I Miss You

 I just can't get her out of my head

I don't want too either

Let me dwell on the love I lost

Such a meaningless way to end your life

I'm not dead yet

But I just as well should be

Losing my will to see beyond my mistakes

Forever to dwell until the new day

I can't look back too far it hurts too much

I can't go to my favorite places

She was sitting there next to me

A bad dream of a great memory

I still see that face, those gestures

I can hear the laughs but also the cries

She took care of me when I crashed my bike

She took care of me when I ruined her life

There's nothing I could ever say

To make her pains subside

I wonder if she thinks of me

Or even cares if I'm alive?

I'm beyond sorry for disappointing you

My kids and the life I threw away

I want that chance before I die

To sit with you and look you in the eye

I miss everything about our journey

Our plans to see it through

I'm retiring and was going to wait for you

Now I don't know what I'll do

It's so hard to travel that road alone

We were friends, fell in love and married one day

The world collapsed and anger and bitterness ensued

I would love to start a fresh, productive a new memory soon

Incomplete

 I know I'm my biggest critic

Harshest and honest critic

Looking back on my life's work

Of course I see the faults

I look at how I've treated people

How I could have been better

From Parenting to Marital attempts

What will my grandchildren remember the most?

I've made 2 attempts at marriage

Each one failed for their own reasons

I was a terrible husband on both accounts

I didn't see it all back then

Being a father at a relatively young age

I wasn't prepared for the task at hand

I've learned that yesterday's apathy

Are the reasons for today's therapy sessions

I thought I knew how to love

Instead I tried to teach

Lessons of right from wrong

When all that was needed was a big hug

I don't have many friends

The best ones are sparse at best

I don't go out of my way to keep in touch

But we know where each other are

It seems I'm good at breaking hearts and promises

The Golden Rule should be applied right here

I have forgotten my place in this world

But have done thing I'll never forget

I have looked at my life with honest eyes

So much failure and compromise

Spent so much of my life objectifying

It cost me everything I've loved

I never got to say goodbye to my kids

I never said goodbye to my wife

I only said hello to a new life

That I still don't understand

So I was a terrible Husband and Father

Not much of a friend 

MY grandkids may see it differently

How could I be so bad at so many things

Shut Up And Listen

 Growing up I would always listen

To every conversation absorbing like a sponge

I was enamored with words and gestures

People talking with their hands

I watched and I learned how people communicated

Telling their story as if it really mattered

Sometimes the words were in Spanish

But I would follow the quirky gestures

In all this time I too have been observed

By my family friends and children

I wonder if they learned anything

From my self-serving banter

I wonder if I've left anything tangible

That they can take with them as a learning lesson

I have instructed ,directed and made my opinions heard

But was there anything constructive that was said

I feel I have nothing to pass along

A lesson that was learned

A quality that was admired

Did they leave the room when I appeared

I've always had that ability to speak my mind

Always very proud of what was said

In looking back I shake my head

I really had nothing to say

Maybe I should have listened more 

you learn so much when you do

It's like talking during the movie

Nobody is there to listen to you

A Cry That Kills

 I recall one time in grade school

School had ended and kids were running home

I was walking home with a friend

I saw a classmate of mine trip and fall very hard

She sat there on the sidewalk wailing at the top of her lungs

Blood on her knees and on her flowery dress

I remember that day, that cry, the plea for help

I stood there and watched her pain and it hurt me

To this day when a child cries I cry inside too

My empathetic heart has had capabilities

To care and to make their pain go away

Why didn't I respond 15 years ago

My God I heard that cry and scream again

