Looking back for a forward glance

I'm feeling a little retrospective today and feeling a bit of a disconnect with today. Back at work and not much going on here but the usual monotony of a day with nothing to do and all day to do it. i will not complain and will not bitch about this incredible work space i occupy at all, don't get me wrong! It was a somewhat interesting weekend, Friday knee scoped, Saturday and Sunday gym and golf balls with terria and the rest of the weekend was on the road to Anaheim hills for the tastiest burger i ever tasted and so worth the trip. Feel like so much has happened to include my mom falling on her face this weekend , the same day of the anniversary of my dads passing so being in the hospital with her was a grim reminder of that moment when my dad died on us all and brought back some interesting images of a boy needing to grow up. Well now that I'm grown up i don't really feel like i have to the full extent, my biggest fear is to get old, and feel old and act old like some of the people in my life who i see just mere shadows of the people that they used to be. But the fears i have are so much more vivid for me, the k nee surgery was a step for me to re-enact some youthful joys and be more active and do things i used to do on a daily basis without incident. So i come the the realization that the world i know is totally different than the one i projected years ago, never dreaming of things and stuff or the mansion on the hills that was never me, but i always liked nice stuff and always have had stuff. Far be it from the substance that my life was obviously missing i grow to see a clearer view of all that is important and everything that really matters. Spirituality,Love, health and family are all that ever matters in life, the things i have could be gone tomorrow and I'd be ok with it all, we have family to help us through anything and the faith we have puts us there everyday. I was thinking of writing some poetry as i started this Post and it just didn't come to me, i miss that portion of my expressions and have not been very poetic here in a while and wonder why. i am a better writer when I'm angry or sad , or even when I'm disappointed with myself or somebody else. Seems like it's harder for me to formulate and express myself when things are going too smoothly and for this I much watch out for the self -sabotage bomb that is always around the corner and looking for a free ride upon the Gregasaurus express. But these days i see where it all comes from, i can see things over the horizon before they even get near enough to do myself any harm. I'm no different a person just a wiser ,more alert soul who doesn't always have the answers and Is not afraid to say so anymore  for the fears of looking like a dumbass far trump the actualities of being a dumbass. Funny how i grow in my own ways emotionally, raising myself emotionally as a young man and showing myself my own  moral compass has been the best and worst things that I could bestow upon myself , trying to reach around myself to slap myself is a hard thing to do, and for whatever reason I always feel like i do not deserve this life i lead, this is a constant topic in therapy and must go away for further growth to occur. I see so much today that i was never able to perceive as growth or a good thing in my life, i look back to mistakes made and corrections and deflections of every type of spin on the mind and life that a person could ever imagine, some real and some created in that whirlwind mind of mine. So here i am at work thinking of ways to keep myself occupied emotionally, mentally trying to stimulate myself and keep the world around me positive, not always easy when the world where i live can be a very bitter place to be, so much negativity here at work, nobody has their shit together and seems sad to me at times for some to be so fucked up. But my days of saving the world and changing the globes axis are done. i fend for the family and self and hope that the rest can get it right on their own. I feel the goodness that the world has to give but it just seems to disappoint more these days. Truly explains why my world has become such a small place these and so much more asy to manage. don't really know, just enjoying the way things are and the things that I can control with my own 2 hands, one heart and big assed mind! Good Tuesday to my Friends and all is good in saurusland. Maybe some poetic injustice later on today