Bad Anniversary Nov -1, 2023

Tomorrow will be a sad reminder

Will be 1 year from the end of something great

My world , my life took a serious tumble

A fall from which I've yet to recover

The things that I remember

The things that I forgot

The tears that have fallen

All the wasted years

My apologies and remorse have run me over

The day keeps coming back

I remember free falling

Without my safety net

Now I'm left to fend for myself

No love or warmth to hold my hands

No help to get around

I force myself to be self sufficient

This memory that haunts me 

The reminders all around

No words from the girl who was my love

Just a picture of Drew Dog

I ruined a perfect day for us

The accomplishments of my boy

I'm so proud of all that he has done

I'm so fucking disappointed for who I am

How does one recover

I don't want love again

It hurts too much to care so much

And lose it all over again

I have choices to make from her

To what, where and how

I'd love to stand for something good again

Instead of having things taken away

 

OCT 31 , 2024

 Today is a day I really dread

Halloween is not my jam

I remember not liking it as a kid

I dressed up only once

What I do enjoy is handing out candy

Watching the kids in their jubilant state

So young and happy to be alive

That energy I would love to have

The creatures and the costumes

The littles dressed and ready

I wait for the pictures

Of the boys and their bountiful grab

I wonder why Halloween meant nothing to me

Why I enjoy the joys of others

I guess my addiction to reality

Doesn't allow a creative fun side

The candy bowl is filled to the brim

Backups close behind

I hope the kids come out tonight

I'd hate the eat the leftovers

To break away from reality

Maybe I should give it a try

I relive my childhood through my boys

The three word phrase that fills the night

Mind Break

 I'm taking a drive tonight

I had no destination in mind just drive

I ended up in downtown Santa Barbara 

To clear the mind and free myself

It feels good to drive again

Been over 2 years since I had driven

Injuries from my bicycle accident made it unsafe

So I drive as much as I can 

My mind and thoughts have been escaping me

I have too many things simultaneously running

Slowing down my broken mechanism

To the snails pace in which I walk 

Driving in Santa Barbara I reminisced 

The music venues and concert bars

My twenties were spent walking those streets 

Those were good times I remember them well

As I pull away from the big game

I realize I don't need to care

Time with myself for myself 

Had made me line up a thought or two

All of this thinking made me thirsty

I blew off chicken piccada to get away 

I ended up in Carpenteria

Where my best friend have our monthly meet

Again I heard that trigger song 

Affectionately called the last dance song 

I blew off sorrow and sang along

Because I'm unable to dance anymore 

So many thoughts of yesterday

40 years and moving forward

I needed this drive for so many reasons

I need a minute to wipe away some tears

I'm not sad ,angry or bitter anymore

Who really should care if nobody cares back

I've learned no lessons ,but of people

Who have shocked and disappointed me

My personal therapy session is over

This really disinfected the spoils

I can drive the 30 minutes home content

I'm making strides in meeting tomorrow 

Can't Escape it

 I heard another familiar song today 

Driving along it hit me again

A trigger, a dagger in my throat

Speechless, thoughts filled with negativity 

I've tried very hard to mend my fences

The holes yet patched and can see it through

I get real anxious when I think of things

That show my life with you

Too many times I blame myself

For failing to maintain my life

The comforts of the nicer things

That somehow meant nothing to me

That song I hear too often now

Reminds me where i was

I was dancing with my former wife

For the first and the last time

I won't turn it off or turn it down

A great memory and a great song

I embrace the thoughts,love and the dance

I still waiting for that call

Some things are like a decadent dessert

The looks the smell and tastes 

Too tempting to refrain and walk away

I eat it and hate myself 

Brandon's Chocolate Cake

 Things that occupy my mind

Things worthwhile of my time

The sweetest things I can find

Come out my hot oven

When I feel quirky I write

When I feel sad I write some more

When I feel good about thing

I'll bake a chocolate cake

Experiment and give it all

Extra this and more of that

There is no set recipe

It changes in my head

The oven is warming and getting hot

My mixture is doctored and ready to go

Set up the timer and close the door

I can smell it now ,chocolate in the air

The cakes are baking and 30 minutes to go

The timer ticks down don't let it over cook

Preparing the toppings and fillings right now

More chocolate, cream, butter and vanilla mixing it up

If you like dark chocolate frosting

Chocolate ganache filled layered decadence

Almost ready to be devoured

Sweet tooth and love of Chocolate is a requirement

It's cooled and trimmed and ready to cover

Enveloped in chocolate frosting

Each layer filled with amazing ganache

Eat it today, go to the gym tomorrow

No Purpose

 I often ask myself

Why am I here

What is my purpose

What am I supposed to be doing

Doesn't feel like I've done much

There is no real purpose

I've had it all it seems

Evidently it wasn't ever enough

I think about the daily grind

I can write about how I feel

Nothing much excites me anymore

Everybody hates everything

Why do I feel so disinterested?

