Stay Positive!!!!

My Body took another hit yesterday while hitting golf Balls, i fear it is a torn ACL but hope for better. i have to nurse it and get it manageable in time for my trip to North Carolina to visit my Friends Shawn and hopefully Ruth at the end of the month. Just a simple task of swinging a Golf club and pivoting off back leg to front made the leg and knee finally give way, the pop was loud and my yelp was equally as loud and know there is something in there that is not right. But I move along and tried to get a good nights rest on a throbbing knee and a sleepless night later i woke up to tired Greg and a disappointed Greg, Terria did everything she could to cheer me up but knew i was beyond upset and just wanted to be left alone! So i woke up this morning and feared the worst and got up and hobbled for the morning piss and went ok, I then called in Sick and did not want to go in , was tired and pissed off and eventually got up and turned the computer on, fearing a day of nothingness I decided to trudge into work and at least be there for my Friend Sabrinas last day here for awhile. I came in to work around 930 and stopped at Mc D's for a coffee and a muffin and crawled into work unfolding myself out of the truck and limping to my desk. I am ta the lunch hour now and hope i can get to the gym to try and burn some frustrations out and move the leg a little bit to loosen its stiffness. The time is upon me and i will change into my gym wear and head across the street to the Base gym for what hopefully turns out to be some god news and more flexibility . Unfortunately Golf is out of the picture for awhile and that too pisses me off, I'd be better off riding a motorcycle and get less injured that way but whatever at this point, I'm pissed, frustrated and thankfully I have my Terria and my kids and family to kick me in the ass and help me get to a more positive place in my mind and body.working so hard to stay in shape and to do healthy stuff and a minor setback wont deter me from prospering in the end. I shall, i will, i am going to get through this day regardless of how bad my body feels. god blesses me and i must use this as a life lesson to persevere when things are less than perfect. positive good thoughts from here on out! Good times and better days ahead

My AWESOME PLATEFUL of Goodness

The days are slow and getting longer here at work but a job is a job I'd say, especially in todays economic times. Really have very little to share or anything new to bring but will try to write a bit and get me away from Facebook for awhile, Goddamn what a shit hole that place is anymore, my list of 30 friends will soon dwindle to 25 soon and eventually 20 is my magic number for least amount of drama and be able to navigate the site for I originally intended to use it for, networking and shooting the shit with my true friends! So today we celebrate another potluck birthday for co-workers, I'm generally not a participant and go to the gym, but we shall see today and didn't bring anything but figure i bring enough homemade goods throughout the year i should get a free pass on the deal. I will decide here in about an hour as to whether i do the gym here at work or go after work to Ballys. We have another counseling session with Michael tonight and hope to get through it nicely with some progress, but really don't know what else there is to do or talk about, since we've been going mid June we have had 8-9 sessions and have uncovered many good things to work on for me, the night also brings about a coworker that i referred to Michael and he will actually go in before us and leave when we head in. Terria and I enjoyed a great evening out for dinner celebrating her first day back in the classroom with kids, she was able to unwind a bit and met April and Virgina and had Brandon with us and truly had a fun night. Things are settling down with Braz and Nikki in Hawaii and Ty getting ready for his Senior year of Football at Camarillo high , should be fun to watch. Terria and I are moving along in the healing process of a few months back , i have finally stopped killing myself over what i did to her and through therapy has enabled me to see beneath and beyond where i was in my vulnerable time to venture off with another , when what i had was and still is so damn incredible perfect for me. But never taking the easy road i stumbled , bumbled and fell and have recovered well in making my resurgence back to Terria a prosperous one and filled with the true love and admiration and openness that relationship needs. i have made some new friends and have spent some time with my new friends and shared Terria with them , she fits in like a well made glove and they all love her to death. i guess meeting the man that gives so many a hard time and then to meet the incredible woman who is always coined as Awesome , and correlate why do you put up with Greg's shit? She always replies that Greg is not the person he wants everybody to think he is, he is a calm , gentle ,loving and caring human being with a huge heart and she says a Great husband and a good person to have in her corner. i am honored to share her with my world, for she is my world and my boys and brother and sisters are my world! The fact that my God has allowed me more than enough second chances to do things right is amazing to me, i only hope that i can repay the deed with my love and kindness to others and have even opened my heart up to somebody i once hated , but try to be the bigger person and allow the giving and compassion to come out . I must understand that not many have the life that i do, the job, the family ,the Friends and support system that is so incredible, to come home to my wife each day , or meet her at the gym after work is a pleasure and a shared experience that I cannot put a price on. The support and overall wanting to hod and be with my wife and family has only grown in the past 3 months and my experience of delusions has made me a better person in every aspect, gone are the days of sadness and guilt and knowing that I have built an empire brick by brick with my Terria makes it so much more rewarding. The day may be slow but this mind races ahead and hopes to be with and hold onto that warmth and love that i almost lost and almost let go for sheer stupidity! but I've grown and now know that what I am is a good man who makes mistakes and can learn and live a better life through overcoming the many obstacles that we hurdled. I am in fact worthy of all that vi have and am now understanding that fact every single day. Thanks to God for blessing me with the new found faith to cherish and abolish all of the negativity in my life that was tearing a good man down. I move along to my next journey in life which still has me fighting the motorcycle bug and it kills me to this day to not be able to ride a bike, my leathers are waiting , my helmet and gloves gleam at me and my God tells me what i should do, but that fear instilled in my Terrias eyes wont allow me to pull the trigger , i want to, i need to but that fear of riding off and hurting my Honey still shakes my soul, she even says its ok but i don't know if she means that or loves me too much to say no to me!!! I love my life and i love this new world that has opened up to me. God has blessed me with so much incredible goodness it doesn't always seem fair

