Time Off

 I've been on this forum nonstop since November.

I am running out of things to say and have been a one trick pony here for awhile now.

Most of what I've been writing has been of my feelings from my recent divorce and just overall bad disposition for so many reasons. I can honestly say that opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings has been good and therapeutic for my mind and soul

I am running on empty right now and have nothing positive or negative to add to any of the recent posts. There's quite a bit going on with me and plenty of unresolved deep feelings and emotions that I won't have answers to any time soon if ever

So I might take a few days away from here to refresh and replenish the mind to hopefully gather whatever clarity there is to see out there. I'm missing so many conversation and visits to familiar place with familiar people to share the days with. There will come a time when I can wash away the dirty laundry I'm bringing to this world right now. So I will bang my head a little bit and see if I can shake up some positivity and share it back to those who choose to listen. 

Monday is almost behind me now so I look over the fog and overcast to see rays of sunshine and brightness. Saying hello to those who choose not to respond back to me 

The way it is

 There's a battle taking place right now

The mind and the body are going at it

The heart and soul are right next to it all

Waiting for some sort of outcome

It's wet and cold outside tonight

A weekend wasted on inclement weather

Another day to sit and think

Was it really supposed to be like this

I never imagined a feeble existence

I would never imagine being alone

But I guess fate has dealt me my hand

Play the cards that are on the table

I hope that tomorrow brings some hope

Nothing dramatic but a calm in the clouds

If the rains must fall upon me now

Give me some shelter and show me the way

Sorry and Goodbye

 I've never felt so sorry

But I've never felt sorry enough

This life I've wasted on frivolity

Has finally got the best of me

Too many times I've had an option

So many times the options were good

I could always find the worst of all options

I wear it like a cape of cowardice

I could never walk away from the depths of hate

When you hate yourself where do you go

This freight train running down the hill

Had brakes that I chose not to use

I've said goodbye to all that was great

Or it was told to me on my way out

I try not to look back it hurts too much

Complacent in all the wrong places

I say goodbye to my troubled past

My questionable future holds no boundaries

I try so hard to be a righteous man

Will my efforts mean anything in the end

Nobody who has been devastated wants to hear sorry

Show me proof that there has been change

When all I feel is sorrow and embarrassment

I can't fool myself any longer and won't try

The day of reckoning is upon me

The fork is there dividing my path

Which way should I jump is someone calling me

I'm not ready to go down that road yet

Shine the light

 I'm not going to pull any punches here

I'm at a point where I can't put one thought next to another

This mind numbing madness is getting the best of me

This seems so much more than depression

Depression makes people want to wear a bullet

I don't feel worthy of the 60 cents to spend

Makes me wonder why more people don't take their own lives

I could never do it, I'm much too vain

I miss so much of my former life

The love, comfort and warmth

To know someone loves you so much

And that I loved her back even more

The earth shattering emptiness inside

It's like an empty arena with room for thoughts

They're the thoughts that put people in the ground

They're the reason I must fight this fight

I know I miss my family so much

It saddens me to overthink it's magnitude on me

There's something in this to be learned

If there is I can't wait too much longer

Reassure me that there is a bright light up the road

A beacon that shines hope and some lasting peace

A sign that tells me she's going to be alright

And that I'm around to see her joy again

Where did it go?

 There are so many things trying to take over my brain right now

System overload involving Friday, the upcoming weekend

Not much room for negativity

Just staying with the basics and what I do best

I have dreams again about my former life

Taking me back to places and times. 

When things were normal and there was a routine

Only to wake up to the chaotic questions

It doesn't seem odd for me to go back in time

Too many good life experiences and fond memories

It was a better life with a world so small

A look across the table said it all

There was so much love that we shared

Funny stupid comments that we understood so well

To be be called dumb was a smart thing

Who can forget Frankie Frankfurter and the peeenut man

With life's complexities we lived a simple life

So much thought and passion went into our days

The end results don't indicate this world I owned

These results and actions have left me empty and alone.

I wonder if she's watching

I wonder if she cares

The struggles and the pains we both feel

And now I've fallen down the stairs

When I look up to the life I've left behind

I see the layers of degradation

My mind, my body and soul have left me

And I don't know where it all went

Not Much To Share

 It's truly a lazy day today

Physically not much energy and emotionally just paying the bills

Nobody rides for free

Nobody rides for fun

The daily ritual of looking out the window

Trying to determine the weather and state of mind

Should be curtailed by knowledge of impending rain

Really the weather shouldn't determine my mood

I am trying to alter my outlook

Putting too much emphasis on my failures

Inhibits any chance for positive growth

A pity party is not a fun party to be at

Winding down another day

Leaning into a good weekend

Looks like the weatherman won't be kind

And bless me with some warm Sunshine 

Where Am I?

 There's allot of moisture in the air

It's not rain or snow

There's a density pulling down from the sky

It's not good or bad it just is

I have yet to determine whether it be friend or foe

I can't leave it alone and let it die

What is this thing that puzzles me so

Too much time too many idle thoughts

Maybe there's some therapeutic value to this all

To move on from the doldrums into a fire

It might wake me up from this purgatorial state

Is purgatorial even a real word

I'm no wordsmith although I was touted as such

Don't believe a word I say it was probably made up

This oddly frightening place that I'm in

I wish I could start all over again

Here is now yesterday's long gone

There's a dream at the end of each sentence I wish were true

To wear the worlds pressure over my head

The sign will always read "room for rent"

Good Timing - Beach Boys

 Not a huge Beach Boys fan but this song I really like from my 10th grade year in HS

Resolve!

 After all of my transgressions today

I stop to wonder, how many others are out there tonight

Weeping , lonely and devastated

Some by their own actions, some at the hands of others

There is so much pain amongst us all

There is so much hatred and bitterness

Towards others and ourselves

Nothing is never good enough and nobody agrees with our bullshit

Nobody wants pity or people to feel bad

I surely don't, I could use a shoulder or a good ear

I'm usually that guy with both for others

Yet I have the same opportunities that they have yet I choose to go it alone

I break the very same advise I give

There is love all around us now

You've turned your back on it once before

Don't make the same mistakes again

I hear moment of silence cries when one dies

I'm still here fighting for my life and happiness

This fight will be without my wife

I'm ok with that because I know it's best for her

When the bell rings for my next round

I will come out on the offensive

Take this life by the throat 

And choke some life back into it.

Hits Like a Hammer

 So much for a day of indifference

I should've known better to assume the waters would remain calm

No, waves are splashing over my seaboard

I'm tired wet and cold

I'm tired from this beating I've given myself

I'm wet from tears of sadness that flow

I'm cold and shiver at the thought of life without you in it

So I cry tears of sadness, anger and fear

Got an email from the paralegal today

The documents for my divorce were all signed and sealed

This copy had a stamp with a name emblazoned across the page

As of 24 January I am legally divorced

This news was expected and it's now real

I'm officially no longer legally a part of my wife's life

I have to call her my ex I'm told, fuck that she will always be my wife.

