Lazy Boy ::: Underwear Goes Inside The Pants

I pay Tribute to my Comedic Genius friend Greg Giraldo, his comedy is amazing.This is by far my favorite piece of his from his LazyBoy CD. RIP My man ,another great comedian leaves us way too early,Prescription overdose! Dammit

A road to new Freedoms

Today I embark on a onetime frightening journey of seeing the orthopedic Dr. Since that day that i blew out what i though was my good knee i told myself that it is time to fix em both and move forward and start living a better pain free life and quit being the tough guy and enjoying the pain. So Dr. O'Halloran will see me today, i feel good about him , he is the best Ortho in the area and did My sweeties Shoulder and rotor cuff surgeries last year with much success. So today is the beginning of a more certain future for me and I do look forward to recovery and the hopes to play my Tennis again, Baseball and Basketball, joggin on the beach like i used to and able to walk or run anywhere pain free and carefree. Thank God for being able to workout and stay strong, otherwise i'd be a mess. so i am putting all former reservations aide and look onward to the goal of health and freedom to walk and run as i please , pain free and footloose again. I don't or wont know how much recovery, how soon he will be able to do the opposite knee and what the prognosis are until he gets in there and seeks and destroys whatever it is that makes me hurt. So again i put my terria in the nursemaid role and she assures me that this is a good thing , knowing that I will be free from pain and able to live a more fruitful everyday makes her look forward to helping me get around. So i have high hopes and expectations and feel good about the entire process. just wished it wouldn't have taken a second bad knee to take care of this. anyway feeling good about it all and staying positive for a quick recovery and more time to golf, ride motorcycles and do all the things that i haven't been able to do over the past 8 years. Thanks in advance Terria for being supportive before, during and after the surgeries, must seem like Deja Vu for you to be in a position again as my caretaker, but as you know i ain't no pussy and won't be down for long, i got through the hardest thing in my life in November and the knee thing is a fly on the wall in comparison. we will do well with this and i plan on crutchin it to the gym...Trust me on this

Jon Secada - If you go

Thank you Terria, this is the song that truly reminds me of you. i have so much more to give yet have always never quite got there! heres to the efforts i put forth and the love i send to you from afar and whn you are in my arms

Alter Ego's

Over the past 7 years my friends from the Prozac crew started calling me Gregasaurus, being the biggest and the oldest man in our group seemed appropriate and a fitting tag for the man at the front of the pack. we rode hard and fast and did some stupid stuff in our days and like family always had some drama. The man who coined the phrase Gregasaurus is no longer with our crew, had a falling out with another member about something that now seems ridiculous. but whatever the case Russ was a cool dude and a shame that he is amongst the lost friends that we have endured over the years. So the coined Phrase stuck and we have created a Monster amongst the internet pages of the Prozac crew and the Facebook and Blogs amongst my realm. The Gregasaurus is a mean man who takes no prisoners and will fight to the death on line about something that hits hit nerve, I will talk as much shit to anybody about anything if i do not agree. The Gregasaurus is the online bully that nobody fucks with and knows better to provoke, kind of mirrors the real man Greg Duran in a sense but Gregasaurus has a real mean streak when needed and will stay there til the job is done. The Term " kick em in the dick was used as much as the work ok i the day and the 4 letter words come flying out of the Gregasaurus with an ease and grace that makes some people laugh or get butt hurt, better be laughing cuz the Gregasaurus will make you laugh , or make you cry but being Butthurt is an unacceptable practice in my world. Taking ones self too seriously is a sin in my world, for I make fun of myself as much as I do others, I'm just better at it for the sake of humor. so i have as much fun as ever with this character and love to make people laugh as much as possible and hope that the world is a better place because of my abilities to make people laugh and take a load off the stressful ways of our everyday.
The Saurus on the other hand is a more cerebral and thoughtful alter ego character of mine. The term Saurus was given to me by Erwin a riding buddy from the Prozac crew and has always referred to me as SaurusN8r as we call him Erwin8r, so we bonded and that was the side of Greg who was the friend and the thought full guy who still would make you laugh but would be more intent on listening and helping a brother or a sister out. Facebook is mainly Gregasaurus but is shifting more to a Saurus mode because my friend group has changes ever so drastically and now have a few teachers and a few old high school friends of mine and that's pretty much it, no friends of a friend but people that i see and talk to everyday. going from a high of 52 FB friends which at the time i thought was fucking retarded
to have that many friends that which 5 of them were friends, i have since paired it down to 23, and not to exceed 25. i have some people i know who have 3-4-7 hundred friends on Face book which is as ridiculous as it gets but that's a rant for another time when the Gregasaurus wants to fuck with somebody's fragile ego. The Saurus kinder gentler side is a mirror image of the real Greg who is a listener and a problem solver and being called a nice man over the past 2 months by my new crew of friends that meet for happy hours and party's is a great new thing for Terria and I to experience together. My special thanks to Robert Nevarez and Chancey, The crew of girls, Deb,Bobbi and Stacy we have had some good dinners, meetings and happy hours. My boy Nevarez is coming down this weekend and coming to the house for BBQ and some monster cookies. So with all this being said my characters and alter ego's are just a gimmick and help me to stay grounded. i know who the real Greg Duran truly is and i try hard each day to become a better person all around, helping , listening and being a positive part of people lives when and where i can be. I only hope that i am judged by what I do and say, not the degree in how i say it, the alter ego and caricatures that i have created are for my use and never to be interpreted as anything other than a man trying to create reinvent some humor for the benefit of his friends and even the enemies that I don't have yet. So in the words of my friend Brad Holland" that shit is "Kung Pao" Damn i miss that guy , i wish he would move back from Mexico and get the crew back together. Loving life and all its inhabitants, some more than others, God Bless you all

