One At A Time

 Funny thing about life

It comes with no guarantees, there are no returns

We are dealt issues as they choose to arrive

We have no say or recourse

Sometimes we are overwhelmed by numerous problems

We should pick and choose which one to fight

We generally try to deal with them all

And we will lose that fight

So here I stand in a conundrum

Life is rearing its' uglier side

Throwing me a load near my capacity

So I analyze and try to prioritize

My mind, heart and body

Strewn across the road to somewhere

I feel answers to every issue

Not sure where I should start and how to proceed

My heart hurts from lost love

It's also broken because internally it's deficient

My body aches from too many crashes

Everything hurts you can see it in my stride

My son has his own pressures

I'm his dad I'm supposed to have answers

I worry about him and my grandsons

I hope I can help him through it somehow

So I'm trying to get my head straight from my divorce

Each day was to get better but it's not

I've fallen back and lost some traction

Matters of the heart will heal when they choose

My body hurts but I do my part

My healing from my accident has been too slow

Every day I rehab at the gym

Everyday I try to think positively

Now my boy has troubles of his own

I'm trying to be supportive from miles away

So as his father I will be concerned

Doing whatever I can to help my boy

I'm not overwhelmed but my mind is full

Different feelings and so much yet to be determined

I try to deal with one issue at a time

It's so hard when the heart, mind and body are trying to decide 

My Big Sister

 Today is a special day

A very special person in my life

She was born on this day 69 years ago

She is my wonderful older sister

April has a been a true gift to the world

Blessed with a selfless soul

She is everything to everybody

Her siblings, nieces, nephews, husband and friends

She raised me when I was a child

She was a child at the time herself

Both parents worked long hours

April sacrificed her childhood and helped raise us right

AS I grew older I realized

She was my mother figure along with our own

When I got in trouble at school not following rules

I feared what she would say and hated to disappoint

I remember the day she told me Tim had proposed to her

I didn't like it, I didn't want to share her

I got over it pretty quickly

Tim is a helluva guy

The years have passed and things never change

She helped raise all of our kids 

She took care of our aging mother

She gave and gave and never asked for anything

I've been blessed with incredible people in my life

Nurturers, surrounded by love and affection

Big sister April is at the head of the class

She gave and continues to do so

Wishing you the best of birthdays today

I would be lost without your care and concern

You are the best big sister

An incredible human being!

Love you, 

 Greg

I Still Think Of You

 So many thoughts invade my days

I think about good things and some misfortune

By days end I'm mentally exhausted

So I send myself to bed

My nights are so different than my days

I slow down the process

But the process never ends

I don''t dream anymore, I think myself to sleep

I think about hitting a Baseball

Listening to my favorite music

Having conversations with people who have come and gone

Constant companionship without speaking out loud

I recall the 100's of concerts I've attended

Baseball games all across the country

I think about singing and hitting a Baseball very hard

I wish I wish, I wanted to be either when I grew up

Now that I'm older and never truly grew up

I follow my Baseball Dodgers and I sing along to my favorite tunes

It's as close as I get to being there for real

It is close enough for me

All of my passions were shared with my children and wives

They enjoyed watching me enjoy myself

Selfless human being I was blessed to have in my life

Gone today but never forgotten, forever admired

A song came on Youtube tonight

"I still think of you and all the shit you put me through"

"You made pain your lover, infidelity not discreet"(group MS. MR.)

I wonder if she thinks of me?

Coping Not Hoping

As I reflect on my lost past

My thoughts and memories stored away 

I lost my wife a year ago

I let my favorite chair go today

Not so much losing my wife

She lost me and very quickly

Wasted no time on the proceedings

I'm glad she did she saved her soul

I don't think about wanting it all back

I can't comprehend being in this position

The emptiness I feel for being a hurtful husband 

At times makes me angry and toxic 

I take a drive to nowhere

To put my mind in a better place

The waves crash hard on the rocky shore

The surfers paradise is just that

I can't run or hide from my emotions

The blame game serves me no purpose

The end result took care of itself

Now I must take care of ME

As they took away my chair today

Something better to replace its' space

The gifts and the goodness that brought her to me

These incredible memories stay inside 

She can't forgive, I won't forget

Everything that was whole in my life

Not that it matters to her anymore

But I'm thankful that she was my wife

I Cried! (My Chair)

 Roughly 15 years ago I had a horrible motorcycle accident

Crashed on a route I knew very well

Conditions were perfect but my tires Weren't

I went out and rode hard on worn tires

As a result, I spent 11 days in the hospital 

I was internally bleeding, and they couldn't operate

4 Blood transfusions and some platelets

Helped my body heal itself

The healing time at home was slow

I couldn't get in a good position and had trouble sleeping

My wife at the time went out and bought me a burgundy lazy boy

This was great and allowed me to get in a good position

I had since had a serious bicycle accident requiring surgery

I recovered on this chair as well and it did its' job again

Many, many miles of use 

Many good and bad memories as well

They took my chair away today

Making room for my new adjustable bed

As I watched them load it up

I felt a sadness inside that I can't describe

It reminded me of all the injuries I healed from

The great conversations my wife and I have had

Hours of sports and TV

The occasional meal or snack which stained my chair

The chair brings back memories of my wife

She was so good to me through good and bad

Thoughtful and loving and giving of herself

She bought me another one years later which I sit in now

The truck drove away with my old chair in tow

I cried and am still crying it hurts to let go

The chair symbolizes healing and love

I let them both go and it kills me inside

My chair represented so much of my past

My wonderful wife and my memories of her

It hurts to make mistakes in life and lose 

I've lost my wife and they took my chair

This Hurts

 Feeling a bit confused today

A little overwhelmed

I'm trying to comprehend

Why people act like they do

Everywhere I look, I see unhappiness

Anger and disillusionment with the day to day

Stress wears us all to the breaking point

We all need a therapist, but I'll pass

There is hurt all around

A lack of empathy and nobody cares

The ME generation has taken hold

And won't allow the goodness to sink on in

I have felt, or dealt the things I speak of

I've hurt and destroyed and apparently didn't care

No one's coming or calling on the Phone

My hopes were damaged so I'll sleep alone

Nobody cares I know that now

I had thought you were better than that

The simple things you've made so hard

The walls surround an open mind

I feel the cool breeze of bitterness

I'm very sad that it still rides with you

I shall leave you alone as you have to me

I have so much to say on deaf ears

I'm trying hard to see what you see

I have already felt what you're feeling

There will come a time when I've been replaced

Then maybe the healing can begin

I continually dwell on this lack of caring

You were hurt and I'm dying a very slow painful death

The pain I. constantly feel in my body

I take each painful step with the thought of not falling

The pains and stresses of my body and life

My worries for my boys, their happiness

I must hold onto the goodness I still have left

This world is all new to me and I'll wonder how

My Game

 I drove by the local school today

There were kids on the Baseball field playing

I glanced in their direction with admiration

The game I loved to play

I taught my sons how to play

Taught the fundamentals and how to catch and throw

Hitting was the hardest to teach

Bucket of balls and a trip to the park

My oldest boy had a bat in his hands at 2 1/2 years

My younger boys picked it up and played locally

They enjoyed it and we continued to work at it

Eventually they founds Girls and Football

Raising boys in my sports world

May have been unfair

My passion for the game was intense

They didn't share the same enthusiasm

As a grandparent I'm over the teaching phase

So I watch my beloved Dodgers and enjoy every pitch

I don't go to games anymore

But I watch them and remember when!