Why do feel like I've lost

When does the sun shine bright on my psyche

Why do I search so hard for answers

I've lost too much in my life

I've given away more than that

At one time I felt sorry for being me

Now I can accept it I'm really not that bad?

The new freedoms my choices have allowed me

Can take me places I shouldn't go

There's so much negativity that awaits me

I'm sure I'll walk right on in

I wish I could look back and be a proud man

I've disappointed too many to feel that way

I see myself how others judge me

The space I occupy is wasted on someone more worthy

Our Boy

 My heart is shattered tonight

My little boy is hurting

I can't be there to help him right now

He misses his little boys

In a foreign room alone with his thoughts

The devil is home to plot her next vengeful act

Why are people so hurtful

Why is she so useless to those that matter most

My boy needs me tonight

He cries alone with his thought

I pray for him and talk to him

My sons' pain is my own, I share it with his mom too

We are helpless tonight

Tomorrow brings a fight that won't be pretty

I might be swinging the hardest, yelling the loudest

Nobody messes with my boys

So Mom and Dad and family alike

Pray for our boys tonight

Let there be an end result

That allows 2 not meant for each other a freedom pass

Lawyer up son I said to him

get ready for the fight of all fights

I got you covered on all sides

Go fight for your boys and make it right

Mom is enroute to patch up the bumpy road

I wish I could be there for my boy

I'll wait for a call and progress report

God put my mind at ease

I Ask

 There's a cold breeze blowing through my heart today

Nobody listens ,nobody hears me

I didn't ask for much

I wasn't even acknowledged

I guess its' ok it seems to be the normal reaction

Whatever I touch turns to powdered dirt

The silence and avoidance is making me tired

I can't change the dressing on the wounds 

I can't blame anyone for the way they handle me

I can't change that horrible perception

I can honestly say

I won't wear the burden any longer

There's a point in time when it hits real hard

Realizing that the chase is over

There's no way I'll ever be heard

There's no way to be understood

I tried to go about the proper way

Asking for permission for the simple things

That memory I could hold in my hand

It would bring me such joy is that such a crime

The point has been made

Ground rules have been set

I will stay off your lawn

I should have never played on in the first place

I won't chase the memory of yesterday

My mind seeks a better way

To overcome and rise above 

The pettiness that I cannot control

Retrospect

 I feel really old today

not physically just mentally stuck on retrospect mode

Looking backwards at what used to be

relive it somehow to bring it back to life

Thoughts of my kids when they were young

School days and Christmas plays

Baseball and football practice

Ridiculously funny dinner conversations not meant for humor

Ex wives in deep conversation with me

One eye looking at them ,the other at the Game on TV

If only I could have looked them in the eyes

Turning the TV off

Trips to our favorite restaurants

Brandon's Chocolate chip pancake and potatoes

So many places we would go

Some are gone others bring memories won't allow me to go

I have really thought about being a young father

A very bad father at the time

I eventually learned a few things

I passed them on to my newer kids

Now my kids have had kids

7 grandchildren I call the "Littles"