This reality hit me like a hammer

My day and life changed forever

At my own hands I created this devastation

The point of no return

The point of what really matters anymore

As I said I've waited for this day to come

It's here now and I'm not ready

I somehow thought I would get a call

Come home honey let's fix this thing

Well my dreams and my realities certainly didn't mesh

I have pieces of myself strewn all over the place

My biggest thought tonight is her

Is she happy or as sad as I am right now

I thanked her for everything and said my parting goodbyes

Sadly this was over a text from which I got no reply

She gave me everything she had to give and gave so much more

I took the best years she had to give and spilled them on the floor

So Terria I say to you, what a wonderful gift you are

My memories of you are solid gold

Your heart so soft and full of love 

I can only wish the best for you and to our wonderful kids Aubrey,Hunter , Mandy and Ty 

Day Of Indifference

 A very good day for indifference

Nothing good or bad going on

Just another day of whatever

And all day to do it

Trying to look forward from this cloud of nothingness

Nothing's wrong or nothing incredibly right

Just nothing more than nothing

It's been sometime since it's been this way

Maybe a needed break from my mental overload

It's not easy when you get stuck in that place

But it's good to get away for a short while

Back to the grind to see where I'm at

It's been different for me lately 

I don't feel the constant sting of loss

It's here but it can stay away,but it hits so hard when it comes

I'm usually prepared for the worst case scenario

Part of me needs to feel the pain

Constant reminders of what's been done

It still bothers me to be be hated so much

But it's where I belong and I understand that

I'm in a place right now of always wondering

Hows she's doing , how are the kids

Are they still repulsed at the thought of me

That's assuming they even care

So this day of nothingness will carry on 

I will carry my baggage to the curb

In the hopes that it can be taken away

Everything will be here tomorrow 

Pay The Man!

 It's a stressful time of the year for some

Was reminded that tax paperwork is coming due

Tis the season to give more than you already have

Somebody has to pay for people on the county and state payrolls

It is a right of passage to pay our taxes

It's not right or left it's how goods and services are provided

I'm not going to argue those points

I'm just blessed to be in a position to make my contributions

It's tough to make things work in life

Some create our own good luck and bad

I can't judge the less fortunate than I

I can only be thankful I'm not in need

When when I write the check to Federal

 and state

And I will trust me it's a given at this point

I write it forget it and keep the pen ready til next year

This years tax season brings some impending changed

This will be our last year of filing joint

Everything has been changed to Self Only

It's an odd reality I will have to familiarize myself with 

Yay for Today

 Typical Monday start for me. 

Slow, methodical and a struggle to motivate

But that was earlier and time flies by

I'm ready for what the day brings me

The weekend seemed long and busier than normal

I was able to shoot two days in a row

I must find a car to drive real soon

I love to drive anywhere for no reason

I have to make sure I can safely drive

My legs are weak and lack full feeling

I also will lug around a walker

Inhibiting my mobility

I'll cross that road here real soon

And use my better judgement

It would be nice to get out and drive

To give myself some options

All in all I'm feeling better today

Both emotionally and physically

So I will see how it goes and day by day

I'll be closer to where I want be be

Wait until Tomorrow

Not a bad day today

it was warm, clear and bright

 I was able to get a couple hours of good sun time

More sun when I headed out for more pictures

I spent the morning playing with my Cameras

Tweak here, a change there it all worked out nice

Had a visit from my other sister today

My ears do bleed when she leaves,but a nice visit 

Picture went ok today

Restricted by crowds and parked cars

I had a small window to shoot the shots

I managed with limited access

The day was nice I was feeling Ice cream

Baskin Robbins was nearby

We stopped and got our favorite flavors

Headed home to upload my photos

Watched a little bit of football tonight

Some of the worst I'd ever seen

Pretty tired of the Bimbo and me show

Let the boy play and stay off the screen

Tomorrow begins another workweek

Less than a year and I'll be done

I thinking of writing a poetry book 

And maybe a photo book too

I'll have the time and material

So many eras to draw from

My current debacle or my last disaster

Pick one they're equally as sad

My creative side has taken me over

I've lost my love and thus lost my way

I'm going to do what I do best

Back myself into a corner and fight my way out

I have regrets I can't make go away

I have so many things I need to say

No reasons or excuses for who I am

I am who I am and that's all I've got

For who I am was not my master plan

I thought I'd be a better man

My world fell apart and I honestly won't know What tomorrow will bring

Or if tomorrow ever comes

The Cross-Ventura Ca.

From the Scenic over look in Ventua hills known as the cross

 

Looking for Redemption

 A very lazy Sunday morning

1 cup of coffee down and I'm trying to get motivated

It's breezy out this morning

But the sun shines bright today

I'm enjoying my time with my sister

Brother in law Tim still hasn't forgiven me

He had an interesting bond with Terria

He's disappointed and angry with me

I'm sitting on the front porch right now

Feeling a loneliness that's hard to describe

Is it missing what I no longer have

Or the fact that these are the remnants of what is left

This solo act I'm flying today makes me want to go out

Be in public, the farmers market, the promenade

Someplace where people are present

Take a camera and take pictures of happy people all around

It doesn't bother me so much anymore

To see couples holding hands , being affectionate

I was never a fan of PDA, but God knows I adored my Terria

If she were beside me right now I would never let her go

Times and circumstances change

That forever hug is forever gone to die

Unable to change the rivers flow

I watch my world float away

This is my destiny, to be alone, remorseful and sad at times

Nobody asked to go through this mess

But I rudely showed the way

Redemption and forgiveness are my battle cry. Help me!

Pacific Coast Highway-Mugu Rock

All Straight out of Camera No Edits

 

Peace , Tranquility and Reality

 It was a really nice 77 degree day on the PCH

I was taken to the iconic Mugu Rock

If you don't know what it's in 1/2 of all car commercials are filmed driving past