The Pentagon 9-25-10

This was a very disturbing place for me to visit, so I didn't I drove by took a picture and got a shot at the side that was damaged on 9-11. Very historic and poignant moment for all of us. My friend Ruth's Mother should have been in that section of the Pentagon that was attacked but was in the tunnel

on her way back to her desk at the time, she was stopped in the tunnel and had a short conversation with a coworker and didnt make it back to her desk , as it turned out, her life was saved because of this

Slow Days!

another day of nothingness here at Work, but I'm not complaining at all just going with the flow and trying to keep up the blog spot and let the feeling flow and get my shit straightened out even more so. Not much going on in my world or life other than the constant positives that wifey and I manage to maintain and build upon, Brandon doing well in culinary school and I'm getting the itch to bake for the my friends here at work and our little social group outside of work. Terria , thanks for the muffin pan , now i can make muffins instead of cupcakes and now we can get creative, wonder why it was so hard to find muffin pans that were of the good quality that we require. doing a little reading of my therapist recommended reading"Psycho-Cybernetics and the art of self discovery and in a sense giving and removing scars and essentially giving yourself a mental face lift and positive outlooks and seeing yourself differently and visualizing a newer more productive person. Very good book and a highly recommended piece of literature. Shared my awesome experience of my trip with My coworkers and how i came back with a new sense of awareness and understanding of the term LOVE. I am so happy to have experienced the understanding of how the human heart really works! God bless you All!

Jon Secada - Do You Believe In Us

HONEY!!!!

For Some Reason Jon Secada has 3 songs that remind me of the time when i was away from you "MY Terria",The other 2 "just another day"," and all I really want is you"i hear them in my head and in my soul and remember my bittersweet emotions of pains and confusion and a incredibly rough time in our lives. But time therapy and the love we share and build upon are real stonewalled reasons we thrive so mightily today.

Missing Mrs.Gixxer

I can relate to the aches and the pains
The feelings of doubt and insecurity
never knowing what the other person wants to do
so I make the move and break the ice

I feel the need for a clear open track
speed and wind are at my back
At every turn i look on through
will it slide on out or hold me in the groove

I miss my friend so very much
but time and accidents keep me in touch
the realities are not only mine but my girls frightened yearn
So i hold off and wait my turn

I got a taste of the reckless passion
wild, yet controlled by each action
The feeling of passion is like a wet kiss
This passion that i truly miss

In my blood and in my head
a new Shoei or Arai instead
flip a magazine cover and see the ad
the blood does boil and what i had

My skill so honed and at the top
Never passed or squidly hops
my game of gab and of traction
on the brakes and knee jerk reactions

Yes I miss My 2 wheeled Missile
a constant bug in my head and whistle
One day I know,i will be on it again
Til then i grow a little and heal a little inside

A day in my life

WOW! my first Gym workout in 6 days, that hasn't happened in awhile! For me to take 1 day off is extreme, i went almost 50 days straight without a day off, including the day of and after I blew my good knee out. It felt good to get back into a routine of work, gym ,shower up and back to work, don't know if Ballys will get a visit i did it pretty good at lunchtime and thus missed a great potluck of food that is bad for me! Still hard to believe that this time yesterday i was sitting in Raleigh North Carolina airport coffee shop talking to a Southern Belle about the world and her funny way of speaking, come to find out she was meeting a long lost love of hers and was beaming with excitement and anticipation, the same anticipation i was feeling getting ready to board and head back to L.A to meet my wonderful wife and best friend in the world. The rest of this day brings very little, Terria has open house tonight at school, Brandon is in culinary class til 7 pm tonight so i will be a Bachelor til about 8 and will relax ,take a hot shower, make myself a reasonable dinner and enjoy the solitude that days like today bring. I am missing Shawn a bit today , texted him and thanked him and his family again for the hospitality that they have always given me and my family. I am very happy and so blessed to have what I have in my life at this time, i wrote another poem after last post and really felt it hit the essence of what i am trying to accomplish as a husband, a man and a person who had lost his way a bit in areas that i usually don't...reality and common sense. But as a flawed man i can hang my hat on my mistakes and use my trophy case of bent and tattered brims as a building block to recovery and repair to a form fitting Greg that wears well !