From A Saints Perspective

I laugh so hard
when people assume they know me
I try so hard
to not try too hard and just be me

The beauty of it all
Is that i land on my feet
The beauty of it still
Is that i am where i am supposed to be

I've looked in the rear view
And forgotten where I've been
I recognize the value of life
By living it to its' Brim

Shaken the souls and rattled my mind
an Accident brings me closer to find
the meaning and the reasons rhymes
my world and pieces are still kind

I'm told i don't feel worthy
to accept the gifts and daily rewards
I'm the dealer in this game of life
and forever hold the cards

Venture to an unknown
the heart will quicken
and the realities overblown
my simple mind is rarely shown

into the depths of my deeper soul
A Thursday night to heal its toll
my loving wife has given her all
And for me to climb up from my fall

Healing , cured and tried and true
the scabs are cleaned and shining through
the world around has been good too
I basque in the strength and how it grew

A peak around the next blind corner
wisdom's answers shine the lantern so brightly
Seeing life and answers abounding
Resiliency and a brand new vision

Carry on my wayward Mind
the refuge you sought was not there to find
that being so close and yet so far
This Saint of mine, is my daily star

Good Days, Good Times!

Not much going on, or really much to talk about so meaning that all is really good in Saurus Land! Having another great weekend and enjoying the nearly perfect weather and being outdoors. Hitting Golf balls today was flawless and really felt perfect today! Looking forward to anther work week and brings me closer to my last getaway for awhile to North Carolina in September,Didn't realize that it was so close and a month away, Terria so reminded me tonight of that fact! Other than that laying low and staying quiet on Facebook, not much to share or ad there, had a great Friday and Saturday,Sunday has no plans and just another day of choices and doing something fun or nothing at all We shall see??? Apparently there s something brewing across the room and Terria has her computer up and is searching something ,somewhere, so we shall see what she comes up with! Good Day, and good nights.. Ah, maybe the Tillman story on Sunday???? Hpe we can find a theater thats showing it, looks like?LA is the closest

My life's Wheel

been driving down a dusty road
looking for some pavement
stability seeks out my tires
to get a grip on the days ahead

driving for awhile now
the eyes are getting weary
looking at my lifes road signs
which exit takes me home

staring out behind this wheel
this roadtrip that I reap
looking at the deserts floor
and promises to keep

I promise myself to be myself
and forever hold the truth
a left turn on the horizon now
the sign post reads Happy valley

