I Don't

 I don't want to be here today

I really don't want to be me anymore

My lost souls and broken life

Has taken it's toll on me today

Too much sorrow and so much pain

Celebrations that seem so hollow

I miss my girl so very much

All I want for her is to say hello

I don't know what tomorrow brings for me

I know this day has me in a state of cloudiness and tears

An old classic song in my ear this morning

The Carpenters"for all we know"

I've picked myself up off the ground so many times

Emotionally never rides

I've don't have a way to filter my feelings

So I empty them all at my feet

I'm tripping and skirting around the truths of my life

I see an empty barrel filling up with sadness and tears

I'm not quite sure if I'll make its through 

To see the finish line where I once knew I would be first

The one thing I do know is it hurts, hurts so bad

It hurts like I've lost my family , I have no friends

My thoughts aren't bright anymore

My demeanor a far cry from the brilliance I once championed

I don't know if we'll ever speak again

I just just know, I really don't

Dark

There are many red flags in my path

Many more from my past

I rarely share the things that make me feel bad

But it has always been at someones expense

I have walked away from many bad scenes

I've walked towards to get a better look

My heart and soul try to do what's right

I sometimes fail in my journey

I can break an arm or break a leg

Lie to your face and break your heart

Shoot you in the face with a loaded gun

OR shoot myself instead

The dirty side of the street had plans

I walked on the curb trying to decide

Which side of the tracks were better

I had crossed the street too many times

I once told someone I knew really well

If I had Cancer or a fatal disease

I would roam the streets and destroy with glee

Bad elements in this world

I still feel that way which makes me mad

That mentality is a losing venture

My anger for this world and people have never really gone away

So my arms are loaded and I flex my dark side

As angry as I have been, I've rarely raised a hand

I hit a man for charging at me and somehow broke my hand

A vicious side I've hidden so long buried very shallow

The flame's still hot but nobody has yet to burn

The details in my rage in life

Will go with me to my grave

 I won't rage or hate until I'm pushed

When I won't be able to save myself  or anyone else from a detonating bomb

12-2-1964

 Yesterday was your 60th birthday

I wished you a happy birthday and you acknowledged

I'm sure you celebrated very nicely

I'm so sorry I'm not a part of your celebrations anymore

We always celebrated with family or friends

Wonderful parties or dinners out

This is my second year not able to celebrate with you

I'm ashamed for the reasons why

I won't look back too much

The memories albeit good ,still hurt

The thought of not being there with you

Still seems unreal to me

I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday

May all of your wishes come true

I hope your life is better now

Somehow I think it already is!

God Bless you Terria Lynn

You were so good to me

I hate to keep looking back on the way it was 

But should focus on how it's going to be.

I just Want To Say Hello

 After deep thought and many sleepless nights

I find myself fighting the same battles from a year ago

Thoughts of failing my family

Feelings that haven't diminished yet

The feelings are cyclical and come at odd times

Triggers seem to be less frequent this time

But seem to hit me harder when they do come

I cried myself to sleep last night thinking a good thought

I think about my boys, my grand children

Memories of helping to raise them , watch them grow

Proud of their progress and missing my holidays with them

Missing my wife who did nothing wrong

My feelings are all over the floor

Spread out like wrapping paper on Christmas morning

I try to pick them up and throw them away

I'm not ready to throw my memories away just yet

When I go to bed each night I always ask

How are you doing I wish I was there

When I wake up in the morning , I look at my messages

Hoping one day you'll care

I can get sad at times but I do reel it in

My focus wanders to so many places at once

My issues are deeper than I am able to fill

I want to feel good, be good to my kids and family

I re-arrange a line from a song

" I still think of you and all the SHIT I put you through"

I know I was wrong"

This song, this thought resonates with me 

When the wind blows past me it's gone forever

Reminiscent of my former life

I hold on tight to the goodness I was given every day

I dropped the ball of human kindness and being a better MAN

Your presence is still very apparent

Your essence engrained in my sinuses

I feel your hands even as they pushed me away

I have lived a very good life

When I see you again I often wonder

Will it be at the store, Pharmacy, Bank or a red light

I know for sure I'll smile a big smile

I hope you will do the same

I have a Million things to say to you

Most have been written and shared in this space

The opportunity or desire to speak may never come

Just know you were so incredible and I was just a LIE!