I was able to get in a quick 100 shots, 2 cameras and a perfect sun

There might not be a more tranquil place on earth

Blue Ocean water, ocean breeze and supercars everywhere

Not to mention the poop dropping birds

But they are welcomed it's their world

A nice 20 minute drive to the Rock

We went early enough to beat the crowd

The fragrant ocean air slap you across the face

Let's you know you're in the right place

My photography is another saving grace

Puts my mind in a better place to focus on the good

Had an interesting conversation with big sister about my situation

The world knows you  F'd up own it and move on

I thought of our friends, now her friends

Just how disappointed they must be

They are true and good to her and will help to ease her pain

Reminded of how expensive bad decisions can be

I didn't wander too far into the darkness, just dabbled near the shore

I know it's unhealthy to think about her

But I still love and don't want to her get away again

I can't turn off my love for her and I'm never going to forget

It's days like today that help me to realize how blessed I truly am

Even when the bottom falls out I will never hit the ground

This IS Where I Want To Go

 I've covered where I've been

Where I'm going and where I want to be are different

We all know the world Isn't always fair

Who am I to expect anything different

I just know I will find a soft landing spot

Remember I'm that fortunate guy

Still being amongst the turmoil and Murkiness

Not much is clear to see or even imagine

There will come a day of reckoning

I had better be ready when it comes

I want to be away from my nearest distractions

To focus in on the task in front of me

I'm thinking the task will be my health

My emotional wounds slowly stop bleeding

I don't want a relationship with anybody else

I can't be responsible enough to find it , keep it, make it work

IT's much to easy for me to repeat my past

I don't want to hurt anybody ever again

But Dammit I would do anything for another try with her

The day will come when I will be dealt some options 

They won't be the options I want and I will politely move on

I always want what I want and won't ever settle

I've had the best why would I go backwards

So staying put is like moving forward

That someday we will come to an understanding

I just want to talk, I just want a friend

I wonder if she will ever allow that to be

Getting back to long arduous journey

I have some time to grow and be better

Will I grow enough to be her friend

Will I ever be good enough to sit down beside her

My fears and questions that run through my mind

Am I already dead to her and it just won't matter

I just want to go where she is, a talk, a laugh or a cry

Just one more chance before I die

This Is Where I've Been

 It's a good morning, the sun is out going to be 70 today

Can't ask for a better way to head in the weekend

Looking forward to PCH and Mugu rock to shoot pictures

Cannot wait to get outside and get more sun

Last night was very stressful

Being honest and opening up can wear you down

I was battered and beaten

But like a good workout, it felt pretty good

I wish my honesty would have come earlier in my life

Years before I met Terria, I had a first wife

At the time we talked about growing old together

We never quite made it , I was only 30

So here I was a single parent trying to raise a 7 year old baby boy

No idea what I was doing so I errored on the side of tough love

MY first wife left us for another man

This destroyed my son and broke my soul

3  years of therapy for my boy

No therapy for me and the kettle began to simmer

Until I met my first wife I never felt worthy

She was a magic trick and I was fooled, poof there she went

It also turned out she was my best friends sister

I asked for permission, he said hell yes

I never wanted kids we talked about it 

She became pregnant, she was 20, I was 23.

I was a shock to us all, I didn't want kids she warmed me up to the idea

Many rough times and 7 years later

She left us for a better life

As it turns out she was diagnosed with mental issues, maybe that explains it all

I fought those years for my son, failed so much

He was not doing well and I needed to get him help now

We went to See Jan Baker, a special woman and even better Psychologist

She helped Brandon so much, she moved out of state the work wasn't finished

Brandon was so blessed to have an amazing grandmother, his Aunt was a definite plus in our lives

They helped me take care of my baby boy, so I could work and pay the bills

31 years have passed since then

He is a father of my 2 grandsons Fox and Wilder. Love

So there is a sense of incompletion

MY thoughts and memories of that time

I never processed my issues properly.

IS that why I'm incomplete now

It took me years to trust others, I feared I could be hurt again

So I dated 100's of women

Unfortunately most just for one night

This is something that still bothers me

That I hurt others long before this

The seed was planted early

The weeds were never picked

I still have the flashbacks of this era

Could have been the beginning of my end

I remember telling Terria "I'm an asshole" even back then

I know I wasn't wired for this this but she made it work so well

Gave me reasons to improve my life

And I did with all of her goodness

Then became what Is Modern Day Greg

That same asshole who will self destruct 

Taking everything that is good in my life and discarding like it never mattered

Yes I've carried someone else's garbage bag for years

I won't blame this for my current situation on this

Will I ever know who I am?

After my boatload of apologies

Broken promises broken hearts

I seek out salvation and forgiveness

And Yet I wonder how that works

Is a person supposed to get this many chances

To right all of the wrongs he's committed

I don't know how or why but I'm still supported, cared about and loved

Bitch Session

 My body hurts

My mind is in disarray

I try to find a positive angle

But my world is circular and redundant

My pains and grief are constant companions

As are my fears of going away

I fumble about dropping my things

At least I haven't fallen

I take every step as it could be my last

 I'm  so cautious it worries me 

All the aches , the pains and awkwardness

I have to wonder where it all ends

I have dueling battle going on 

My broken marriage

My broken body are fighting it out

I could deal with my pains

I'm having troubles with the fact that I'll Never see her again

Triggers!

 I have found over the past 2 1/2 months

There's this hidden agenda in plain view

There is an on off switch waiting to be turned on

Too many times it stops me where I stand

Renders me paralyzed and unable to function

What can I do to fight this scourge

This painful process like a cancer eats away at you

Doesn't allow you to emotionally recoup any thought process 

Its more than memories that make you sad

It's a trigger which makes you react poorly

Being angry and self destructive

You can stop caring and give up on life

I've been there and it's serious and very dangerous to let it all go

I deal with triggers everyday, for the past 30 years I fight it off

This hidden disaster waiting to happen

IT can be anything, a song, a commercial, movies any given location

My favorite restaurants on earth are now off limits to me

A walk through those doors would put me in the fetal position with fear, anger, gtief

That is not how I want to live

Here recently these issues have broken through the clouds

Yes since my Marital disillusionment became a reality

I've had my issues over the years

Some days ridiculously wishing I was was never born, or could I just go away

These poignant horrific thoughts are immediately made to go away

I live a great life with some complications, I'm good

I can honestly share this terrible mindset  and say

That so many triggers have invaded my world

Maybe it's the guilt, the fear of failing again

To never be trusted by the person I trust and love the most

This life is very ,very complex, each day presents a new set of challenges

I will fight this fight of triggers, guilt and ongoing sorrow

My Patience and my will to live will get me through tomorrow 

The Next Stop

 I can live another day

A day closer to figuring this all out

I really don't ask for much

But that the people I hurt go on and be productive

Another phone memory came my way yesterday

It was Terria and my boy Ty

He was hero of the game at a Dodger game

Soon to be a commissioned officer in the Army

We are proud of all the boys, each one brings something different

Sad to think that they won't talk to me anymore

I totally understand how hurting Mom is a definite DO NOT DO!

So I miss the boys and my beautiful Grandkids, I miss my wonderful wife

Taking a look forward I don't see them reaching out to me

If I'm dead to them then that's the way it must be

Someday things will be much clearer

For her to take back her slice of the world that I took away

Accountability, ownership and the will to grow

Stop being that person and just take control

Everything that mattered is now out of touch, out of my reach

I pray she never is hurt again

At the end of the tunnel

I can see some light

Must continue to travel and maintain the fight

Status quo just won't cut it anymore, look where I am

I know it's early but I hope she finds a new love

It's a tough market out there so many battered dishonest assholes like myself

I would hope that somebody could enjoy my losses

If it's what she wants she'll do just fine

A positive thought

 It's been an ok night so far

Dealing with my limited mobility can present issues

Simple things like getting to the bathroom aren't a given anymore

Gotta be patient but ready to step on it when I need to

I need my shot of vitamin K

Definitely looking for a day with the sun

Different moods and different feel about

Can't always be 73 and sunny

Whatever comes my way I will adapt

T-shirt weather or put on the hoodie?

Either way it's good, one day closer to a good weekend

I can hold back my joy for another day or so

I've had some memories run in my head

Another song, preview of the Chicago's and one more Love Boat cruise commercial

I have stopped running from it all

Those were great times I get to hold forever

My love is distant and so far away

The 5 mile trip might as well be 55

I will give her the time and space she needs

I have the time and respect her needs

I will enjoy my good days with thankfulness and a smile

The bad days will happen if I allow them to

My thoughts and wishes are all very good

One day we will communicate like we should 

Thank You

 Through all of the emotional clutter I have left so much out

I have been through many traumatizing incident

Some of which can break marriages apart

This failure was not a result of Terria

I have been through 2 major motorcycle accidents

One was painful but not serious

In fact Terria was behind me on her bike when the car went left when his signal indicated right

I know this looked worse than it end up being

The second accident was horrible

Canyon ride solo, hard twisty turns with worn tires

I went off the road with no grip available

Went from 70, to 35 to stop, slamming to an abrupt halt

I felt bad hit the gas tank pretty hard and knew there was something wrong

Emergency crews came suggested I go to Hospital, I decline

Terria came to pick me up, my boy Ty came in my truck to take my bike

On the Drive home I asked Terria to take me to the Hospital

We arrived at the Hospital instantly taken to ICU

I was Peeing blood and shit myself

I was bleeding out, Terria was terrified, I had no idea how bad I was

12 Days in the hospital, 4-5 blood transfusions and platelets 

I went home a bettered beaten up man being taken care of by my Terria

She did everything and didn't let me do anything

She had to wipe my butt

Never relented never complained just did her thing and helped me heal

She went out and bought me a nice recliner

So I could get comfortable, along with a new floor heater

She did everything to make me comforable

I had so much to live for so I fought for us

I've had many surgeries  shortly after

Back, knee, foot and Gall bladder

My wonderful Terria was there every minute

What a Godsend she is

My most recent near-death incident involved a bicycle ride 

went out for my daily ride hit a sewer grate missing a bar and came to a halt

Thrown from my bike I ended up under the rear wheels of a tractor trailer

I hit my neck on the rail and jammed my back, injured my hip

While I'm under this truck I see a man running towards me

I'm dazed and have no idea what's going on

The man is yelling at me get out of there

The truck was stopped at a red light.

