Not a Complaint to be Had

Nearing 1 pm and still sitting at the front waiting for my lunchtime relief to take me away from all of this and allow me a healthy lunch. so very proud of Terria and her dedication to her healthy lifestyle and her workout regiment. So very strong and yet so very much the woman who would never want to cross again, and I mean again , never, ever again do i want to piss her off. LOL anyway knowing she has a kick ass presentation today at work and will do well and put people in their respective places, such the fighter and champion to all that deserve her kindness i suppose. In looking back on things we are all very fortunate to be where we are these days, so much going on and so much has happened behind us that have only made us better and stronger as people and as a couple. I can only say that in my recent readings and research ,both personal and via the media avenue i have ventured out and found some really cool ideas, mindsets that sort of coincide with my own but help me expand my already rich views on myself, my life and my precious family. In finding my was i can look at myself in the mirror and see the person that i want to see and not look away in fear and shame anymore. there is a defining point in our lives when we decide to take a chance or make a move in a particular direction that we can better serve the life that we live. Being that as it may, i have all that anybody could ever want , take away all that i own and i still am richer than anybody that i know, the fact that personal growth and richness starts within and bleeds outward and allows me and those that matter to touch others lives through kindness and through being a positive influence on others. Through my self education of thought processes and the growth of realizing that we are all flawed people, we all have issues and that's not so bad as long as we are growing away from those issues. That seems to be me in a nutshell, too strong, to smart and too stubborn at time and yet have come to the realization that I cannot heal what i don't know is ailing, the broken pieces of me are all too familiar yet never easy to fix and move forward, this i feel is human nature and the facts that are ringing in my ears to be true, we are on way to somewhere, we are either getting better or worse but we should never stand still and wait for things to change.  The evolving and revolving of our lives is ours to own, mistakes will be made and the fact is we are human and we are all broken, and yet so very fixable and the panic mode we put ourselves into can make very fixable very very difficult to see clearly. We are human and we all have issue, i have really accepted that as truth in my world, the biggest dilemma is how to we get there from here and healing be the part of our growth that never stops ?I have come to the assumption that we're all flawed, we are all broken and our lives are forever a series of picking up broken pieces and finding their rightful places as they pertain to us, this is a battle of problem solving versus problem creating and the checks and balances that we self create if we do it properly. Yeah i think too much and ponder life too deeply but at the end of the day i can always say I never left that stone unturned and never going to say Should , woulda, coulda ever again. I'm so over killing myself for being myself and am accepted for me by all those  who give a rats Arse! At the end of each day i realize again... how blessed I am for all the right reasons!

Born in the USA, please move forward

So the news of Obama's Birth certificate is big news I see, WOW! and we take Trump seriously why???? no really why do we as Americans listen to the most retarded people on the earth and take them seriously. Yeah ,I'd say we have issues as a country and really need to take a realistic look at ourselves and get beyond the stupid ideology and really look into doing what's right for the people who pay the bills, We the taxpayers! so beyond the political stupidity that this country has become, with the Palin's and Trumps and Bachmanns even being heard speaks volumes about the fact that we are in serious trouble, yet we get a visionary as President who is ridiculed and not being worked with and is called the messiah, the Socialist and the Nazi, has racial epitaphs painted clearly to see and people think that it's ok to do this. the smartest President we could possibly ever have is standing up to the continual racial bigotry and the constant opposition to they retarded ideology that the religious right has made so popular these days. Knowing that there is hope, i stand back and know that the good of al will come out and the hatred filled forms around us will be exposed for what they are and hiding behind their bibles will not help them anymore. It did pleasure me to see Lawrence O'donnell hand Limbaugh  his ass after he was spewing about what would Jesus take if he were President, raising taxes versu other crap, and Good Ol' Lawrence used the bible to show the ignorance of Rush and his lack of knowledge of the bible and most other things to illustrate how that side of the ailse thinks so close mindedly and generally wrong with their facts on things that matter. But always being first to throw Rocks in glass houses i see the house of glass coming down upon them come 2012 election time. i do have faith in humanity but the fact remains that there are too many narrow minded bible thumpers out there that have their own agenda and we are not in that equation. so here's to hope and prosperity without their assistance and without their knowledge, for without a conscience and the intelligence , there will never be the headache. good days ahead and good times for sure!