Lost Faith

 I have wondered if the pains I feel

Are my rewards for giving out pain throughout my life

Retribution for my bad decisions

I earn it all with each painful step

I can't complain about anything that is happening

It brings people joy to know I hurt too

I gave it like a bad man

I take it like a man, sadly but that's the way it goes

I think about my silent life

So quiet and unassuming

I don't hear anything or say very much

Just trying to make it to the next day

There's not much left for me to do

There's really nothing worthwhile I can do

Each day is a struggle to find my purpose

Each day I wonder if it will be my last

looking out I can't see much left

Living the days as if on borrowed time

I will go where the wind takes me

Don't really care where I go

There are so many things that have left my side

Some really good and some not so important

I've lost a family and a happy home

The biggest and best parts of me, gone for good

Unfortunately I lost my faith

Rain Go Away

 For whatever reason the overcast weather is depressing

It instantly puts me in a darker mood than normal

Hard to motivate and get started

I wait for the sunshine that never came

As a southern Californian we expect great weather

350 days out of the year we have it

It's expensive to live here and never going down

We pay the weather tax which nobody complains about

The body hurts more than normal

The mood a little bit negative

The weather really can change your frame of mind

It's a couple days out of the year, I'll be fine

Tomorrows forecast is 85% chance of rain

I'll need to sneak out and get to the gym

Keep a good thought and stay indoors

We'll hope for sunshine eventually

Day Off

It's Sunday night and not much to think about

Times like this when thoughts are abundant

I talk myself down from digging in deep

I need a restful night not and not another headache

Today was a good day  

I was a day to accomplish a few things and sleep in a bit

There was some bad TV on, I didn't care

I told myself to be happy and not look back

So I'm listening to myself

Walking away from an internal conflict

Shying away from a good mental hopscotch

I will ungracefully walk away

It's a great night to read or write

Most times I would think

Today is different for me now

I'm taking a day off from my life

It's Ugly Inside Today

 A very dreary and wet Saturday today

Very odd for Southern California 

But it is wet and ugly out

But it's the mood I'm holding onto today

I usually enjoy the rains

But I know too much ruins homes and lives

I was headed for a picture taking trip northward today

But I'm stuck here at the beach people watching

Surfers are out waves are good

Looks like a lot of fun

Sitting in my car now  no music just thoughts 

Where my head is going and why

I really need to start looking forward

Looking back brings me sadness and shame

Things could be different if not better

But I won't ever know what could have been 

On one hand I'm apologetic and remorseful

On my other I try not to give 2 shits

There is pain still floating in the air

In my mind I want to talk about and share this pain

I can't change the way people feel 

There nothing I do that will make them care

I realize most aren't as forgiving as me

Most aren't nearly as strong

It takes a lot to forgive someone 

You swallow pride, ego of yourself

It was easy for me to forgive my past

It's impossible to forgive myself 

Why should I care about those who don't care about me

Why put forth efforts that are wasted energy 

Because I'm bigger than the pettiness they hold onto

I've had to let it go to continue to move on in this life

Afraid To Live

 So afraid to break something

A person, an object anything and everything

I don't want to get too close

Very afraid I'll knock something over

My emotions run alongside of my mind and body

So afraid to fail again

Too afraid to fall on my face

My daily routine has become very routine

The fears I feel are like never before

I don't want to meet people, I don't like them

Assuming they are all horrible people like Me

I stay away from most old and anything new

My knowledge of firsthand pain

Makes me gun shy and very timid

This side of me is so foreign to me

I walk away from opportunities to hurt anymore

My plans to get out and take a trip

To the beach and mountains to take some pictures

A trip to see Brandon and my grandsons 

I miss my boys even if I wasn't a good father

My thoughts take me to a better time

When I was loved, admired and taken care of

When I lost all of that I now realized

I was never deserving and I'm better off without it all

In being honest with myself I could never go back

So afraid to break it all again

I'm weak, I'm broken and don't care about shit

I just want to go away!

