The Grab Bag

Rediscovery can sometimes be my best friend or my biggest adversary, At times i go with life's flow and seem so content with it all, then it hits me, Am I deserving of this life, this wonderful life that people work their entire lives to obtain? At times I wonder , my actions prove my points . I Crushed myself awhile back with bad decisions, that getting too close was a bad thing, for the best thing in my life i was ready to unload, yet i sit here today wondering do I really deserve this life? Talking to My wife last night about the trial and tribulations of Being Greg, the thoughts and mind works so mysteriously and at time frightens even me! We talked and talked about days gone by and what the experience had taught me ,if anything at all. I always say to myself that anything be it good or bad is worthwhile, it means we learn a little more each day about ourselves and about others and life in general is a classroom attended on a daily basis. Seems like I've been absent at times and have some catching up to do. So the past is done and I ignore its ugly head and chop off the thoughts of ever doing it again and always wonder when the next test will be and when i approach this monstrous atrocity of righteousness versus being a knucklehead again! I have grasped on to the therapy and believe the valid points being made, my relationships of my past do tell me that the Issues are a grand piece of work that 47 years of efforts must be reversed and made to order for a new order is coming and i feel the goodness within myself to do , and to be the man that i promised my T and myself to be. My humor, my personality of magnetism are just that, and can attract the wrong elements and wrong ideas ,i have to process my energies and be able to fight through the devil on my shoulder and seek out the angel by my side. I have so many things to do with my life and have done fairly well so far, i miss my old crew of friends from riding Motorcycles and hanging in the immaculate garage of Chris Pfeifer and laughing til it hurt, i miss Prozac and all of his wisdom and i miss the Brothers Estrada for their unique take on life and another approach to dealing with things. I miss my motorcycle alot, i miss the actual thrill of 2 hours of freedom from being responsible to anybody but my own safety and mortality, my accident was in fact a good thing, made me realize that i am not bigger than the roads which are not always paved smoothly for me, This is in fact a mirror image of my life for their is no blue print to have the perfect life, or the perfect way of dealing with what i have in life, which is in fact as close to being perfect as a human can get but yet i stretch out and try for yet more than is humanely possible. One day ! One day soon i will figure out how to be back on a bike, on a road and on a path to where i need to be emotionally. so as i struggle to find ME, I appreciate all that i know about my life and all that are in my life and i can only hope the continued growth towards a happier ,more productive Greg and an even better ,more productive relationship with all of those in my life, Good times ahead and alot of work to be one to get there. So I reach for that Grab bag of stupidity and pain and try to throw it in the Ocean for the final time.Thank you Terria Lynn Duran for being there for me and for listening to my story! you are a Blessing and you are the Foundation for a better stronger, healthier Greg