He pulls me from under the trailer

20 Seconds later the light turned green and the truck rolled on

I was 20 seconds away from a horrible death

My Terria came to the rescue again

Later that evening I developed a large hemotoma, it gre w and grew larger

Went to the hospital they treated it with?

3 weeks later I had it surgically removed 

and the long heal begins

Terria took me to wound care weekely

They treated the tri-tip sized hole in my leg with meds and medicated wrap

This process went on for 11 months , finally being released. 

Once again Terria my superstar was always there 

Since that crash I've never been the same, lst mobility and strength , balance

Then now needing a walker to get around the house, 

2 Orthopedic surgeons, and 3 neorlogist later

They still don't know what is wrong with me

That wonderful wife of mine was a superstar though it all

She took time off from her teaching position to make sure I was aken care of

She set up all appts, tests medications for me

Then drove to them all

I can never repay my Terria

I can never say thank you enough

Instead of cherishing my diamond

I let her go for no reason

This horrible mistake

Will haunt me until my death

Living with the pain I've given

My love and appreciation for your love to me, I will forever love you

Your selfless behavior, always there for me

Your kind loving ways shown daily

Have made me the happiest man in the world

I love you sweetheart I always will. Love started and ended with you

The Healing

 I'm not even going to let the overcast dim my mood

Yeah it's ugly out a far cry from yesterday's Chamber of Commerce day

But I'm going to make it work today

Work has started, getting ready for that first cup of coffee

It's not easy to escape a moment here and there

A flash memory that either makes me happy or sad

The happy memories seem to outweigh the bad

So I would call that progress at any rate

There is such a long way to go from here

It's not about my healing but more so hers

The ability to grow from this terrible moment 

Will make or break where we go from here

I've had to think non stop 

Worrying about the healing taking place

While the rest of the world passes me by

I don't want to miss the rest of my life living with worry

I would give my life to see her smile

Give up the same to hear her laugh at me

There's so much missing when I look to my side

This is just the way it is

As I wait for the sun to come through today

My anxiety at the moment when I can work from outside

I miss the life I threw away, so meaningless to go out like this

Healing, hope and tranquility is what I truly wish

Win The Day

 It was a damn good day today

Worked from the patio while I worked on my tan

Winner on all fronts

Didn't have to focus on the negativity in my life

So I took a day off from it today

Did think about my Terria briefly

But each time I smiled with a good thought

Believing my honey will be OK 

Expecting another gift in the mail tomorrow

Nothing special nothing world changing

But part of that addiction for something new

So glad my oldest son shares my passion for photography

We talk everyday about our latest shoot

We share our photos and critique a bit

But the learning curve is levelling out

My boy is the creative one, self published 2 poetry books which made me proud

I shared with him the gift of self expression

First it was writing now he's photographing outdoors

These outlets will keep you grounded

They are your best friend that never leaves our side

In closing out tonight I can thank so many people

From loved ones to acquaintances

I'm looking for another great day tomorrow

I will try to win another day, night for now

My Goodness!

 It is by far the nicest sunniest day We've seen in a while

So nice to wake up to a bright day as opposed to the recent gloom

Weather can sometimes alter your mood or inspiration level

But today it is bright and feels good to be alive

I've put a pause on my emotional hurts and pain

It has taken away so much from me and there's not enough strength .

It has taken its toll on you and I 

Not sure how much longer I can continue to care

Besides my mind being broken so is my body

My back, my neck, my hip my Neuropathy below the knees

IT's a struggle to get around with a walker or crutches

But its' what I will do to see this thing through

With all of the shit that's going on in my life

I can't be bitter or angry we all break down at sometime

Just never thought my dismantling would happen at age 61

I'm paying the price for motorcycle,, bicycle crashes and an active physical life

I wouldn't trade my life for anything, I've experienced so much

passionate about many things that my wife always supported

Many motorcycles, Bicycles, Sports Equipment and Cameras

She supported me for all of our time together

So I speak of her great support and her loving kind way

I pray I returned the same I wonder if she would ever say?

I was so blessed to have that goodness for as long as I did

I was always given the best that true love has to give

The Slow Healing

 I'm feeling like a broken record right now

I've said the same things 100 different ways

And it all comes back to pains inflicted and self destruction

Must find a way to change its course

I realize my problems aren't unique to the world 

Just to me in my own small world

I don't deserve pity or any reassurance

I just need time to fly by and take me to the next phase

There are so many lessons to be learned

Temporary fixes are just temporary

The catastrophic damage can be permanently irreparable

Don't play in that fire, it's hot and it will burn you

There are many triggers here that it is dangerously careless

That need to feel that something new is better

In all my life that's never been the case,

Learn from a stupid man giving you smart advise

There were recent times when I wanted to die

So distraught with my loss In my life

My life that was such a golden event

Treated much more like a Golden shower

I've risen above self-destruction but will still beat myself up

I must grow up and simply grow as a man

This life is not simple nor as difficult as it seems

We only have control of things, that we can change

I find each day a steppingstone on the road to emotional healing

Taking each step with caution I'm afraid to be disappointed

My healing is dependent on knowing she is ok

Then I feel I can try to move on and live a brand new day

 

Talk To Me

 Feeling better now, got the day started smoothly.

There are some things that weigh heavy on my heart these days

Not knowing how she's doing is very sad for me

I wish I could talk to her or even a text

As of now all of my communication tries have gone unanswered.

Even the ones regarding shared responsibility

Seems so sad for me to know that someone can be this upset

Even harder knowing it's because of me

I see so much that takes me back

To happy times when we loved and laughed

A bitter disparity to today, 

I'm not loved and I'm unable to laugh

Memories are the hardest thing

I see my photolog with so many moments

I sit down at a restaurant we frequented.