The Fight

I have been all over the place lately

Mentally and physically checked out from reality

It's so easy for me to throw a pity party

It's so easy to rebound and say WTF

What happens to the strong man

Once called the rock and pillar of security

I was helping others fight their battles

Here at home I'm losing my own

It is very true my body hurts 

My mind is wounded beyond recognition

In my mind I have ended my life

In my reality I'm not made like that

Nobody truly knows the pains I feel

To get up it takes a momentous effort

It hurts like hell to get out of bed

But It's surprisingly better than it was

I'm never complained about my pains and ills

Always taught myself to fix shit and forget it

Sometimes being the badass doesn't get it done

But being a Pussy is never going to be an option here

This past 12 months has taught me many things

I've learned I'm not the man I thought I was

People cannot be trusted and can be full of shit!

I lost my wife but never my amazing family

The days move forward along with my fight

To fix what's broken both Mind and body

There are no guarantees but the fight I'm in

A challenge is in front of me and I'm walking towards it

So I make my Appointments and take my meds

Go do my workouts and get stronger each day

My nerves aren't firing, and my muscles don't fully function

But I'm doing things I couldn't do 12 months ago

As I said goodbye to Terria and my home

My beautiful Puppy Drew and my kids

So much loss almost broke me forever

I thought of my heroic dad and his 3 1/2 years as a POW

There are days when I stand still

Frozen by the hurt and what I called life

It was wonderful and so full of goodness

I don't ask for anything but the ability to continue this fight

I must say goodbye to my broken past

Looking forward to an unknown future

I can't look to my God we have both failed each other

I don't need any help, just somebody who says I can't or won't

 

Fighting The Pain

Not physically feeling very good today

A Trip to the gym should set me up right

I really hate to feel so bad

I know it's temporary and partly mental

I carry my world on my broken shoulders

Wavering balance and gentle strides

It doesn't seem to be getting better

I'm emotionally defeated but keep on fighting

A lunchtime visit for a quick workout

Set my mind free from feeling the pains

Something positive created

Negativity must be left behind

I sometimes wonder what's the point

I don't always feel positive results

Sometimes I just want to leave

Quit the shit and rot and die

I have allowed my pains to take me over

Thinking about a normal day

I have gone 20 plus years of carrying this pain

Now I carry it alone and it's heavier than before

Reality has set in now

I won't get better just become a burden

I fight and struggle and am beginning to tire!

I just don't know how much longer I'll care to fight

Angry

 Why am I so angry

Very disgruntled with so many things

People are dogshit

And their opinions smell bad too

I've been judged, prosecuted and put away

I've been given a shitty heart

I inherited a broken body

Thank God my brain works and my sarcasm is high

Why am I angry?