Then And Now

I met a friend many years ago

We talked, we wrote we laughed a lot

We grew together before we grew apart

The future looked back at the past

We formed a union one Summer day

The end of the month as I recall

Our families , a few friends

35 of them total

We inherited the gifts of kids from each other

We helped them grow and raised them right

We struggled with outside negativity

But together we fought on through it all

Court visits and legal advise

We were fighting for things that should have been given

Some parents are far from that

Leave the kids to be taught right from wrong

The children grew and went on their own

Empty nesters we would become

We watched our kids learn about life

And bring lives into this world to bring us joy

So much to do and so much to see

The little one's gave us passion and desire

To live a new life filled with youth

We embraced it and treated them well

Life was amazing we were so close

We travelled and visited when we could

My Army boys and my boy

We had to move around to watch the kids grow

When the world falls apart

It comes in many pieces

I made a bad choice, I crashed my Bicycle

I was damaged inside and out

My physical pains still hurt me so

My emotional losses cannot be replaced

I'm not healed from my Bicycle crash

I will never heal from emotional scars given and received

My mobility has been severely compromised 

My mind and thoughts float away each day

I want to reach out and fix it all

But the water is down the stream

The darkest nights when I drive alone

My mind and heart fight for neutrality

I had it all before my biggest fall

I'd trade my broken legs for a wounded heart

Stuck in this room with a mindful of sorrow

The days ahead bring opportunities to prosper

To Fly away and take the plunge

Unencumbered not by my own design

Yes I've had it all and lost most of what mattered

I hold onto the threads of goodness

My 3 little boys will bring their youthful lives

And show me I have more than I've lost

Goodbye to tears and sorrow

Wake up to the warmth of a new beginning

Spread what goodness I have left in me

Stop waiting for the phone to ring

 

Moving Forward

 I received a stunning yet not unexpected message last night

A message from my 12 year old grand daughter

She has been using a journal to present her thoughts

I received a couple of her entries

I can't say how much of it was her or her parents

12-year-old little girls don't generally tell grandpa to FUCK OFF

Go to Hell was heard as well, I was stunned and amazed

Someone loves her grandma and really hates me

Too much was shared with this little girl

Told things that really should have never been shared

Grandma and Grandpa are no longer together

Leave it at that and be sad together

As I read her words, I felt her sadness

She lost her Papa and had nothing to do with it

I don't agree with the separation 

But I'm not the one to make those decisions

I can agree and disagree all I want to

My decisions created this unfortunate situation

I sift through the broken hearts and broken relationships

Knowing I can't fix this although I've tried

My little Girl who was my first Grand child

Deep in my heart she makes me hurt

My deep loss and disappointment in her eyes

Will follow me wherever I go

My saving grace that gives me hope

My two little ones from my other boy

I will bridge the distance between us 3 

I will give them all this Papa can give

Take It On

Another day goes by

Another set of tears fall to the wayside

I turned my music off on the way to the gym

I couldn't hear another one of those songs

I've grown from a year ago

I have realized there's no turning back

Forward to another place is where I am

Alone with my thoughts sometimes dark

The clouds don't always follow me

The sun shines bright more than I realize

So much of what I knew has been removed

And here I still stand with many options

I could be in a better place

Or a homeless man who has given up

I opt for the stay and fight

My daily regiment says everything for me

My spiritual side has broken through

My mental acuity Has plenty in the tank

I can see the tunnel and the light

I feel pretty good tonight

When I open the blinds in the morning

Will I see the light intended for me

Can I fight through another memorable tune

Will the pictures I see make me happy not sad

Tomorrow on the ride to the gym

I play the songs that made me cry

I listen and I sing along

Reminded those were happy times not sad

I have reached a fork in the road I've chosen

Staying the course and not veering away

I've got a limited stretch on this side

I'm not wasting my energy on yesterday

For all of my petty grievances and beliefs

I won't expect people to be who they can't be

Just accept my choices that I was a part of

And let the rest be who they want to be

 

A Life Better Lived

 I felt a tug in my chest tonight

Not a heart attack but a failure of some sort

A bitter sting that life can bring

Funny what you feel in the dark

I was looking at my photographs

Six years of memories

So many great snapshots

A few that made me cry

A picture can speak thousands of words

Some of mine were one word "SAD"

The joys at the time they were taken

Reflection to the realities they created

I feel that sadness in my heart tonight

I wiped away the tears and then wiped some more

I can hear the words and feel that touch

It's ok, it's ok to cry

My words float aimlessly as I talk to myself

My prayers from my thoughts as I feel you close

I have failed on many levels long before I failed you

These failures reflect my full potential

I can only hope that this feeling will pass

Not knowing your status and frame of mind

My biggest wish is your life is fulfilled

And that your life is better without me

This Is Me

 I have tried so hard to stay afloat

Stay up from the pitfalls I've created

Looking forward ,stop looking back

Yesterday will never come back

I find it hard to talk about

Betrayals and forgiveness never recognized

I can listen and hear and hear the words

They continue to bite real hard

A conversation I had tonight

I realize that I was absent and inconsiderate

I try to make it up but never reach the mark

Where sorry is not accepted as a viable answer

My shortcomings are openly exposed

Nothing more to hide from those who need to know

This tiny world which is now my home

I have so much to repair in a short time

Forgive me for my arrogance 

Thinking that I was never wrong

Double ignorance proves my point

I wandered aimlessly my entire life

Living in this bubble of reality

I can't escape its' harmful results

I make it up in ways that don't matter

It's the only thing I have anymore

My truth is escaping my lies

My life is meaningless unless I make a difference

I can give you everything I Have

But I still come up so short

I can now see the things so obvious

My evil ways and more evil thought

The way I lived this laughable Hoax

Fraudulent to those who chose to engage

A new day has come and nothing really changes

I seek out redemption that may never come

I try to move away from my vices of destruction

I hope a little and pray all night

Bad Anniversary Nov -1, 2023

Tomorrow will be a sad reminder

Will be 1 year from the end of something great

My world , my life took a serious tumble

A fall from which I've yet to recover

The things that I remember

The things that I forgot

The tears that have fallen

All the wasted years

My apologies and remorse have run me over

The day keeps coming back

I remember free falling

Without my safety net

Now I'm left to fend for myself

No love or warmth to hold my hands

No help to get around

I force myself to be self sufficient

This memory that haunts me 

The reminders all around

No words from the girl who was my love

Just a picture of Drew Dog

I ruined a perfect day for us

The accomplishments of my boy

I'm so proud of all that he has done

I'm so fucking disappointed for who I am

How does one recover

I don't want love again

It hurts too much to care so much

And lose it all over again

I have choices to make from her

To what, where and how

I'd love to stand for something good again

Instead of having things taken away

 

OCT 31 , 2024

 Today is a day I really dread

Halloween is not my jam

I remember not liking it as a kid

I dressed up only once

What I do enjoy is handing out candy

Watching the kids in their jubilant state

So young and happy to be alive

That energy I would love to have

The creatures and the costumes

The littles dressed and ready

I wait for the pictures

Of the boys and their bountiful grab

I wonder why Halloween meant nothing to me

Why I enjoy the joys of others

I guess my addiction to reality

Doesn't allow a creative fun side

The candy bowl is filled to the brim

Backups close behind

I hope the kids come out tonight

I'd hate the eat the leftovers

To break away from reality

Maybe I should give it a try

I relive my childhood through my boys

The three word phrase that fills the night

Mind Break

 I'm taking a drive tonight

I had no destination in mind just drive

I ended up in downtown Santa Barbara 

To clear the mind and free myself

It feels good to drive again

Been over 2 years since I had driven

Injuries from my bicycle accident made it unsafe

So I drive as much as I can 

My mind and thoughts have been escaping me

I have too many things simultaneously running

Slowing down my broken mechanism

To the snails pace in which I walk 

Driving in Santa Barbara I reminisced 

The music venues and concert bars

My twenties were spent walking those streets 

Those were good times I remember them well

As I pull away from the big game

I realize I don't need to care

Time with myself for myself 

Had made me line up a thought or two

All of this thinking made me thirsty

I blew off chicken piccada to get away 

I ended up in Carpenteria

Where my best friend have our monthly meet

Again I heard that trigger song 

Affectionately called the last dance song 

I blew off sorrow and sang along

Because I'm unable to dance anymore 

So many thoughts of yesterday

40 years and moving forward

I needed this drive for so many reasons

I need a minute to wipe away some tears

I'm not sad ,angry or bitter anymore

Who really should care if nobody cares back

I've learned no lessons ,but of people

Who have shocked and disappointed me

My personal therapy session is over

This really disinfected the spoils

I can drive the 30 minutes home content

I'm making strides in meeting tomorrow 

Can't Escape it

 I heard another familiar song today 

Driving along it hit me again

A trigger, a dagger in my throat

Speechless, thoughts filled with negativity 

I've tried very hard to mend my fences

The holes yet patched and can see it through

I get real anxious when I think of things

That show my life with you

Too many times I blame myself

For failing to maintain my life

The comforts of the nicer things

That somehow meant nothing to me

That song I hear too often now

Reminds me where i was

I was dancing with my former wife

For the first and the last time

I won't turn it off or turn it down

A great memory and a great song

I embrace the thoughts,love and the dance

I still waiting for that call

Some things are like a decadent dessert

The looks the smell and tastes 

Too tempting to refrain and walk away

I eat it and hate myself 

Brandon's Chocolate Cake

 Things that occupy my mind

Things worthwhile of my time

The sweetest things I can find

Come out my hot oven

When I feel quirky I write

When I feel sad I write some more

When I feel good about thing

I'll bake a chocolate cake

Experiment and give it all

Extra this and more of that

There is no set recipe

It changes in my head

The oven is warming and getting hot

My mixture is doctored and ready to go

Set up the timer and close the door

I can smell it now ,chocolate in the air

The cakes are baking and 30 minutes to go

The timer ticks down don't let it over cook

Preparing the toppings and fillings right now

More chocolate, cream, butter and vanilla mixing it up

If you like dark chocolate frosting

Chocolate ganache filled layered decadence

Almost ready to be devoured

Sweet tooth and love of Chocolate is a requirement

It's cooled and trimmed and ready to cover

Enveloped in chocolate frosting

Each layer filled with amazing ganache

Eat it today, go to the gym tomorrow

No Purpose

 I often ask myself

Why am I here

What is my purpose

What am I supposed to be doing

Doesn't feel like I've done much

There is no real purpose

I've had it all it seems

Evidently it wasn't ever enough

I think about the daily grind

I can write about how I feel

Nothing much excites me anymore

Everybody hates everything

Why do I feel so disinterested?