Happiness and loneliness
forever worlds apart
I stop for rest and for gas
And will drive til i get it right

A nightly conversation with the saint
my love , my life, my wife
a nightly ritual we cannot escape
for she will never leave my side

Blessed is this man who hold the truth
right next to him at night
blessed is this Greg Duran fool
who almost lost his wife

The windy roads and hollow tunnels
burrow through my mind
the constant struggle to exploit
my devil deep inside

The light turns red, I see my dad
he tells me where u been?
Driving around in circles Dad
but I think I know where I'm at

That fine Son to know where your at
but you must also know where you're going
So I turn around and find myself
and realize i had no direction

So i drive along and reach the crest
I see my life's Space Needle
I am so close to reach the top
and Patience grounds my ascent

Tomorrows and yesterdays
the learning curves of my life
the bumpy roads and detour signs
life lessons that have brought me to the edge

looking over the roads steep ledge
I step on back and ponder
this off road excursion to reality
a peaceful loving Blunder

Full loads and long roads

Been kinda quiet lately but the mind never stops driving at a full speed. I was realizing that when i go to therapy that i have less to talk about and less to think through anymore, although far from over with it all i think I'm starting to get it all now. Most of my writing has Been poetry and quick thoughts, nothing too deep just thoughts, ideas and rants about nothing in particular. Some very funny things happened in Tahoe and some even funnier ones when we got home and it seems like the puzzle is coming together and life is starting to make sense again. Have been able to spend some quality time With My Friends Robert, both of them are amazing men and human beings, I thanks them daily and appreciate their true friendships as they are old friends who have come back into my life and have taken on a real role in re igniting the friendships back to long ago status, nearly 28 years for each of them and have re connected and spent some quality time with both of them here recently, damn good time for sure. And have made some new friends , some mutual friends now of both Robert's, really good , honest people with the same ideas and goals as friends and human beings. Terria is being Terria and I can only never say enough good things about her nor can my friends who know her , she is an amazing woman and an incredible mother and wife. I have been given the gift of a disposition of strength, fortitude and the gifts of a support group that is unrivaled by anybody. I am in a place that allows a man to be a man and to make mistakes and be himself, however flawed and however painstakingly wrong i have been its always being supported as the fact of :Greg has more incredible things about him than bad, and we can always exploit the bad, let embrace the good and give the good the nurturing that it needs to grow into bigger and better things. where i am at is a reflection of that love and forgiving side of the support group that doesn't look back , but onward to a better Greg and a better life with things about our lives that we have yet to discover. Although its nice to get pay raises and make ridiculous amounts of money for a job that rarely tests me, the wife too has improved her financial stock and has surpassed me in the earning s department which is fine by me, we both win ! But this being the least important thing that we celebrate, we celebrate opportunities to see things that we have never seen before, emotionally, spiritually and physically have gone to places we never imagined, and where we were was incredible, never complained about anything about our life's , our marriage or the love that we shared. but yet have been able to take ourselves to new heights and to new dimensions of all that we touch, feel, smell and enjoy. The magic is not only back but its better and its real and i love my life and all that touches me on a daily basis, so hard to describe it all so i write about it here and try not to gloat too much but its hard to contain at times. i have my forum here and it brings me joy to unload and to unwind my thoughts and pains and joys all in one snap of the wrist. The facebook person' Gregasaurus is a fun place to hang out, its the beer with the boys mentality and allows me to be obscene and ridiculous at times but it is what I do and it is what I am, a free spirited wild card who can say and do whatever he wants whenever he wants to whomever i want to do it to. It s me and it some unloading vented up frustrations of past mistakes, heartaches from childhood and adulthood of failed Marriages and failed friendships and being able to pick up the pieces and put them all on the table, that which I cannot fix I jump on Michaels couch and ask for assistance, opening up a Pandoras box of emotions from childhood and from the daily grind has helped shape me as a reformed ,more aware person who can now love wife,children and friends and family to their fulest and be a better human being. The positives in my life through life's experiences and people who have entered my life are staggering to me, my Mona and Ruth, Debbie and new friends Like Stacy and people that truly care and love Greg for who he truly is, a real person who loves and cares about the well being of all, i care , i love, I bleed and I cry for the fact that my life is so blessed yet i pass people daily who have nothing and ask for nothing, just an unfair and cruel world which takes its own prisoners and holds them captive in their own private universe, some of which is self created but its pains and hurt make it all the same. I only wish i could touch and help more in my life, but my therapy centers on helping me help myself, dealing with my own pains and issue and then attacking them and bring out suppressed emotions from a long time ago and dealing with the shit and muck and hitting it squarely and moving forward. i am not where I wanna be yet, but I'm closer to it than I ever thought i would be. i feel a calm and a sense of generous love and affections towards my everyday and will give of myself by giving to myself so that those that matter get the full benefits of Greg! As time goes by I feel the growth and i sense the awareness that my God is watching over us all and allows us to make mistakes, as we heal from our mistakes we make a difference and we heal and help and give and make the lives around us a better place to be. Thanks to all those who have been patient with me and coming out of the shell of negativity is no small task, but a task rewarded with goodness and a sense of accomplishment