I try to decide am I angry with myself or my surroundings

My past and present don't make me so happy

But it's the place where I've fallen into

I reside in the place of purgatory

Neither here nor there

Just trying to regulate the emotions

Not too high or low.....good luck

Am I angry in the things I've created

Do the things that happen without my help

Am I responsible for my anger

Should I blame it on someone else?...NO

Every day is a battle cry

Testing my patience and resolve

I'm angry at the world and don't know why

I can't fix the things I didn't break

I trust in myself to temper this fury

I can't fix it all not even myself

The broken pieces of a man's life

Will never be repaired with an angry mind

My Belief

 I feel we are all capable of great things

Love and kindness are free and available

What makes us not believe and not care

A series of unanswered questions is a starting point

How can Christians promote the devil

Seems like the antithesis of right and wrong

When do we bow down to another man

With no much hatred in his eyes

I used to be a spiritual man

Read the bible many times

I was disappointed in what I read 

So much anger and violence

Over the years my views have changed

Once and staunch Christian

Then a staunch Atheist

9-11 and world hunger made me think too much

Where is our God to lend a hand

To teach and instruct how to live a better life

People are still hungry, wars still rage

There has been no human progress since the beginning of time

My views have hardened as the world goes on

I have always tried to see the good in everything

It's so hard to teach our kids

Their phones and Social Media are doing it for us

So I asked myself of this crumbling world

Who can we turn to for a guiding hand

Our Pastors or Politicians would they know

They are too busy making a Buck

I tried to believe in the greater source 

I devoted my thoughts if not my actions

I tried to be the ear, the shoulder the helping hand

Even when I was taking something away

My faith has diminished and made me angry

I tried to live the life of the Golden Rule

It was never equitable from the start

I could never find a livable balance

My compromised faith and diminished life

I have failed to appreciate the gifts I've received

Doesn't seem fair to have so much

While the homeless search for a place to spend the night

So I must ask our God

Where have you been?

So many have everything, others have nothing but misery

I hope someday you can even the score

Today my beliefs are of disbelief

I'm sad and angry with what we have become

I try to believe there is a God

He's either too busy or not powerful enough for the job

 

Fear, Fuck-ups and Mortality

 What do I fear the most?

I'm really not afraid of anything tangent

I used to think about death and dying

Now I honestly look forward to it

Not going out by choice or by gunshot

Just don't care much about life or missing anything

I just went through the toughest year of my life

Who wants to deal with shit like that 

I did fear not living life to it's best standards

I never wanted to miss out on anything

 Never wanted to  say coulda, woulda, shoulda

So I did it and lived with many regrets

These regrets in the end were manageable

Some worth the risk, others sheer stupidity

Riding a motorcycle over 100 mph in a sweeping turn was worth the risk

Being a bad person and infidelity are my low points

The more I talk of my past

I learn more about what I didn't do right

Plenty of thoughtless mistakes and hurt feelings

At least I was funny so that was a thing

Thinking about this life

Nowhere near where I wanted to be

Physically, emotionally and spiritually devoid of meaning or purpose

My thoughts of kids, Grandkids are just thoughts

This world is a cruel place

Everyone desensitized knowing right from wrong

Social media is King and Free thought is a Ribeye Steak

Dead and rare theses days

I hope I don't quit on my thoughts

I surely don't want to quit on anyone who gives a shit 

It's hard to be perfect so I bow out immediately

Being a Fuck up is very unrewarding but so damn easy

As I count the people who have abandoned me 

I think of those whom I have walked away

No second chances just abrupt justice

Get the fuck out you're no good to me

Come back when you're perfect

Where the efforts to do so is a waste of time

The rewards to be perfect in an imperfect world

Defeat the purpose for being alive

I've lost so much

I've left so much on the table

Everything I've had or done

Has never seemed to be good enough to hold onto

I fumbled away too many things 

Lost things that at one time meant something I suppose

I don't feel any poorer or richer just different

Adjusting to misgivings real or perceived

Each morning brings a new surprise and opportunity

To fulfill a promise if it matters at all

Do I ask my God to save me 

Do I tell him he's doing a poor job?