It's all I can do to to not breakdown and cry

Those memories are great but they make me so sad

Angry at times for all I had

It's where I am and can't look away

Face the facts that I ruined your life

I've ruined mine too and that's ok

My thoughts are with her and I still send my love

Fruitless as that may seem

It's all I have is to hold onto that dream

Angel

 

Dark Day

 It's cold and wet outside this morning

I told myself to not engage in a flurry of negativity today

So until I find some calm in the world 

I will remaim quiet 

Lucky Man

 This song I played to remind me of how fortunate i am, or was. Still blessed to have 25 years of HER that they cannot take away my great memory. I would have to think for a day to find her flaw or remember a moment that she wasn't thinking thoroughly. The Verve says it for me

A Broken Man

 There comes a point in my life when I need to take stock

What is it that makes me happiest

Where and how do I go about finding it

Is it a person , a thing, some useless possession 

I'm not sure what it could be

I had the perfect wife for 25 years

Screwed that up, not going to find a woman of that caliber

I have every toy a man could want,flavor of the month is Cameras

I sense a great imbalance in my approach to most things

I tend to gravitate towards the darker side of town

Where responsible people don't protect what they love

I didn't do that and didn't consider the ramifications of poor decisions

It's much more than infidelity

Addictions to allot of things that aren't drugs

Addicted to thoughtless acts of hurtful behavior

When you've lost it all it's a great reminder

Thoughtless acts never go unpunished

You can't hide the truths of deceit

So here I am 61 years old, acting like an 18 year old kid

Should be planning for my retirement in less than a year

I now plan where am I going to live

How will I deal with my losses and pains created

Sounds cliche but God will have my answer

I just need to earn the right to be shown the right way

In retrospect I'm where I belong

Can't argue with the facts

I'm been a bad husband father and friend

How could I ever expect a happy ending

I'm a sad man who let his world down

I'm a bad man for destroying loved ones hearts

I honestly don't care where I end up

I just want my Honey to be ok

Damn Me

The day started off with a promising glow 

Slept well last night no bad dreams woke up refreshed

I was going to go shoot some pictures today but never made it 

My brother and sister showed up so we stayed home

You figure family over would heighten my mood

It was actually quite the opposite

I became disenchanted and became sad

They were examples in front of me showing genuine love

I saw what I am missing with their loving ways

I sat across the room with envious eyes

I had what they have

In my opinion even more,

So my needless envy carried the day

A horrible way to feel because I threw my happiness away

Hard to think straight and and be happy for others

I'm stuck in my own grief and I don't see the end

I pray for that day when I feel inner peace

Be rid of my vices and my petty insecurities

I know it's coming please be soon

I'll die with a tear in my eye and the weight of regret

Fight or Flight

 I've been going back and forth here

What should I do in this situation

Let it go and address it at a different time?

Or should I jump right in and fight the fight

I really need to step away from this for awhile

But my heart is tugging at me to get in there and fight

Logic tells me stand back and let the emotions calm down

I don't want to pour fuel on the fire

Feelings are broken, lives' are in disarray

I can only equate her feelings on how I'm feeling today

I imagine her pains are much more hurtful and sharp

Mine are bad , they are filled with guilt and an emptiness

Someday when it has settled down 

I really want that conversation

She will object I think

The damage has been done

I have so much to say and I have so much to hear

I would love to know the space she is in

She knows I will always care

So I wait and wait and hope for that opportunity

I truly believe that true love never goes away

It takes a beating and makes it hard

To say I'm done and go on with my life

Without the one I love

Troubled times await us both

A Painful and a hard recovery

I never in my life knew I could hurt the one I love

I'm a horrible husband who wants forgiveness

The Calm In The Storm

 It is definitely cold and damp out tonight

Sweatshirt and a jacket weather inside

 That's with heater going

To be old and cold

Uneventful day and now evening

hard to be motivated in the rain

Tomorrow looks to be the same

That's a shame for sure

Not much going on in my mind tonight

I've out thought myself for too long now

I'm waiting for the day when I don't think at all

That has already happened

The rain is pouring like too many tears

sweeping away the puddles 

Reminiscing on happier times

When they were tears of joy

I'm running out of gas right now

I'm tired and worn out and need  a nap

I'm sending happy thoughts to those I love

 Bringing joy to my heart as a calming force

My new screensaver(bye Drew Dog)

 I regretfully r

eport that my new wallpaper isn't of a loved one but a serene picture of surfers point in Ventura. It's a very calming and a great place to think and relax. I wanted to go the PCH to take more pictures and the iconic mugu rock. There's not much sadness to being outdoors on a sunny day. Today it's looking like rain so all outdoor activities are put off until the sun decides to reappear and grace us with it's presence. Time to watch some playoff football although it's not what I would like to be doing but I will make the best of the day. 

My Drew Dog

I love this guy, need to ask for visitation rights. He saved our sanity during covid

 

Now My Puppy!

 It's so strange how there reminders that take you to a familiar place

Driving around I see remnants of my recent history

A restaurant, a coffee shop, the corner gas station

Some things you just can't avoid

Looking down at my phone was very painful

My wallpaper of my wife and I on our cruise for our anniversary

It was a great happy time for us both

I couldn't keep seeing our photo so I switched it out

Now it have my nearly 4 year old puppy on my phone

He's our Covid puppy and we got him when he was 8 weeks from a rescue

He is loaded with energy and loves the world

He's our Drew Dog, the best puppy I know

We built him his own framed pitched roof dog house

Has Drew across the front door

I miss my little Drew dog, but he's not little at 70 lbs

I would love to kiss him and rub his tummy right now

The boy could play ball for 45 minutes only stopping for water breaks

I'm so glad Terria has him to love on and give her support

I've lost more than the perfect wife

I've lost my childhood home and the few friends I had

Now my adorable loving Drew dog

It's getting harder to see his picture every time I reach for my phone

I will need to replace him soon with a picture I've taken

To my wife, friends and my adorable Drew Dog

My losses are warranted and I will have to live and die with that

To the one that got away...again

Disregard middle song, 1&3 only

 These 2 song were songs that encapsulate my feelings about my Terria. We got back together after a 12 year hiatus each of marrying the wrong person. I would always refer her as " the one that got away," well I waited 12 torturous years,2 bad marriages that ended before we reconnected. That was 25 and a half years ago. I made a mix tape for her with these 2 songs by the Style council on that tape. You're the best thing that ever happened " was a song about how I felt about Terria,as she was the best thing that ever happened to me. The other song " long hot summer" is a sexy song that is great to make love to, listen to it, trust me you will be in the mood,with your partner or solo   To the one that got away, now she's the one I pushed away. For my Terria

Stranger

 I'm like a child who lost him mom in the store

Where are you mom?

Twisting and turning searching and crying

Where did she go?

I'm that child right now

Missing My Honey

She doesn't want me to call her Honey anymore

I sink into my bitterness

I cry inside why does this have to be happening 

Well it is let the heartache continue

I think about what we would be doing

It's painful to realize those days are behind us

Thinking about what she is doing, and does it make her laugh

I can't imagine or don't know what she is feeling

I want so much to talk to her and gauge where her mind resides

It's not an possible right now because I'm dead in her eyes

Like I never existed in her life

A stranger on the street, I nod and wave and say hello

She's staring at her feet and walks on by

If I had a word to say

I'd say I love you so

You blessed me with love and life

Why did I let you go 

 

Let it shine

 I love the sunshine 

This overcast weather is depressing 

Especially when we in Socal pay the weather tax

Great weather, pretty people, high taxes

I need my daily dose of facial sun

Refreshes and reinvigorates immediately

But no, we have rain coming in this weekend

I want my weather tax money back

High taxes ,rude people, traffic everywhere

Why do we continue to do this

What can we do, move to Texas

I think not , they can have their land, heat and right wing knuckleheads

Really what is it about California that makes me stay

It''s home for one, the weather

It is too far Left, even for me

People actually have degrees in welfare

Im not hating on the poor

Just don't make a career of state assistance programs

I don't work too hard, but hard enough to not want to support the lazy

Quit having kids I can't afford it

Now that the politics are out of the way

We live in a tough place, with hardened people

I'm not asking for much

Just a little sunshine to warm my face

The Power of Love

 I know of the sadness

I know there is anger and disappointment.