Strewn all over the country

Some I'm not allowed to see

I've been married twice

I have failed twice

I've been good at fucking things up

So dinner for one at the counter please

I can run it back as many times as I want

Not sure I was ever happy or content

It was never an issue of the glass half full/half empty

My glass and it's desires were always too big

I know so many wish they could change their pasts

Make amends and do it over again

Not me, I'm where I'm supposed to be

Greg being Greg and nobody to talk to

Must Be Dreaming

 I dream allot at night

As if to tell me something

I try to understand each and every thought

Waking up to not knowing where I am

I think myself to sleep each night

One worry compounded by other concerns

Most of which are out of my reach

I had it once and dropped it from my hands

Feeling guilty or feeling afraid

Mistakes at this point are very expensive

Especially when I'm bankrupt and emotionally broke

It's very hard to recoup life's currency

When I think too much or Dream too hard

I wonder where the fuel to this train comes from

That bitter feeling in my mind

Keeps reminding me I never really mattered

I believe my poison can no longer spill

I can no longer infect or interject

The toxic activities that spill on your feet

Were left there from so long ago

When I ask for forgiveness and understanding

Another selfish way to make myself feel better

I cared so much at one time

When you hurt I bled for you and cleaned up the sorrow

Now I live in a lonely place

Not alone but don't hear the words or winds from outside

I feel numb and can't feel the pains

Not mine and certainly not yours either

I've thought so long and hard

I don't want any second chances

I don't need another chance to re break your heart

Which in turn will destroy me and whatever is left

So When I drive during the day

My music plays and I sing along

My voice crackles and breaks for you

Every single sentence end with I'm so very sorry

Apologies for pains inflicted

After the fact and meaningless

I look for your face amongst the traffic

I hope you're ok , I'll be on my way

I saw myself in a windows reflection the other day

If only my internal angst were visible

My disgust and self mis-trust

I would lock myself inside forever 

I keep trying to punch and hurt myself

I keep missing because there's nothing left to destroy

The world is new can I adapt

There's a positive place in the corner I haven't tried yet

i

The Wait

 Weary and worn out 

I refresh with a new day

Play my music as I drive along

A visit  to the gym and start all over

So many things on my mind

Something new , something old

So much in my life is about to change

New beginnings Tomorrow waits

Yesterdays clouds still overhead

Reminders all around that fill my mind

Good thoughts, bad thoughts 

Thoughts that make no sense at all

I still wait for that final call

That will move the needle to the next position

I'm stuck in the mud and cannot move

Parked in neutral with somewhere to go 

My heart is racing although it's broken

My brain is clogged with yesterday and tomorrow

My body heals at a very slow pace

My life in a holding pattern waiting in a line

I trust and believe the best of them all

My visions lack clarity and stare at the fog

One day I will see the value of it all

Lifelong lessons and hard knocks

Move On

 Been doing some thinking lately

Not too much, just enough to give me a headache

Processing where I am and where I came from

Figuring out where I want to be

What do I want to be?

