Time To Think

What a dreary day it has continued to be, the day is nearing it's end and feeling pretty good about the day so far. The gym will get a day off today and a much needed rest for me as I try to regenerate some vigor and energy to do it all over again on Thursday after work. Terria has left a carte Blanche offer for dinner tonight and we put our heads together for a meal made at home or a meal served to us via restaurant? No clue and no worries, either way i will be with my Honey and she will be there for me as she always has been

Been thinking about my therapist Michael again, think I might want to go back and visit with him just to rattle a few things at him about a few things that have come across my mind. Feeling somewhat helpless in certain areas and trying to stop being so ready to snap into rescuer mode again and leave myself alone in the dust to figure it all out, I'm not there but seem to feel I could talk to him about it and help guide me into the right frame of mind.But whatever I choose to do I'm in a good place just more ready to see some of the personal indicators of the past that help me to get my guard up.

AS I think back on Braz's last night here I can remember the conversation we had about the way he perceived my treatment of him growing up, I thought long and hard and tried to figure out in my mind where and how could have done better with all of my boys? I was always in teacher mode and felt I had to overcompensate for the fact that the boys dad and Brandon's mom were less than ideal for nurturing and teaching the boys to be better human beings. So I live and learn and listened to what Braz said and how he felt so inept and tried so hard to make me proud of him, i am and always have been proud of them but told him that way back when he made it very clear to me that I wasn't his biological father then I knew I had to respect that, didn't change my examples or my parenting but he would have to make every first move to get closer  to me and never did, so here we are years later and he feels like I chose his brother and Brandon over him when In fact I was respecting his wishes to never step on his dad's fatherhood unless he allowed me too, well he came to me the other night and essentially cried out to me to do so, so I will be a more open individual towards him and his thoughts and actions and get more into his face when it comes to being a parent! As for now the thought of our conversation is real ground breaking stuff for both of us and will hope to make it grow stronger as the days pass!