Back in the Saddle

Back to work after the trip to Carolina, all is good at work my crew is happy to see me and the fact that I'm glad to be back to the daily grind is a good thing too! I'm a little tire after getting home and to bed by 2 am last night, but the fact that i was in my own bed with my wife was priceless. I took away many things from my trip East, a new understanding and awareness of what good people do and how they treat each other under any circumstances. My Friend Shawn was amazing as he always is, and his family made me feel like a family member and not the company who they couldn't wait to leave. I did a lot of cool, things on my trip, took some good pictures, rode the quad and dirt bike, rode 2 road bikes and actually rode Shawn's bike to over 120 mph leaned over in a turn or two, didn't think i had it in me but it evidently never went away. So I am back to normal today , a little tired but yet refreshed with a new sense of understanding that all happens for a reason and people come into your life at the right time to make a positive difference and change in my perception of how life should be lived. Yes I am tired and I am looking forward to a good workout, did some walking for 3 days in the humidity felt really good and sweat like a pig out there. But back to my 2 a day workouts and try to lose a few pounds that i probably gained on the trip, we ate well and i cooked 2 chocolate cakes and made a lot of fatty foods for them so i ate poorly this week. I am very happy to be back into my daily ruckus and am more so blessed to be back into my home with my wife and kids. Thank Shawn and family, Ruth and John and the lady in the airport who talked my ear off in her southern drawl at the coffee shop while waiting for the plane to leave yesterday.... too damn funny. God blessed me with a goodness that i don't even realize I have at times, i am a selfish soul and have dedicated myself and my life to living and being a better human being to everybody

a Trip of lessons learned and love appreciated

my last night in north carolina and feeling both sad and happy. happy at seeing my wife and kids tomorrow nihght ,yet sad to leave shawn and his true awesomeness of himslelf and his wife an d kids who jhave opened up their home and hearts to the gregasaurus with amazing kindness to me with so much grace and spirituality of what good people do for one another. tomorrow we will head out for duke university and north carolina at chapel hill. after that grab lunch togehjer and then drop me off at raleigh airport at 400pm for my 550 flight. to memphis,then connect to lax at be in la at 10 pm. i will be soeexcited seeing my honey terria curbside picking me up and will give her a huge hug and kiss . this trip has brough me so much love and awareness and an appreciation for my friend shawn that i never truly understood today i watched my friend shawm look into his sons eyes with so much admiration and love it made me cry and so many emotions wenmt through my head as i watched him take care of his 3 year old who was born with cerebral palsy and has so much love and laughter to give, having no functions of hos motor skills the boy is an iontelligent boy with the mind of his siblings just no way to control his body functions or movements i am so blessed to have seen and experienced this for myself the this has aged my Friend of 36 young years, he now has more gray hair than i do and he is as genuine a human being as there ever was. this trip has given me added perspective of love and life and made me even more aware of all that makes us truly good is within our reach i love my life and wouldnt change a thing about it, and i can honestly say my good friend Shawn feels the same way. god puts us all in places to prosper and shine, boy have i seen proof of that these past 5 days. honey im coming home and thank god for us! thank god for giving us the strengths to persevere thru the past and shine on through together with the goodness that we each deserve and share on a daily basis good night and god bless us all

what a grerat day at our nations capital and the whitehouse i mbarked on a 6 hour each way trip to washington dc with my friend shawn, we arrived in dc at 2 pm afyer leaving at 8 am we spent 2 hours in dc walking alittle and taking pics of the white house and the capital building along with the pentagon and the washington monument drove by arlington cemetary and felt a sense of pride to know many people who loved our country areayed to rest there we headed back to the rental car and drove to richmond to meet my friend ruth and her husband for a cheesecake factory dinner . had a great reunion with ruth and met john then headed homeward and arrived in new bern north carolina at 12am 16 hour day of fun with shawn was so cool i look forward to a return trip and more time to thoroughly venture more of the city thanks to all and it was a knockdead kickass day missing my wife and will see her at 10pm monday night love u honey

necessity to be apart

today was a great day for me i was able to ride the qauds amd dirt bike with shawn and his boy today after that we went for a ride on the sportbike to jacksonville about an hour and a half ride roads are mainly straight but the roads that were bent i rode with the old passion of yetserdays rode both of shawns bikes and rode his newer one like i has ridden it forever felt so natural to me .i was keeping the bike above 100 mph and the high was 120 but didnt feel like it . we finished and went to the store to buy stuff for fajitas and choclate cake we made both beef and chicken fajitas and i made homemade flour tortillas that were damn good we ate and enjoyed refried beans with bacon grease ,so bad for u but so good we ate a great dinner and i made a choclate cake it was ok i missed something in the perparation of it and i noticed it but they loved it after dessert i played madden with ian and then played mad gab with aiden the adorable 9 year old who has the vocabulary of a 15 year old...amazing personality and love her to death,all of the kids are precious and lil aiden still remmeber when she was 3-4 and i always wanted to pinch her cheeks and she was actaully afraid that i was going continue the trend as a 9 yr old, she did let me pinch them once tomorrow we are going to Washington dc Shawn and i and then driving down and stopping in richmond va to meet with Ruth and john for dinner i am so happy i made this trip and know my honey is ok and feeling better than we both were last night it hurts at times to know that i have put her thru so much pain and that she means so much to me amd my life m in talking to shawn he said as long as you have learned something and moved on and that we should become stronger as a result of this i was actually afraid to tell him and he was so non judgemental and so forgiving as his christian faith is a different breed of goodness than most he has a great wife and 4 incredibly smart and polite kids, the youngest liam has cerebal pasy and you would never know it by their demeanor liam was a gift to them regardless of his doabilitie she is loved as much as the others and treated the same as they are just a ittle more maintenance to make sure hes ok but the love in this home is priceless so tomorrow we embark ona 6 hr trip to see our capital and turn around and comr back and meet ruth for dinner . terria i miss you sweetie and i am so glad that u understand how spiritually iberating this trip is for me i needed to see Shawn ans share my tris and tribulations and he so calmly says to me you have seemingly figured it out and you will never be judged by us as being anything but Greg we all do things we regret,but whgat we do afterwards is the growth process that you are experiencing now . so i will see u on monday night sweetheart at 956 pm with a huge smile and a big wet kiss waiting for my baby doll love u and will get in touch as soona s i get reception here loving u from 2500 miles away but feel your hands on my chest....loving u sweetie gman says goodnite