I feel betrayed for many reasons

I've betrayed myself too many times

My God has an odd plan for me

I should have died twice in my lifetime

But instead I live a fraction of the man I was

Broken physically, spiritually trying to believe

I've been let down and betrayed too many times

For me to truly believe anymore

Failed marriages, friendships and parenting speak volumes

Too loud for me to understand clearly

The answers will hopefully come sooner than later

I'm not expecting much in return

Lonely Ride

 I don't have dreams anymore

I just can't dream anymore

I sleep and don't weep anymore

My efforts to block off my sad past

I have many conversations alone

Sing a song to bring me joy

Fill up the tank and take a drive

Where I'm going I never know

I drive by my old street

Thinking if anyone is home

I have yet to make that turn down Simon Way

So I drive on by and say I did

I talk to an old friend

She tells me that clarity is coming soon

She should know she was my first ex wife

Now she's a sounding board of reason

So much of what she tells me is true

I just don't want to believe it

I have built theses walls that border rational thinking

So close but yet so high to reach

I lost my best friend and my wonderful wife

Our conversations that never ended

We spent hours on the phone at our start

Now I don't exist and won't be heard

This feeling of lost hope

To hear a voice that says hello

How aere you feeling , how have you been

The few words that I wish I'd hear

There are no grand delusions

Thoughts to make it right

The point of no return has come and gone

Still I wait by my phone to hear that voice

My common ground has sunken

Into the depths of a burning fear

I hate to think that I will live and die alone

When nobody knows or really cares

When Will Time Heal All

When words fall on deaf ears

Nobody will listen or hear what I want to say

I talk to walls and to people not there

At least I feel I'm communicating

Bitterness, grief and broken dreams

I think about this everyday

Once again I can only change today

Days gone by are just that, Gone

I wish there were a majestic way to handle this

Feelings overcome rationale at times

Closing our mind to simple solutions.

A simple conversation could do wonders I feel

So much outright anger

Too much time dwelling on the obvious

I want to be part of the healing process

Even if I am the cause of pain

I've had many things taken away from me

I've paid the price, must it be forever

I was good enough to give love and show love

Showed the kids right from wrong

What have I done for you lately, right!

I can't argue with that at all

You can penalize the wrong people 

By over-penalizing the faulty one

I don't want to be forgotten

I was loved and adored for all of the right reasons

My mistakes in life were not a result of not loving enough

They were the fact that I didn't love myself enough, still don't

When I wipe the blood and the tears from my body

I see a catastrophic accident standing in front of me

People can walk away from this accident

People can stop , roll up the sleeves and try to help me clean it up

One At A Time

 Funny thing about life

It comes with no guarantees, there are no returns

We are dealt issues as they choose to arrive

We have no say or recourse

Sometimes we are overwhelmed by numerous problems

We should pick and choose which one to fight

We generally try to deal with them all

And we will lose that fight

So here I stand in a conundrum

Life is rearing its' uglier side

Throwing me a load near my capacity

So I analyze and try to prioritize

My mind, heart and body

Strewn across the road to somewhere

I feel answers to every issue

Not sure where I should start and how to proceed

My heart hurts from lost love

It's also broken because internally it's deficient

My body aches from too many crashes

Everything hurts you can see it in my stride

My son has his own pressures

I'm his dad I'm supposed to have answers

I worry about him and my grandsons

I hope I can help him through it somehow

So I'm trying to get my head straight from my divorce

Each day was to get better but it's not

I've fallen back and lost some traction

Matters of the heart will heal when they choose

My body hurts but I do my part

My healing from my accident has been too slow

Every day I rehab at the gym

Everyday I try to think positively

Now my boy has troubles of his own

I'm trying to be supportive from miles away

So as his father I will be concerned

Doing whatever I can to help my boy

I'm not overwhelmed but my mind is full

Different feelings and so much yet to be determined

I try to deal with one issue at a time

It's so hard when the heart, mind and body are trying to decide 

My Big Sister

 Today is a special day

A very special person in my life

She was born on this day 69 years ago

She is my wonderful older sister

April has a been a true gift to the world

Blessed with a selfless soul

She is everything to everybody

Her siblings, nieces, nephews, husband and friends

She raised me when I was a child

She was a child at the time herself

Both parents worked long hours

April sacrificed her childhood and helped raise us right

AS I grew older I realized

She was my mother figure along with our own

When I got in trouble at school not following rules

I feared what she would say and hated to disappoint

I remember the day she told me Tim had proposed to her

I didn't like it, I didn't want to share her

I got over it pretty quickly

Tim is a helluva guy

The years have passed and things never change

She helped raise all of our kids 

She took care of our aging mother

She gave and gave and never asked for anything

I've been blessed with incredible people in my life

Nurturers, surrounded by love and affection

Big sister April is at the head of the class

She gave and continues to do so

Wishing you the best of birthdays today

I would be lost without your care and concern

You are the best big sister

An incredible human being!