Forgiveness is not in the cards right now

I truly hope the love you felt will override it all

Love and hate are equal emotions, 

Both can take you over and make you something different

Love is forgiving and gentle and kind

Hatred is running me over with the truck

I know you have always loved me

I loved you long before I was able to show you

Even longer before I said the words 

Based on my action do you believe I ever did

I will tell you truly

This is one thing I will always know for sure

If you continue to be disgusted with me

My love will continue until my last breath of air

Will that love be strong enough take away pain?

Will it allow us to bury our axes 

Love is powerful and strong

Is it enough to be forgiven

Are you OK

 How are you doing?

How are you feeling today?

I get so caught up in my own sadness

I know you're hurting too

I can't communicate with you

You won't talk to me

I can't see you

The sight of me repulses you

Where do we go from here?

How can we make this a healthier environment

Make the anger and disappointment subside enough

So I can hear how you are doing today

I surely miss the things I took away from myself

Missing my wife and my kids

It's early on and I realize

That a conversation will not be happening soon

I want so bad to hear your voice without the anger

I would love to see you laugh again

I miss not only my family but my former friends

Who have buried me with no return

What would I say to you if you were in front of me now

I'm not sure it would be easy to say

Stuck in a world of guilt and deceit that I brought to you.

I know I'm sorry has already been established

If you read what I'm saying

you know there's a better man inside

My troubles and issues were never because of you

My happiness was never in question you brought me so much joy

It's truly sad to me that this is the only place I'm honest

I could have shared it all with you

You had the answers with a loving ear 

And a huge embrace of support

Recovery

 Friday's are not a bad thing around here.

A chance to rebuild and replenish 

Tear away at the impending sorrow.

I realize it's One day at a time And It's such a slow process.

There are many days when I feel like sleeping all day

Depression has its' ugly hand on me now

But I don't plan on being in its hold forever

I will hear that voice and recovery will begin

Seems like there are so many situations resembling mine right now

My situation is not unique to the world 

but it is Foreign to me and I don't quite understand it

The radio, Videos and TV seem to remind me daily

I can honestly say I'm not where I was and not where I will eventually be

A better place where I can reflect and tell myself 

You really fucked that up without knocking myself out 

And not torturing myself for the world I have created

There will be healing for us all

An understanding that as unfortunate a this has been

There's growth ahead to replace the pains we feel today

That is my goal , my wish and desire

I want to laugh again, I want be excited about something

There is power in happiness, I want to see you smile again

I realize that is down the road a bit

But I will wait until that day and smile back at you

I do see some light down the road

There has been growth amidst the ongoing tension

One day soon I really think we will have a conversation

I will listen and hear every word you say

To say I miss my life and miss my wife

Is understated as it ever could be

I rocked our world and threw it away

And broke too many hearts

There's an open door waiting ahead 

To replace the door that closed

Your life has changed but your world got better

Free from being hurt again

Midnight-before I did you wrong

 Reverse the gender and it's pretty much where I am. Great song from YAZ

Bronski Beat- Small town Boy

 This song was a great song from the 80's

Alone And Scared

 I'm having an odd feeling right now

It's not a sadness, anger or anything negative

I feel alone right now, not lonely but afraid

Fears of being alone in a room full of people

I don't want to die alone

I don't want to live a loveless life

My fears are based on being dependent so long

To the same person for a long time

It's my reality to be be so needy

Taken many things for granted for too long

Now that my comfort of being loved is gone

I need to convince myself I will go on

I want to be a productive man

I want to be loved again 

I can do all of the right things

But only for my chosen love

The feeling of being alone scares me

I'm so far from being able to face my new reality

The feeling of loss has me on the ground

Picking myself up is harder than I ever imagined

This dependency issue will always rear its vicious head

My support system has gone to a better place

Worry free and the chance to grow

Not feeling like a caregiver and a paycheck anymore

I live a blessed life but it's hard to feel today

Maybe tomorrow will bring me a better appreciation

I'm thankful for all that was given to me

I'm so sorry that I had to make it end

My Serenity

 Leaning on my spirituality for peace

I may not have a right to answers or solutions

But I seek out help to keep me focused

So that one day I may heal myself and others

I do believe my faith has served me well

It is I who has failed and disappointed

I don't expect miracles or unrealistic results

I just want my life to get on track

I can see the light over the horizon

Is it a sunrise or a sunset that takes my light away

There's always hope of a better day tomorrow

I only hope to make it there to see some results

I will mumble my thoughts throughout the day

A quiet prayer for the people I love

Wishing goodness in a terrible world

To mend that heart and heal the mind

I will reach out to my source and find my place

No scriptures or bible just common good

When it hurts and it bleeds you heal the wounds

I'm very blessed to have another chance

How to make amends

 I talk about growth, mistakes, moving forward

I guess it takes much more than wanting it

Thr execution as I find out is the hardest part

So much of where I'm trying to go is in the dark

New ground for me to cover

The idea of not coming home to my wonderful wife

The reality and admission of creating this mess

For reasons I still cannot figure out

There is no copout or hidden agenda

I'm lost and confused as to the reasons why

The other side of the fence would never produce greener grass

I knew that then and know it now

There's so much emotional ground to cover here

The loss, the pains, the reparations of it all

Lacking the tools to do what's right

My tool bag is shit and useless to me

As usual I pray for the Pains to go away

To be forgiven for all of my wrongdoings

This as is most everything else completely out of my hands

Is there anything I can do to try to make amends

Moving Forward?

 We've been blessed with some sunshine and warmer weather

It is a good day to be alive

Sure beats the alternative for sure

Got to get outside and work on my color

I've had some interesting days here recently

My thoughts are looking forward

Not stuck on where I am today

But more focused towards healing

I don't expect this to happen real soon

But I have to start somewhere , why not here and now

I can't gauge how the other half feels these days

We haven't spoken in weeks

My concerns are still the same as they were months ago

The healing and movement forward will continue 

If I could hear a laugh or see a smile

Maybe too early in the game for that

I cannot pinpoint the recent changes

My feeling will always stay the same

I would be home tomorrow

If she would open the doors again

I really am trying to be realistic about it all

I continue to fall short in many areas

Maybe it's better that I be alone

The only walls I will break down will be my own

I never wanted to hurt anyone

I definitely didn't want to hurt the one I Love

Choices are suspect and guilty of every crime

But I chose to live the lie and cast her heart aside

I can only try to control today

The past is killing me and I can't stop the bleeding

It's over now there's no turning back

This Tornado of emotions has beaten me down

Just Walk Away

 It's very dark inside right now

Not a feeling or mood, just no lights

I feel like something is missing

Maybe I should be home I'm sure it's there

But I know there is no welcome mat

Solicitors can stop and say hi

Maybe some gutter work or the Amazon man

I'm afraid to drive on by

 Wanted to watch a movie, my movie partner is miles away

So I settle for a Lakers game

Pissing and moaning at every whistle

The officiating crew needs more TV time

Another wonderful dinner, we ate we drank we had bathroom breaks

The Chili Colorado was quite tasty if not too hot

But we ate and soon after paid Mr. Piper

It wasn't shake and bake but I did help

Just a different feeling of being a guest in someone's home

I feel so comfortable here but nobody wants to reach the expiration date

I will enjoy my time in big sisters home

I learning how retired people live

I am very blessed to have a loving family

Since I ruined the perfect family I had

It's much to late for apologies

I'm only as good as my last fuck up

Things aren't as bleak as I thought

Each new morning brings new hopes

As I pray each night for my loved ones

And the woman who used to love me 

I can honestly say God has a plan

I wasn't worthy of what I had

There is no punishment in my crimes

That I haven't imposed upon myself

When I think of all that's gone

Sure there's a sadness and regrets

But I have to thank the man above

For granting me this goodness if only for a day

Take away all their pain 

Wipe away all of our tears

Tragedy happens all around

It's unfortunate but  none of this is tragic

When you're thrown off the horse

get up and wipe away the dirt

If you're  afraid to get back on 

Maybe it's just not for you

NO LOVE, HOPE or FUTURE

 I need the sun to poke on through right about now

The gloominess seems to be the order these days

May the winds of positivity, or even change blow it away

We play with the cards we're dealt

The weather outside is inconsequential.