East Coast Today

its 130 am and im in north carolina with my best friend shawn mcintosh in his huge home with his family of love amd good christian beliefs im feeling ahppy yet sad that im enjoying my friend and his family but i am missing my wife and heard it in her voice tonight that she misses me too i know we have been apart before but thiss is the first time apart since we were seperated in may of this year i just want yiu to know sweetie that oi am with u and u with me and distance will never make us apart,just not physically in touch temporarily i feel good and i love you and know that i will enjoy shawn and the goodness that he has to share with me as a grounding person to the gregasaurs where to him im always gregory duran i am exhausted now but feel the need to tell u again that the days are always better with u in them and the nights are seemingly fruitless without you next to me tonight i feel you r presence and your love from 2500 miles away god has blessed me with the goodness that u bring and allowed me to have that second chance to make u the happiest woman in the world again .

Reflect to Deflect

I was reading some old posts of mine this morning, it was very alarming for me to see the state i was in. The anger and resentment towards all was almost astonishing to me, i cannot believe I was in that state of disarray. I know i use my writing as a vehicle to drive my emotions to the right place and vent the over heating of my soulful Radiator, but at times i feel a sense of helplessness in finding that inner sanctity to act and react properly! I have sorted out alot of things in my life, the hardest thing for me at times is always looking back and lamenting on things that cannot be redirected or changed. I have actually come to grips with alot of the things that made me angry, sad and outright ashamed of being Greg Duran, but now i move forward by going backwards in time and read some Blog posts of mine. i actually wrote that i would hope to be able to stay in contact with the person that helped me bring so much pain and anguish to so many people, but realizing that the pains had to stop and the communication had to stop altogether. But moving beyond all of that I actually care too much for too many people ,things and situations that i should not really be concerned with. Focusing in on my life and repairing a perfect marriage that i tried to give away and was miraculously taken back and given the opportunity to find and correct some of my deepest flaws, some of which are not even within my control, but more so in my upbringing that therapy has enabled me to bring to light and see them ever so clearly. I wish all that have touched my life past and present the best and assume that reparations are in order all around where necessary. I cannot, or will not ever put my life into turmoil ever again or give my wife the inkling that i am looking for anything other than her love. When i hit that light switch on June 3 ,3:45 pm It was just that, it was the off switch to a new life for me , which at the time i thought would be alone. But our God works magic and worked a miracle with Greg Duran that day and allowed a troubled man to find the solace in his life, his loving Terria to accept his flaws and work through them together. we both found out why I did what I did and I understand and she accepts the reasoning for my temporary departure away from US!. I look at my wife the same way i always have, as the treasure that she is and always has been, the most honest and sincere person i have ever met and the most incredible love and human being I will even come across, the reasons for my looking back are sometimes what Therapist call "my negativity Grab Bag" this time i catch myself and remove myself and that hand from grabbing into that bag. so for today i looked back to assume the responsibility or fucking up and rising above it all. I hate the fact that Terria is now more cautious as ever and the trust has not been rebuilt to where it once was. I cannot speak for anybody but myself but the guilt and pains have not totally eluded me, even though we have grown as a couple and as individuals i always want more, to want and need are the issues I face daily. i want more of the things that i already have, the love, the time to do so the latitude to be Greg again and i have taken part of this away from terria by not being able to be trusted as I once was. But I know that time and efforts have paid off and will continue to do so. I just hate the fact that I'm not there with her yet, the trust and pains that i have created have made me angry at time, yet i have grown and forgiven myself. But never being content with what i am and who i am always look to navigate personally to calmer ,cleaner waters I digress at times in my pity party ways and become human at times and realize that I am flawed and i am a person in need of the help i am utilizing through Dr. Michael Morales. I have so much that God has given me, the family, the wife the intelligence and the ability to do whatever i need to do to survive and thrive in a world that is cold and cruel to the weak. I write to express and to explore my deeper Greg which at times is very dark and very cold. but i also write to share my joys and my love of life and my love of my God who through my spiritual Guru Frank Schaeffer has allowed me to see the forest through the trees so to speak. i am blessed in every aspect in my life yet I am self sabotaging myself in being my worst critic and my worst enemy. for this i refer to my therapy and know that it is in my hands and it will fix itself If i make the needed efforts to do so. I have removed myself from my past efforts and look forward to the new efforts of Goodness ,honesty and communicating each of them to my terria and dispel those doubts that she may still have about my infidelity and my departure away from the Greg Duran she knew before. I am human, i have made mistakes and will from here on be a positive force in my own life and make all the necessary changes to become that Greg that I always aspired to be and thought i was ,yet had no idea of the self sabotaging that I did to myself, and had been doing long before Spring 2010. so my apologies to my wife and my heartfelt word to her that my efforts will be positive steps to getting back to that Rock and Pillar and relieve her of those duties that she has maintained since May 3, when she held me up while trying not to fall down herself. very trying times and what a place we are at relative to where we were. So I move forward in all of my goodness and work at being a better person to all concerned, this is my life to own and win back, so i shall do so. Thanking God for the Opportunity to make it right, and be alright.

