself it won't

Memories are all I feel

Goodness of you in the house

That's all gone now I can't accept

I ruined my marriage and my wife

The guilt is killing me

Much more than my ailments

The empty feelings deep inside

My selfish ways of coping

 

I walk into this fog today 

Trying to accept reality 

I miss my wife and my life

But my choices have got the best of me

If and when I wake up tomorrow

I have no plans to survive

The loss that I feel inside

Make it impossible to smile again

Runaway Happiness

 I'm losing traction on my destination

Time and circumstance have taken over

My body is weak my mind is broken

There are no lights there is no tunnel

I wander through the minutes of each day

Lost and beaten by the demons inside

I would have hoped my life would follow a plan

I followed the wrong thing and here I am

Looking for a positive hold

My support system has let me go

I cannot blame but myself

This disaster called my life

My heart is broken

Now it truly is

The doctors won't fix me

My Psychologist has no answers

Every turn provides memories

Around the corner another thought

How could I blow up my treasure chess

Why can't I fix this bad mistake

I put on my clothes again today

Another thing we bought together

When does this pain go away

Whenever your pains go away

It's not about me it's all for you

Your happiness is my biggest concern 

I've ruined my shot at a perfect life

Misery loves company and you're not invited

Mistakes

 Living with so many flaws

Broken man with broken dreams 

Enough was never enough

Now nothing is all I have

Great memories of all we shared

Amazing trips to nowhere in particular

You were by my side and that's what mattered

I reach my hands out to empty air

I'm not perfect so far from it

Knowing my capabilities to self destruct

I carry on as if nothing's wrong

I'm not surprised,arrogance mistaken for ignorance

Wondering what I was thinking

I never did so what's the difference

I can see it all very clear

After the fact and damage is done

I know who I am

And what I'm capable of

Mistakes and stupidity

Living with a sadness I've created

So when I turn off the lights tonight

Metaphorically speaking the am I over too

I wrote my honey a note today

This is the saddest day of my life

I know every cliche in the world

I am that cliche of all that is 

wrong

I've made too many mistakes to be forgiven

All I can ask is you find your way 

Christmas 2023

 It's Christmas day and beautiful out

Birthday of Jesus

My son Brandon's 38th birthday

My best gift ever

Today is a mixed bucket of emotions

I'm enjoying the family

Good food and love all around

I miss my Terria so much

Family is coming later for a bountiful dinner

Presents and Brandon's birthday cake

I smile and laugh to hide the truth

I'm dying inside a slow sad death

What are you doing Terria

How are you doing?

Is your life better without me

I haven't fully realized all I've lost

I wish I had more answers to the questions that I have

I wish I could look myself in the mirror

I wish for very little in my life

I wish my Terria was by my side

Memories

 I have so many fond remembrances

Times I cherish and hold onto

Times that seem like yesterday

Even if they were 20 years ago

You gave me so many great memories

So much goodness we shared together

Times of thought provoking conversation

When I listened I learned so much

It is a new day to trudge on through

Thinking of days without you

When I look back I smile so bright

Tears of reality flow tonight

A road trip , a planned vacation

Watching Hallmark movies on Saturday night

Listen to music on video

These songs now make me sad

I drive away from our favorite spots

Too painful to relive those thoughts

I miss our each and everyday

I miss new memories that have gone away

With all of my love I truly regret

I burned our House down but remember when

We shared and cared and deeply loved

The presence of each other and our love taps

Moving forward creating a new day

Making memories all over again

I see you happy somewhere else

I'm so happy for you I can let you go

Songs that make me cry

 Suspicious minds- Elvis

The other me- Joe Jackson 

When tomorrow comes- Eurithymics

Close to you- Carpenters

Rainy days and Mondays

Any Carpenter's song

the way it should be-Carly Simon

Nobody does it better- Carly Simon

Hallelujah -by anybody

Tank Park Salute - Billy Bragg

Long hot summer-Style Counsel 

I threw it all away- Style Counsel 

The Mix cassette I made a special woman in 1999

Any song Terria liked

My therapeutic friend

 I don't drink ,smoke or do drugs

What's wrong with me.

