Truths Be Told

Been awhile since I've seen Michael and have finally realized that there are some issues that are still lingering about . Some of which are current and past events re-visited and really pissing me off. There seems to be things that come back to me and really upset my thought process, some of which aren't even my doing but nonetheless play with my mind and my emotional state, being a person who doesn't push thins under the rug I feel I need to deal with them. So here we go with the unleashing of some internal crap that at times drives me nuts but will be dealt with properly!

First of all coming to grips with selling the motorcycle and not riding the bike anymore, As I told Terria today the real reason was that I wasn't riding it as much as I needed to to justify keeping it and actually the lack of riding was a s a result of not feeling comfortable riding anymore and really a little afraid of crashing again. Noticed on each and every ride since I bought it that there was always the point where I thought I was going to crash or wondered how bad it would be if I crashed in a particular spot during the ride, no way to enjoy the ride, being afraid and always pondering the worst case scenario, never thought like that prior to November 22, 2009. Not much fun anymore to contemplate the inevitable accident, so I have let it go and move on to other endeavors ,enough about that and I move onto the next case in point.

I am on my second marriage, the mother of my first son Brandon on occasion comes back to visit my boy and makes it all seem dandy after she abandoned both of us 17 plus years ago for another man, that' in itself was ok, not the major issue, just left me to rebuild a broken little boy and his thoughts and emotions were shattered by the mother he loved so much and she disappointed him so much, not just that one time as a child but more as an adult when they moved in together as he was giving her a second chance to be his mom, she lasted a few months and abandoned him again, moving out of state and leaving her son, My son alone to pay an Apartment rent that he could barely afford, forced him to take a roommate and he lived there for a year struggling and drinking his sorrows away. So she decides to come visit him this past week and again I wonder what bullshit she promises him this time, what she has said or done to him to make him feel guilty for her fuck up? I wonder and fume at the thoughts and possibilities of the negativity that she is capable of bringing into my sons life with her very presence. For some reasons , her presence this week brought back the guilt and feeling of my affair a year and a half ago and it pains me to think about it, Morales asks me if I have forgiven myself, I say yes but evidently I have not forgiven myself enough to move onward in the direction that I should be by now, I need to figure this thing out because it's frustrating to go backwards with my mindset in regards to the bad decisions I made and the precious people that I had hurt!  So he took her back to the airport today and she was on her way back to Washington state to do whatever it is she does and leaves my boy alone until the next time she meddles at my boys mind and his life I will again cringe at her very presence, so  feel good about her going back home and being away from my boys everyday. That's done and done and I move onto the last issue that drives me a little batty at times, my other two boys!!!!

Ty and Braz have grown up so quickly, too quickly mind you and it has driven me a bit crazy at times. I feel so helpless to make an impact and guide them in the right direction, they are not the 5 and 6 year olds that I met 14 years ago and took them as my own as I still do to this day. The boys have taken to adulthood quicker than they were prepared and put themselves in precarious situations with their choices of not only mates, but the type of girls that they are are in love with. Both of the boys are in dysfunctional, very abusive relationships and seemingly aren't able to get away from them...why? I ask that question each and every day and come up with the same answer, can't get through to those who don't want to or aren't capable of listening and learning and choose to live and make their own mistakes over and over again. as a parent , very maddening to watch the kids you love fall on their faces and do what they think is right when they do not know what is right since they haven't lived long enough to observe or listen to anybody who knows more than they do since they know everything and nothing at all matters unless it's them who make the choices and decisions. Ty will be a father in February  and at this point in his life is incapable of dealing with anything other than his Narcissism and failing miserably at that as well, bringing a new life into this world with an angry woman will only bring about an angry child...not a good situation. BrazTerria they are living the carbon copy existence of their Father and his current wife in a world of dysfunctional and everlasting unhappiness, so sad to me but as parents we try to be supportive of their good and bad but seem to be dealing with the bad as we speak and it bothers us both very ,very much. Other than that, we are Golden and perfect right!!! So off to Michael I go!