Trust is a 5 Letter word

Not feeling very good today, had a really rough night of anger and disappointment on so many fronts i wouldn't know where to start or end it all! Sorry to hear the ducks lost last night ,i watched the last 2 minutes  which was apparently is all i had to watch , again another important game comes down to a few missed tackles and the ubiquitous Field goal kicker. to me that;s like winning the world series on a bunt single...pussy shit ! Anyway , back to my poor disposition and anger issues, I don't truly know where to begin, other than trust is a mother fucker and it's always rearing it's fucked up head  and i don't deal with it very well. Terria has the heart of gold and is the perfect human being, maybe too good and much too perfect for my ignorant ass but mine nonetheless, for that i am very grateful and proud to be a part of. After hurting so many this past spring i took on a new challenge for myself and for my marriage, went outside the box and outside my comfort zones to heal and deal with the old Greg who had the issues that were standing in my way for success. through the therapy of Michael I can see things about me that will forever be engrained in my head, to know why I am doing something, or why I just reacted a certain way means a lot to me , it shows me to think before i act and when i don't i can see what i have done and why i did it. To me it's like the Baseball swing, drop the hands or back shoulder and you pop the ball up weakly and know why, well in life sometimes you get another at bat and sometimes you don't. since I had made my detour this past spring I have always been coming up wit 2 outs and nobody on, seems like the whole trust and belief issue seems to rear it's ugly head and I don't like it at all. Maybe terria has a reason to feel this way and if so should probably not be with me or anybody that requires sleeping with one eye open. I hate to hurt and i hate to be doubted but it happens and when it does I lose it, lose it badly . Funny how technology is the greatest thing at times and then it's the root of all evil, a text message , an email or a phone call seem so harmless to most but every one i send or receive has taken on a new meaning since March 2010, i get it , but I don't like it, and if it were me I would walk the fuck away and leave the distrust by the wayside, I guess for that i must commend Terria for being so loving and giving of her forgiveness and strength to stand by her mistake riddled husband who seemingly just trudges along and does it all wrong and really sucks when all of my friends are female, especially the ones that i communicate with at work, and in the building I have others i communicate with and do so frequently, not like I'm too busy. but apparently Terria sees a familiar pattern of days gone by that just aren't supposed to happen. Come to find out that the text conversation which  was an all day long drawn out almost boring drab text was from an unfamiliar # which i now see is from a Girl i call OOMPAH, very weird and has special needs kids but i always try to be nice to her and feel really sorry for her and have food around when she brings her kids in every other Friday for therapy in the Family services Dept next door to us, she's a really ,really strange girl  that I've known and worked with indirectly for 13 years and I know she just got a new phone with text capablilties and a camera So i texted her a good morning Monday greeting and it ended up sporadically lasting all day with nothing in particular being discussed just boring drivel, she's claims to be very religious so i can't even be rude or vulgar because she gets offended which is usually why i try to avoid this person at all cost and was seriously only wondering how she was liking the new technology of her new phone. I had confused this conversation for an elongated email conversation i had with a gal down the hall who shares the same birthday that i do and we are decent friends. so while my wife was questioning the conversation which spanned from 8 am to 4 -ish,which was a totally different conversation held by work email, very confusing but nonetheless the trust issues reared it's nastiness and i don't blame her , but then again i don't like being questioned when there is nothing to question. But I'm not the one who was deceived 9 months ago and i try to be open to it all , i'm wired differently and she shared her fears and I shared my displeasure, all was good in the end but i hate the fact that i cannot take a message or a text without that fear in my heart that  she might have the slightest perception of something irregular going on. Trust is a very fickle mother fucker, it takes a lifetime to get it and a nano second to lose it. Sorry for the confusion on my part, the reaction is not paranoia it's just me feeling impinged a bit and i understand it all just don't like it too much . I do try to put the shoe on the other foot and have been there before with my ex wife and know it's a crazy eerie feeling to not trust or believe in somebody. but we are strong and this misunderstanding is all part of the growth i know and will do my part to take those doubts away from her forevermore. I love you terria and this process is time based and time induced, we will get there i know but the communication must continue to grow so that we may follow suit! Good times! Damn i feel better already. i actually still have the text on my phone and would be willing to show it to My wife if it would put her mind at ease!