Why do feel like I've lost

When does the sun shine bright on my psyche

Why do I search so hard for answers

I've lost too much in my life

I've given away more than that

At one time I felt sorry for being me

Now I can accept it I'm really not that bad?

The new freedoms my choices have allowed me

Can take me places I shouldn't go

There's so much negativity that awaits me

I'm sure I'll walk right on in

I wish I could look back and be a proud man

I've disappointed too many to feel that way

I see myself how others judge me

The space I occupy is wasted on someone more worthy

Our Boy

 My heart is shattered tonight

My little boy is hurting

I can't be there to help him right now

He misses his little boys

In a foreign room alone with his thoughts

The devil is home to plot her next vengeful act

Why are people so hurtful

Why is she so useless to those that matter most

My boy needs me tonight

He cries alone with his thought

I pray for him and talk to him

My sons' pain is my own, I share it with his mom too

We are helpless tonight

Tomorrow brings a fight that won't be pretty

I might be swinging the hardest, yelling the loudest

Nobody messes with my boys

So Mom and Dad and family alike

Pray for our boys tonight

Let there be an end result

That allows 2 not meant for each other a freedom pass

Lawyer up son I said to him

get ready for the fight of all fights

I got you covered on all sides

Go fight for your boys and make it right

Mom is enroute to patch up the bumpy road

I wish I could be there for my boy

I'll wait for a call and progress report

God put my mind at ease

I Ask

 There's a cold breeze blowing through my heart today

Nobody listens ,nobody hears me

I didn't ask for much

I wasn't even acknowledged

I guess its' ok it seems to be the normal reaction

Whatever I touch turns to powdered dirt

The silence and avoidance is making me tired

I can't change the dressing on the wounds 

I can't blame anyone for the way they handle me

I can't change that horrible perception

I can honestly say

I won't wear the burden any longer

There's a point in time when it hits real hard

Realizing that the chase is over

There's no way I'll ever be heard

There's no way to be understood

I tried to go about the proper way

Asking for permission for the simple things

That memory I could hold in my hand

It would bring me such joy is that such a crime

The point has been made

Ground rules have been set

I will stay off your lawn

I should have never played on in the first place

I won't chase the memory of yesterday

My mind seeks a better way

To overcome and rise above 

The pettiness that I cannot control

Retrospect

 I feel really old today

not physically just mentally stuck on retrospect mode

Looking backwards at what used to be

relive it somehow to bring it back to life

Thoughts of my kids when they were young

School days and Christmas plays

Baseball and football practice

Ridiculously funny dinner conversations not meant for humor

Ex wives in deep conversation with me

One eye looking at them ,the other at the Game on TV

If only I could have looked them in the eyes

Turning the TV off

Trips to our favorite restaurants

Brandon's Chocolate chip pancake and potatoes

So many places we would go

Some are gone others bring memories won't allow me to go

I have really thought about being a young father

A very bad father at the time

I eventually learned a few things

I passed them on to my newer kids

Now my kids have had kids

7 grandchildren I call the "Littles"

Strewn all over the country

Some I'm not allowed to see

I've been married twice

I have failed twice

I've been good at fucking things up

So dinner for one at the counter please

I can run it back as many times as I want

Not sure I was ever happy or content

It was never an issue of the glass half full/half empty

My glass and it's desires were always too big

I know so many wish they could change their pasts

Make amends and do it over again

Not me, I'm where I'm supposed to be

Greg being Greg and nobody to talk to

Must Be Dreaming

 I dream allot at night

As if to tell me something

I try to understand each and every thought

Waking up to not knowing where I am

I think myself to sleep each night

One worry compounded by other concerns

Most of which are out of my reach

I had it once and dropped it from my hands

Feeling guilty or feeling afraid

Mistakes at this point are very expensive

Especially when I'm bankrupt and emotionally broke

It's very hard to recoup life's currency

When I think too much or Dream too hard

I wonder where the fuel to this train comes from

That bitter feeling in my mind

Keeps reminding me I never really mattered

I believe my poison can no longer spill

I can no longer infect or interject

The toxic activities that spill on your feet

Were left there from so long ago

When I ask for forgiveness and understanding

Another selfish way to make myself feel better

I cared so much at one time

When you hurt I bled for you and cleaned up the sorrow

Now I live in a lonely place

Not alone but don't hear the words or winds from outside

I feel numb and can't feel the pains

Not mine and certainly not yours either

I've thought so long and hard

I don't want any second chances

I don't need another chance to re break your heart

Which in turn will destroy me and whatever is left

So When I drive during the day

My music plays and I sing along

My voice crackles and breaks for you

Every single sentence end with I'm so very sorry

Apologies for pains inflicted

After the fact and meaningless

I look for your face amongst the traffic

I hope you're ok , I'll be on my way

I saw myself in a windows reflection the other day

If only my internal angst were visible

My disgust and self mis-trust

I would lock myself inside forever 

I keep trying to punch and hurt myself

I keep missing because there's nothing left to destroy

The world is new can I adapt

There's a positive place in the corner I haven't tried yet

i

The Wait

 Weary and worn out 

I refresh with a new day

Play my music as I drive along

A visit  to the gym and start all over

So many things on my mind

Something new , something old

So much in my life is about to change

New beginnings Tomorrow waits

Yesterdays clouds still overhead

Reminders all around that fill my mind

Good thoughts, bad thoughts 

Thoughts that make no sense at all

I still wait for that final call

That will move the needle to the next position

I'm stuck in the mud and cannot move

Parked in neutral with somewhere to go 

My heart is racing although it's broken

My brain is clogged with yesterday and tomorrow

My body heals at a very slow pace

My life in a holding pattern waiting in a line

I trust and believe the best of them all

My visions lack clarity and stare at the fog

One day I will see the value of it all

Lifelong lessons and hard knocks

Move On

 Been doing some thinking lately

Not too much, just enough to give me a headache

Processing where I am and where I came from

Figuring out where I want to be

What do I want to be?