The storms brewing inside me are ominous and strong.

My personal weather check is coming through.

Inclement with a chance of happiness

Think a good thought, have a good result

Dreamers can dream and realist can be aware

Things aren't always what they appear to be

But sometimes we don't like the end results

The heaters on, have a blanket at my side

I'm not cold but feel the need for some alternative comfort

Feeling needy for a conversation, a smiling face

Throw in a hearty laugh and my world would be complete

It's so funny how my needs and desires have changed

I had always raved the next best thing

But it's the simple things that I miss so much, a text message , an emoji

I have work to do I've got to go

There's an odd feeling when familiarity becomes foreign

Friends become strangers you don't know

The home that I was born in is no longer mine ,I'm not even welcome for a drive by, not that I could anyway.

Is it sadder to lose a wonderful life, or never have had it all

Now that I don't have it , and have a comparison of What I've lost

I can't be sad for myself

I can see how most people live their lives

Without Love ,hope or a future

Reboot

 I've been doing alot of thinking , hence the writing lately.

It's my go to when I'm feeling less than ok

I can't complain , my shortcomings are all based on decisions I've made

Bad decisions which have consequences

These decisions will sting less as time goes by

To be replaced with something different,  a new outlook

I won't ever replace my losses

But I can replace my sorrow with happiness, even indifference

There's so much control I have from here on

There's plenty that  requires others' expertise

My health, my mental stability I will defer to experts

But for now I will find my path

I will have to remind myself

 That a path of least resistance is a path I cannot take

I really need to put forth a new plan of attack

a plan without shortcuts or instant gratification

It's like a reboot of most things I know

I'm trying to look forward to future gains

Stop focusing on my current losses

Time is either my friend, or adversary, use it wisely!

In the end I am responsible for my existence

I can utilize. the gifts I have 

Or I can defer to my self destructive incompetence.

These are decisions that are going to be made

I know the sadness today will fade eventually

But that loss will always be there

That reminder that when your life gets away from you  

The cost of bad decisions must be paid for in the end, TIME TO PAY!

Lost my mind

 I'm at the bottom of the world right now

Looking up at a group of decisions

Do the right thing or the healthy route

Crash and burn over the cliff

My head is playing tricks with me

My mind is completely gone

I have nothing left to grasp onto

But the broken pieces of what's left

I'm tired and congested frightened by my future

What's in store what's beyond today for me

It's surely not health and prosperity

This where I'm supposed to say it's all over

The burning ache, guilt filled anger

I'm upset because I can't change one thing

So much deeper than losing my family

I've lost my place and reasons to find it

There's more to the pains than losing love

It's knowing I'm not good at anything 

Not good for anybody

Take a seat and watch the clock tick away

I'm not trying to be bitter and vacant

There's nothing here to fill my void

My vices are exhausted and let me escape

To a secretive place where there are no mistakes

If only I tried to be perfect

My failures would have some valor

Walking away without a proper fight

Could be  I've already beaten myself

I try to stand tall

But when I fall I'm a turtle on my back

Struggle and squirm to flip it over

I use my friend to get to the boys room

It's the end of the day it's very dark outside

I turn on the lights and find my place

Something negative to write or will the flowers bloom

God let me wake up tomorrow to water the weeds

It's Broken, Fix It

 At one time I thought I could fix myself

Spent 2 1/2 years with my therapist

Worked on many things

Like most of what I've done I was not thorough enough

Here recently I thought I could repair my marriage, I really did

It's that unrealistic mindset that takes me away from what's in front of me

Like the perfect wife and family

Lost without any idea why I put us there

I have looked in the rear view and thought at times

When the mother of my child broke our hearts

I never recovered and carried anger forward in my life

I was so concerned with my sons' recovery, I passed on mine

Here I am today, as broken as I was 28 years ago

A broken engine repaired with broken parts

Never running properly just waiting for my next patch job

Stopping the leaks all over my body

I don't comprehend the state I'm in

I don't understand Why I broke your heart

I won't ever forget the feeling inside

When you won't take my calls or don't want to be near me

So I try to attack every day

With the thought of tomorrow being a day 

which provides me answers and some clarity

To how I got here and how do I move forward?

Shoe On The Other Foot

Welcome back to the work week

Long weekend's over and time to earn some money

A pretty entertaining weekend

Good family, food and memories, all positive

I am coming to a crossroads of believing my current situation

I had contemplated thinking of making things work

IT takes two to make that happen

But again, I want what I want right?

Trying to take a step back and answer that question posed

What would I do if the shoe were on the other foot

What condition would my feelings be in right now?

It's a great question which I try to answer

It's a question answered by " I've been there before"

I know what it feels like to be destroyed by a love , and belief in someone

I know the endless nights crying until the next morning

Getting it together for my then 7 year old son I raised without his mother, he's 38 now

I didn't handle it all so well

I hated her for what she had done to our boy, not so much me

It took time to move an inch forward in my progress

I had to fix my little boy and make him whole again before I fixed myself, I didn't

I understand the devastation horrible actions and decisions bring

The impact on many people and their lives as well

The hatred felt when all you see is the color red

Yes the shoe was on the other foot and it doesn't fit  

I understand your hatred towards me

I'm a bad person who made terrible mistakes

Why would you talk to me, answer my calls?

I know the space you're in, it's a bad place

 for the life of me I can't believe where I am

I cannot believe what I have done, what I've become

To me it is easier to be shit on than to shit on the one you love

I'm not heartless and won't recover from this anytime real soon

I know what it feels like to be crushed

Why would I ever do this to anybody else

Is it a sickness, a weakness a terrible frame of mind

To know I'm capable of inflicting such pain and destruction

 

It's hard to realize that I'm capable of being that person

Cold hearted, small minded and cruel

I would give my life to help you heal from this

You gave your life to me to make me happy! AND I WAS!!

 

I Just Don't Know

 I wish I knew what I don't know

It's hard when you know nothing anymore

It can get frustrating to be so lost

I would never know if I found it anyway

If I did ,I would want something more

When I found that 

I would look over the fence again

Is that grass greener than mine?