Am I free, single and ready to roll out

Be myself as I've been told

Being a better person should be my goal

I don't necessarily like where I come from

Being addicted to doing the wrong things

Temporary fulfillment for a lifetime of guilt

Nothing is ever worth the pain

As my thought process rolls along

I am appreciative of my support group and love them all

If I could only love my self enough

To catch myself before I fall

I realize that There's no turning back

The wife , the house and dog are all gone

A death of sorts that I killed myself

I have no excuses only regrets

But I will say I've gained an understanding

I think more before I speak, or act

Realizing the impact of what I say or do

Can turn out catastrophic as my personal past

I no longer seek out reparations for what I've done

Evidently the damage is done and I can't fix it

But I'll never know the final story

The book was closed before it was finished

I can no longer ask for forgiveness

It's never coming and for that I'm sad

But I can't live for the waiting and expectations

This is all out of my hands

The silence screams out answers

So loud and very clear

Yes I know I left a better place and life

But gave a life back to a better future

There are no more "One Day's" for me

The future does what the future will do

My contributions have been made

My debts have been collected and I've paid the man

There's something about time away from life

There really is another road travelled

When I become engrossed in my negativity

It takes me away from the place that makes me happy

I continually try to be a better man

A better brother friend and Ex to many

I can't cover the bases like I once did

It's no longer a requirement so I rest in Peace

My Question

 I have a few questions I need to ask

I won't receive any answers I expect that

The questions I have are very simple

The answers too complex to honestly answer

To be on the punching end is not my choice

I've been on the receiving end before

I preferred it better to where I am 

I owned that decision whether it was mine or not

I have no grievances in my life

I can look back on choices and accept their fate

The powerless feeling of wondering and waiting

For the end to come and go

I can hold on to a glimmer of hope

To bring you back to my inner circle

I don't want to dwell on my failures and pain

I just want a friend again

For months I've been fighting myself

Not allowing myself to move beyond my failures

I feel like I'm progressing to a better place

And accepting the pain as part of being me

My goals and my aspirations are self-serving

My Family, my health and my frame of mind

I can see a solemn tomorrow as a matter of truth

I can move beyond those who won't forgive me

The question I will ask you now

Is your life better with me gone

Is your world a better, more peaceful place

Your answers will tell me no lies

Talking To Myself

 I'm in an odd place emotionally right now

I'm angry and yet appreciative if that makes sense

Angry at the fact that people have turned their backs on me

Hurt at the fact that they just don't care

I've made the mistakes that can't be reversed

The hurting continues and it doesn't appear to slow down

I can't get a text or call returned anymore

I'm dead to the world I loved so dearly

My place here today is moving very quickly

My mind and thoughts take me so far away

I want some peace and tranquility in my life

Even though I won't ever be forgiven

At some point I must cut away

From being the peacemaker and fixing all of the broken parts

I can't ask for forgiveness when I won't forgive myself

I just can't expect to be fully understood

I walked away when I knew it was wrong

You walked away without a fight

Maybe this road travelled before

The traffic jam and the heartbreak it brings

I don't know you anymore

The person that held it all together

I was the rock and Pillar so you told me

Now I'm rubble at the side of the road

I'm a stranger in a familiar place 

I'm in danger of becoming a shadow of myself

Put my stock in an angry unknown

I'm angry too but won't be heard

I look for help because I know it's there

I'm proud and walk away from that helping hand

I run away from my own advice

I'm talking to people who have turned their backs

Just A Thought

 THIS WAS ALL WRITTEN IN ANGER AND DOES NOT REFLECT THE WAY I REALLY FEEL ABOUT MY LIFE, LOVED ONES CURRENT AND PAST. I WAS TEMPORARILY IN A BAD PLACE AND HAVE SINCE REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS RATHER THAN TAKE IT DOWN I WILL LEAVE THIS HERE AS A REMINDER OF WHERE I CAN GO OFF TRACK AND HOW I CAN REEL MYSELF BACK IN. TO ANYONE I MAY HAVE OFFENDED APOLOGIES ALL AROUND!

I remember thinking that life and people were for the most part a good thing. As I've aged and near retirement, I take a different look at myself and the life I will leave behind. The loves of my life aren't that important anymore. I'm too selfish to care and unable to feel much anymore. I've lost my ability to love and appreciate the things that were so important to me. I've lost wives, kids and grandchildren to my own doing, I will own that and be truthful to myself in stating. I am a flawed man living in a flawed world and I never did enjoy it much. I tried to make a difference where I could and for the life of me can't see what good I have done. This may appear to be a pessimistic view of things, for me this is all reality. No rainbows and puppy dogs for me just the reality of being an asshole and watching the shit flow freely, knowing my life could have been so much better but it never got a chance thanks to me. All of this is not a reflection of recent changes in my life. Things happen the way they are supposed to and I'm not powerful enough to change any of that. For the first time ever I've looked at my life for what it really is, a failure and waste of many peoples' time and efforts! I tried so hard to be happy and live a good healthy life but never seemed to get there. There was always something missing!