My wife, my wonderful wife flailing on our bed

I broke her heart and I tried to comfort her

Not knowing what to say or how to help

I stood silently and the wailing continued

I froze up and couldn't tell her it was ok

I still think about that night

But yet I did it to her again

I tried to figure out why she hasn't spoken to me 

Over 10 months and a silent reception

My first wife broke my heart

And I wanted to end her

I heard a little girl cry today

My heart unloaded and took me back

My bedroom with my wife curled up

Please make those cries go away

Now that the crying has stopped I want to feel again

I want to hear that voice, see those expressions

Ask her how she is doing inside

And hug her with all of the life I have left in my body

I miss you

I look for you when I'm out driving

I hope you answer my calls one day

I'd love to hear your voice

My Dull Rock

 There's a hammer in my heart

It's not breaking me in two

It's not mending its' fractured shell

It's something there to remind me

When life seems good

You have it all and use it all

But it's not enough

Where can I find me more

There's a diamond rattling in my shoes

It's a diamond but it hurts like hell

So I toss this precious stone by the wayside

I'll find another that I like better

In my search I've found nothing at all

But the reality that I may have made a grave mistake

With all of my resilience and confidence

I look for a stone which shines brighter than before

When reality slaps me in the face

I try to slap it back

The invisible man of wishful thinking

Is flailing in the dark

I've realized there are no more stones

No more diamonds in the rough

I can walk away from a beacon of brightness

And play with the dull rocks at the side of the road

Free From Me

 I'm not angry at the people I've loved

I'm not sad that they stopped loving me

When they yell Bomb ,you run

So they ran to a better place

I feel a sense of calm in my personal storm

I loved so much but never loved myself enough

There is a sense of tranquility 

Knowing that the ones I've loved are better now

I have never complained

I have never placed blame

All fingers were directed at me

I manned up and took one in the Balls

I will say the past few years have been difficult

The past 10 months have brought me much pain

Yet there is a sense of freedom 

Freedom from the worry of hurting and disappointing ever again

Rather than trying to offer up reasons

I have no excuses to go with my lack of reasoning

I have learned more about myself during this time

I know people are better off without me

I hear and song lyric

"Whenever you're on my mind"

I smile and know we loved this song

I don't run from memories I embrace them

I may be a bit somber

But I'm a better person now

A prisoner locked up 

Can never hurt another again

So when my messages go unanswered

I know one day you will answer 

Life is the way it should be

No worries no hurries just free from me

The End Brings Perfection

 I'm very bitter

Despondent in regards to the big picture

I don't fear the end result

I embrace it with both arms

I tasted the end result

It's in the air I can smell it

There's nothing wrong with feeling bad

It's the new norm like a cup of coffee

I've driven the roads to euphoria

I've crashed and burned from inside out

I've pissed blood and shit my pants

I was ready to go right then

I've been spared

Somebody once cared

My well being was so damn important

You got the House, the friends and the Dog

I'm not mad about that

My gift to you for fucking up your day

My gift to myself for fucking up my life

Too late It's already done

People can walk on by a man in the fetal position

Beaten and tattered and nobody checks on him

He's bleeding internally, he's wailing aloud

Everybody back to work nothing important here

I can say humanity has surprised me

They see me coming and they open all doors

They see me stumbling along behind my Walker

They rush to make sure I never open another door

The Gods, Karma and stars align

One day I walk and open my own doors again

I see my boy and my little ones

Pops and Papa G is paid his due and respects

I'm gone for good 

Never got to say goodbye or even hello

I'm a better man, a free man

I will never make another mistake

I'm Different

 I never know what the score is

Am I still losing ?is it over yet?