I have this addictive personality

Yet refrain from indulging

Oh wait , I didn't mention

I'm addicted to anybody's' wife

Not the best woman on the planet

The woman I betrayed still crushed

The gains were never worth the loss

Just something different to do

I leave behind a pile of ruins

And write about my loss

My great friend and therapy

Writing has never failed me

Always here to serve me well

While I grieve in constant sorrow

This friend of mine

So very kind, never judges or goes away

It offers me honest answers

That I bring myself to bare

On another night like tonight

When my flaws are emblazoned on my soul

The consequences of bad choices

Have started to take their toll

This is it!

 Today was another horrible day

Negative, sad thoughts

What could've been and what is

I can't complain just bare the pain

I re- read texts over and over again

Each time an angrier version of the same story

Trying to grasp this disillusioned scenario 

No answers just cold air

I cried today

Lonely and empty with my thoughts

My actions, my frame of mind

So far from who I am

Maybe I am a thoughtless asshole

Narcissistic, arrogant and heartless

All I know is I destroyed a great foundation

And a perfect woman too good for me

To see her disappointment

To feel her pull away

Left me feeling worthless

I'm dying inside today

I reach out and call your name

You can no longer hear me

If you could what would you say

I want to read your letter

Another night approaches me

I'm afraid to close my eyes

My biggest fear, my biggest reality

I'll wake up alone in the morning

I call your name several times

You can hear me now and look away

My thoughts and dreams are with you now

But you're so far away

Another goodnight to you my love

More sleepless nights ahead

Trying to find the meaning of it all

I'm clueless and alone

I feel the doors are closing soon

My job was poorly done

Each day that goes by without you

Is another day I dread

Lost it all

 Today was the nail in the coffin

I'm buried alive with guilt and blame

Accountability for inability

So many failures unexplaine

d

I broke her heart and her soul

Buried her 6 feet above the ground

Her trust and goodness left me behind

It's over now , watch me die

I killed a love that had no faults

I'm bleeding quickly wet and alone

We made our final voyage today

A visit to the fucking bank

I asked for forgiveness

I was given a cold look of disgust

I miss so much of what I had

If only I can make it right

I'm a broken man who broke her heart

Mistakes not ever forgiven

Living my life without my heart

Living a life of sadness well deserved

Today we ended the chance I had

Last deposits and separate ways

Our sadness dripping from our faces

God please find me a better place

Good-bye Terria my rock of gold

My only love I'll ever know

When I wake up from this day

I beg this a dream gone astray

Forward

 Talking to my oldest boy tonight

Awaiting his visit tomorrow

My 2 grandsons his wife

It's a great thing at a horrible time

We talk of sports, music, 

His new love is an older love of my own

Photography and camera gear

I'm giving him one of my older cameras to learn

It gives us another interest to share

He can also take photos of his boys

Getting away from iPhone pictures

Which can be good, but not a camera

As I await his arrival and my new chapter

I can only remind myself,the chapter I threw away

I turn my thoughts to a new beginning

Looking back on what should still be

I try to grow in a new direction

One that's positive and true

Tomorrow begins a new chapter

I won't ever shut my old books' memory

When Tomorow comes

 What will tomorrow be like?

Will the sunshine brightly?

Will the calming winds blow away to hurt

Will it rain again and share the darkness

This bad place is where I stand

The painful state is so unhealthy

I can only hope that time is on my side

To give me changes I will need to survive

I want to walk again 

Snap some pictures of a beautiful river

I want to see you smile again

I want and want and want

Today is not so kind

My heart is broken and loveless

My body is worn and full of death

God will send me something good

When I close my eyes each and every night

I pray to God to make me right

Most of all I want her back

Why would I want to do that to her?