A Deep Breath Of Goodness

The worlds a crazy place these days and all is not well globally. However I can say that my smallish corner of the globe is really rotating smoothly on it's axis and it feels really good these days! So much drama going on around us all and so many unhappy people amongst our grips, some friends, family and siblings seemingly have it hard right now. I guess there is a reason for my complexities , and the fact that i can truly say, i get my shit done, my dirty laundry cleaned and the mud off of my face. The past year and a half has brought me a boat load of issues, all manageable and all taken care of yet the troubles around me will always be there. This i cannot control, the lives and issues of others must be pushed back in the fray and allow myself to not get caught up in the whirlwind of other people's life. Not that i stopped caring, just stopped trying to fix everybody and have things to say and share to help others get on track, not my job to fix, just to listen and take it all in and at times  say thank you God for letting this not be ME! Selfish as that sounds i feel i have paid my due to the world. by caring, giving ,loving and doing al that I could to help others, comes a point in peoples lives when the need to learn to help themselves, otherwise my help goes on deaf ears.  When you have everything that a man can possible have in life we always , or i always naturally tend to look for more, bigger , better , faster , whatever it is being content isn't always about having things, but for me being emotionally, mentally and cerebrally challenged in some sort of way. i love my life and the things that are a part of it, the people who touch me everyday and the thoughts that are shared are priceless. with the advent of having children have always  taken front seat to what we as adults see in the big picture. Giving of ourselves is the biggest single thing that we as selfish human being must do, to let the ME thing go and to see life through the eyes of those who truly matter. Life is great but i expect it to get better, this is not a selfish way of looking at things but a realistic portrait of where i want to be in the future. If I'm not going forward ,i;m going backwards as I've always said. The things that are immeasurable are just that, i have no way to thank the important people who have shaped my life and my thought process to be open and willing to be even more open to the ways of becoming a better man altogether. Today is a stepping stone to better  ways of doing things tomorrow, i live ,i learn, i love! God Have giving me everything I have ever needed and more than I have ever wanted, the riches come in so many forms, none of which are money and possessions but the state of minds to be thankful and give something back to this life!!

Back

After a few days of contemplation and reorder in my corner I will once again try to write again, the pencil and pad just doesn't cut it for me and I cannot penalize myself for what is deemed something positive for me to use and feed off of. THe past week or so have been emotionally turbulent with Braz in Afghan land and ready to fight the fight, meanwhile me and mom sit tight and wait for any notifications we can get from him at any time. He communicates through facebook with terria and I am no longer on Facebook for my own reasons , mostly a waste of time for me so I find other avenues to spew a little nonsense whenever I want and not have to deal with the constant responses on my phone thru facebook. So I have read 6 books over the past 5 weeks and am reading another right now, more about my father and his stay in a POW camp for 3 1/2 years , the whole subject discusses me but I feel compelled to read on and find our al I can on the hell my father and his fellow troops endured during that time, more later when time and interests permits

Private Writing...or Not?

After a rough night last night and the ongoing distrust that I've created since last March time frame I'm going to pull the plug on my writing on this site. I know that Terria will be disappointed but in my honest opinion i have put my thoughts out to the world for too long now and truly feel like i have no privacy, required to answer what i was thinking or said is not my idea of free writing so i need to move onto  writing the old fashioned way where my thoughts are my own and i won't ever need to explain anything ever again. Yeah I'm a fuck up and yeah I'm as ass at times but I am who i am and that's all i can be. I say what i want when I want and that will never change, over the course of my shit spewing dialogue i always seem to piss somebody off and i don't need to justify shit to anybody anymore so i move back to a more familiar arena of writing which is very important to me. Being as selfish as i am i understand that i take away a pleasure of Terrias and i do not like that aspect of it all but the main focus of my writing is  for me, and for that I will never apologize since I've been writing for over 30 years seriously and able to explore myself through my writings. Today is another day in the life of Greg and still have yet to be fully accepted as the way i a and the ways of me are never conventional and I cannot change that nor do i ever want to. i do want to become a better person and a better husband but the old adage of making chicken salad out of chicken shit is probably closer to the truth. I fell no depression or anger just a little disappointed at the turn of events that make me turn to another avenue for coverage of my emotions. Terria has been nothing but incredible throughout the past year and I feel that I need to regain a little space for myself through my writing and express myself better when I'm alone in my own world of thoughts. I have been able to produce 2 books of my writings which i proudly display on my coffee table or on some dusty shelf somewhere, regardless my stupid ass is tired of looking back and hurting over and over again for all of my shortcomings so moving on to pen and paper might give me the strength and freedom to really unload  but we shall see, don't honestly know that i am committed to that either, i hate writing manually , my penmanship has become horrible and i know this to be true so we shall see, maybe more reading will quench my thirst and let somebody else write for a change . who knows! good times, good day!