The New Look

I have changed up my blogs a little, done a remodel so to speak and have changed the header to the main Blog i have been using. changed from disbelief to "The Saurus !" I was tired of the look of each site and decided since its free and mine to decorate anyway i choose I did so. I am actually Gregasaurus or The Saurus as all of my friends and some family call me these days, Greg who? is more like it and the thoughts of hearing my name make me cringe sometimes so the Gregasaurus/Saurus nomenclature suit me fine. Finishing up the day, meeting some friends for a quick Happy hour and then heading to see Morales with Terria at 6 tonight. One more work day til i leave for North Carolina and tobacco Road. I plan on taking pictures of both Duke University and of University of North Carolina while I'm there. spoke to My Friend Shawn in NC and we finalized airport arrivals and where we were going to dinner, said we could stop at the Universities on the way to dinner as he has a 7 pm reservation at a really nice Brazilian steakhouse in town so looking forward to seeing my best friend Shawn and his family, the kids are actually starting a countdown of days and the youngest daughter Aiden is afraid I'm going to pinch her cheeks like i used to when she was only 3 and 4 years old. we plan on dirt bike riding trails and quad running through the Forest and I'm taking my Helmet on board the plane so I can ride safely over there in the dirt. So another great day almost closes here at work, meeting my friends and then headed to therapy, then a dinner date with my Baby T and then home to relax and spent the night doing whatever we want. Good times and great days indeed. Hoping that the only person who reads this enjoys the new look, You will tell me if you think its too busy or too gay ,or whatever! wontcha T ??

Marshall Crenshaw Whenever You're on My Mind & Our Town

I love this song and it takes me back to a time when i thought i had it figured out, but years of mistakes and falling down and getting up again make this even more special to me. God bless you Terria for making this our song again!

Til Tuesday! Voices Do Carry

It's early here at work, not much going on , about 40 minutes away from me heading out to my Dr. Appt and blood test. I feel a sense of relief in my world today, Terria and I spoke last night of my troubled past and how my upcoming 5 day trip reminded her of a previous excursion of mine. I cannot even fathom or try to understand the pains and heartache that I created by doing that to her. i hold her and try to be re-assuring to her that nothing will ever happen again and time is my best friend and my worst enemy as well. It is hard to regain trust and belief that a person who had always cherished the ground you walked on and treated like the Saint she is can be so easily passed aside for a temporary lapse in judgement and given away so easily. Prior to therapy i would not have understood the reasons and the person that I had become was so foreign to me. i have a hard time even imagining not being with my Terria forever and continue to kick myself in the ass for it, but has slowed the personal ass kicking and decided to heal instead and to try to help my wife heal along with me! We always communicated incredible, but the communication today is more in depth and we can each tell from our body positions, phrases and even when I sigh for no apparent reason that the minds of our are in constant flux and something is always brewing inside of us, be it , trust issues, or being totally in love , the past does come up and at times we talk about it at length. As i write this i still remember seeing my wife Slumped over and wailing uncontrollably, as I see myself doing the same as i could not understand what was going on with us months ago. Now That i reflect and ponder through my therapy and my new found understanding and appreciation for how incredible my Terria truly is, I move along in life and live the moment for it truly is, its an opportuunity for us to live the next 30 years like never before, whereas our before was perfect! yet i still sought out more perfection or thoughts of perfection elsewhere and can finally come to grips with the reasons why. I've dealt with, or am dealing with my reasons and understand it all so much clearer now. If i have enriched those i have touched , so be it, if I have angered those who cross my path, time will heal that too. But the one constant in my life is the happiness that Terria and I have always shared, never wavering but for a few months in my life where i lost the plot and then got caught up in my own net and struggled to see the light at the end of the darkness. so here i am a better man who loves his life, loves where he has arrived, and will never again see the darkness through temptations again. For this i am truly sorry to have affected so many people other than myself, but the growth from it is so very much worth the pains created. As my therapist told me"This had to happen" and now You can either use the tools i gave you, or continue to Fuck yourself in the Ass" i love that Michael Morales no bullshit and not offended at the fact that he does Love my Terria and its ok with me. So looking forward to our session tonight my love and so looking forward to you reading this and laughing your ass off! I love you Terria Lynn and although i have fallen down before ,i pick myself up with my 2 bad knees and walk side by side continuing the best thing that ever happened to me.....YOU!!! Love you Sweetheart!