Will it ever end

The self doubt and negativity

I'm surrounded with love

I'm needed by those who matter most

I'm relevant on so many fronts

I look in the mirror and see wasted space

The man in the mirror tells no lies

The man in the mirror lived no truths

I can't get it out of my head

Destroying the world I had in my hands

I see troubles, I see patterns

None of which I investigated thoroughly

Status quo become broken dreams

With broken hearts strewn everywhere

If I could have changed what I needed to change

Would my life be any different

I'd still be looking for the fancy 2 wheels 

Now I push 4 plastic wheels everywhere I go

I've made mistakes, so many fucking mistakes

All seemingly equally as horrible as the next

All the way back to 2 marriages ago

I was flawed and ruined before I ever go to number two

As with everything I've said and done

I take ownership and not too proud

I will never run away from what I've done

Especially when God and Karma seem to be teaming up

I say forgive me, I ask why not

I've forgiven those who hurt me before

The winds of change blow away my clouds

The sun will burn me as I stand in place

I ask for forgiveness

But don't expect much in return

The pattern and playbook set long before I came along

Some people follow all the rules

People have come and left my life

People have been good to me

People keep telling me I'm such a good man

My qualities don't float and sink to the bottom

I can sell you a list of dirty laundry

I can buy myself a temporary solution

Give it a year I'll tire from it all

And replace with something brand new

Tomorrow brings a new shot at getting it right

New things, old problems same coping incompetence

I hear lines from a movie

You've made no progress

I'm the same infant child I was 61 years ago

I don't know anything worthwhile I can pass along

Only age without wisdom

The bad taste I leave in peoples' lives

I don't have a closing line

I don't know what's right from wrong

I've only done what felt good for now  

Reprocutions have no meaning in my world

I have nothing left to say

No more pleas to be understood

I couldn't explain my life in a million words

I don't feel the need to try

So Condemn me for being an asshole

Hate me for breaking your heart

I have had more taken away from me

Than I could have ever given in many lifetimes

I made the fatal mistake of trying to be good

So much perfection surrounded me

I was doomed to fail and proved that fact

Every day of my life

Failure is a harsh and biting word

Living that life has not been easy

Being a fuck up is all I recognize

It's who I really am

I quit when I should fight

I fight when its all over and done

I care when I shouldn't give 2 fucks

So I'll take one back and say Fuck You! if it applies

This IS How I Feel

 When I feel a thousand nails in my legs

The feeling of slipped discs and spurs lighting up like Christmas day

what I can feel in my feet hurts like hell

I can't turn my head my neck it's frozen shut

When I'm so weak It hurts to get up

When I'm finally up I can barely walk

Each calculated step thought through carefully

I'd hate to fall I can't get up

When a walk to the car is a marathon

The walk from the car to wherever I go scares me

Each day the Roulette of  trips to nowhere meaningful

Leave me with too many questions to answer

I'm tired and defeated

Secluded and in the dark

Too much pain inside and out

This is what I feel

Nothing Left But The End

 I've been fighting real hard

Healing emotionally and physically

Emotionally I don't give a shit

Physically I've given up

There is no purpose in a meaningless life

There are no reasons to fight anymore

I don't love myself or much else

I'm taking up space which can be better used

I was telling someone 

I've been dead for 4 years now

Sounds about right

I've lost my energy to live like this

I prayed last night for a heart attack

It never came so here I am 

I went to the gym today for whatever reason

I won't be around much longer what's the use

I've asked for forgiveness 

That's never going to happen

I've forgiven myself 

And I will forget about the rest

My bike crash should have killed me then

It fucking didn't and here everyone suffers

That truck tire I Rolled underneath 

Should have ended me then it's just my luck

'When I die I don't want to go heaven

I doubt I really have that choice

Lets get this shit over with

So I can leave my son everything I have

Hunter

 Hunter the bunter

Energetic fun loving little boy

Polar opposite of Aubrey

He wasnt' as affectionate or as loving

He could run all day

Papa could never chase him

He made me angry with his behavior

But he made me laugh because he is fun

I know he's like his father

self-absorbed and arrogant

He's only 8 there's a chance he grows 

Into the fine man his Father Ty has become

I miss my Hunter, not like I do Aubrey

But his magnetic and at times annoying personality

Make me feel like there's a void in my heart

I miss his little smile and attitude

Hunter I know will do something big

I wish I was there to see it all

My hopes are to hold them both

Aubrey, Hunter and Papa eating a good cheeseburger together

Aubrey

 I won't Lie , My Aubrey is special

She was my first grandchild 

My precious little Aubrey

Such a joy to look at and hold

My baby girl would laugh with me

Cry with me and make me cry

I can't watch a child cry

It hurts me so much so I cry too

