Truths Be Told

Been awhile since I've seen Michael and have finally realized that there are some issues that are still lingering about . Some of which are current and past events re-visited and really pissing me off. There seems to be things that come back to me and really upset my thought process, some of which aren't even my doing but nonetheless play with my mind and my emotional state, being a person who doesn't push thins under the rug I feel I need to deal with them. So here we go with the unleashing of some internal crap that at times drives me nuts but will be dealt with properly!

First of all coming to grips with selling the motorcycle and not riding the bike anymore, As I told Terria today the real reason was that I wasn't riding it as much as I needed to to justify keeping it and actually the lack of riding was a s a result of not feeling comfortable riding anymore and really a little afraid of crashing again. Noticed on each and every ride since I bought it that there was always the point where I thought I was going to crash or wondered how bad it would be if I crashed in a particular spot during the ride, no way to enjoy the ride, being afraid and always pondering the worst case scenario, never thought like that prior to November 22, 2009. Not much fun anymore to contemplate the inevitable accident, so I have let it go and move on to other endeavors ,enough about that and I move onto the next case in point.

I am on my second marriage, the mother of my first son Brandon on occasion comes back to visit my boy and makes it all seem dandy after she abandoned both of us 17 plus years ago for another man, that' in itself was ok, not the major issue, just left me to rebuild a broken little boy and his thoughts and emotions were shattered by the mother he loved so much and she disappointed him so much, not just that one time as a child but more as an adult when they moved in together as he was giving her a second chance to be his mom, she lasted a few months and abandoned him again, moving out of state and leaving her son, My son alone to pay an Apartment rent that he could barely afford, forced him to take a roommate and he lived there for a year struggling and drinking his sorrows away. So she decides to come visit him this past week and again I wonder what bullshit she promises him this time, what she has said or done to him to make him feel guilty for her fuck up? I wonder and fume at the thoughts and possibilities of the negativity that she is capable of bringing into my sons life with her very presence. For some reasons , her presence this week brought back the guilt and feeling of my affair a year and a half ago and it pains me to think about it, Morales asks me if I have forgiven myself, I say yes but evidently I have not forgiven myself enough to move onward in the direction that I should be by now, I need to figure this thing out because it's frustrating to go backwards with my mindset in regards to the bad decisions I made and the precious people that I had hurt!  So he took her back to the airport today and she was on her way back to Washington state to do whatever it is she does and leaves my boy alone until the next time she meddles at my boys mind and his life I will again cringe at her very presence, so  feel good about her going back home and being away from my boys everyday. That's done and done and I move onto the last issue that drives me a little batty at times, my other two boys!!!!

Ty and Braz have grown up so quickly, too quickly mind you and it has driven me a bit crazy at times. I feel so helpless to make an impact and guide them in the right direction, they are not the 5 and 6 year olds that I met 14 years ago and took them as my own as I still do to this day. The boys have taken to adulthood quicker than they were prepared and put themselves in precarious situations with their choices of not only mates, but the type of girls that they are are in love with. Both of the boys are in dysfunctional, very abusive relationships and seemingly aren't able to get away from them...why? I ask that question each and every day and come up with the same answer, can't get through to those who don't want to or aren't capable of listening and learning and choose to live and make their own mistakes over and over again. as a parent , very maddening to watch the kids you love fall on their faces and do what they think is right when they do not know what is right since they haven't lived long enough to observe or listen to anybody who knows more than they do since they know everything and nothing at all matters unless it's them who make the choices and decisions. Ty will be a father in February  and at this point in his life is incapable of dealing with anything other than his Narcissism and failing miserably at that as well, bringing a new life into this world with an angry woman will only bring about an angry child...not a good situation. BrazTerria they are living the carbon copy existence of their Father and his current wife in a world of dysfunctional and everlasting unhappiness, so sad to me but as parents we try to be supportive of their good and bad but seem to be dealing with the bad as we speak and it bothers us both very ,very much. Other than that, we are Golden and perfect right!!! So off to Michael I go!

World Series Of Beavis!