Makes me wonder

I just finished reading the book "Divinity of doubt  by Vincent Bugliosi and must say to date, it is the most thought provoking book I have ever read! It touches on so many thought rattling subject of our faith as Christians that it truly makes me think deeper and believe harder in what I really feel ans a christian. The term was brought up again that reiterates what my Spiritual guru Frank schaeffer says about Christianity, "the golden rule is by definition the way we should act a Christians, treat people with love and respect and hope that they return the same and we would all be better off in this world. Bugliosi touched upon this Golden rule and says that whether or not we are Christians and believe in god that we all should look to the golden rule and a staple in how we look at ourselves and our treatment of the world around us. I have been very reflective here lately in trying to summon the inner portions of my goodness and see through all of the negativity in our world today, the republican hate campaign, the world disasters and all of the Deaths and murders that take place on an hourly, minute by minute basis. yet i know it is the faith that we must summon to squelch all the negative thoughts and to put aside the retribution's in my mind that i will get even with those who inflict pain's and hurt on others unnecessarily and then come to points of the book that state , that God is an all knowing ,all powerful and ever present God who for some reason allows these atrocities to occur, does he want us to feel pain and be miserable??? I don't really know but this has been a question of mine for years and nobody can ever answer it properly, just have faith they say, but that's not the answer I want to hear and show me reasons why Atheists aren't wrong in their lack of belief in gods existence. we will get there i know and the world will somehow correct itself respective to where I live and breathe, i cannot or will not change the walls outside my door. i try to become a better person but it seems like my human nature can get in the way ! until later , i am off to lunch

Slow Days Indeed

Been a few since last posting anything on here, not much really to talk about, have a weekend of fun and frolic planned ,Golf ,Motorcycle and Gym and the other usual activities will envelope the weekend, throw in a nice dinner or two and there you have it. Sorry Terria not much to write about but am enjoying my books that I have been reading over the past month and really giving me more to think about. I truly believe that our President has his hands full with the religious right jackoffs who just have their own agenda of ideology and no common sense. I for one do not mind paying taxes if it means having roads and public education, but the republican'ts see this as Socialism, same tired old arguments and yet have no solutions but to cut taxes and watch the country whittle away. Oh well, I'm off to start my great day with my wife and see where it really takes sus today, plans are nicer, flying by the seat of my pants is sometimes nicer!

Buffalo Tom: Torch singer (acoustic 1993)

My Favorite Buffalo Tom Tune....Ever!!!!!!! So many good times were had at their shows, which were plenty in the 90's

Growth Happens

Made a Twitter run a few minutes ago, don't really get it but still contribute a bit, have a few writers that i follow, Schaeffer, Ed Shultz and some others who rally pique my intellectual and spiritual awareness.  So with the pending Govt shutdown tomorrow and a weekend filled with plans we move onward to the ppositivity that we know as Greg's Life.  Have a viewing of a family friend who recently passed and a funeral tomorrow, Golf with terria and the boys tomorrow if the rain stays away and then a nice trip to Roscoe's Chicken and waffles for my Niece Kristen's 18th birthday dinner/lunch/breakfast, don't know what time yet. Then make time to watch the final 2 rounds of the Masters golf tourney on the tube. Tomorrow is an off Friday for me and I will kick off my busy weekend with an early trip to the gym and prepare for the funeral later on in the day at 1. we have a tentative T-time at 330 and will play if it doesn't rain s thats a 50/50 proposition at the weather mans beck and call. The workday is really slow and not a whole lot going on , finished another book and am starting another ,"Idiot America" so far really good and a good find, Republican Gomorrah was a great book that i just finished , trying to read more and keep my mind working in a positive manner  and keeping the wheels of this mind lubed and primed and ready to fire away when needed! Richard brough in his baby girl Lylee in to work today, adorable and such pinchable cheeks...and i did thank you very much. Good to see him with his girl and knowing he has a fight on his hands for custody with the baby's mother. So much to fight for but so much to lose as well. i wish him well in his struggles to find reason with a Narcissistic person such as she is. So my day is nearig the lunch bell, not knowing what i will do or what i will eat if anything at all. nothing really toucheds my palate as being good to eat right now but it is an early 330 day for me and i get to go to the gym after work and then go to the viewing in Camarillo. THe viewing will be at conejo park where my father is buried and i might take a trip to see my dad for a bit, always weird to go back there and feel the pains and aches that i felt some 27 years ago, but we have progressed and moved on and now that life has taken over and put us in places we never imagined traversing towards we live and learn and prosper with the diversity we call our lives. A great place to be and a great patter of growth and true love for a man who has it all, and always seemingly wants more! Maybe the whole idea of standing still means you're going backwards gets played in my head too much these days. whatever the case may be there are no smoke and mirrors in my life just a clear reflection of who I am and what i have become in the grand scheme of things, Better?, Stronger? Smarter? who knows, but the fact remains, I wouldn't trade places with anybody in the world!