Aubrey's nickname is Aubie Cake

Her first visit to a local deli

Their rotating Cake display at the entryway

She saw one and pointed and said Aubie Cake

I held her and squeezed her and never called her Aubrey again

My little girl was three years old then

She is 12 today and growing into her own

I am missing that growth

Taking Aubrey away from me is taking a part of my soul

Papa did a horrible thing

I'm being punished for something that doesn't involve Aubrey

But parents will protect their kids how they see fit

Losing my Terria was hard enough

Losing my Aubie Cake is too hard to take

I miss her hugs and pinching her cheeks

I called her cheeks biscuits,  they were so fluffy

Papa loves her so much

Papa should have protected his pot of gold

Now I sit here wondering to myself

Will they ever let me see my baby again

Aubrey ,Papa sends his tight hugs and kisses

My love will never fade away even if I don't get to see you

I just want you to be the best that you can

Papa is very sad but very proud of his Aubie Cake

Tuned Out

 Anybody who knows me well

Will know music is my refuge

I don't play music

I just have an eclectic collection and taste

Music has taken on many meanings today

I've shared my music with both of my spouses

They seemed to enjoy my tastes

With this love comes memories

Many songs I can't play anymore

For spouse #1 Tracy

Joe Jackson's " the other me"

Was a song I could not listen to without sobbing

Added to that list is one more former spouse #2 Terria

Perhaps a dozen songs that I can no longer play

Throw out Style council and Theory of a Deadman

These songs take me to places that were happy, now abandoned warehouses in my head

The fact that i shared many of the same songs with both 

Makes my double failure that much more poignant 

I stopped finding new music around 2012

Nothing new is worth my efforts

Do i play my old songs 

Runaway from a few

Hold onto memories just take away the song

A stretch of highway or a favorite restaurant?

I'm conflicted in my choices

The bad one's I've made

The songs and eateries I can't be a part of

Waiting for a call? But I have a good friend

Talk To Me Please

 A simple gesture is all I ask

 How are you doing

 go fuck yourself

Not much to ask at all

I ask myself why this is so

I can't calm your anger or disgust

I have no idea what I need to do

Should I stay or should I go

I've been all over the map here

Solving pains with a broken heart

I can't really say what I'd say to you

Your disgusted look will break my soul

I can't drive by the house

I fear I'll stop and not want to leave

I stay away from my old house

But I can't hide the way I feel

If I saw you today I'd ask for a hug

A regrettable way to say I'm sorry

you'll never look at me the same way again

I'll never forget the first time I saw you

The Sun Doesn't Shine (It's Dark)

 Today is a very somber day for me

I hear the problems of others, and it takes me to my own

I hold on and fear I'll never let go

Only death allows me freedom from this hell

I hurt inside and out

The body pains I can deal with that

My emotional plight

Takes me to the darkest places that seem so far from here

It's dark inside, there is no light

I fear my life is over

But for some fucked up reasons

I live to fight another day

Another day is here 

I'm as lost as I was yesterday

Does tomorrow come with high hopes

More disappointment that I may not be prepared

My eyes are watered and swollen

MY heart is cracked and dry

My soul has abandoned me years ago

I'm a heartless man without a soul

I pray, I pray and pray some more

For the first time in my life I don't pray for myself

I think of my lost ones',wife,kids, grandkids

And don't deserve them at all

I've beaten myself up, kicked my own ass

It's redundant, tiresome and I refuse to continue

With each thought comes a negative answer

Each breath brings me closer to the fork in the road

When is it time to fight this fight

Where do I go when I lose again

In suspension and losing my wits

Purgatory for the losers in life

Which way should I jump

Into a river that flows away

Off the bridge to a concrete jungle

I won't trouble the lord he has better people to save

Yes it's dark and very painful

I miss my boys I hardly know

I miss the life I used to know

But none of it was real to me

I always wanted more than I had

Greener grass or Septic gardens

No appreciation for the greedy soul

Try living on the poor side of town you Fucking Fool

I've Lost

 I can't even begin to describe my loss

I can't even try to tell you my pain

The loss and pain over again

Daily reminders of where I had been

I reach out but you're not there

I assume you no longer  care

I remind myself I'm to blame

It should be a different tune I'm playing in my head

I miss the sounds and names we made up

The anticipation of your arrival

I see you walking through the door

Those days aren't coming back anymore

I miss the wild rides along the coast

The conversations that I loved the most

Sharing thoughts and sharing dreams

Our children playing and happy screams

Thinking about the home I was born into

So many thoughts of my mom and dad

My siblings and the family dog

You now own our house and my little Drew Dog

They say forgiveness can be a timeless thing

Setting me free and the joy it would bring

You're still angry I get it, I do

My world seems empty when there's no YOU!