Remember To Forget

 The weather outside is dreary, overcast

It's been a good day so far

Hope the sun shines through

To brighten up the streets and skies

I'd love to take a drive somewhere

Take my cameras and shoot away

Something different with a different feeling

A feeling that I've never felt before

I would love to drive anywhere

No destination in mind

Take me away with my music in my ear

Sing along even though I can't dance anymore

The tunes in my head 

Take me to greater places

They take me to sad times too

They remind me that I have a past and maybe a future

I hide my feelings in my chest

I try so hard to solve my own shit

The truth of the matter is it can't be done

But I fool myself and carry on

I'm nearing a crossroads in my life

There's so much to be done if time allows

I have a plan to make amends

To myself for being my own worst enemy

If I pull away and run real far

Reimagine and reinvent myself

To a better person and a better place

Me and my thought alone in an empty space

My virtue and my purpose in life

Was lost and buried in a backyard spot

I played and roamed and threw a ball

Hitting rocks and breaking windows

That memory of the roadside load

I'd gather the pebbles and bring them home

I was Mickey Mantle and Willie Mays

Swinging the bat from either side

I gave away that life and home

My memories are etched in stone 

My Puppies and my muddy field

Concrete and steppingstone covered it up

Onward I travel I am looking back

Will my travels be worthy of my lost opportunities

To live the dream and die together

I must have thought there was something better

When the sun goes down and I'm out of gas

Will they figure it out or need my help

A complex mind in an impossible world

I've shared my grievance for all to see

It's Just Reality

Nearing midnight I'm wide awake

No sleep aid for me tonight

Just a weary mind with my body dragging behind

I can feel a thought-filled sleepless night

When the morning comes I'm thankful 

One day closer to where I want to be 

A day closer of where I'm needed

Not just another day

I look to my past which is now my future

My boys so close yet farther than I need

My feeling of desperation subsides 

To the realities of many unknown facts

My family had adopted me 

Taken me in and held me close

Someday soon I'll cut my loving ties

A trip to somewhere and nowhere at all

I held out my hand once, it was slapped down

I held out my hand a second time

I chopped the other hand to make it right

No hands ,no rings just wasted dreams

Feeling a dizzy spin in my head today

I went for a lonely drive today

The tight and twisty roads of my life

Where I had tempted death before

It brought out exhilarating emotions

My ear pieces with music blaring loud

With each turn something deadly warned

So I sold the bikes and tried to grow up

So much shared and how much I cared

To include you in my hobbies 

You gave your all before our fall

Tattoos that no longer exist 

I saw a picture on the mantle

Which made me proud and sad all in one

A journey that I should have shared with you

But instead it's dinner for one

A day away,a world away

It all feels the same to me

A child loses their innocence in life 

While a man tries to ruin his own

Angels Fly Away

 One of my best friends and allies

I met when I was very young

The queen to my brother

The goodness in us all

Life is about learning

I've learned so much from her

She was raised by an Angel

And became one herself

We share a past of travel

Moving from state to state

They both worked hard 

And are rewarded with each other every day

My wonderful Suzie

I hurt and disappointed her so much

I never thought I could disappoint so much

Now I've lost two of my best friends

The hurt and shock to her system

Processing very very slowly

I can't fix this broken relationship either 

Take another loss to my soul

She would check on me frequently

Asking if I needed a coffee or snack

I miss those days replaced with no response

But its where this relationship is at

I'm glad Terria has a friend

I've lost them both for what I've done

I have turned my focus in a different direction

The solitude of a two lane highway

Consequence

 I've tried so hard to hold back

To negativity and the bitterness

I've broken so many things in my life

I have no one here to blame

My wife and children left me

I didn't agree but I understand

I wanted to fix my broken parts

Where would I start I was never given that chance

In talking to people 

They all say the same thing

You've made your mistakes and owned them all

Move along and work on your future

My future is retirement

I had 7 grandchildren now 2

It breaks my heart that I've lost my kids

I would love a chance to hold their hands and squeeze them tightly

My anger is self-directed

Fixated on mending fences and lives

I now realize forgiveness is never coming

I must shrink my world even more

I limit my scope of awareness

My thoughts and worries handpicked for their valor

I can't re-ignite the blown-out flame

So I'll try to start my own forest fire

Goodnight, goodbye maybe see you soon?

I hope your new life is so much better

I've forced your hand to make these changes

I put myself in the world of the unknown

I Don't Know

 I don't really know why you hate me so

Don't know why you walked away

Still don't know where you've been

I just don't know

I can't say I'm sorry ever again

I won't ever question where I've been

I already realized it makes you mad

You're exactly like your mom

Too much time has come and gone

To give a damn about how I'm feeling

I never realized that humanity has an on/off button

You'll never turn it on

I can't replace your presence in my life

I can only remember when you said goodbye

Cold, angry and unforgiving

A sad and eye-opening day

I'm not angry, bitter or hurt anymore

I'm disappointed that you became that which you despised

Vengeful, hurtful and holding a grudge

I lack the perfection you so desperately needed

I'm flawed and you knew it

I was an asshole I told you so

I failed you as we knew I would

I should have done drugs or murdered someone you knew

I never sought out perfection

Nor mediocrity, it's beyond my scope

The path of least resistance leaves me alone tonight

I guess it's better to be alone now than when I was young

I know Tomorrow brings many surprises

It sends me into the unknown

I don't need answers right now

I will drive myself where I need to be

For every loss incurred in this life

Is a potential gain that I don't yet know

I have faith in many things in this life

This world and its' people are not at the front of the line

With respect to those I've disappointed

I've tried my best to make amends

It takes two to come to an understanding

But I can't make you feel or see where I'm at

To my kids and little ones'