Taking Stock and inventory

Good day off yesterday, glad to get my boy from LAX and back home from Washington visiting his mother. As usual he ges there and gets apprehensive as to why he cares anymore about his dysfunctional mother and her new way of living. Funny how he tells me her husband almost acts like a macho mexican man who really doesn't do anything for himself, kinda pisses Brandon off that his step dad is so useless, being that he is so self sufficient himself and sees how i am splitting the load with Terria in regards to cooking and cleaning, this guy apparently can't do anything or chooses not to, it's whatever to me, that's on Brandon's mom and she chooses to live like that , can't stop to think about her looking back and thinking maybe I wasn't so bad after all, nonethelesss glad to be out of that marriage and onto a better way of living my life these days!!! I was ab;le to get in my workout and even a motorcycle ride after i picked Brandon up from the airport. The weather was flawless and looks even better today. We have out first Golf outing with Terria this Friday, weather permitting , and look forward to Terria getting out there for her first trip on the course.  I am really glad to see where my world has evolved these days, looking back I see so much pain and destruction but i also look forward and even back not too far and see the progress that has been made. Ther Greg that i was was always Good, but the greg that has emerged today is better with a new sense of awareness that therapy has allowed me to open up the vault and get allot of the baggage out on the table and start to sort through it all.  The hardest part of this process is reralizing that there are years of doing things counter productively that just don't go away at thew snap of a finger, it takes time and effort and the knowledge to know how to clean up the messes thgat have been made over the course of my 48 years here on Earth. I have so  much suport and love with no smoke or mirrors but true love and admiration for Terria that it really allows me to see what I have and what my triggers towards negativity have been at the forefront of my thought process. Being a very sexual and aggressive person I have found that the Porn that i thought was healthy and normal to watch is maybe the trigger to some of my mistakes over the past year, there is never lacking in this area but there is a sensation that somehow premeates inside when i do venture to the pronoigraphic side of town on my computer. There are many other things that seemingly are involved that we have yet to find the main trigger responses but they are close at hand and I do realize that the Porn is not the reason , but maybe a by-product of some other deeper seeded issues that counseling has yet to uncover. I'm open for solutions and feel that I am a good persona nd husbnad but also feel that the best wife in the world deserves the best husband in the world and I'm not there yet and will do whatever i need to get there as soon as I possibly can. Life is a journey not a destination i always say and the trips to nowhere are plentiful, the detours are always there to be found but getting back onto the main highway is always the key to finding the right places to be in the journey and the right solutions are always there for me with my loving support groupo of family, kids and a special Wife that gives so much. I only want to give back all that is gibven and then some and never wan tto become a stagnant leaf on the pond and wait for the currents of life to push me in another direction, make things happen , be positive and the waters of change will always be at our back becuase swimming upstream is a bullshit way to live and fooling myself into thinking that everything is great where it sits will not happen. I am so blessed