I'm a selfish person and arrogant

I'm better than you just hear me talk

I've used my gifts to self destruct

I've lost it all and lost my way

Another day closes down

Accomplished nothing but another worry

I want so bad to make it all right

I dream I dream, I dream all night

So when tomorrow come my way

Will I fight the fight or run away

I can't fix wrongdoings or bad decisions

Another dream of the grand illusion

State of depression

What an odd place to be

Tired and need more rest

Resting from my rest

Sad lonely existence

This death sentence of habitual idiocy

Been catching up to me

Now has surpassed and run on by

To another life far far away

I can't fight this fight anymore

My resistance and self-tolerance

Can no longer can sustain itself 

For losing everything is all I know

What I feel is a numbing reality

The realization that There is no meaning

No more reason to expect miracles 

No motive for the commonplace to exsist 

Self-loathing and a depressed mindset

Trying to break away will destroy me

So I let all that matters go free

In the hopes this depressed state doesn't ruin me

I want it back

 It's dark outside, rain pours down

It's darker inside

A tornado of emotions

It has blown me away

I can't really grasp it all

The sudden failure of my future

It's late in the game

Starting over is not a good option

So I round up my thoughts

Debris ridden and tattered

I seek shelter from this turmoil

But there's nowhere to go

I dream about you

I think about you

I've destroyed what was us

May God mend these broken souls

Holidays are upon us

Christmas trees gifts piled high

Dreams and families all together

My family is split in two

This daily grind so hard to define

Broken pieces and shattered dreams

A burden that I cannot carry

All I want for Christmas is my old life 🔙

The bottom

 Falling quickly

The mind and spirits have gone

To re-live my biggest mistake

Nightmares that never end

So as I sink towards the bottom

Falling and sprawling

Crying and trying

To regain some semblance of dignity

Making my bed but can only lie

Truths of the matter cannot hide

I see no light on the outside

So I imprison myself where I can hide

My realities are damp and cold

My truths have yet to be told

Somewhere out there pain lingers

I look in the mirror and look away

As I descend towards an ugly fall

I brace myself for the end of it all

Too much time and no distractions 

Living in darkness is my only attraction

Many days I see your face

I miss the look of love and goodness 

I see the world with tearful eyes

The bottom of the pool where my body lies

Table for one

 I read your texts

I feel your pains&anger

You ask me why

Damn! I wish I had an answer for you

We talk all night text messaging

You open your heart and share your angst

I sit here dumbfounded and numb

Emotionally and morally bankrupt

You say I profess my love to you

The action falls short of the Mark

I robbed you of your trust for life

I've taken away all you thought was real

Your pain is a crescendo

Rise and fall with every word

I try to be a soothing calm

It is I who created the storm

You feel that I just don't care

I'm heartless and arrogant

You"ll never know how I feel for you

If I told you I wouldn't be believed

Liar and a cheat

Infidelities and deceit

How can I ever retreat

From who I really am

The conversation changes

We laugh and make a joke

The past is so far behind us

Reality throws me to the ground

That dream of reconciliation

That dream away from what is real

The reality of my heartless acts

And the love I'll never again feel

I'm tired and I'm hungry

I excuse myself to get s bite to eat

The realization of a meal alone

Alone at a table for one

Nothing

 I've got nothing positive to say right now. Deep dark thoughts

Bye

 Left my old house today

Truck load of my belongings and a heavy heart

Bad choices and self sabotage

Have made this all necessary

I didn't wave goodbye 

How could I ask for a goodbye hug

You checked out over a month ago

I was never there

A new life is upon me now

I want the old one but that's no possible

A heavy heart now we depart

Into the unknown we call change

Goodbye old house and former spouse

I miss you very much

Your broken heart and disappointment still lying on the floor

Reflection

Going back to 2010 on this site, I was reading the comments section and came across many from my wife Terria. she was always so positive and good for the soul.I felt the love and admiration in her comments and truly believe that she came into my life at the right time and I embraced her goodness for what it was, another chance to find happiness with a person who loved me faults and all

Makes me sick to think I threw it all away and never truly appreciated her goodness and love for me. My life will never be the same, hers will be better and I always loved the song "wait for me" by Hall and Oates. There's a reason I loved this song and I realize that it was meant for both of us to wait for one another, moreso for her to wait for me to get my shit together. I always knew I was flawed and she with stood my unorthodox approach to life. Again I thank you for dealing with this mess you called your husband and know that I can't ever hurt you again. Love always, /ME 

