It's so amazing to me that i realize that I really have nothing to say, nothing of value ,other than to me and my opinions, or ego! Seems so funny that the years of expression and the countless bits of writing and spew over the years have replaced my need to infringe upon other peoples time or their ear bendings that I have always run away from, never wanted to bother anybody with my issues, my problems or my life. My life is incredible, the things i do and have are really cool but yet I share with no one and feel good about that fact.
My world is very small these days, my friends are few and far between visits with Scott, Or Shawn, Brad and Chris, other than that i am very alone and very duty free socially and i like it like that. Seems so weird when my best friend Scott can go a year or months without talking or seeing each other and boom out of the blue we connect as if the time was yesterday since we last spoke, i love that guy and know he is the real deal and will always have a place in my life for Mr. hunt! The same is true for the rest of my buddies , each one so different from the next, so damn cool to have such a good sample of life in and amongst my friends and the disparities are too many to list here.
As I previously stated the blogosphere is a dying thing for me, I push away a bit and get back to the roots of what makes me tick, I dig and dig and still look for that special something that will invigorate my thoughts and my mind to do something truly positive to get me where i think I'd like to be. That's just the thing, i' don't know where i want to be and don't, or can't really pinpoint anything that pushes me in that direction to seek and destroy that missing piece of whatever it is I'd like to see or feel. Through my therapy with Morales there has been some things that came out but nothing that hit me over the head and say" That's it" nothing just the same old suppression of feelings which I attribute to my need for privacy and sharing very little. This Blog has never been a true depiction of what i feel, it scratches the surface of what land I'm in but never really opened myself up to allow anybody to get too close or truly understand what this man is all about. I am what I am and that has always been a mind wandering seeker of the next best thing, whatever it may be , lack of worthiness, i think not , suppression of feelings, Not really! I get my shit dome and don't really drape around waiting for shit to take care of itself, so not really sure if therapy has helped me or confused me. I just know I am not going anymore and for no fault of Morales i can say that it has allowed me to think deeper and as he puts it" Go deeper in to Suppression mode, for I don't want to feel" Well i feel plenty and I share enough with my Wife to know that i don't ever stop feeling or sharing I just don't leave it out there for too long.
So as I close this I can honestly say, I feel good about where I am and even where i have been, the mistakes I have made have made me better, made me realize that I had some things to look deeper into and i have. I can't stay in the constant state of analyzing and think that somebody else is going to snap me into a place that I don't agree that I have strayed away from, but that s my mindset , that's where I am and I break my shit and I try to fix my shit. I can't be perfect, don't ever want to be perfect and take me as I am with flaws all..I certainly have to!
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