Am I free, single and ready to roll out

Be myself as I've been told

Being a better person should be my goal

I don't necessarily like where I come from

Being addicted to doing the wrong things

Temporary fulfillment for a lifetime of guilt

Nothing is ever worth the pain

As my thought process rolls along

I am appreciative of my support group and love them all

If I could only love my self enough

To catch myself before I fall

I realize that There's no turning back

The wife , the house and dog are all gone

A death of sorts that I killed myself

I have no excuses only regrets

But I will say I've gained an understanding

I think more before I speak, or act

Realizing the impact of what I say or do

Can turn out catastrophic as my personal past

I no longer seek out reparations for what I've done

Evidently the damage is done and I can't fix it

But I'll never know the final story

The book was closed before it was finished

I can no longer ask for forgiveness

It's never coming and for that I'm sad

But I can't live for the waiting and expectations

This is all out of my hands

The silence screams out answers

So loud and very clear

Yes I know I left a better place and life

But gave a life back to a better future

There are no more "One Day's" for me

The future does what the future will do

My contributions have been made

My debts have been collected and I've paid the man

There's something about time away from life

There really is another road travelled

When I become engrossed in my negativity

It takes me away from the place that makes me happy

I continually try to be a better man

A better brother friend and Ex to many

I can't cover the bases like I once did

It's no longer a requirement so I rest in Peace

My Question

 I have a few questions I need to ask

I won't receive any answers I expect that

The questions I have are very simple

The answers too complex to honestly answer

To be on the punching end is not my choice

I've been on the receiving end before

I preferred it better to where I am 

I owned that decision whether it was mine or not

I have no grievances in my life

I can look back on choices and accept their fate

The powerless feeling of wondering and waiting

For the end to come and go

I can hold on to a glimmer of hope

To bring you back to my inner circle

I don't want to dwell on my failures and pain

I just want a friend again

For months I've been fighting myself

Not allowing myself to move beyond my failures

I feel like I'm progressing to a better place

And accepting the pain as part of being me

My goals and my aspirations are self-serving

My Family, my health and my frame of mind

I can see a solemn tomorrow as a matter of truth

I can move beyond those who won't forgive me

The question I will ask you now

Is your life better with me gone

Is your world a better, more peaceful place

Your answers will tell me no lies

Talking To Myself

 I'm in an odd place emotionally right now

I'm angry and yet appreciative if that makes sense

Angry at the fact that people have turned their backs on me

Hurt at the fact that they just don't care

I've made the mistakes that can't be reversed

The hurting continues and it doesn't appear to slow down

I can't get a text or call returned anymore

I'm dead to the world I loved so dearly

My place here today is moving very quickly

My mind and thoughts take me so far away

I want some peace and tranquility in my life

Even though I won't ever be forgiven

At some point I must cut away

From being the peacemaker and fixing all of the broken parts

I can't ask for forgiveness when I won't forgive myself

I just can't expect to be fully understood

I walked away when I knew it was wrong

You walked away without a fight

Maybe this road travelled before

The traffic jam and the heartbreak it brings

I don't know you anymore

The person that held it all together

I was the rock and Pillar so you told me

Now I'm rubble at the side of the road

I'm a stranger in a familiar place 

I'm in danger of becoming a shadow of myself

Put my stock in an angry unknown

I'm angry too but won't be heard

I look for help because I know it's there

I'm proud and walk away from that helping hand

I run away from my own advice

I'm talking to people who have turned their backs

Just A Thought

 THIS WAS ALL WRITTEN IN ANGER AND DOES NOT REFLECT THE WAY I REALLY FEEL ABOUT MY LIFE, LOVED ONES CURRENT AND PAST. I WAS TEMPORARILY IN A BAD PLACE AND HAVE SINCE REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS RATHER THAN TAKE IT DOWN I WILL LEAVE THIS HERE AS A REMINDER OF WHERE I CAN GO OFF TRACK AND HOW I CAN REEL MYSELF BACK IN. TO ANYONE I MAY HAVE OFFENDED APOLOGIES ALL AROUND!

I remember thinking that life and people were for the most part a good thing. As I've aged and near retirement, I take a different look at myself and the life I will leave behind. The loves of my life aren't that important anymore. I'm too selfish to care and unable to feel much anymore. I've lost my ability to love and appreciate the things that were so important to me. I've lost wives, kids and grandchildren to my own doing, I will own that and be truthful to myself in stating. I am a flawed man living in a flawed world and I never did enjoy it much. I tried to make a difference where I could and for the life of me can't see what good I have done. This may appear to be a pessimistic view of things, for me this is all reality. No rainbows and puppy dogs for me just the reality of being an asshole and watching the shit flow freely, knowing my life could have been so much better but it never got a chance thanks to me. All of this is not a reflection of recent changes in my life. Things happen the way they are supposed to and I'm not powerful enough to change any of that. For the first time ever I've looked at my life for what it really is, a failure and waste of many peoples' time and efforts! I tried so hard to be happy and live a good healthy life but never seemed to get there. There was always something missing!

Remember To Forget

 The weather outside is dreary, overcast

It's been a good day so far

Hope the sun shines through

To brighten up the streets and skies

I'd love to take a drive somewhere

Take my cameras and shoot away

Something different with a different feeling

A feeling that I've never felt before

I would love to drive anywhere

No destination in mind

Take me away with my music in my ear

Sing along even though I can't dance anymore

The tunes in my head 

Take me to greater places

They take me to sad times too

They remind me that I have a past and maybe a future

I hide my feelings in my chest

I try so hard to solve my own shit

The truth of the matter is it can't be done

But I fool myself and carry on

I'm nearing a crossroads in my life

There's so much to be done if time allows

I have a plan to make amends

To myself for being my own worst enemy

If I pull away and run real far

Reimagine and reinvent myself

To a better person and a better place

Me and my thought alone in an empty space

My virtue and my purpose in life

Was lost and buried in a backyard spot

I played and roamed and threw a ball

Hitting rocks and breaking windows

That memory of the roadside load

I'd gather the pebbles and bring them home

I was Mickey Mantle and Willie Mays

Swinging the bat from either side

I gave away that life and home

My memories are etched in stone 

My Puppies and my muddy field

Concrete and steppingstone covered it up

Onward I travel I am looking back

Will my travels be worthy of my lost opportunities

To live the dream and die together

I must have thought there was something better

When the sun goes down and I'm out of gas

Will they figure it out or need my help

A complex mind in an impossible world

I've shared my grievance for all to see

It's Just Reality

Nearing midnight I'm wide awake

No sleep aid for me tonight

Just a weary mind with my body dragging behind

I can feel a thought-filled sleepless night

When the morning comes I'm thankful 

One day closer to where I want to be 

A day closer of where I'm needed

Not just another day

I look to my past which is now my future

My boys so close yet farther than I need

My feeling of desperation subsides 

To the realities of many unknown facts

My family had adopted me 

Taken me in and held me close

Someday soon I'll cut my loving ties

A trip to somewhere and nowhere at all

I held out my hand once, it was slapped down

I held out my hand a second time

I chopped the other hand to make it right

No hands ,no rings just wasted dreams

Feeling a dizzy spin in my head today

I went for a lonely drive today

The tight and twisty roads of my life

Where I had tempted death before

It brought out exhilarating emotions

My ear pieces with music blaring loud

With each turn something deadly warned

So I sold the bikes and tried to grow up

So much shared and how much I cared

To include you in my hobbies 

You gave your all before our fall

Tattoos that no longer exist 

I saw a picture on the mantle

Which made me proud and sad all in one

A journey that I should have shared with you

But instead it's dinner for one

A day away,a world away

It all feels the same to me

A child loses their innocence in life 

While a man tries to ruin his own

Angels Fly Away

 One of my best friends and allies

I met when I was very young

The queen to my brother

The goodness in us all

Life is about learning

I've learned so much from her

She was raised by an Angel

And became one herself

We share a past of travel

Moving from state to state

They both worked hard 

And are rewarded with each other every day

My wonderful Suzie

I hurt and disappointed her so much

I never thought I could disappoint so much

Now I've lost two of my best friends

The hurt and shock to her system

Processing very very slowly

I can't fix this broken relationship either 

Take another loss to my soul

She would check on me frequently

Asking if I needed a coffee or snack

I miss those days replaced with no response

But its where this relationship is at

I'm glad Terria has a friend

I've lost them both for what I've done

I have turned my focus in a different direction

The solitude of a two lane highway

Consequence

 I've tried so hard to hold back

To negativity and the bitterness

I've broken so many things in my life

I have no one here to blame

My wife and children left me

I didn't agree but I understand

I wanted to fix my broken parts

Where would I start I was never given that chance

In talking to people 

They all say the same thing

You've made your mistakes and owned them all

Move along and work on your future

My future is retirement

I had 7 grandchildren now 2

It breaks my heart that I've lost my kids

I would love a chance to hold their hands and squeeze them tightly

My anger is self-directed

Fixated on mending fences and lives

I now realize forgiveness is never coming

I must shrink my world even more

I limit my scope of awareness

My thoughts and worries handpicked for their valor

I can't re-ignite the blown-out flame

So I'll try to start my own forest fire

Goodnight, goodbye maybe see you soon?