Heartbreaker

She said I ripped her heart out of her chest

Squeezed all of the blood out of it

Dry and broken

What have I done

We took a vow 

She followed it

I drifted away

Sad and lonely

When all I leave behind is heartache

Where all I am is a bad memory

The good times don't seem so good

I've made my bed and burned it to the ground

I asked her to reconsider

Take me back and work this out

Another dagger in her heart

what was I thinking to ask for forgiveness

Our days are coming to an end soon

I pack my crap and prepare to move

I've thrown away more than I keep

I've lost more than I ever deserved

I try to enjoy my last minutes in my house

It's hers now and I'm not welcomed

I feel the hatred and tension

All I want is to be forgiven

I ask too much to be forgiven

I wish and hope but it will never be

She can only take so much

I took away 25 of her years

Broken hearts and spilled blood

Broken promises and deceitfully living

How can a man be so cold

He's not a man just a shadow

I asked myself what would I do with another chance

I prayed for it, dreamt about it

The greatest gift in the world

Forgiveness and another chance

That was yesterday when I wanted so much

That was many miles huge from where I am today

I'm bad news and I won't come back

Even if she wanted me to

I can't hurt her anymore

I won't hurt her anymore

I need to bow out and face thr truth

I should never have trust given to me

I've never been much of anything

Shortcuts and the path of no resistance

The easy way out is where I go

So I leave and let the wounds heal

In my last few days I hope to say goodbye

To my past, my problems and my pain

I know the grass is not greener

But I know it's not just dirt

Thank you for the years of joy

And the incredible memories you have given me

It's sad I didn't grow with you

And didn't hold on to what was mine

This chapter is finished

Turn the page

Find another book to read

Find a different life to lead

 

Text Message to my Wife

 I know my health issues were hard on you

Now I'm gone and so are your worries about that

I can never feel better for what I've done and how I've made you feel

I'm responsible for what I've done and how I made you feel

I'm no victim here and never claimed to be, I hurt too

I have so many regrets that transcend beyond my mistakes in our marriage

Your feelings of abandonement are very unfortunate

I have never planned to abandone you

My actions forced you to leave me which is very upsetting to you

Yes you gave me everything you had and did an amazing job as my wife and best friend

You didnt ask for the shitshow, you inherited it from me

My point was that your worries and concerns are to move on and heal

I can't make what I did go away

I can only hope you find your peace and by leaving me

You have a headstart towards a better life

My headstart is totally different and is a careless attempt to forget my pain

And the pain I have given to you

And anybody elses life I have ruined,hopefully you can

You will never get back to worthless 25 years with me

Now you can I hope

You don't deserve this

Nobody deserves to be hurt like you have been hurt

I can't apologize enough or make this go away

I realized my brother was right

I should never be married

Especially to you

Who was always better than I could ever be

You stand for something in life

You are a nurturing loving human being.

I can't say that about myself

I held myself to a level that I was never able to obtain

I can't ever look myself in the mirror and say" I'm a good person 

I don't hurt people I love

Maybe I'm unable to love

Maybe I can't love myself to love someone else

I guess me calling myself an asshole years ago was a forecast to what I've done

I pray you find peace in your life

And I know I can't hurt you or anybody else anymore

I can't come close to explaining how or what I do

Could be I never loved anybody in my life, not even myself

I just wish it wasn'yt you in my path of destruction 

I will always care about your well-being and your happiness whether you want me to or not

I'm out of things to SAY and my body is numb

If you ever want to talk, ask questions or just yell at me

I wouldn't mind that at all

Thank you for hearing me out

Even though I don't expect you to believe anything I say or feel

BE WELL!

Faulty Wiring

I'm haunted by yesterday.

Tomorrow scares the shit out of me.

What will make the fears go away

While I forget about today

I'm trying to connect to what is real

My mind is not ready to face the truth

My messed up world that I have chosen

I will never understand my choices

I shake my head in disbelief ,I cry myself to sleep.

When morning comes I feel the weight.

My shoulders heavy ,my heart is broken

What did I expect?

Even if you forgive me

I can never forgive myself

The damage I've created

I deserve what I will miss

I've realized that my flaws are real

quick fix admiration and a weakness for what  is wrong

The next best thing is out there.

So I chase whatever I already have

Trying to look deep inside

being honest with myself

I can't save myself from myself

So instead I try to hide

The truths stares me down 

each and every day

the looking glass tells no lies

So I look the other way

The pillow that I use at night.

Is nowhere to be found.

