Must Be Dreaming

 I dream allot at night

As if to tell me something

I try to understand each and every thought

Waking up to not knowing where I am

I think myself to sleep each night

One worry compounded by other concerns

Most of which are out of my reach

I had it once and dropped it from my hands

Feeling guilty or feeling afraid

Mistakes at this point are very expensive

Especially when I'm bankrupt and emotionally broke

It's very hard to recoup life's currency

When I think too much or Dream too hard

I wonder where the fuel to this train comes from

That bitter feeling in my mind

Keeps reminding me I never really mattered

I believe my poison can no longer spill

I can no longer infect or interject

The toxic activities that spill on your feet

Were left there from so long ago

When I ask for forgiveness and understanding

Another selfish way to make myself feel better

I cared so much at one time

When you hurt I bled for you and cleaned up the sorrow

Now I live in a lonely place

Not alone but don't hear the words or winds from outside

I feel numb and can't feel the pains

Not mine and certainly not yours either

I've thought so long and hard

I don't want any second chances

I don't need another chance to re break your heart

Which in turn will destroy me and whatever is left

So When I drive during the day

My music plays and I sing along

My voice crackles and breaks for you

Every single sentence end with I'm so very sorry

Apologies for pains inflicted

After the fact and meaningless

I look for your face amongst the traffic

I hope you're ok , I'll be on my way

I saw myself in a windows reflection the other day

If only my internal angst were visible

My disgust and self mis-trust

I would lock myself inside forever 

I keep trying to punch and hurt myself

I keep missing because there's nothing left to destroy

The world is new can I adapt

There's a positive place in the corner I haven't tried yet

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