My Shining Stars!

My stars did shine the past few days
Brighter, stronger and longer
My friends and people who I call my crew
were tighter ,smarter and awesome

I realized that my life's turmoils
are building blocks to a better life
yesterdays and tomorrows
dependant on my better judgement

I seek out a new found clarity
that foggy days preceded me
I find myself looking back
and the rear views getting smaller

progress and a reality check
the gift i call my support
A therapist and a loving wife
to show the way with love

Forward pressing looking ahead
to the days and ways to prosper
no more looking back on despair
of dodging bullets and mistakes

I give myself to my Crew
the one that shines up high
my family and my friends alike
are the apple of my eye

A road trip to my support system
a Venture into the positive
a meal and a conversation
my satiated appetite for love

Positive and seeing a future
the one that builds with love
the greatness of my world and views
are honestly so much

So i try to envelope myself
with the joys and pleasures i deserve
I worked so hard ,and feel so blessed
that yesterdays teach my everyday and today

Thanks to you my Terria
for standing tall and proud
Thanks to my Roberts,Ruth ,Mona and crew
for standing ,pushing and supporting us

Thanks to the the cornerstones
the people places and things
i enjoy my loving environment
and the Saint I call my Wife

Blessed is the man who can recognize
the gifts sent from above
I thank my lord for catching me
And putting me back into my nest

So i have grown and nurtured my development
with patience and with a fervor
I embrace the challenges ahead of me
a look you dead in the eye

Bring it and sling it fast
For the healing will soon come
I've given my soul to the devil before
and have succeeded in bringing it home

An Old Friend

Time has blown by me quickly
I saw an old friend today
It made me happy and sad
to see the pain, and the despair

I hugged my friend today
he has not changed
but age has has swept him away
taken over his body but not his humor

This funny man
put a smile on my face to no end
This man was such a great guy
and loved my boy as his own

why did i disappear from his life
his drinking , his state of disarray?
I feel like a half assed friend
who walked away when It got rough

Mr. Aguilar you made my day,
my day is now complete
the smile and the laughter abounding
and my memories of you reborn again

Vietnam and hard times
could not defeat or consume you
the vodka in your veins
is just a minor flaw is all

So generous and funny is he
the man who could write a book in his head
the illustrations and the caricatures
truly defined his colorful ways

Tony my friend it was good to see you
and shake your hand again
May god help you and keep that humor
and continue to make us all laugh

All about Me!

