Reflect to Deflect

I was reading some old posts of mine this morning, it was very alarming for me to see the state i was in. The anger and resentment towards all was almost astonishing to me, i cannot believe I was in that state of disarray. I know i use my writing as a vehicle to drive my emotions to the right place and vent the over heating of my soulful Radiator, but at times i feel a sense of helplessness in finding that inner sanctity to act and react properly! I have sorted out alot of things in my life, the hardest thing for me at times is always looking back and lamenting on things that cannot be redirected or changed. I have actually come to grips with alot of the things that made me angry, sad and outright ashamed of being Greg Duran, but now i move forward by going backwards in time and read some Blog posts of mine. i actually wrote that i would hope to be able to stay in contact with the person that helped me bring so much pain and anguish to so many people, but realizing that the pains had to stop and the communication had to stop altogether. But moving beyond all of that I actually care too much for too many people ,things and situations that i should not really be concerned with. Focusing in on my life and repairing a perfect marriage that i tried to give away and was miraculously taken back and given the opportunity to find and correct some of my deepest flaws, some of which are not even within my control, but more so in my upbringing that therapy has enabled me to bring to light and see them ever so clearly. I wish all that have touched my life past and present the best and assume that reparations are in order all around where necessary. I cannot, or will not ever put my life into turmoil ever again or give my wife the inkling that i am looking for anything other than her love. When i hit that light switch on June 3 ,3:45 pm It was just that, it was the off switch to a new life for me , which at the time i thought would be alone. But our God works magic and worked a miracle with Greg Duran that day and allowed a troubled man to find the solace in his life, his loving Terria to accept his flaws and work through them together. we both found out why I did what I did and I understand and she accepts the reasoning for my temporary departure away from US!. I look at my wife the same way i always have, as the treasure that she is and always has been, the most honest and sincere person i have ever met and the most incredible love and human being I will even come across, the reasons for my looking back are sometimes what Therapist call "my negativity Grab Bag" this time i catch myself and remove myself and that hand from grabbing into that bag. so for today i looked back to assume the responsibility or fucking up and rising above it all. I hate the fact that Terria is now more cautious as ever and the trust has not been rebuilt to where it once was. I cannot speak for anybody but myself but the guilt and pains have not totally eluded me, even though we have grown as a couple and as individuals i always want more, to want and need are the issues I face daily. i want more of the things that i already have, the love, the time to do so the latitude to be Greg again and i have taken part of this away from terria by not being able to be trusted as I once was. But I know that time and efforts have paid off and will continue to do so. I just hate the fact that I'm not there with her yet, the trust and pains that i have created have made me angry at time, yet i have grown and forgiven myself. But never being content with what i am and who i am always look to navigate personally to calmer ,cleaner waters I digress at times in my pity party ways and become human at times and realize that I am flawed and i am a person in need of the help i am utilizing through Dr. Michael Morales. I have so much that God has given me, the family, the wife the intelligence and the ability to do whatever i need to do to survive and thrive in a world that is cold and cruel to the weak. I write to express and to explore my deeper Greg which at times is very dark and very cold. but i also write to share my joys and my love of life and my love of my God who through my spiritual Guru Frank Schaeffer has allowed me to see the forest through the trees so to speak. i am blessed in every aspect in my life yet I am self sabotaging myself in being my worst critic and my worst enemy. for this i refer to my therapy and know that it is in my hands and it will fix itself If i make the needed efforts to do so. I have removed myself from my past efforts and look forward to the new efforts of Goodness ,honesty and communicating each of them to my terria and dispel those doubts that she may still have about my infidelity and my departure away from the Greg Duran she knew before. I am human, i have made mistakes and will from here on be a positive force in my own life and make all the necessary changes to become that Greg that I always aspired to be and thought i was ,yet had no idea of the self sabotaging that I did to myself, and had been doing long before Spring 2010. so my apologies to my wife and my heartfelt word to her that my efforts will be positive steps to getting back to that Rock and Pillar and relieve her of those duties that she has maintained since May 3, when she held me up while trying not to fall down herself. very trying times and what a place we are at relative to where we were. So I move forward in all of my goodness and work at being a better person to all concerned, this is my life to own and win back, so i shall do so. Thanking God for the Opportunity to make it right, and be alright.