THIS WAS ALL WRITTEN IN ANGER AND DOES NOT REFLECT THE WAY I REALLY FEEL ABOUT MY LIFE, LOVED ONES CURRENT AND PAST. I WAS TEMPORARILY IN A BAD PLACE AND HAVE SINCE REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS RATHER THAN TAKE IT DOWN I WILL LEAVE THIS HERE AS A REMINDER OF WHERE I CAN GO OFF TRACK AND HOW I CAN REEL MYSELF BACK IN. TO ANYONE I MAY HAVE OFFENDED APOLOGIES ALL AROUND!
I remember thinking that life and people were for the most part a good thing. As I've aged and near retirement, I take a different look at myself and the life I will leave behind. The loves of my life aren't that important anymore. I'm too selfish to care and unable to feel much anymore. I've lost my ability to love and appreciate the things that were so important to me. I've lost wives, kids and grandchildren to my own doing, I will own that and be truthful to myself in stating. I am a flawed man living in a flawed world and I never did enjoy it much. I tried to make a difference where I could and for the life of me can't see what good I have done. This may appear to be a pessimistic view of things, for me this is all reality. No rainbows and puppy dogs for me just the reality of being an asshole and watching the shit flow freely, knowing my life could have been so much better but it never got a chance thanks to me. All of this is not a reflection of recent changes in my life. Things happen the way they are supposed to and I'm not powerful enough to change any of that. For the first time ever I've looked at my life for what it really is, a failure and waste of many peoples' time and efforts! I tried so hard to be happy and live a good healthy life but never seemed to get there. There was always something missing!
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