The Daily Dose Of Mondays

After a very uneventful weekend almost a relief to be back at work, No don't take offense to that comment Terria just nice to have something to do and not as much free time to ponder what we will do all of the time! Lesson # 3 for Terria at the Golf course and ready for her first attempt on the greens this Friday with Tim and Tommy, a great 4-some and a chance for Terria to see what this great game is all about. Sunday was a very lazy day, took everything i had to get the energy to go for a ride and then to push ourselves for an after 6 pm run to the gym. The ride around the lake was an effortless jaunt where the speed was up and the caution was as well, since the accident i pick my spots to hit it hard and know that road like the back of my hand and know where to push and where to back off a bit. Did hook up with a rider or two on the Lake, one was slow, the other was fast ,still my instincts always tell me to pass and get them out of the way, i chose to sit behind and observe on this day and my better judgement paid off in the forms of a safe ride home. But back in the day i would have passed and checked out, but had fun following a slower rider and was able to enjoy watching somebody else lean in front of me, I've been told that riding behind me is like watching a runaway bus going downhill, pretty funny!  The week takes Terria back to school from her spring break and allows her to get back into the routine of it all. A nice departure from having too much time on our hands. I really look forward to the summer time when i can ride and golf after work whenever i want and to be able to take my wife with my on the golf course is an added bonus. Hope she hits the new Pings we got her better than ever and she is really progressing in her lessons and hitting the ball more solid every day! The workday is started and very little going on , we have 3 people out of the office today and  have front desk duty most of the day and won't take a lunch til after 1230, which will probably take me to the driving range here on base for a round of working on my game and making solid contact a more consistent event. The weather is great here today and i feel like not being here today but knowing we have some people absent today made me come in. tomorrow I get off , picking up Brandon from LAX after his trip to Seattle to visit his mom, the Southwest Planes are still grounding pending further inspections of their fleet of 737 which is alright by me as long as it gets our boy home safely . So the rest of the day is in front of me and the past is the past, trying to figure out something to bring up on Thursday when we visit Michael but am drawing a blank at this time, I'm sure we can muster up something regarding the topics in our lives and the pains of yesterdays gone by, we live and we grow and build upon this growth each and every day! good Days and Better tomorrows      

Life's Cruel Realities

After work yesterday I hopped on the Bike and went for a ride around my now famous Lake Casitas, the weather was ideal and the 86 degree heat was great once i got moving on the road. Things were fun and the road was very quiet. Get home to Some very disturbing news from Terria that a family  friend died from a massive heart attack and it kinda took the air out of our sails, Terria visibly shaken all i could do was get off the bike and hug her and tell her i love her. It really puts outr days into perspective when you lose somebody who just turnee 50 a month ago, but life is so precious and yet so fickle and the reasons for life's occurences never have to make sense , they just happen! So after a quiet night and much reflection on our own lives we stop and think a bit about what really matters in life and it all boils down to enjoying every monute and second of our existance, we have a limited time to  live and so many opportunities to be happy! So I put my book down and head to bed to hang with my Terria who is lying in bed drifting off into space, i ask how she's doing and rub her and tell her i love her again! Watch a little Becker on DVD and turn in and start a long converdsation with my wife about life , and our up bringing and the realtionships we have ,or had with our parents and really struck us as strange to reflect back on things and come to some realizations about who we are and how we were essentially stymied as kids and thus paid for it as adults in the forms of dysfunction in our lives and things we have done as adults! Terria asked me an incredible question which left me reeling in a sense, Asked if I have found any new triggers, or any new types of behavior to take me away from who i am, Ido monitor my feelings and do try to see what sparks certain reactions to certain things as they occur. Through my therapy with michael i am taught to  recognize feelings and not suppress them , dealing with my demons of suppression have really set mne back in the past so i try to jump in and at least can recognize when i am suppressing and when i do tackle my life the way it is intended to be dealt with. so the conversation with Terria was another cleansing of my psyche and soul and allows me to be honest with myself and to really get intuned with the issues that come up in my everyday life. i am so much more capable of dealing with these issues and not pushing them aside as I did in the past, for this I am eternally grateful for being given the tools and ways to mend my broken self! Today is another triumph in our lives, another day to explore and enjoy the goodness that is God given on a daily basis. I have to learn to forgive myself for being flawed and recognizing that these flaw exist is the single greatest thing to ever come aboard my boatload of issues, that will be dealt with... one issue at a time. So i progress on to the day and look forward to a lunch date with my Terria and share the hour of goodness with her. The weekend calls for a ride, some Golf and a few nice rides with my wife. so looking forward with the weather being great and the company being even better than that. all is incredibly well and I plan on maintaining that and improving upon it each and every day!