Not much to report for me today, very quiet and a very good day overall. Enjoyed lunch with big brother and had a good chat and went back to work after that. Work still remains to be slower than I'd like for it to be but its a living and i will never complain about my job, just wished I could help , even out more than I do and be more effective and help more folks on a daily basis. But work s work and life is where it really matters and everything truly pays off. Tomorrow brings another counseling session with Terria and I and really look forward to it, be 2 weeks since talking to Michael and miss his candor and overall demeanor. Still trying to gather thoughts and reasons for some of my un Greg-like actions and have settled for some rational that makes sense but still want more answers as I am never happy with well enough, i ant it all and am almost good with the rationale and reasons for being an ass and getting my shit closer to being together. But I am happy overall with the therapy and Terria and I have our daily and nightly sessions of love and care and concern and the conversations and communication is getting better each day which is amazing as it sits, but yet gets better! I love the writing I've been able to squeeze out not so much writing when I' angry and at odds with something, trying to be a more positive force in my life and trying to attach myself closer to some of my more positive friends like Ruth and Mona who were there for me during my exodus from reality! Thanks to them and to the support group I call family and friends and the new connections with my friends Robert Nevarez and Chancey who have been mainstays for me in my daily grind of getting back to normal. Well, normal for me and normal for most others are worlds apart but I try to communicate the real me to everybody that i come in contact with, my life , my words , my humor and my fury are all on display via this forum or the shit holes Facebook and twitter. I love to communicate, not all appreciate my methodology of speaking ,writing and my overall verbose way of communicating my emotions and feelings, these people don't know the real Greg and do not matter one bit. To take away a persons true self is to take away the person, i will not ever shut up for anybody. I have often been asked, how does your wife put up with you? I always seem to have to answer this question, as if I'm some sort of Cancerous venomous snake that only deals in the negative and hurtful side. I can only be what i can be, ME, for those who truly know me, i mean Honestly have spent time and spoken to me on a one t one basis can attest, Greg is a good God Fearing and respecting human being , who loves, cares and gives all of himself, to include the way I communicate and at times even though shocking is the only way i can attack my life, full bore or not at all. I love my life ad I love being different than most and cherish the fact that my Terria has allowed me to be me and allowed herself to give herself and her love back to me in spades! I am so very fortunate for so many reasons, I only hope tomorrow will bring me the joys and peace that today has brought me. Healthy ,happy and strong minded to never give in but smart enough to knw that outside help is not always a bad thing. God bless my family and all of those who know and love me for being me!

Positive!

I wrote my book to help myself
I put it high atop the shelf
I drive myself to see bright lights
by psuhing myself to new heights

My scribe and pen are my best friend
my music speaks to me til the very end
I see the windows rattling outside
I fear no evils from deep inside

frustrations burn and tears do flow
My world in flux, but this i know
my flux is better than others best
I know my life and now can rest

This world Is brutal and never cares
if people love you or rudely stare
Don't tell me things that I already know
just open the door and watch it grow

Listen to the bells ringing out loud
I stand beside you so very proud
life is life and so very precious
apologies for my arrogance and being precocious

the future tells me my dreams come real
the doors closed behind me have made me feel
That when one door opens and another one closes
that positives can make shit smell like Roses

Fine day!

Pretty damn good day today, saw the kids and was in contact with sweethearts Mona and Ruth via Facebook today. All is good in their worlds, Mona still going through Radiation and fighting the Cancer very hard. These two along with Terria make me feel very fortunate and blessed to know, giving me all the positivity that I can ever handle, very very fortunate indeed. Have a lunch date with Brother Rich tomorrow and really look forward to hanging with him so I will take an extended lunch from work and go to gym then meet meet at an undisclosed locale as we have yet to decide where we will meet. I'm sure we Will talk Baseball and share the laughs that we rarely get the chance to exchange, very cool it is t be have such a great big Brother who never judges anybody, wished i were more like him in that dept !So its a short workweek for me this week ,off Friday and looking forward to Saturday , driving to Palm Springs to meet Chancey for a lunch with Terria,, doing some shopping in Cabezon and then headed home for a cool night of whatever with Terria. Supposed to be 105 in the desert Saturday and don't really mind it too much, have the easy drive and the cool tunes and the great company of T and then meet my boy Chancey for more stupidity and laughs, owe the knucklehead a lunch so we figured with nothing planned on Saturday we should pay off the bet that we owe the dude, so lunch it is. Other than that another shot work week and not much going o there just the days seem to get longer when there is little to no work t be done, a long 9 hours of trying to stay busy. Still keeping my fingers crossed for our 2 contract girls Jann and Sabrina who are losing their jobs with us at the end of the month the Govt operates in weird ways and u funded their positions as temporaries and now they must compete with the world for their 2 positions which hey have admirably worked so well at for 5 and 1 years each, so I cross my fingers and give them my good thoughts and payers in that they are going to win these positions back and keep their jobs, each has families and kids s this would impact them seriously in a negative way, this suck. Well t is time to get the ol beauty rest in the hopes that tomorrow comes and goes quickly. So here we go another try and another day in the books, thank goodness for another great day and hope tomorrow brings me the same