Fucking Funk-Good Riddance

Was feeling really low this morning and could not shake whatever it was that was troubling me. I did my normal thing at work ,did my shift up front, met a lady who set an appt to meet with me and that went well, did my normal customer relations job that i do so well. Yet something was missing from the word Go this morning, could not sleep last night til 230 am and was feeling groggy this morning as a result, went into work an hour late and just couldn't get my head around whatever it was that was plaguing my spirits. I went to the gym at lunchtime and had a great workout and hobbled around a little , felt a few twinges on each knee today and cannot wait til DR' O MRI's my ass and gets to the bottoms of my shit. I cannot wait til i can get out and run the beach shores again and play in an adult hardball league. My legs are in the best shape of their life and have worked really hard to stay in decent enough shape to get me through 2 surgeries on my knees. so while I'm working out today in a fog and feeling a little depressed i must have triggered some thoughts to create some sort of pity party for myself. Listening to the Blackberry music library in my ears I heard sad song after sad song and I'm thinking to myself, WTF is going on here , Suspicious minds comes on and I'm ready to cry like a pussy, then it finally dawned on my stupid ass, I'm leaving for the East coast on Thursday and I already have gone into I miss My Terria mode , WOW, it was a relief to figure it all out and i know She will miss me as much. funny how we are so connected, as we always have been but more so recently we cant really be apart for more than an hour without feeling kinda funny, a void a loss or whatever it is but the reliance on her has started to make me wonder if I my trip was timed properly and if I should be away! and of course I answered myself with Dumb ass take your trip and enjoy your friends and Terria Will always be there for me as Will i for her. After the gym and a shower i regained a sense of re-assurance in myself to know that i still think like a flawed man and troubled soul and was never able to admit that i had issues or feeling ever before. My departures have given me a sense of awareness and understanding that Greg Duran has a lot of great qualities but has a lot of work to do yet in making himself,his wife and his kids and family the focal point of the universe. After a post i made on FB this morning I stated that there is not much else for me to do on that sit, i will stay but in a lesser role, i can talk shit with the best of them and make fun of all of the republicans i want but as I always say, even shooting fish in a barrel gets old. so I embark on a newer mindset where Terria and i are more focused on doing things differently and less programmed, we always go to the gym , that's a given, in fact will meet her at the gym for workout # 2 today and hope to sweat a little and then go home a make a healthy good dinner for us both. Tomorrow i go in to the Dr. for a blood test and hopefully a prescription for the thing that plagued me a few years back, a stomach infection of the horrible kind where everything thing i eat feels like i ate 20 of them and feel bloated, so Prev pack me and get me well for my trip and hope t do some quaddin with shawn and some dirt biking with him and his boy and girl on their sprawling land. I also hope to hang with Ruth and her Husband for dinner and to reacquaint with her, she has been a Saint as well in supporting Terria and i with Braz and Nikki being away in the Army, having 4 kids in the military helps her to understand better than anybody, every time i look at the flag that her daughter flew over Afghanistan territory and dedicated it to Terria and I. she is a top shelf person in my life and i want to thank her and her Husband in person for the kindness that they have given us both. Yeah, being blessed comes in so many forms, the fact that i am not always appreciative and understanding of these blessings brings me to tomorrow and my therapy with Dr. Morales and the help that he has given both Terria and I in understanding how, what and why we do things the way we do, moreso me and my twisted ways of living and thinking, expressed in writing and some horrific speaking at everybodys expense. But things are great and i feel great , looking forward to my trip, looking more forward to my Honey upon my return. Thanks T for being YOU! always good to know that you've seen me at my worst and became stronger at those times, and don't have a selfish ounce in your soul! I love this life and i love the people in my world and my God has given me to enjoy . I have been through the jungles and have become a wiser better person after my safaris, we live , we learn we grow, i just need to grow up and start acting like a responsible adult.... don't hold your breathe ur turning blue

Very Quiet

Very Very quiet in the world of Greg these days! Things are going well as I a preparing for my trip to North Carolina to see Shawn and his family Thursday evening. We plan on doing motorcycle races on Saturday and then I am renting a car to go visit my Old Friend Ruth and have dinner with her and her Husband John, should be a very fruitful trip. Upon returning from my trip i have an Orthopedic Dr appointment to check my knees and probably schedule a couple of surgeries to repair whatever is wrong with the knees. so I do look forward to the surgeries believe it or not and hope i can get back up and running quicker than expected. So I am really excited about my upcoming trip, don't really mind flying but hate the airport and all the security shit they make us go through. But other than that good times ahead ,all is well and i wish I was bringing Terria with me on the trip but understand the time off from work is much harder to obtain that it is for me at mine. s0o very quiet , have another therapy session tomorrow with Michael and am just starting some recommended reading that he suggested I read, so i have just cracked it open and seems interesting. So might be a little quiet here and on FB cuz I'm really kinda bored and disinterested with it all. I'm sure the trip and my visit on my knees when i return will pique my interests a little

Rufus Wainwright- Hallelujah (Lyrics)

I love This Song beyond belief

Theory Of A Deadman - All Or Nothing

I love this song, It reminds me of My Boy Ty and it makes me feel good to know that he respects me so much!

Recognition

My Frail soul has strengthened
My strong limbs have weakened
Time has caught up to me
So I head to the shop for a repair

The mind and the soul
try to again be whole
A couch to reconcile
changing perceptions and poor style

Open mind and open heart
never to again play the part
of an undeserving man who lost his plot
Thanking God for all I've got

The sun rises each and every day
the Man i know has so much to say
that life is great and come what may
I can flush away life's disarray

Jumping in front of a commuter Bus
taking the punches towards a better US
life and time will build the trust
the burying of foreign lust

Today is here to embrace it now
no looking back on when and How
onward to the futures graces
Futures to enjoy and going places

I thank my God for my spirituality
to hang my hat on his abilities
showing me bright lights and my inabilities
working hard to recognize my vulnerabilities

The Saints have invaded my storied life
accepting of my wonderful wife
the gifts of giving and of love
my world now fits me like a glove