Love you, 

 Greg

I Still Think Of You

 So many thoughts invade my days

I think about good things and some misfortune

By days end I'm mentally exhausted

So I send myself to bed

My nights are so different than my days

I slow down the process

But the process never ends

I don''t dream anymore, I think myself to sleep

I think about hitting a Baseball

Listening to my favorite music

Having conversations with people who have come and gone

Constant companionship without speaking out loud

I recall the 100's of concerts I've attended

Baseball games all across the country

I think about singing and hitting a Baseball very hard

I wish I wish, I wanted to be either when I grew up

Now that I'm older and never truly grew up

I follow my Baseball Dodgers and I sing along to my favorite tunes

It's as close as I get to being there for real

It is close enough for me

All of my passions were shared with my children and wives

They enjoyed watching me enjoy myself

Selfless human being I was blessed to have in my life

Gone today but never forgotten, forever admired

A song came on Youtube tonight

"I still think of you and all the shit you put me through"

"You made pain your lover, infidelity not discreet"(group MS. MR.)

I wonder if she thinks of me?

Coping Not Hoping

As I reflect on my lost past

My thoughts and memories stored away 

I lost my wife a year ago

I let my favorite chair go today

Not so much losing my wife

She lost me and very quickly

Wasted no time on the proceedings

I'm glad she did she saved her soul

I don't think about wanting it all back

I can't comprehend being in this position

The emptiness I feel for being a hurtful husband 

At times makes me angry and toxic 

I take a drive to nowhere

To put my mind in a better place

The waves crash hard on the rocky shore

The surfers paradise is just that

I can't run or hide from my emotions

The blame game serves me no purpose

The end result took care of itself

Now I must take care of ME

As they took away my chair today

Something better to replace its' space

The gifts and the goodness that brought her to me

These incredible memories stay inside 

She can't forgive, I won't forget

Everything that was whole in my life

Not that it matters to her anymore

But I'm thankful that she was my wife

I Cried! (My Chair)