Watched the World Series choke jobs of all time, the Rangers had 2 chances to get one batter and become world series Champions but didn't have it in them . They will move on to a game 7 and that's a foregone conclusion, if the Cardinals do not blow them out tomorrow night it will then be the biggest choke job in reverse , no doubt or question about it. So whatever happens could give a shit at this point, I had the Rangers  but that's not going to happen as they folded lie a towel and really killed their best chance twice....not once, Twice!

Other than that debacle  did watch the New Beavis and Butthead for comedic relief and it was alright, not as funny as it should have been but better than the other crap they put on MTV. Tomorrow is Friday and the end of a long week, Terria's knee still hurting her and back to work she goes tomorrow to finish out the week. Sounds lie she tore her Meniscus and will need a scope sometime soon, It happens,I hurt mine swinging a golf club at the driving range and had mine done in January with no issues. So wishing my sweetie a better week and hopefully some news about her ailing knee!

No plans again for this weekend and that's ok, I am sure we will have a game plan on the fly and figure out something to do this weekend. Set up my leave schedule for the holidays and taking all of Christmas week off with only 3 days of leave required, so 9 days off for the price of 3 , sounds good to me! Should be a quiet day at work tomorrow , have nothing pending and not much on the horizon as far as work goes. As an afterthought ,I set up another appointment with Michael to touch bases with him and see how  am doing,feeling great about things  but have a few things like an ex wife coming to town and meddling in Brandon's life after abandoning him as a young boy of 8, and the kids going through  hell that are upsetting me a bit and watching my Terria go through it as well further upsets me, a tune up of sorts and nothing too pressing, I miss Michael's candor and true genius and hope to find a little solace in the truths I call my own and the life of choices that I have made that i am totally accountable for. Still had some really bad thoughts of my indiscretions last spring and some guilt involved that i must forgive myself real soon. But it will be a productive visit and one that has been a long time in waiting. So for now it's bedtime and rest for the morning. Good night

Today!!!!!!!!

A long weekend which took us thorough the Orange county and a great social D concert in Irvine, much driving and a very tiring weekend culminating with a trip to Will ave. and the childhood home of Bob Nevarez, we had a nice meal and dessert celebrating his birthday with his family, they got to meet the "Saint " as he calls Terria and loved her to death! A very nice visit for sure. Back to work on Monday and the usual Hijinx of people not caring about their jobs and driving me totally insane with the lack of work ethic. But who am i to decide who does what ,i just pick up the pieces and do what I'm supposed to do and part of what they're supposed to do, no worries because I can and Do, Thanks to my co-worker Sabrina C. for being so helpful and so supportive throughout the workday, my little sister as i call her we always help each other out and cover one an others ass when we need to. Thanks Midget!

Today is a good day so far , the overcast skies don't cast doom upon today, just the signs of winter coming and the harsh realities of an Oxnard winter of 60 degree days...ewwwww horrible i know! So here i am thinking about my Boys Braz and Ty, Braz in afghan land fighting a meaningless war and Ty in Missouri fighting his own personal wars in Trailer land! I wish the best to my boys and know that they are young and full of their own insecurities and lack of coping skills to see the bigger picture in life. Who on earth would 2 good looking young men ever tie themselves down at 19 and 20 years to be with what they think is their last stop in loveland??? i think not, the train that wrecks today is no better for wear tomorrow and these young boys have no idea what type of mess that they are setting themselves up for, regret and bitterness for they shoulda , woulda, coulda done things differently , but they don't listen to the people who have done it already, made the mistakes and have this wealth of knowledge to share with them , they fall on their own and that's that I suppose, sad but true, the me generation must find out the hard way instead of the right way! As for Brandon my oldest boy , he still looks for that final directio in life and will find whatever he is looking for because his failures and successes are his own and he has nobody to tie himself down but himself. so continue going to school, work a Little and wait the for the answer to come to him. Being a parent never ends and that's what we signed up for as adults, it's all good and it's what we expected,even if at times a little frustrating and painful, but we manage because we are the adults and know that there is always light at the end of the Proverbial tunnel!