I wont take it off
or cast it aside
but polish it
and wear it with Pride

Personal Growth

When life throws you curve balls you either swing and miss, or hit the long ball! When you throw yourself curve balls its pretty hard to hit your own pitch, this is so damn true in my case. Through the therapy and sessions with Michael, i grown to understand a few things about myself that I've never thought to be true. Always the optimist and always the epitome of overconfidence i used these things to cover up allot of insecurities and allot of pent up anger, fears and disappointments. a lot of my humor and wit is a direct correlation to the phenomenon of Greg and his sarcastic, rude, yet funny passage through life. Its always easier to laugh at shit then to cry about it, but suppression of self worth and self confidence can sometimes be masked by the behaviors that i display. So through my therapy Its been proven that the over confident Greg is actually an undeserving Greg who feels that nobody can do for me because I can do it myself and don't ever want to trouble anybody with ME! My many faults and flaws are in fact the result of me sabotaging myself to fail and to prove myself right, that i am in fact unworthy of being loved, wanted , desired or being worthy of anybody and anything worthwhile, to include the self destruction of moving away from Terria and seeking refuge elsewhere. These things i now know and it puzzled me at time why i was never content with what i had , always having more than enough everything , never lacking anything and always looking for more than I needed and more than was required, even if what I had, or did was more than sufficient. My motorcycle fetish is an example of this, I could do it so i did do it even thought everything i was replacing was more than i would have ever needed. Since Mt therapy began in late June of this year I feel that we have bonded closer and have worked out better ways to communicate our feelings and emotions in a timely way so that nothing goes unnoticed and never gets to a point where i have to abandon my self values or self worth ever again. I have truly stopped kicking my own ass for the mistakes i had made but Michael once again put it best when he said" I've given you the tools to fix your shit" Quit fucking yourself in the ass, i laugh as i write this because his therapy amuses me at times and the matter of fact manner in which he emphasizes things is priceless. So being so far beyond where i was a few months back i reflect and look in the rear view again just to make sure that my past mistakes and flaws are getting smaller and smaller in the mirror. As for me personally I am so looking forward to further growth and a better understanding of what it was that made me, me and how far I've come from that point . My trip to North Carolina is a long needed ,long awaited visit to my best friend Shawn who is a gem as a human being, then i will go to the Motorcycle Races at Virginia raceway in a town a few hours away from his Carolina home. After races going to Richmond Virginia to meet up with my old Jr high and High school friend Ruth who has been so great to me and Terria and look forward to seeing her after 29 years! The day is going well and work is doing what it does, consume my day, i am sure the gym will get a visit, whether here on base or after work at Ballys time will tell. But life is incredible, things are swimmingly smooth and its times like this that i must really focus, for my mentality of when things are good, lets mess them up is a ripe time for me to fuck something up. i am on alert and am watching all sides for the pending doom and despair, well i have control of that but will still be ok to keep a real hard look at things from here on !

Eddie and The Tide- One In A Million

It is Real, so I feel

Intricacy's and frailties
the life's brittle composition
I look at the dew
And wonder where my Sun has gone

Driving into work today
inadequacies and negativity's
tried to take over my morning drive
I ceased to let exist
and I was able to resist it

A lemon Cupcake in my hands
I shared the wealth
and better health
by passing them around

That Michael's thoughts run in the background
telling me to drop the other bag
pick up your tools
and quit playing the fool
for fucking yourself in the ass is no fun

my state of mind is in a state of peaceful array
The clouds blow over
I lend a shoulder
as a friend awaits my arrival

The work days end is upon me
i seek out a sweaty resolve
My Lifeline, the Wife O' mine
arms wide open like my smiles

It took me to fall down
over and over again i stumble
I realize , to fantasize
Is removing myself from the world I've won

Can't take away my goodness
the fight to obtain is fierce
I struggle through my daily dose
Of being Greg with 2 broken knees

Yet the calm in my heart is frightening
though deserved and i know
until i realize I am worthy
and quit going against the river flow

Goodness and gracious
to cherish and forgive
Move along in the journey
my Loves and the life I live

The Verve - Lucky Man (with lyrics)

SO very Lucky, Thank you My Saintly Wife Terria for helping to me achieve the state that I'm feeling today

Another long weekend down and looking forward to another workweek . Very quiet weekend spent with family and some good meals, some cooking and some baking and some overall togetherness! The knee is still hurting me and can't really do much, with 2 bad knees the gym is the only thing I can do and that even hurts like hell at times. So my trip to NC is coming up in less than 2 weeks and I really look forward to seeing Shawn and his family and possibly meeting my Friend Ruth at the same time. Upon returning from My trip I have a date with the Orthopedic to see when I get my knees fixed and get back to a better quality of life and no more hobbling around. So Again i put Terria ,my Saint in nursemaid role of taking care of me while my knee heals, depending on what they find will determine how long I am down. So I hope that the down time is not too long and I can get back to normal and do the things I want to do . But I will crawl to the gym and do what I am able to do regardless. So a new workweek begins and a positive outlook ahead of us all!

The Wonder Stuff - Circle Square (Live )

Fields - "Sponge" 1994 Rare Live

I Spew, I speak , I conquer!

