look inside and find solutions

I swear I do too much introspection and self analysis these days. i cannot beat myself up anymore for the things that i have done, but i fight the fight and Battle my way through my own demons which seem to follow my every move. My wants and needs are always met and my possessions are more than a man can ever use, but still I seek, I check and i look for ways to skin the cat that have yet to be found. My minds eye sees what it will, my hearts blood drips about itself trying to figure out which portal to follow next. here I sit and here I write , self decomposing and self medicating all in the same sentence, /i write when i feel mad, I write when i feel sad and i write when things are slightly off kilter, but they they are good I try to find ways to readjust and re tweek that which is already good, and that which is not needing a tune-up. why is it that it is never enough to have what i have, or to be what i am. It's like trying to fix a broken engine with broken parts everything fits but the results are always the same. we have a wedding to attend in Lake Tahoe and i have totally lost interest in it altogether and don't know why, we leave tomorrow and were to have a great trip but i am thinking of cancelling altogether because i will get there and wish i was someplace else and doing something else and not a big fan of relative and pretending like a give a shit about them and all that debauchery is comical to me. i hate wedding period , the are depressing to me, a wedding is the pinnacle of a relationship and it only falls downward from there , there is no ascension, only descending in a downward way until somebody crashes and burns and inevitably falls off the marital wagon, yeah i would know , the fuck up that I have become ! But I regress in my own ways and my own time , rebuilding myself to peak performance only to get bored again and try to find something stimulating again, maybe a new motorcycle to skirt death and exhilarate myself at the risk of terrorizing my loving family and worrying them every ride out, but we shall see about that until then i need to get my shit straighter than it is, its good, but not great where it needs to be. I'm finding out what love truly is and what love can potentially become, I am just not ready for the responsibilities of failure anymore