I live with my choices and my regrets

My sun still rises but never sets

I'm awake all night with thoughts and remorse

Infidelity and a painful divorce

I miss the love you gave to me

The world was mine for all to see 

Life lost it's innocence and became really dark

I'm a soul less man living in some park

The trips, the drives the nightly talks

Have become writing in a journal and feeling really small

I shed my armor and show my hand

I'm a cripple now trudging through the sand

Why do I feel I deserve this plight

I'm ok with it because its just and seems right

Punishments for years of being an asshole

I told you so, I told you so!

I've lost most everything that matters

Our dreams are lost as we find a new way

To my little ones who never said goodbye

Your PAPA says sorry but I tried really tried

To everything I have lost

To Everything I miss

I will leave my mark in all of the wrong ways

I will always try to be "The OTHER ME"

Answers

 So many questions still unanswered

My patience is dying a very quick death

My health, my state of mind

Are so far from being healthy

My amazing Cardiologist gives me reasons to hope

I won't die from my heart tomorrow

My Neurosurgeon tells me nothing yet

So I stumble and fumble to walk

Certain days I'm over it

Other times I want to quit

I've missed 2 days from the gym

I'm feeling guilty and out of sorts

A break in routine throws me off

I do what I do how I think it should be done

Sometimes the mind and body

Don't speak the same language

The waiting game for some sort of answer

Why am I feeling this way and what is the cause

Is there are cure for my weakening stride

The bathroom seems so far away

It has changed my life and the way I live

I don't go out much it's too hard to get around

My mobility has gotten worse

My will to carry on this way is nearing its end

I want to know what

And I want to know why

I need to know How

I needs answers before I go crazy

Let US Pray

I thought I had something to talk about tonight

I've lost my train of thought and my interest

More important things going on right now

So I pray for the Mccarthy family tonight

On That Day

 When a friend of mine sends me bible verses

Am I really that damaged 

Do we have a thumper amongst us

Where did that come from

Yes I've made some serious mistakes

And have asked for forgiveness from my God

I'm not religious but have read the Bible many time 

Hoping for a better interpretation that I understand

I'm not a religious person but very spiritually in tuned 

I see the good in everything until proven otherwise

I do my best not to judge, asking for forgiveness when I do

After reading the  Bible so many times, I end up with the Golden rule

I can't quote much scripture but I can tell you right from wrong

I won't tell  you how to live your life, I'm No Republican

I can only try to be a good person limiting my mistakes

I have made too many and still ask to be forgiven

In the end when they tally up the score

No one, not myself or their opinion will matter

We are chosen by a higher being and a much higher standard

I believe most of us greedy, lying cheaters will probably end up in Hell. if not here already

The Way It Is

 My resilience is wearing thin

Given in to my my limitations

I realize that the end comes soon

There is nothing I can do

The ending has its' own timeframe

I'm not in a hurry but not afraid

When the Doctor says you'll be alright

You're full of shit now fix my broken body

I somehow find the will to carry on

I find my way to the gym

I struggle get from the car to my first set

I struggle getting to my next machine

This struggle gives me so much joy

I punish myself because I've treated myself before

Overindulgence of the good and the bad

I've reaped the benefits and drawbacks and pay the price today

I've lost my love and I've lost my life

I found my family so very close by

I've realized that the mistakes I've made

Have set her free to live a better life

A life which we planned to die together

A dream broken by a broken man

I'm not proud of my choices but I own them all

And I live in this reality of loss and sadness

In looking forward I can't see too much

The questions asked have yet to be answered

Will I walk again or live with a 4 wheeled friend?

