The Picture!

Something always seems to trigger certain emotions in my mind, a song, a thoughtful gesture or a movie, in this case a picture of my wife Terria triggers a deep and sorrowful thought into my soul that makes me cry each and every time i see this picture.  Move back to May 2010 and i was in a different place with a totally different mindset and generally not my true self. I went to breakfast with my wife and knew i was doing the wrong thing to the wrong person and all for my word was too damn whatever it is, to call it out and make the necessary changes to get back where i belong in  my marriage with Terria.  I sat there with my wife and sister at the Galloping hen eating and talking and thinking ofmy life without my Terria! I take out my phone and take a picture of her sitting next to me and seeing the pains and anguish in her heart to know that we would soon be finished and done with. As i write I am looking at this picture and feel so bad everytime i see it, the look of loss and pain is so evident to me because I know what i was doing to her and it felt so bad in my heart to knowingly hurt the woman i a so in love with and always have been! I cannot describe the feelings of what i was doing or the why i was doing it, it just was not me and not what I am all about. I do not hurt the ones i love and I was doing it and feeling the pain and anguish right along with my wife. with much time and conversations and the therapeutic genius of Michael i feel a sense of newness in not only my marriage but in my life, the spirituality of doing things wrong and then correcting them all is amazing to me. I walked many tightropes in my life and have fallen prey to bad decisions and poor judgements far too long now, the inner side of me is working overtime to figure out why i do what i do and how i can focus on changing a lifetime of bad habits and poor judgement for the rest of my days. Everytime i look back on this time last year i really hate myself for the pains inflicted on so many, yet I was imploding upon myself and would eventually succumb to the bomb inside me and do so much damage if left unchecked. My life is an ongoing University of knowledge and learning about me and my dealings with myself is an everyday class project. i can only thank God and my Terria for standing by my side and never leaving me alone to destroy myself with my actions and bad decisions and poor judgements. today ,i still make mistakes but never to the magnitude of last year, just the hiccups and Greg at times getting too comfortable with his life and forgetting where I have been and the trail of disappointments left behind. so today is a good day, Thinking about tonight and the dinner plans we have yet to finalize, someplace healthy and tasty which can't always go hand in hand but we shall try. Terria says for me to delete the picture but i can't, it represents a  growth periods for me and a grounding vehicle of how i felt everyday i was betraying my wife. so i will never get ride of that picture and hold her and that picture near in my hands and heart forever. Love you honey