My love never stops if I don't see you 

My thoughts are always with you

My mistakes have taken you away for now

Again I say goodbye

To hopefully say hello again

My life is much different now

I pray you'll be a part of it again soon

Pain in Knowledge

 It's quite a feeling to know yourself

I know so much that I wished I didn't

It hurts to carry the constant load

Yesterdays' garbage has yet to be disposed of

A conversation with a friend

An old poem that I had written

Brings me back to another time

I had thought I left behind

Yes I'm hard on myself

Beaten my self up over things I've done

Beating myself up for things I haven't done yet

I've got to wipe my slate clean

The knowledge to know what you're capable of doing

To understand how far I've fallen

The fears of failure have come to fruition

I have no friends, only my family

As I approach my final days as a working man

Many chuckle at the thought that I ever worked

I was blessed with a stress-free career path

Three short months until I call it quits

I hold onto my troubled past

My mistakes and misunderstandings

People I loved are no longer a part of my life

I have memories that haunt and accentuate my losses

Tomorrow doesn't bring hope but an opportunity

To run away and be myself

No responsibilities or worries about another persons' life

Don't much care about my own but will act As If

Changes

 Forward marching looking over the hill

I'm still not there but gaining ground

The future you dream about was very near

I look over the horizon to a new playing field

What I had thought to be my future

Is an afterthought of what once was

A dream only days away

The goalpost moved to another venue

Searching for the common ground

Looking for my place in the wake

Tumultuous waters and a storms surge

The eye of my hurricane can't be found

I don't often wonder where you are 

As much as how you are and do you smile

I talk to myself and write to myself

About my losses, my present and future plans

I have no plan in my retirement years

I had a plan that went up in tears

I have ideas and I have some plans

A lonely drive across this land

A picturesque spot that I've never seen

A landscape, a portrait of a pretty woman

A homeless man that I just gave $5

His story is so much worse than mine

It reminds me a trip to Seattle

I spoke for an hour to a homeless man 

He had his faculties and his wits

But he lost his family and his kids

I am that emotionally homeless man

My former family has a new plan

I'm very sad for my outcome

I'm very happy that she is free and done

I guess I won't ever know

My last words spoken a few days ago

My grief doesn't come from me losing it all

My deepest sadness is that I couldn't be perfect

Passed on by and left unattended

nobody calls I've been unfriended

I never understood taking sides

I guess I've never had my own friends

When people say they love you

It should be forever unconditionally

You don't have to live with me just act as if I exist

Funny, if I were a murderer, you will still be talking to me

Hurricane Greg

 I feel I'm reaching a crossroads in my mind

I feel I'm trying to accept the hand I was dealt

The health, personal and miscellaneous drama

Are a spoke in the wheel of life

I can't change much in my life

I can try harder to understand

Efforts to do what I can, when I can

A trip to the gym at lunchtime

I can't make people feel a certain way

I can't count on forgiveness that may never come

If I continue to beat myself up for things I've done

The things I do will be littered with unnecessary guilt

I've lost some loved ones

They have all disappeared

As if I was never an integral part of their lives

To live such a narrow vengeful existence, I guess they have their reasons

So I move forward 

Look towards what I have to enjoy

Look away from the things I've destroyed

Hurricane Greg has come and gone

Kind Gesture

 A loving gesture goes a long way

An offer most could not refuse

An offer most should not refuse

I defer to my pride and better judgement

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

Your heart is always in the right place

Take some time to give to yourself

Let someone else give to you a little bit

I don't feel that great

I have days that are better than the others

I struggle sometimes to get out of bed

Struggle more to get out of my own way

I have people looking after me

I have love in my corner

I have pity parties every now and then 

I saw a woman in a wheelchair with no legs

Life Isn't always fair I know

I won't complain I don't have that right

I'm taken care of whether I want it or not

From every angle and aspect of my life

Thank you all who truly care

My appreciation cannot be measured

Today has its' challenges I'm willing to battle

There are no guarantees that tomorrow can offer