I hope your new life is so much better

I've forced your hand to make these changes

I put myself in the world of the unknown

I Don't Know

 I don't really know why you hate me so

Don't know why you walked away

Still don't know where you've been

I just don't know

I can't say I'm sorry ever again

I won't ever question where I've been

I already realized it makes you mad

You're exactly like your mom

Too much time has come and gone

To give a damn about how I'm feeling

I never realized that humanity has an on/off button

You'll never turn it on

I can't replace your presence in my life

I can only remember when you said goodbye

Cold, angry and unforgiving

A sad and eye-opening day

I'm not angry, bitter or hurt anymore

I'm disappointed that you became that which you despised

Vengeful, hurtful and holding a grudge

I lack the perfection you so desperately needed

I'm flawed and you knew it

I was an asshole I told you so

I failed you as we knew I would

I should have done drugs or murdered someone you knew

I never sought out perfection

Nor mediocrity, it's beyond my scope

The path of least resistance leaves me alone tonight

I guess it's better to be alone now than when I was young

I know Tomorrow brings many surprises

It sends me into the unknown

I don't need answers right now

I will drive myself where I need to be

For every loss incurred in this life

Is a potential gain that I don't yet know

I have faith in many things in this life

This world and its' people are not at the front of the line

With respect to those I've disappointed

I've tried my best to make amends

It takes two to come to an understanding

But I can't make you feel or see where I'm at

To my kids and little ones'

My love never stops if I don't see you 

My thoughts are always with you

My mistakes have taken you away for now

Again I say goodbye

To hopefully say hello again

My life is much different now

I pray you'll be a part of it again soon

Pain in Knowledge

 It's quite a feeling to know yourself

I know so much that I wished I didn't

It hurts to carry the constant load

Yesterdays' garbage has yet to be disposed of

A conversation with a friend

An old poem that I had written

Brings me back to another time

I had thought I left behind

Yes I'm hard on myself

Beaten my self up over things I've done

Beating myself up for things I haven't done yet

I've got to wipe my slate clean

The knowledge to know what you're capable of doing

To understand how far I've fallen

The fears of failure have come to fruition

I have no friends, only my family

As I approach my final days as a working man

Many chuckle at the thought that I ever worked

I was blessed with a stress-free career path

Three short months until I call it quits

I hold onto my troubled past

My mistakes and misunderstandings

People I loved are no longer a part of my life

I have memories that haunt and accentuate my losses

Tomorrow doesn't bring hope but an opportunity

To run away and be myself

No responsibilities or worries about another persons' life

Don't much care about my own but will act As If

Changes

 Forward marching looking over the hill

I'm still not there but gaining ground

The future you dream about was very near

I look over the horizon to a new playing field

What I had thought to be my future

Is an afterthought of what once was

A dream only days away

The goalpost moved to another venue

Searching for the common ground

Looking for my place in the wake

Tumultuous waters and a storms surge

The eye of my hurricane can't be found

I don't often wonder where you are 

As much as how you are and do you smile

I talk to myself and write to myself

About my losses, my present and future plans

I have no plan in my retirement years

I had a plan that went up in tears

I have ideas and I have some plans

A lonely drive across this land

A picturesque spot that I've never seen

A landscape, a portrait of a pretty woman

A homeless man that I just gave $5

His story is so much worse than mine

It reminds me a trip to Seattle

I spoke for an hour to a homeless man 

He had his faculties and his wits

But he lost his family and his kids

I am that emotionally homeless man

My former family has a new plan

I'm very sad for my outcome

I'm very happy that she is free and done

I guess I won't ever know

My last words spoken a few days ago

My grief doesn't come from me losing it all

My deepest sadness is that I couldn't be perfect

Passed on by and left unattended

nobody calls I've been unfriended

I never understood taking sides

I guess I've never had my own friends

When people say they love you

It should be forever unconditionally

You don't have to live with me just act as if I exist

Funny, if I were a murderer, you will still be talking to me

Hurricane Greg

 I feel I'm reaching a crossroads in my mind

I feel I'm trying to accept the hand I was dealt

The health, personal and miscellaneous drama

Are a spoke in the wheel of life

I can't change much in my life

I can try harder to understand

Efforts to do what I can, when I can

A trip to the gym at lunchtime

I can't make people feel a certain way

I can't count on forgiveness that may never come

If I continue to beat myself up for things I've done

The things I do will be littered with unnecessary guilt

I've lost some loved ones

They have all disappeared

As if I was never an integral part of their lives

To live such a narrow vengeful existence, I guess they have their reasons

So I move forward 

Look towards what I have to enjoy

Look away from the things I've destroyed

Hurricane Greg has come and gone

Kind Gesture

 A loving gesture goes a long way

An offer most could not refuse

An offer most should not refuse

I defer to my pride and better judgement

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

Your heart is always in the right place

Take some time to give to yourself

Let someone else give to you a little bit

I don't feel that great

I have days that are better than the others

I struggle sometimes to get out of bed

Struggle more to get out of my own way

I have people looking after me

I have love in my corner

I have pity parties every now and then 

I saw a woman in a wheelchair with no legs

Life Isn't always fair I know

I won't complain I don't have that right

I'm taken care of whether I want it or not

From every angle and aspect of my life

Thank you all who truly care

My appreciation cannot be measured

Today has its' challenges I'm willing to battle

There are no guarantees that tomorrow can offer

My Trigger

 I've really have to stop listening to music

There's a trigger behind every stanza it appears

Driving home from a lunchtime workout

I hear Jessie's Girl on the radio

My immediate reaction was to change the song

My gut reaction was to listen to it start to finish

So I finished the old classic song

Had to wipe my face from tears more than once

The pains are a song or a favorite place away

Surfacing constantly and I 'm always hurting

Maybe I should accept the facts

This is my new normal without her in my life

I realize my mistakes and broken vows

I honestly believe things could have been mended

I also believe I opened the door

For her to be worry free forevermore

Shame on me, shame on you

Pride and ego overshadowed your forgiving ability

I wanted so much another chance

Instead I hold memories and another hard song

I Fear

 I fear many things in this life

It's not a heart attack for a man with a bad heart

Nor is it falling down and not getting up

I fear I'm going to think myself to death

Too many bad thoughts and memories

Plague me,  keeping me up at night

Stressing things I can't change

Just picking up the pieces on the ground

I am a few months away from retirement

I ask myself what am I going to do

I'm dead to my step sons and grandchildren

But I have my son and my 2 grandsons

I'm afraid I won't see them enough

Will they ever know me 

I fear they won't but I'm making an effort

I can't wait to see them again

I'm so afraid I'll focus in the negativity of all that's lost

When I should treasure what I still have

I always had different plans for my retirement years

I fear growing old and miserable

Big Brother

 My big brother stopped by the house the other day

Doing his typical big brother line of questioning

We talk Baseball, Dodger Baseball of course

After our Baseball talk Life took over

He then asked me why I wasn't socially active

Why I'm not out with friends, male or female

I didn't know how to answer this really

So I thought about it a bit

He proceeded to tell me that I always had friends

People would gravitate to me he would say

I said yeah all females with issues that wanted me to fix for them

He laughed and said yeah I remember that

He said I should consider seeing people going out

He stressed that I'm such a social easy to talk to person

I told him , I can't do that right now for many reasons

Just finalizing my divorce and feeling the sting of it all

I then was very honest with him

I said I cannot be responsible for someone else's heart and their feelings

Too much responsibility 

 I'm incapable of all the above

I told my big brother that it's so different now

Women my age carry the same baggage that I do 

Women my age want a devoted person by their side

I can't do any of that

I didn't protect the best things I ever had

How can I possibly have the energy or desire to start over

I've had my fun over the years, definition of fun????

Some of us are better put in storage where they can't break anything

Maybe I am wasting the last years of my life

I would rather hide away

Then to inflict pain, deceit and infidelity to anybody else

Alone again naturally!

So Big brother , I have one friend who stands by me

I've had many so-called friends choose sides and I lost

My hair stylist won't even cut my hair anymore

I guess I've paid the price with interest

I thanked my brother for asking me how I was doing

Where I'm at and my head space on things

My brother and my sisters are amazing

If I murdered somebody I'd have more friends and visitors than I do now

Nothing Is Typical Anymore

Typical Sunday morning for me today

Wake up after nine,  rush to the coffee machine

Pour it while it's hot

Oh, don't forget the morning pills

I actually had a plan today and stuck to it

Go to the gym before 12

Get back to watch the Baseball game at 1pm

Shower and go take some pictures at the beaches and Harbors close by

Feeling pretty good today amped about busting out the Camera

Which one to take out was a chore

Sunny 70 degree so Cal days are amazing

The pictures were great and ready to edit

Throughout my travels today I play my musical playlists

There are so many triggers for me in my music

One song after another brings back great memories

Then I realize that's all past history

I can't relive or tell the story

Who do I tell it to

Everyone has gone away

Further away than I'd like

Can I ever enjoy the simple pleasures

Will I always be reminded of yesterday forever

Does time really take care of it all

I'm still a fuck up why would it

What started out as a seemingly productive carefree day

Became a heavy-hearted affair with internal wailing

I wonder if Terria feels this shitty still?