What It all Means

Where does it go when the lights turn off
How can i hear when My ear phones are in
how do i walk when my legs cramp up
Why do i think so goddamn much

Can it ever feel good when it hurts so much
does pain displacement ever get the job done
does abstract nonsense ever become clear
Why do i talk so fucking much

my heart is open to the powers that be
my chin is strong and can take a good punch
my knee is swollen still i swing the clubs
when do i ever take an easier path

I am who I am As Popeye once said
the skinny bitch that gave him head
always whined and groaned about
Yet my man never hit her and killed her dead

the magic moments when you do what you do
when thought and ponder would have worked well
I fall and i stumble and bumble about
My pride, my Goodness still ready to spout

so what it about me that drives them all mad
the gifts of gab or the laughter's we've had
I am an ass and that is so true
So I facebook and twitter to say Fuck you!

Being comfortable in my existence
if not my own skin
when do the rewards pay off
and tranquility begin?

I see it, feel even live it now
the world of loving and a cash cow
means very little when you're all fucked up
So i pick up my baggage and said here it is

take me away, a calgon moment
show me the way and give me your thoughts
try to be real, if not you will see
this man who seems pleasant can turn into a beast

so what do they mean
the words that i spew
where do they come from
when they're directed at nobody in particular

my heart, my mind and my soul
have been beaten and stomped on before
I'm calloused and immune to pains
so i open my arms for more

yet the days and nights have been kind to me
As i hold my life so tight
like a projectile cat that flies about
always landing on its feet

Blessed is the man who understands
that he has issues and has flaws
I am in fact a fucked up dude
with the audacity to admit it all

So i laugh and cry when appropriate
and even when its not
that life is but a cruel and funny joke to me
I am so blessed at all I've got

the beauty of being Greg
is that there is no beauty just truth
realistically I hold the cards
So i continue to do what i do

Progressions

Feels really good to be back to work and into a set schedule. I enjoyed my time off and really enjoy my Tahoe Golf and moreso i was able to get out of going to the wedding...yuck, god bless Erin and Josh 2 great kids and know they will do great together, 9 years and finally married, good times! Hanging out here at my desk I was already on Facebook fucking with minds and poking fun at the social cesspool that FB is, why i stay on it who knows, seems like such a waste of my talent at times to say something so witty and so funny ,and nobody really gets it, but it is what i need it to be , a venting post to laugh and joke and be me! As I drove into work today i could only think again of how my music shapes my emotions, listening to spiral staircase this morning on the Blackberry "I love you more today than yesterday" took me back to a different time in our lives when being a kid was just that , not really wanting to grow up too quickly and wanting to do the things kids did, play, laugh and cry, not stuck behind the TV screen or a game control console, a phone texting or just being oblivious t world at hand around us all. I set sail today with a mission for me and Terria to Small goals be it physically, socially, spiritually speaking to get better each day and make the world that we know a better place, the world around us sucks pretty bad and i don't involve myself with that which brings me down and makes me use a negative energy that is not healthy in the grand scheme of things. I love people and i love to interact with as many people as i can in a day, all being different in their own special way. The fact that music is such an important part of my life takes me back to a song, or a place , or a thought when a particular song comes on , My Pat Benatar and level 42 era music seems to project so many really strong feeling and emotions that sometimes make me laugh and get even a bit somber. can remember my dad asking me to turn down my record player as it was too loud, or my mom coming in and telling me to clean my room and to turn down my beloved Pat Benatar. all this so much more poignant since i live in my childhood home and really hear and feel the senses of deja vu , the room where i once called my own as a kid is now my TV room where we do nothing but watch TV and play on the computer, My best writing comes from this room, and my Friend Robert Nevarez reminded me that he remembered watching Pat Benatar videos from this same room some 30 years ago as i has one of the first VCR recorders and would record Don Kirshners rock concert or whatever I could that had good music on it. now we have YouTube and its a click away and the enjoyment is limitless. So there i sit in my TV room all painted and floored and postered to the nines with some musical memorabilia ,movie posters and my Willie Mays Picture and feel like this is what being a child was like, I go back to that room every night and remember the sounds and sights of my childhood and remember the good and the bad that emulated from this house. As i prepare to paint the exterior of my home I always remember the smell of the freshly cut grass that i hated to mow as a kid, now my yard isa sense of pride for me and try to keep it cut and green and edged and looking nice, the Gophers seem to lie it too but that's the cost of doing business i suppose. Its Monday morning and i plan for a great weekend of working on the house and hanging with some long lost friends and trying to re-invent that feeling of being a kid again. Life is short and life is good and we only get one chance to do it right, i am doing it right and I do love my life and all that it entails, never looking back and taking names and prisoners and enjoying every second that i can. there is so much pain and misery in this world and i cannot be a part of that, not in my home, my head or my world that i live. So God bless those who cannot help themselves and God bless the ones who choose not to help themselves, there is a lot of help out there and realizing that we don't always have the answers and its ok to reach out for help. I am thankful and blessed that i did not allow myself to be closed minded and sought out the answers to my questions, I am doubly intelligent, i knew that i didn't know and now reap the benefits of the new Greg and the new life that has presented itself to me , all i had to do was listen instead of talk. Good Times!