I'm tired of failing
I'm tired of falling
So tired of losing the plot

I'm wired for widsom
so very abysmal
to waste it on myself

So shocking to fail me
too weak to assail me
just get up off the floor

I see the bridge crossing
the other side of righteousness
and a pit full of dirt

I see the small boy
lost without his toys
and a peaceful place to fight

A punch in the face
a simple disgrace
but a bruise to try to explain

A hug and a hold
a squeeze and a pull
an eruption waiting to happen

I see the seas glisten
but i never listen
to the sound of my own mind

no telephone calls
half torn down walls
and a heart displayed on the floor

my master plan
to hold your hand
til the day I do pass

no worries of health
I'm doing my part
just grinding it everyday

my world is so small
how can i ever fall
into a trap of being undeserving

So next time i fall
a punch in the Jaw
a ride into a blizzard laden sunset

my hopes and my dreams
living in the extremes
I thankful yet I question?

tomorrow is so damn bright
another inner fight
and a lost grab bag of shit

so easy to talk
the efforts to walk
perseverance is my new hero

I'm so over my past
temporary never lasts
but my Timex keeps on ticking

I love the way i'm loved
so I continually look above
I'm thankful yet too human

Focus on what is
planning for what will be
and learning from what was

I grab and squeeze you back
call my conscience from attack
and allow the goodness to be mine

yesterdays will never come back
or the ubiquitous grab bag
but growth can never cease

I'm so in love with my true love
can never run from the daily shove
and being accepting is my new affirmation

so there you have it from that couch
not a loser or a slouch
just a man trying to get his shit together

each day brings me new trials
tribulations and potential victories
positivity replaces my doubts

Thanking God in advance
the never ending chance
to find my place and hold it right

The Grab Bag

Rediscovery can sometimes be my best friend or my biggest adversary, At times i go with life's flow and seem so content with it all, then it hits me, Am I deserving of this life, this wonderful life that people work their entire lives to obtain? At times I wonder , my actions prove my points . I Crushed myself awhile back with bad decisions, that getting too close was a bad thing, for the best thing in my life i was ready to unload, yet i sit here today wondering do I really deserve this life? Talking to My wife last night about the trial and tribulations of Being Greg, the thoughts and mind works so mysteriously and at time frightens even me! We talked and talked about days gone by and what the experience had taught me ,if anything at all. I always say to myself that anything be it good or bad is worthwhile, it means we learn a little more each day about ourselves and about others and life in general is a classroom attended on a daily basis. Seems like I've been absent at times and have some catching up to do. So the past is done and I ignore its ugly head and chop off the thoughts of ever doing it again and always wonder when the next test will be and when i approach this monstrous atrocity of righteousness versus being a knucklehead again! I have grasped on to the therapy and believe the valid points being made, my relationships of my past do tell me that the Issues are a grand piece of work that 47 years of efforts must be reversed and made to order for a new order is coming and i feel the goodness within myself to do , and to be the man that i promised my T and myself to be. My humor, my personality of magnetism are just that, and can attract the wrong elements and wrong ideas ,i have to process my energies and be able to fight through the devil on my shoulder and seek out the angel by my side. I have so many things to do with my life and have done fairly well so far, i miss my old crew of friends from riding Motorcycles and hanging in the immaculate garage of Chris Pfeifer and laughing til it hurt, i miss Prozac and all of his wisdom and i miss the Brothers Estrada for their unique take on life and another approach to dealing with things. I miss my motorcycle alot, i miss the actual thrill of 2 hours of freedom from being responsible to anybody but my own safety and mortality, my accident was in fact a good thing, made me realize that i am not bigger than the roads which are not always paved smoothly for me, This is in fact a mirror image of my life for their is no blue print to have the perfect life, or the perfect way of dealing with what i have in life, which is in fact as close to being perfect as a human can get but yet i stretch out and try for yet more than is humanely possible. One day ! One day soon i will figure out how to be back on a bike, on a road and on a path to where i need to be emotionally. so as i struggle to find ME, I appreciate all that i know about my life and all that are in my life and i can only hope the continued growth towards a happier ,more productive Greg and an even better ,more productive relationship with all of those in my life, Good times ahead and alot of work to be one to get there. So I reach for that Grab bag of stupidity and pain and try to throw it in the Ocean for the final time.Thank you Terria Lynn Duran for being there for me and for listening to my story! you are a Blessing and you are the Foundation for a better stronger, healthier Greg

The Way It Is

Sometimes i laugh so hard I cry
Every now and then I live so hard i die
and the sun comes up i shy
my eyes burn as they're opened up wide

Time and distance pass on through
Good to know that I am overdue
for the awareness and the accepting few
That life's a giver and my skies are blue

The loves of mine are so very Real
the tenderness and the love i feel
gave me hope and accepted of my flaws
Bad decision and bending life's laws

The phone doesn't ring anymore
The past is drifting further down shore
I've moved my quarry of rocks and stone
Yet the past fails to leave me alone

I'm ever so tolerant and giving my hope
the life i left and the bigger scope
to build my Castle with loving Power
This love of mine could be my shining hour

I want so much to do things right
I need to find it and hold it tight
So i hold my love thru the brightest of nights
The morning comes and you're in my sights

My mistakes and shortcomings so evident
reparations and the gift yet sent
time and efforts will prove my worth
the reasons for my heaven and earth

My amazing T I say to you
I'm an easy one to misconstrue
but the strengths you hold and share with me
Are the gifts I prayed for eternally

Tomorrow brings another day
A day in which we hope and pray
togetherness and a place to stay
where love grows rampant everyday