Maybe one day I'll know

I'm really tired of feeling defeated

My body and soul have let me down so much

I'm fighting to salvage what's left of my life

Trying to make a difference wherever I can

I Miss You

 I just can't get her out of my head

I don't want too either

Let me dwell on the love I lost

Such a meaningless way to end your life

I'm not dead yet

But I just as well should be

Losing my will to see beyond my mistakes

Forever to dwell until the new day

I can't look back too far it hurts too much

I can't go to my favorite places

She was sitting there next to me

A bad dream of a great memory

I still see that face, those gestures

I can hear the laughs but also the cries

She took care of me when I crashed my bike

She took care of me when I ruined her life

There's nothing I could ever say

To make her pains subside

I wonder if she thinks of me

Or even cares if I'm alive?

I'm beyond sorry for disappointing you

My kids and the life I threw away

I want that chance before I die

To sit with you and look you in the eye

I miss everything about our journey

Our plans to see it through

I'm retiring and was going to wait for you

Now I don't know what I'll do

It's so hard to travel that road alone

We were friends, fell in love and married one day

The world collapsed and anger and bitterness ensued

I would love to start a fresh, productive a new memory soon

Incomplete

 I know I'm my biggest critic

Harshest and honest critic

Looking back on my life's work

Of course I see the faults

I look at how I've treated people

How I could have been better

From Parenting to Marital attempts

What will my grandchildren remember the most?

I've made 2 attempts at marriage

Each one failed for their own reasons

I was a terrible husband on both accounts

I didn't see it all back then

Being a father at a relatively young age

I wasn't prepared for the task at hand

I've learned that yesterday's apathy

Are the reasons for today's therapy sessions

I thought I knew how to love

Instead I tried to teach

Lessons of right from wrong

When all that was needed was a big hug

I don't have many friends

The best ones are sparse at best

I don't go out of my way to keep in touch

But we know where each other are

It seems I'm good at breaking hearts and promises

The Golden Rule should be applied right here

I have forgotten my place in this world

But have done thing I'll never forget

I have looked at my life with honest eyes

So much failure and compromise

Spent so much of my life objectifying

It cost me everything I've loved

I never got to say goodbye to my kids

I never said goodbye to my wife

I only said hello to a new life

That I still don't understand

So I was a terrible Husband and Father

Not much of a friend 

MY grandkids may see it differently

How could I be so bad at so many things

Shut Up And Listen

 Growing up I would always listen

To every conversation absorbing like a sponge

I was enamored with words and gestures

People talking with their hands

I watched and I learned how people communicated

Telling their story as if it really mattered

Sometimes the words were in Spanish

But I would follow the quirky gestures

In all this time I too have been observed

By my family friends and children

I wonder if they learned anything

From my self-serving banter

I wonder if I've left anything tangible

That they can take with them as a learning lesson

I have instructed ,directed and made my opinions heard

But was there anything constructive that was said

I feel I have nothing to pass along

A lesson that was learned

A quality that was admired

Did they leave the room when I appeared

I've always had that ability to speak my mind

Always very proud of what was said

In looking back I shake my head

I really had nothing to say

Maybe I should have listened more 

you learn so much when you do

It's like talking during the movie

Nobody is there to listen to you

A Cry That Kills

 I recall one time in grade school

School had ended and kids were running home

I was walking home with a friend

I saw a classmate of mine trip and fall very hard

She sat there on the sidewalk wailing at the top of her lungs

Blood on her knees and on her flowery dress

I remember that day, that cry, the plea for help

I stood there and watched her pain and it hurt me

To this day when a child cries I cry inside too

My empathetic heart has had capabilities

To care and to make their pain go away

Why didn't I respond 15 years ago

My God I heard that cry and scream again

My wife, my wonderful wife flailing on our bed

I broke her heart and I tried to comfort her

Not knowing what to say or how to help

I stood silently and the wailing continued

I froze up and couldn't tell her it was ok

I still think about that night

But yet I did it to her again

I tried to figure out why she hasn't spoken to me 

Over 10 months and a silent reception

My first wife broke my heart

And I wanted to end her

I heard a little girl cry today

My heart unloaded and took me back

My bedroom with my wife curled up

Please make those cries go away

Now that the crying has stopped I want to feel again

I want to hear that voice, see those expressions

Ask her how she is doing inside

And hug her with all of the life I have left in my body

I miss you

I look for you when I'm out driving

I hope you answer my calls one day

I'd love to hear your voice

My Dull Rock

 There's a hammer in my heart

It's not breaking me in two

It's not mending its' fractured shell

It's something there to remind me

When life seems good

You have it all and use it all

But it's not enough

Where can I find me more

There's a diamond rattling in my shoes

It's a diamond but it hurts like hell

So I toss this precious stone by the wayside

I'll find another that I like better

In my search I've found nothing at all

But the reality that I may have made a grave mistake

With all of my resilience and confidence

I look for a stone which shines brighter than before

When reality slaps me in the face

I try to slap it back

The invisible man of wishful thinking

Is flailing in the dark

I've realized there are no more stones

No more diamonds in the rough

I can walk away from a beacon of brightness

And play with the dull rocks at the side of the road

Free From Me

 I'm not angry at the people I've loved

I'm not sad that they stopped loving me

When they yell Bomb ,you run

So they ran to a better place

I feel a sense of calm in my personal storm

I loved so much but never loved myself enough

There is a sense of tranquility 

Knowing that the ones I've loved are better now

I have never complained

I have never placed blame

All fingers were directed at me

I manned up and took one in the Balls

I will say the past few years have been difficult

The past 10 months have brought me much pain

Yet there is a sense of freedom 

Freedom from the worry of hurting and disappointing ever again

Rather than trying to offer up reasons

I have no excuses to go with my lack of reasoning

I have learned more about myself during this time

I know people are better off without me

I hear and song lyric

"Whenever you're on my mind"

I smile and know we loved this song

I don't run from memories I embrace them

I may be a bit somber

But I'm a better person now

A prisoner locked up 

Can never hurt another again

So when my messages go unanswered

I know one day you will answer 

Life is the way it should be

No worries no hurries just free from me

The End Brings Perfection

 I'm very bitter

Despondent in regards to the big picture

I don't fear the end result

I embrace it with both arms

I tasted the end result

It's in the air I can smell it

There's nothing wrong with feeling bad

It's the new norm like a cup of coffee

I've driven the roads to euphoria

I've crashed and burned from inside out

I've pissed blood and shit my pants

I was ready to go right then

I've been spared

Somebody once cared

My well being was so damn important

You got the House, the friends and the Dog

I'm not mad about that

My gift to you for fucking up your day

My gift to myself for fucking up my life

Too late It's already done

People can walk on by a man in the fetal position

Beaten and tattered and nobody checks on him

He's bleeding internally, he's wailing aloud

Everybody back to work nothing important here

I can say humanity has surprised me

They see me coming and they open all doors

They see me stumbling along behind my Walker

They rush to make sure I never open another door

The Gods, Karma and stars align

One day I walk and open my own doors again

I see my boy and my little ones

Pops and Papa G is paid his due and respects

I'm gone for good 

Never got to say goodbye or even hello

I'm a better man, a free man

I will never make another mistake

I'm Different

 I never know what the score is

Am I still losing ?is it over yet?