I will die trying and do my part 

It's A Struggle

 It's been too long since I've enjoyed the simple things

I'm too focused on the pains and aches of life and body

The daily struggles to get around are just that 

Struggles that I am very tired of dealing with

People say that adversity can build character

Well I must be an academy award winning Mother fucker

It hurts so much to remember the past

When I couldn't sit still and was riding, running and carrying a bat or a racket

Now I try to get out a do my picture taking

Photography is a relatively new found joy

Mobility is required to do it well

I'll settle for ok on a Cadillac Walker

Still waiting on a call from my lost friend

The call I don't expect to come

But I hope and wait nonetheless

What else do I have to do today

Life's mistakes are what they are

I can't go back a rewrite was has been scripted

So today I workaround and get around the reality and pain

And physically deal with my own 

I've been given so many gifts in my life

Wonderful loves and amazing family support

I will never complain for the life I've lived so far

When my time comes I simply say thank you!

Paralysis

 Everything in my body is numb

The only thing I can feel are hallucinations at night

I can't sleep , I can't dream

I can only think of everything I've lost

My body has left me 

My mind is lost

The days are shorter and nights are forever

Sometimes I don't want to be here anymore

This must be what purgatory feels like

Right before I go to hell

I've been dead for awhile now

My body just won't cooperate

I'm alone in my mind

Thoughts too negative to share 

So I hold my ground and await 

Whatever my dreary future will bring

I don't miss the misery I've created

I live with it everyday

I cope and hope for simple things

A bathroom visit that comes on time

My memories don't matter much anymore

I have forgotten what made me happy

It's quite alright I'm where I am

Punishments for crimes committed

What Is Next

 I wait for answers that may not come

Another Doctor appointment 

More questions to be asked

So an impatient man waits and waits

The unknown all too common

Wandering through the days waiting for a call

Good news? Bad news or just another unanswered call

The wait is killing me inside

Moving forward with my life

Looking forward still peaking back

Waiting for that phone to ring

But it's from Scam Likely 

I expect too much

I don't realize what I've done

I would have received a call by now 

If I had murdered someone instead of cheating 

The pity parties are long over

The healing has been slow 

I'm a cripple in my body and soul

I've ditched my crutch for a 4 wheeled friend

Closure for me is a call,a text ,a letter in the mail 

The doors of my pain are wide open 

Where all I have left is unrealistic hoping

And the power to do nothing but wait

My New Friend

 I met a new friend here recently

Not a new one in the true sense of the word

But a friend from days gone by

Where mistakes were made and forgiveness was granted

More than a friend but my partner

From a previous marriage we drifted for years

Our boys brought us back together

Now we worry in unison and try to help 

We stand back when we want to jump in

We are on standby to help where needed

my friend and I we talk for hours

Our 3 little boys that we can't get enough

We talk about the boys

 We share our ailments and injuries

Older bodies falling apart

We're not that old what the fuck!

It's really nice to have a sounding board

A familiar soul to understand the past

A person who help us plan our boys future

Just a good outlet to share a thought

Troubled times are in our past

We are sometimes reminded and it still hurts

Remnants of damage left behind 

we're ok but not everyone escaped scott free

I thank you friend for allowing me to speak

I can now hear you and listen well

so much is changing before our eyes

We'll continue to communicate for the first time

Black Out

 There's a text or an email coming your way

I hope you get it, I hope you read it.

More so I hope you respond

But I know it goes on empty eyes

You want me to leave you alone

I have tried so hard to give you time and space

Many months have gone on by

How much time and space will you need

I'm not asking for much

A hello would mean the world to me

Crickets and an empty page or response

I wonder what you're thinking

Forgiveness is a painful choice

Pain and sorrow get in the way

Is there something that could be said or done?

I'm alive but so very much dead to you

When you love you love unconditionally

We hope to never disappoint 

The realities of a flawed man

Too many to be considered for pardon

I reach out and nothing is there

I've asked to be heard but no one is listening

When does this Black out see the light

When a person try to do what's right

You've shut me down and turned me off

I don't exist and how can that be

I wait for the lights to be turned back on

This Black out is painful and the doors are all closed

Tomorrow I send you a message

Tomorrow I get no response

Each time I try to communicate

I  anxiously wait for your response