My Monday

My Monday morning comes so slow
rolling over and never know
the time and efforts to make it so
The warmth ,the the feel of my undertow

Sharing thoughts and scattered dreams
stay up late and hopes do seem
realities are giving way
tomorrow, yesterday and today

cerebral is what cerebral does
this head and mind in a constant buzz
I feel it now and time reminds
how beautiful is this life of mine

thing do happen for a cause
a quick glance back for a pregnant pause
life will hand no guaranteed clause
so we fight and claw with affectionate paws

driven to a higher perch
not bibles or a stuffy church
a conscience of no bitter ends
Faith, family and my world class friends!

Its Monday and a new day dawns
morning coffee and sunrise yawns
The glass half empty or half full
or a glass not big enough to hold my Bull

I send my love with sincerity
the new day brings me serenity
looking through a tunnels' door
a light is shining forevermore

Senses at Work

Through these eyes I see the light
Each day comes and brings me joy
bringing my hope and dreams to life
I see real progress for my toils

From my head I feel so free
the guilt ,pains and misery
creations of my destiny
I did not know wait awaited me?

I hear the noise from above
My conscience tugs ,pulls and shoves
the ringing noise I hear inside
true confessions I no longer Hide

I'm feeling fine with my vulnerabilities
I see and hear my own advise
I fix my head and then my ways
Yesterdays Echos bounce off the walls

Feel the power and the Passions
I read he story and the happy endings
I write my book and sell my story
the book is mine to read If I choose

My hands on the pulse of the life I love
I push and pull and grasp my choices
I've made mistakes I've made amends
my wife, my family and my friends