Will it ever end

The self doubt and negativity

I'm surrounded with love

I'm needed by those who matter most

I'm relevant on so many fronts

I look in the mirror and see wasted space

The man in the mirror tells no lies

The man in the mirror lived no truths

I can't get it out of my head

Destroying the world I had in my hands

I see troubles, I see patterns

None of which I investigated thoroughly

Status quo become broken dreams

With broken hearts strewn everywhere

If I could have changed what I needed to change

Would my life be any different

I'd still be looking for the fancy 2 wheels 

Now I push 4 plastic wheels everywhere I go

I've made mistakes, so many fucking mistakes

All seemingly equally as horrible as the next

All the way back to 2 marriages ago

I was flawed and ruined before I ever go to number two

As with everything I've said and done

I take ownership and not too proud

I will never run away from what I've done

Especially when God and Karma seem to be teaming up

I say forgive me, I ask why not

I've forgiven those who hurt me before

The winds of change blow away my clouds

The sun will burn me as I stand in place

I ask for forgiveness

But don't expect much in return

The pattern and playbook set long before I came along

Some people follow all the rules

People have come and left my life

People have been good to me

People keep telling me I'm such a good man

My qualities don't float and sink to the bottom

I can sell you a list of dirty laundry

I can buy myself a temporary solution

Give it a year I'll tire from it all

And replace with something brand new

Tomorrow brings a new shot at getting it right

New things, old problems same coping incompetence

I hear lines from a movie

You've made no progress

I'm the same infant child I was 61 years ago

I don't know anything worthwhile I can pass along

Only age without wisdom

The bad taste I leave in peoples' lives

I don't have a closing line

I don't know what's right from wrong

I've only done what felt good for now  

Reprocutions have no meaning in my world

I have nothing left to say

No more pleas to be understood

I couldn't explain my life in a million words

I don't feel the need to try

So Condemn me for being an asshole

Hate me for breaking your heart

I have had more taken away from me

Than I could have ever given in many lifetimes

I made the fatal mistake of trying to be good

So much perfection surrounded me

I was doomed to fail and proved that fact

Every day of my life

Failure is a harsh and biting word

Living that life has not been easy

Being a fuck up is all I recognize

It's who I really am

I quit when I should fight

I fight when its all over and done

I care when I shouldn't give 2 fucks

So I'll take one back and say Fuck You! if it applies

This IS How I Feel

 When I feel a thousand nails in my legs

The feeling of slipped discs and spurs lighting up like Christmas day

what I can feel in my feet hurts like hell

I can't turn my head my neck it's frozen shut

When I'm so weak It hurts to get up

When I'm finally up I can barely walk

Each calculated step thought through carefully

I'd hate to fall I can't get up

When a walk to the car is a marathon

The walk from the car to wherever I go scares me

Each day the Roulette of  trips to nowhere meaningful

Leave me with too many questions to answer

I'm tired and defeated

Secluded and in the dark

Too much pain inside and out

This is what I feel

Nothing Left But The End

 I've been fighting real hard

Healing emotionally and physically

Emotionally I don't give a shit

Physically I've given up

There is no purpose in a meaningless life

There are no reasons to fight anymore

I don't love myself or much else

I'm taking up space which can be better used

I was telling someone 

I've been dead for 4 years now

Sounds about right

I've lost my energy to live like this

I prayed last night for a heart attack

It never came so here I am 

I went to the gym today for whatever reason

I won't be around much longer what's the use

I've asked for forgiveness 

That's never going to happen

I've forgiven myself 

And I will forget about the rest

My bike crash should have killed me then

It fucking didn't and here everyone suffers

That truck tire I Rolled underneath 

Should have ended me then it's just my luck

'When I die I don't want to go heaven

I doubt I really have that choice

Lets get this shit over with

So I can leave my son everything I have

Hunter

 Hunter the bunter

Energetic fun loving little boy

Polar opposite of Aubrey

He wasnt' as affectionate or as loving

He could run all day

Papa could never chase him

He made me angry with his behavior

But he made me laugh because he is fun

I know he's like his father

self-absorbed and arrogant

He's only 8 there's a chance he grows 

Into the fine man his Father Ty has become

I miss my Hunter, not like I do Aubrey

But his magnetic and at times annoying personality

Make me feel like there's a void in my heart

I miss his little smile and attitude

Hunter I know will do something big

I wish I was there to see it all

My hopes are to hold them both

Aubrey, Hunter and Papa eating a good cheeseburger together

Aubrey

 I won't Lie , My Aubrey is special

She was my first grandchild 

My precious little Aubrey

Such a joy to look at and hold

My baby girl would laugh with me

Cry with me and make me cry

I can't watch a child cry

It hurts me so much so I cry too

Aubrey's nickname is Aubie Cake

Her first visit to a local deli

Their rotating Cake display at the entryway

She saw one and pointed and said Aubie Cake

I held her and squeezed her and never called her Aubrey again

My little girl was three years old then

She is 12 today and growing into her own

I am missing that growth

Taking Aubrey away from me is taking a part of my soul

Papa did a horrible thing

I'm being punished for something that doesn't involve Aubrey

But parents will protect their kids how they see fit

Losing my Terria was hard enough

Losing my Aubie Cake is too hard to take

I miss her hugs and pinching her cheeks

I called her cheeks biscuits,  they were so fluffy

Papa loves her so much

Papa should have protected his pot of gold

Now I sit here wondering to myself

Will they ever let me see my baby again

Aubrey ,Papa sends his tight hugs and kisses

My love will never fade away even if I don't get to see you

I just want you to be the best that you can

Papa is very sad but very proud of his Aubie Cake

Tuned Out

 Anybody who knows me well

Will know music is my refuge

I don't play music

I just have an eclectic collection and taste

Music has taken on many meanings today

I've shared my music with both of my spouses

They seemed to enjoy my tastes

With this love comes memories

Many songs I can't play anymore

For spouse #1 Tracy

Joe Jackson's " the other me"

Was a song I could not listen to without sobbing

Added to that list is one more former spouse #2 Terria

Perhaps a dozen songs that I can no longer play

Throw out Style council and Theory of a Deadman

These songs take me to places that were happy, now abandoned warehouses in my head

The fact that i shared many of the same songs with both 

Makes my double failure that much more poignant 

I stopped finding new music around 2012

Nothing new is worth my efforts

Do i play my old songs 

Runaway from a few

Hold onto memories just take away the song

A stretch of highway or a favorite restaurant?

I'm conflicted in my choices

The bad one's I've made

The songs and eateries I can't be a part of

Waiting for a call? But I have a good friend

Talk To Me Please

 A simple gesture is all I ask

 How are you doing

 go fuck yourself

Not much to ask at all

I ask myself why this is so

I can't calm your anger or disgust

I have no idea what I need to do

Should I stay or should I go

I've been all over the map here

Solving pains with a broken heart

I can't really say what I'd say to you

Your disgusted look will break my soul

I can't drive by the house

I fear I'll stop and not want to leave

I stay away from my old house

But I can't hide the way I feel

If I saw you today I'd ask for a hug

A regrettable way to say I'm sorry

you'll never look at me the same way again

I'll never forget the first time I saw you

The Sun Doesn't Shine (It's Dark)

 Today is a very somber day for me

I hear the problems of others, and it takes me to my own

I hold on and fear I'll never let go

Only death allows me freedom from this hell

I hurt inside and out

The body pains I can deal with that

My emotional plight

Takes me to the darkest places that seem so far from here

It's dark inside, there is no light

I fear my life is over

But for some fucked up reasons

I live to fight another day

Another day is here 

I'm as lost as I was yesterday

Does tomorrow come with high hopes

More disappointment that I may not be prepared

My eyes are watered and swollen

MY heart is cracked and dry

My soul has abandoned me years ago

I'm a heartless man without a soul

I pray, I pray and pray some more

For the first time in my life I don't pray for myself

I think of my lost ones',wife,kids, grandkids

And don't deserve them at all

I've beaten myself up, kicked my own ass

It's redundant, tiresome and I refuse to continue

With each thought comes a negative answer

Each breath brings me closer to the fork in the road

When is it time to fight this fight

Where do I go when I lose again

In suspension and losing my wits

Purgatory for the losers in life

Which way should I jump

Into a river that flows away

Off the bridge to a concrete jungle

I won't trouble the lord he has better people to save

Yes it's dark and very painful

I miss my boys I hardly know

I miss the life I used to know

But none of it was real to me

I always wanted more than I had

Greener grass or Septic gardens

No appreciation for the greedy soul

Try living on the poor side of town you Fucking Fool

I've Lost

 I can't even begin to describe my loss

I can't even try to tell you my pain

The loss and pain over again

Daily reminders of where I had been

I reach out but you're not there

I assume you no longer  care

I remind myself I'm to blame

It should be a different tune I'm playing in my head

I miss the sounds and names we made up

The anticipation of your arrival

I see you walking through the door

Those days aren't coming back anymore

I miss the wild rides along the coast

The conversations that I loved the most

Sharing thoughts and sharing dreams

Our children playing and happy screams

Thinking about the home I was born into

So many thoughts of my mom and dad

My siblings and the family dog

You now own our house and my little Drew Dog

They say forgiveness can be a timeless thing

Setting me free and the joy it would bring

You're still angry I get it, I do

My world seems empty when there's no YOU!