What else is going on in my world? The world series is turning out to be a really good one, hating La Russa and watching him lay an egg last night being the supposed genius which he is not and never has been, throwing nobody under the bus but taking no responsibility for it himself essentially throws everybody but himself under that bus. Hoping that the Ranger win the next game and take the ring away from the Cards but really don't care too much in the outcome, have a friendly $10 wager at work for the Cards and would gladly pay it off if the Rangers would win it all. Must wait til Wednesday for that game 6 to make it all happen. The new workout regiment is kicking my ass a bit but feel really good and hope that this gets a little easier, having my friends at the gym who really like to talk to me while I'm working out makes it difficult at times and these guys aren't the type of guys you tell to Go away, all older , kind men who for some reason think I'm ok to talk to , I should consider it an Honor that these very nice and some of them very intelligent men find me interesting enough to talk to ?  

AS I was watching the game the conversations via text with Robert and Scott were priceless, Nevarez and i were calling pitches, changes , what would happen in the game and the whole nine yards, then Scott chimes in via text how the Stand up to Cancer commercials with Tony Gwynn and the like  come on and he has me howling at the fact that Tony Gwynn the only man in history to Gain weight while being treated for cancer and even suggested that the chemo was hidden in sticks of butter, I know it was mean but all in humor and never mean to be malicious at all, i laughed so hard i nearly shit myself and Robert and i were dying at the fact that Ranger's Manager Ron Washington dances and prances when he gets excited and we called it "Gettin Jiggy with it" It was a great night, Terria was out shopping for what seemed an eternity and i missed her by my side but she needs to get away and it was a quiet household from 8-10 pm for me last night, with the exception of the howling that my guys were putting me through , a crazed man laughing by himself...what a funny picture that must have been. any way back to work and up to the  front I go, have nothing pressing and nothing moving in my desk as I write this, hell even forgot 2 1/2 men were on last night  because i no longer watch that dud of a show because it sucks now!

Marco Simoncelli - Colin Edwards Crash in Sepang - Malaysia 2011 RIP ://

Another very sad crash and death in the world of racing, this one closer to my heart and a motorcycle death of freakish magnitude. Marco Simoncelli lost his life today doing what he loves doing, as I watched the replay of the crash I saw another man die in front of me for the second straight weekend in a row and shows how dangerous the sport of motorcycle racing truly is! The best racers, on the safest tracks in the world with the best equipment on the planet can still lose it all under the right circumstances,unfortunately today the circumstances were right and it cost Marco his life today, very very sad and I feel for Colin Edwards, the American rider who ran into him and had nowhere to go as this crash happened at 90 mph and no place to slow or avoid the inevitable crushing of the fallen rider, As I watched his helmet ripped off his head and rolled towards Colin Edwards who was down as he went down as a result, the irony to know and see the lifeless body lying on the track and there's nothing you can do .RIP Marco Simoncelli and much sadness to the riders who ran into him.

Parenting That Never Ends

Just got a text from Terria and says that Ty is at the recruiters office and looking to enlist in the military as apparently all has not gone so well in Missouri with his girlfriend. I ask how she is with this and how she feels about now possibly having 2 of our boys in the military at the same time? I assume that she feels like I do and what can you do, in today's economy that's the only option for a young kid these days. So we shall see what he will do when push comes to shove! I just hate the fact that our boy's have grown up so fast when growing up at a slower pace would have taught them better decisions making. But water under the bridge now and do the best with what you have. As parents there is a time to wash your hands of guilt and feelings of despair, we feel bad for those bad decisions that they make but there is nothing you can do when a kid constantly tells you that they know, i know this or that when in fact they will know through the school of hard knocks that they should have listened to us a little better than they chose to do. been there done that is always a better way to teach than to say, let's try this and see how it works, No , we've tried it, seen if it works or doesn't ,and if it didn't found a way to make it work ,which that luxury for the boys was never utilized by their choosing!

The joys of parenthood are great as are the toils and headaches of all the things we thing we should have done. Yeah there's guilt and remorse for our kids sake, we did make mistakes but there was never a time when we compromised safety and proper upbringing but little things like saying no when we should have yes, and Yes when No turned out to be the proper answer, being Imperfect we can only raise imperfect children it's the way it all works!