My Susan and Terria

Received a text from my sister in law Susan Duran this morning, a long lost conclusion of family history was brought to bear and she jumped on it and instantly supported my hurts and pains of 24 years ago, the birth of my Son Brandon and the wave of uncertainty that ensued, not knowing all the behind scenes from my sometimes vicious mother who says before she thinks sometimes. Susan got wind of my mothers statement to me some 24 years ago and felt horrible, knowing that I was the best dad that Brandon could ever have, she was very hurt for me and felt horrible knowing that carried this burden and she knew nothing of it, So f course I felt horrible for her and told her that I loved her honesty and support for all of us as long as I have known her. Thank you lord for giving me this wonderful woman to give of herself and give her love to my awesome Brother Rich and sharing the goodness with us all. Ten just minutes later the support keeps rolling in, My Terria calls me and says to me, whats going on, you seem a little down and she read a facebook post and wondered If there was something that she could do, we had spoken of cancelling our Tahoe trip last night and doing something else , Monterrey came up as did San Diego, My wife knows that I hate Weddings and that it seems like such a waste of time and money, which Is why our wedding was an 8 minute ceremony ,quick, 25 people and a simple reception, not trauma drama of a hall and caterers,so the trip to a full blown wedding with relatives that we dont know seemed like a downer for us. But after talking with her it would mean a lot to my Cuz for us to show and to hang with the few we know and she is right, putting somebody Else's feeling first is not a bad thing in this case, besides we will be with our 2 favorite party people ,Tim and April so all is well. We are packing as I write for a 5 day excursion and know we will have a great time.Dammit I hate weddings and she knows I am biting the bullet here but would support me either way, as she always says,As long as we are there together, doesn't matter where we are. So my little morning funk of feeling angry quickly subsided before 11 am this morning with the love that my family shares on a daily basis, Thanks to Terria and to Susan for allowing me to vent, as and those who know me well, I vent alot here writing and this therapy of sharing my thoughts and emotions is just that, sharing and giving of myself by being honest with my emotions! Thanks O wife O' mine for allowing me to communicate by using this forum to spew and by reading my posts on a daily basis and being so supportive of all that I do on a daily basis.I am glad that you enjoy reading what I write... I suppose we can talk about that motorcycle later on !!!!!! Love to my family.

look inside and find solutions

I swear I do too much introspection and self analysis these days. i cannot beat myself up anymore for the things that i have done, but i fight the fight and Battle my way through my own demons which seem to follow my every move. My wants and needs are always met and my possessions are more than a man can ever use, but still I seek, I check and i look for ways to skin the cat that have yet to be found. My minds eye sees what it will, my hearts blood drips about itself trying to figure out which portal to follow next. here I sit and here I write , self decomposing and self medicating all in the same sentence, /i write when i feel mad, I write when i feel sad and i write when things are slightly off kilter, but they they are good I try to find ways to readjust and re tweek that which is already good, and that which is not needing a tune-up. why is it that it is never enough to have what i have, or to be what i am. It's like trying to fix a broken engine with broken parts everything fits but the results are always the same. we have a wedding to attend in Lake Tahoe and i have totally lost interest in it altogether and don't know why, we leave tomorrow and were to have a great trip but i am thinking of cancelling altogether because i will get there and wish i was someplace else and doing something else and not a big fan of relative and pretending like a give a shit about them and all that debauchery is comical to me. i hate wedding period , the are depressing to me, a wedding is the pinnacle of a relationship and it only falls downward from there , there is no ascension, only descending in a downward way until somebody crashes and burns and inevitably falls off the marital wagon, yeah i would know , the fuck up that I have become ! But I regress in my own ways and my own time , rebuilding myself to peak performance only to get bored again and try to find something stimulating again, maybe a new motorcycle to skirt death and exhilarate myself at the risk of terrorizing my loving family and worrying them every ride out, but we shall see about that until then i need to get my shit straighter than it is, its good, but not great where it needs to be. I'm finding out what love truly is and what love can potentially become, I am just not ready for the responsibilities of failure anymore

bang down the Walls

hard headed and closing the doors
I never thought I would need your help
life is simple til I complicated it so
So I walked into a hard brick wall

Tired of fighting the inevitable
I sought out refuge and came up short
the fight , the fight , the damn fight
everyday is here to stay

forgiving and forgetting are my best friends
I seek my balance and my recompence
of strngth, og faith and hoping to find
the tranquility of life that is mine

Being so thankful and ever proud
I scream and pray to you aloud
giving me all and bringing me home
I could never do my gig alone

My Doc, my Rock, my thoughtful soul
I know so little still hold so much
the burdens, the joys, the solutions close
My life, my Wife paving my roads

my barriers I held in my heart
letting loose the rope around my neck
the cavernous void in my halls
Rejuvenate and broken down walls

no more voids and no second guesses
I feel the breeze at my back
The goodness of second chances
improving upon perfect romances