I try to reflect On things I've done

Decisions made and reckless behavior

I can't  continue to have the mindset

This feels good let's try it out

So much Time, effort and money

Wasted on things I have nothing to show for

Actually have lost more than I could ever hold

I've lost things which are invaluable

My love, my friends my respect

Faded away like the setting sun

Like water downstream

It's never coming back

When I look back on the past the view is very blurry

I squint and strain but feel the pains, Both delivered and received

To want what I want when I want it

Makes me blinded to any reprocutions

It's much too late to live and learn

Too old or stubborn to try

There are no redo's in this life 

Just the rubble and baggage to sort through

 

Good Day

 I was a pretty good day commemorating the anniversary of my dad's passing today, we went gravesite and took some pictures and had some good conversation. We visited other family and friends sites as well. A day of reflection for sure. After we left the Cemetery we headed to lunch in Old town Camarillo, new place for me which was damn good. I had stuffed Oreo french toast which was amazing. It was a pretty good day afterall good thoughts and with family couldn't be any better than that. A few brief moments of sadness for the rest of my world but that passed,

Visit to see Mom and Dad

 

Tribute to my father

 

40 Years Ago

 Today is the 40th anniversary of my dad's passing. We all wanted to acknowledge his final day and resting in a peaceful afterlife makes me happy

I had just turned 21 and was out late with friends dancing. We got home late and was drunk and tired the next morning. Every Sunday my father and I would to breakfast usually at Bob's Big boy 2 Mile's from the house. He would knock on my door and say" let's go big boy time to eat. I was so tired that I told him that I had gotten in late and was going to sleep more.

He went on his way as usual and I continued sleeping. We had a luncheon planned that day with Suzies parents in Marina Del Ray.. then the phone rings and it's the Hospital, ironically the same hospital where most of us kids were born. They tell us he is in intensive care and we should get there. We all head out and get to the hospital, nobody would speak with right away and were told to wait.

A few minutes later the hospital pastor came in and led us to a room , my mom, brother and sisters knew of impending doom, l remember my brother saying " oh no". We were told the news we already knew and sobbed and held each other. My dad was gone at 62, I only had 21 years to love him. The whole day was a fog of disbelief.

As we carried on with our lives I recall my brother getting ready to go to Japan to play in the Japanese Baseball league, he was a professional Baseball player. So ironic that my dad was a POW in a Japanese prison camp for 3.5 years, only to be freed after the bombs were dropped.

As we celebrate and commemorate the anniversary of our fathers passing. We all share love and together that both mom and dad instilled early on. We are all blessed to be close to each other and always support one another. I currently live with my sister who took me in as I proceed with my divorce. That's what family is about. Some people in my situation become homeless because they have no family support.

Lastly, I have an odd quirk that still troubles me , or at least a sad spot. When we got the call from the hospital I was playing a record on the my player, so odd a song from the band Duran Duran had just been started. The song was " save a prayer" one of my favorite songs at the time. I cannot listen to the song all the way through anymore since that day. There are 2 songs that represent my memories of my father. One is Save a prayer-Duran Duran and the other is Billy Bragg- tank Park Salute. I offer up to you,this tribute" Billy Bragg. Rest in peace Mom and Dad

Communication

 The one thing I've learned over the years

To communicate is such a big key

To communicate properly is even more vital

We get lost in our own thoughts

It's much more than spewing words and opinions

You gotta listen to hear what they're saying, what they mean

I was gifted with an array of communicating skills

None of which included listening

I've said many times before

You can only learn when you're listening

I never heard much anybody said

Which makes me a dumbass

Looking back on friendships

More importantly relationships, marriages

I fell short in being attentive

Falling short by not being emotionally available

I have asked myself how would life be

If I shared my inner thoughts

Shared my life and not excluding the ones who loved me

Give them a glimpse at my troubles and inner pain

My marriage is a tell tale sign

That I left out details, I didn't hear yours

I should have been a better communicator

I should have cared enough to ask to listen 

The help was always next to me

Besides me on the couch

I had so much to say

I had more that I needed to hear

Losing the world I felt unworthy to live

I ran away and sought out destructive means

To destroy the trust that was freely given

Only to self destruct and take you with me

You have veered off this horrible ride

Self preservation to start a new life

My deepest regrets is I let you down

I didn't trust myself to communicate freely

I can talk about it all right now

I have failed my past and my tomorrow

I wanna talk and hear you say

Go on with your life I'll be ok

My regret, my pain and embarrassment

My remorse carries no validity

I only wish I could take your pains

And own them for both you and me

Fucking Rams

 Damn!

Joe Jackson- The other me!

 I didn't even make it through the first quarter of the football game.  Time for some music

Game night

I'm anticipating tonight's Football game 

Huge Ram fan even larger Cowboy hater

I really don't watch the games with as much interest

But I do care who wins or loses

Baseball is my true sport

Hardest thing to do in sports is to hit a Baseball

It's a purest game that we've all played

Some of us better than others

The sports world really consumes most of us

I had to peel back and not get so involved

It's entertainment nothing more

But not everybody sees it like that

So it's still early now have a few before it all starts

Maybe a snack, maybe another posting here?

No rhyme, no reason ,no clue

It's time to relax and put the worries on hold

Just finished editing todays' shooting

I need a new computer and editing program

It's slow tedious work which aggravates me so much

I have no patience and that's a problem

The clouds are back the sun is hidden

Colder than it needs to be

Looking forward to a good night ahead

Going to enjoy tomorrows holiday and find something to do

Stuck On Hurting

 Just got back from picture taking

Nothing much was going on

Very quiet and not many people out

Sitting outside in the sunshine

Wasn't really feeling it today

Nothing post worthy today

It was nice out

Had a good breakfast at a local spot

It's a feeling of total despair right now

I'm confused, sad, really trying hard to snap free

I miss my wife so much

The loss is killing me right now

I guess I'm not a heartless person after all

Because mine sure hurts like hell

I'm sure her pain is worse

I put her where she is today

It's a hopeless feeling to know you are helpless

There's nothing I can do to make amends

So much more than a broken marriage

Broken home, family for what

I want my wife back

I want our life back

I've already used my second chances

All's I have is the accountability of my failures

Knowing reconciliation will never happen

Rightfully I will live without her Goodness 

And have to think about my selfish existence

All I want is for her to talk to me

I can only thank her for tolerating me

Me and my strong opinions

My selfish ways of of not showing my love

A love so vast I never realized how fortunate I still am

Honey , you are the best

I will always send my love and my thoughts

Can't just turn off the better times

But I guess its time to change the channel,from Honey to Terria

Depressed State

 Last night was a very lonely night 

I was amongst family yet felt all alone

A state of depression kicked in hard

And I had such an enjoyable day 

Funny thing depression

When it hits it really comes hard

No warning , no alarm bells

Just that sinking feeling that shit aint right

Slept well, had a few dreams

The unrealistic dreams that bring her back

Well at least the nightmares are staying away

Maybe that's when I wake up and realize it was a dream 

I really need to stop thinking about what I have lost

It's gone and I can't bring her back

I do have real goodness in my life

In typical fashion ,it Isn't enough, wanting more is my middle name

That very trait has killed my dreams, stunted any growth towards healing

Time will naturally take care of most things

The answers will come and I would have accepted them

Tom Petty said "the waiting is the hardest part"

The day brings a breakfast trip with Sister

Maybe more pictures later on in the day

Should be bright a crisp out today

But a good photo day waiting in the wings

As I said the brain plays tricks on me

Making me think I don't deserve this fate I've created

Well I do and I've accepted my wrong-doings

And am Paying the bill for my services

I just want a civil understanding

Nothing less, nothing more

A good felling that I can make contact

And that me reaching out won't be ignored

Levellers -Beanfield

 

The title says it all

 I think you know who this song is for!