I live with my choices and my regrets

My sun still rises but never sets

I'm awake all night with thoughts and remorse

Infidelity and a painful divorce

I miss the love you gave to me

The world was mine for all to see 

Life lost it's innocence and became really dark

I'm a soul less man living in some park

The trips, the drives the nightly talks

Have become writing in a journal and feeling really small

I shed my armor and show my hand

I'm a cripple now trudging through the sand

Why do I feel I deserve this plight

I'm ok with it because its just and seems right

Punishments for years of being an asshole

I told you so, I told you so!

I've lost most everything that matters

Our dreams are lost as we find a new way

To my little ones who never said goodbye

Your PAPA says sorry but I tried really tried

To everything I have lost

To Everything I miss

I will leave my mark in all of the wrong ways

I will always try to be "The OTHER ME"

Answers

 So many questions still unanswered

My patience is dying a very quick death

My health, my state of mind

Are so far from being healthy

My amazing Cardiologist gives me reasons to hope

I won't die from my heart tomorrow

My Neurosurgeon tells me nothing yet

So I stumble and fumble to walk

Certain days I'm over it

Other times I want to quit

I've missed 2 days from the gym

I'm feeling guilty and out of sorts

A break in routine throws me off

I do what I do how I think it should be done

Sometimes the mind and body

Don't speak the same language

The waiting game for some sort of answer

Why am I feeling this way and what is the cause

Is there are cure for my weakening stride

The bathroom seems so far away

It has changed my life and the way I live

I don't go out much it's too hard to get around

My mobility has gotten worse

My will to carry on this way is nearing its end

I want to know what

And I want to know why

I need to know How

I needs answers before I go crazy

Let US Pray

I thought I had something to talk about tonight

I've lost my train of thought and my interest

More important things going on right now

So I pray for the Mccarthy family tonight

On That Day

 When a friend of mine sends me bible verses

Am I really that damaged 

Do we have a thumper amongst us

Where did that come from

Yes I've made some serious mistakes

And have asked for forgiveness from my God

I'm not religious but have read the Bible many time 

Hoping for a better interpretation that I understand

I'm not a religious person but very spiritually in tuned 

I see the good in everything until proven otherwise

I do my best not to judge, asking for forgiveness when I do

After reading the  Bible so many times, I end up with the Golden rule

I can't quote much scripture but I can tell you right from wrong

I won't tell  you how to live your life, I'm No Republican

I can only try to be a good person limiting my mistakes

I have made too many and still ask to be forgiven

In the end when they tally up the score

No one, not myself or their opinion will matter

We are chosen by a higher being and a much higher standard

I believe most of us greedy, lying cheaters will probably end up in Hell. if not here already

The Way It Is

 My resilience is wearing thin

Given in to my my limitations

I realize that the end comes soon

There is nothing I can do

The ending has its' own timeframe

I'm not in a hurry but not afraid

When the Doctor says you'll be alright

You're full of shit now fix my broken body

I somehow find the will to carry on

I find my way to the gym

I struggle get from the car to my first set

I struggle getting to my next machine

This struggle gives me so much joy

I punish myself because I've treated myself before

Overindulgence of the good and the bad

I've reaped the benefits and drawbacks and pay the price today

I've lost my love and I've lost my life

I found my family so very close by

I've realized that the mistakes I've made

Have set her free to live a better life

A life which we planned to die together

A dream broken by a broken man

I'm not proud of my choices but I own them all

And I live in this reality of loss and sadness

In looking forward I can't see too much

The questions asked have yet to be answered

Will I walk again or live with a 4 wheeled friend?

I will die trying and do my part 

It's A Struggle

 It's been too long since I've enjoyed the simple things

I'm too focused on the pains and aches of life and body

The daily struggles to get around are just that 

Struggles that I am very tired of dealing with

People say that adversity can build character

Well I must be an academy award winning Mother fucker

It hurts so much to remember the past

When I couldn't sit still and was riding, running and carrying a bat or a racket

Now I try to get out a do my picture taking

Photography is a relatively new found joy

Mobility is required to do it well

I'll settle for ok on a Cadillac Walker

Still waiting on a call from my lost friend

The call I don't expect to come

But I hope and wait nonetheless

What else do I have to do today

Life's mistakes are what they are

I can't go back a rewrite was has been scripted

So today I workaround and get around the reality and pain

And physically deal with my own 

I've been given so many gifts in my life

Wonderful loves and amazing family support

I will never complain for the life I've lived so far

When my time comes I simply say thank you!

Paralysis

 Everything in my body is numb

The only thing I can feel are hallucinations at night

I can't sleep , I can't dream

I can only think of everything I've lost

My body has left me 

My mind is lost

The days are shorter and nights are forever

Sometimes I don't want to be here anymore

This must be what purgatory feels like

Right before I go to hell

I've been dead for awhile now

My body just won't cooperate

I'm alone in my mind

Thoughts too negative to share 

So I hold my ground and await 

Whatever my dreary future will bring

I don't miss the misery I've created

I live with it everyday

I cope and hope for simple things

A bathroom visit that comes on time

My memories don't matter much anymore

I have forgotten what made me happy

It's quite alright I'm where I am

Punishments for crimes committed

What Is Next

 I wait for answers that may not come

Another Doctor appointment 

More questions to be asked

So an impatient man waits and waits

The unknown all too common

Wandering through the days waiting for a call

Good news? Bad news or just another unanswered call

The wait is killing me inside

Moving forward with my life

Looking forward still peaking back

Waiting for that phone to ring

But it's from Scam Likely 

I expect too much

I don't realize what I've done

I would have received a call by now 

If I had murdered someone instead of cheating 

The pity parties are long over

The healing has been slow 

I'm a cripple in my body and soul

I've ditched my crutch for a 4 wheeled friend

Closure for me is a call,a text ,a letter in the mail 

The doors of my pain are wide open 

Where all I have left is unrealistic hoping

And the power to do nothing but wait

My New Friend

 I met a new friend here recently

Not a new one in the true sense of the word

But a friend from days gone by

Where mistakes were made and forgiveness was granted

More than a friend but my partner

From a previous marriage we drifted for years

Our boys brought us back together

Now we worry in unison and try to help 

We stand back when we want to jump in

We are on standby to help where needed

my friend and I we talk for hours

Our 3 little boys that we can't get enough

We talk about the boys

 We share our ailments and injuries

Older bodies falling apart

We're not that old what the fuck!

It's really nice to have a sounding board

A familiar soul to understand the past

A person who help us plan our boys future

Just a good outlet to share a thought

Troubled times are in our past

We are sometimes reminded and it still hurts

Remnants of damage left behind 

we're ok but not everyone escaped scott free

I thank you friend for allowing me to speak

I can now hear you and listen well

so much is changing before our eyes

We'll continue to communicate for the first time

Black Out

 There's a text or an email coming your way

I hope you get it, I hope you read it.

More so I hope you respond

But I know it goes on empty eyes

You want me to leave you alone

I have tried so hard to give you time and space

Many months have gone on by

How much time and space will you need

I'm not asking for much

A hello would mean the world to me

Crickets and an empty page or response

I wonder what you're thinking

Forgiveness is a painful choice

Pain and sorrow get in the way

Is there something that could be said or done?

I'm alive but so very much dead to you

When you love you love unconditionally

We hope to never disappoint 

The realities of a flawed man

Too many to be considered for pardon

I reach out and nothing is there

I've asked to be heard but no one is listening

When does this Black out see the light

When a person try to do what's right

You've shut me down and turned me off

I don't exist and how can that be

I wait for the lights to be turned back on

This Black out is painful and the doors are all closed

Tomorrow I send you a message

Tomorrow I get no response

Each time I try to communicate

I  anxiously wait for your response

Time Off

 I've been on this forum nonstop since November.

I am running out of things to say and have been a one trick pony here for awhile now.

Most of what I've been writing has been of my feelings from my recent divorce and just overall bad disposition for so many reasons. I can honestly say that opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings has been good and therapeutic for my mind and soul

I am running on empty right now and have nothing positive or negative to add to any of the recent posts. There's quite a bit going on with me and plenty of unresolved deep feelings and emotions that I won't have answers to any time soon if ever

So I might take a few days away from here to refresh and replenish the mind to hopefully gather whatever clarity there is to see out there. I'm missing so many conversation and visits to familiar place with familiar people to share the days with. There will come a time when I can wash away the dirty laundry I'm bringing to this world right now. So I will bang my head a little bit and see if I can shake up some positivity and share it back to those who choose to listen. 

Monday is almost behind me now so I look over the fog and overcast to see rays of sunshine and brightness. Saying hello to those who choose not to respond back to me