It's buried underneath the truth.

And never used again.

The pains and the sorrow 

that I feel and have given

Decisions and incisions that cut so deep.

How can I ever be forgiven?

Trying to solve my inner angst

And coming up with no solutions

be cautious when dealing with a bad connection.

And a case of faulty wiring

Dec 2 2023

This Isn't how I imagined this date

My wife's birthday today

I'm over here she is not 

I want her in my life, she does not want me.

The numerous mistakes and heartaches haunt me

I had every opportunity to do what's right

be the best person I could be

For the best woman I was blessed to know

Retrospect and great memories

Looking back the pains still grow

If I had another chance

I'd fuck that one up too

Today should be a day of celebration.

Like every day before

We should be side by side.

Not waiting by the door

Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

We will both be wide awake.

I wake up to a world of  regrets

And the choices I have made.

I hope that your pains go away soon.

I hope you will forgive me too.

But if you can't I understand

two strangers passing through

Chances

Why do I get so many chances

opportunities that others don't get

I lost my family to bad decisions

And I gain a family that I've lost

My son, my grandsons

A text and a few pictures

The life I've missed is the chance to make it all right 

I miss my boy so much

Why has God been so forgiving ?

How do I always have an open door

Is my poor health  payment for my sins

I don't think it works that way

It's hello to new beginnings

taking me away from all I knew

The family home, the one that got away

Chances follow me wherever I go.

So I Pray

Most people don't know I am a spiritual man

Oddly enough , I am

I'm not the Church on Sunday or bumper sticker with the fishy guy

Just keeping it real and won't ask for much.

My mind runs wild with every passing second.

My thoughts are generally good. 

My actions are sometimes questionable.

My God, why am I here?

I pray for you

I think of you all day 

Maybe I should have prayed for myself on occasion.

To fix the broken parts of me

I pray myself to bed at night

Conversations of thoughts gone wrong

Should have been thanking the lord

Instead of wanting more

Goodnight my love as I wait for you.

my mind plays tricks ,is this all a bad dream?

I'm wide awake with nowhere to go

The clock ticks on as I waste my life

 

Back again

 This roads' familiarity scares me 

The bumps and cracks are still there.

Maintenance has not been performed

So we go around the bend

My broken body and fucked up mind

my future happiness left behind

where does life go from here

I should have a road map to take me there

Starting over with new opportunities

I leave behind the broken pieces.

Pieces that others will clean up for me.

I walk away to continually be broken.

I'm coming back to a place I know

instant gratification and something else I don't need

Always looking for the next best thing

While I let it all go when I already had it

 

Sorry

I apologize tonight

Tomorrow and everyday forward

My inability to do what's right 

I've been here before

To my family and friends I ask for forgiveness

to my wonderful wife I ask for my world back

The very world I couldn't appreciate and protect

The world that has come crashing down on me

Disappointment is too kind for me

I let too many people down and don't know why

This state of worthlessness

I construct only to destruct

Missing dates and holidays

Birthday dinners and barbequed Saturdays

I miss my life very much

I miss my wife so much more than that.

Again ,I ask to be forgiven

No hatred no ill will 

I've never deserved the blessed life I lived

Nor do my loved ones deserve what was given

Deceit and evasiveness ,trying to hide

Whatever I was looking for and never found

You hurt, I hurt, maybe tomorrow will be better.

Wake up tomorrow and give it a try

Pain

This really hurts

The pains I've given that I wear today

 Won't soon go away

What the hell have I done?

I've lost it all

My family , my wife and myself

the world that I knew

has changed and won't ever return

How many second chances does one get

I'm missing one that I don't deserve

I own this mess but can't clean it up

Everyday gets harder, pain hasn't subsided.

I feel this sickness might be terminal, 

no therapy, no medications in sight

I sit alone again tonight.

Thoughts of despair and hopelessness

Looking back on where I've been

It's not a good place to go again

So cry me a river I weep tonight

For what I have done will never fade away

I sabotaged my happiness

for useless bouts of emptiness

the pain I've given I feel it too

my weakness that I shared with you

In moving forward I see brick walls

no future, no smiles  just remorseful regrets

I pray for you to come back to me

When I should pray for your freedom to be happy