So i guess it's almost time for lunch, so much thought and reflection going into our days and nights, lives! We want the best for everybody and sometimes are helpless to do what they need to do for them, not our place, or within arms reach is not an option  but we always worry, and care and love in the only way a Parent knows how to " Unconditionally" and no days off !  So i head to lunch with a heavy head and thoughts abounding about, I see the day getting better as it progresses, hope that we can get to the gym and get the monster workout done and feel better before a little bit of the world series game tonight ,Game 2

Resourceful and Costly Day

Pretty good day today at work, was able to get a little done today, took a late lunch and had the workout of my life and spent 130 bucks at the damn Smart and Final, how did I do that?  Be whatever it was I had a great day for sure, the day flew by and took an extra long lunch to accomplish the aforementioned workout and shopping spree. I left work about 1230 on my way to the gym for what I had planned to be an epic workout, then after the workout had to stop by the Smart and Final and pick up Dog Food,Bread and some butter, nothing else!

So I went to the gym, on the way had it in my mind to do something I'd never done before. As  was driving I was compiling a workout in my head to be implemented when I arrived at the gym. Having taken a day off the previous day I was a little anxious to get back to the gym and had not taken a day off in about 4 plus weeks, so it was time for a free day and Monday was it. Get to my first machine and dial it down about 2 plates and start the routine for six sets of 16 on each machine. There are 18 machines and exercises I was doing today so 18 times 6 sets is 108 sets of exercises completed in under one hour 20 minutes. After i finished I knew I had come up with something really special to implement and add to the pool and the cycling to have a complete workout all throughout the week.Tomorrow will bring either the pool or cycling  and some stretching of some sort, so It was an awesome workout, on to the store for a quick trip for a few items right? ..Wrong!

I get to the local smart and final, head to the Dog food aisle throw the 40lb bag into the basket and  head to the bread and butter, loaded and seemingly ready to go, pick up some fruit, then Chocolates for the office staff, peanut butter,Crackers,Tuna,Cereal, milk, lunch meat ,meat, more fruit, another variety of Chocolate, more butter and other things that I don't recall. Head up to the checkout stand and load up the tramway and start mentally calculating the total, usually pretty good at guesstimating the total , I added a Rockstar for the drive back to work and the total was 130 dollars, for a 12 minute shopping spree on my was back to the workplace and even gave Terria shot at the total cost , she comes in at 125, just 5 dollars off, I was at 105 and way off. Di buy the stuff we needed and some things that I didn't but keeping the office stocked with Chocolate is always a good idea and a morale builder. So some Hershey miniatures and some mini snickers bars put some smiles on the faces of my troubled staff of miscreants and ghouls! Overall a different type of shopping spree, workout, and day altogether. Made some really good tacos for dinner, had less than I wanted and yet enough to be happy with the project. Look forward to tomorrow and another uneventful day at work, a trip to the golf course at lunch to hit balls and then gym after work. Get home in time for the first pitch of World Series game 1...Go Rangers!

2 1/2 Men Sucks

After 8 seasons of watching 2 1/2 men I think it has run it's course and it's time to find something new to do at the 9pm hour on Monday nights. Really ,really bad show with the new dude and not even funny in the least bit. So I look forward to new endeavor on the tube and now will officially be devoid of any TV on the networks that I can say I am a fan of. So it's onward and upward in the realms of quality Television via the networks or otherwise.

Really looking forward to this years World Series with the Rangers and Cards swapping turns at losing Baseballs. It should be a decent series and for the first time I will be rooting for an American League team since I thoroughly dislike, No hate, the Cardinals and their pompous manager Larussa for so many reasons! We shall see who can stop the hottest team in MLB the Cards of St.Louis. Come Wednesday I will be glued to the TV watching the first pitch ,hope it is well-played and not a lopsided affair.

A decent Monday at work, stayed up from most of the day and answered phones and helped walk ins today, a couple of co-workers out again today, no big shocker and the usual suspects as I Like to call them keeps the comedic ball rolling for sure in that office. I just show up and assume that most won't either be physically  or emotionally present and take the workplace as a joke and still fail to realize that we are so damn blessed to do what we do and make a good living doing so! So off off Kutcher and on to something new, oh look ,Mike and Molly!! lol!!!!