 Roughly 15 years ago I had a horrible motorcycle accident

Crashed on a route I knew very well

Conditions were perfect but my tires Weren't

I went out and rode hard on worn tires

As a result, I spent 11 days in the hospital 

I was internally bleeding, and they couldn't operate

4 Blood transfusions and some platelets

Helped my body heal itself

The healing time at home was slow

I couldn't get in a good position and had trouble sleeping

My wife at the time went out and bought me a burgundy lazy boy

This was great and allowed me to get in a good position

I had since had a serious bicycle accident requiring surgery

I recovered on this chair as well and it did its' job again

Many, many miles of use 

Many good and bad memories as well

They took my chair away today

Making room for my new adjustable bed

As I watched them load it up

I felt a sadness inside that I can't describe

It reminded me of all the injuries I healed from

The great conversations my wife and I have had

Hours of sports and TV

The occasional meal or snack which stained my chair

The chair brings back memories of my wife

She was so good to me through good and bad

Thoughtful and loving and giving of herself

She bought me another one years later which I sit in now

The truck drove away with my old chair in tow

I cried and am still crying it hurts to let go

The chair symbolizes healing and love

I let them both go and it kills me inside

My chair represented so much of my past

My wonderful wife and my memories of her

It hurts to make mistakes in life and lose 

I've lost my wife and they took my chair

This Hurts

 Feeling a bit confused today

A little overwhelmed

I'm trying to comprehend

Why people act like they do

Everywhere I look, I see unhappiness

Anger and disillusionment with the day to day

Stress wears us all to the breaking point

We all need a therapist, but I'll pass

There is hurt all around

A lack of empathy and nobody cares

The ME generation has taken hold

And won't allow the goodness to sink on in

I have felt, or dealt the things I speak of

I've hurt and destroyed and apparently didn't care

No one's coming or calling on the Phone

My hopes were damaged so I'll sleep alone

Nobody cares I know that now

I had thought you were better than that

The simple things you've made so hard

The walls surround an open mind

I feel the cool breeze of bitterness

I'm very sad that it still rides with you

I shall leave you alone as you have to me

I have so much to say on deaf ears

I'm trying hard to see what you see

I have already felt what you're feeling

There will come a time when I've been replaced

Then maybe the healing can begin

I continually dwell on this lack of caring

You were hurt and I'm dying a very slow painful death

The pain I. constantly feel in my body

I take each painful step with the thought of not falling

The pains and stresses of my body and life

My worries for my boys, their happiness

I must hold onto the goodness I still have left

This world is all new to me and I'll wonder how

My Game

 I drove by the local school today

There were kids on the Baseball field playing

I glanced in their direction with admiration

The game I loved to play

I taught my sons how to play

Taught the fundamentals and how to catch and throw

Hitting was the hardest to teach

Bucket of balls and a trip to the park

My oldest boy had a bat in his hands at 2 1/2 years

My younger boys picked it up and played locally

They enjoyed it and we continued to work at it

Eventually they founds Girls and Football

Raising boys in my sports world

May have been unfair

My passion for the game was intense

They didn't share the same enthusiasm

As a grandparent I'm over the teaching phase

So I watch my beloved Dodgers and enjoy every pitch

I don't go to games anymore

But I watch them and remember when!

Then And Now

I met a friend many years ago

We talked, we wrote we laughed a lot

We grew together before we grew apart

The future looked back at the past

We formed a union one Summer day

The end of the month as I recall

Our families , a few friends

35 of them total

We inherited the gifts of kids from each other

We helped them grow and raised them right

We struggled with outside negativity

But together we fought on through it all

Court visits and legal advise

We were fighting for things that should have been given

Some parents are far from that

Leave the kids to be taught right from wrong

The children grew and went on their own

Empty nesters we would become

We watched our kids learn about life

And bring lives into this world to bring us joy

So much to do and so much to see

The little one's gave us passion and desire

To live a new life filled with youth

We embraced it and treated them well

Life was amazing we were so close

We travelled and visited when we could

My Army boys and my boy

We had to move around to watch the kids grow

When the world falls apart

It comes in many pieces

I made a bad choice, I crashed my Bicycle

I was damaged inside and out

My physical pains still hurt me so

My emotional losses cannot be replaced

I'm not healed from my Bicycle crash

I will never heal from emotional scars given and received

My mobility has been severely compromised 

My mind and thoughts float away each day

I want to reach out and fix it all

But the water is down the stream

The darkest nights when I drive alone

My mind and heart fight for neutrality

I had it all before my biggest fall

I'd trade my broken legs for a wounded heart

Stuck in this room with a mindful of sorrow

The days ahead bring opportunities to prosper

To Fly away and take the plunge

Unencumbered not by my own design

Yes I've had it all and lost most of what mattered

I hold onto the threads of goodness

My 3 little boys will bring their youthful lives

And show me I have more than I've lost

Goodbye to tears and sorrow

Wake up to the warmth of a new beginning

Spread what goodness I have left in me

Stop waiting for the phone to ring

 

Moving Forward

 I received a stunning yet not unexpected message last night

A message from my 12 year old grand daughter

She has been using a journal to present her thoughts

I received a couple of her entries

I can't say how much of it was her or her parents

12-year-old little girls don't generally tell grandpa to FUCK OFF

Go to Hell was heard as well, I was stunned and amazed

Someone loves her grandma and really hates me

Too much was shared with this little girl

Told things that really should have never been shared

Grandma and Grandpa are no longer together

Leave it at that and be sad together

As I read her words, I felt her sadness

She lost her Papa and had nothing to do with it

I don't agree with the separation 

But I'm not the one to make those decisions

I can agree and disagree all I want to

My decisions created this unfortunate situation

I sift through the broken hearts and broken relationships

Knowing I can't fix this although I've tried

My little Girl who was my first Grand child

Deep in my heart she makes me hurt

My deep loss and disappointment in her eyes

Will follow me wherever I go

My saving grace that gives me hope

My two little ones from my other boy

I will bridge the distance between us 3 

I will give them all this Papa can give

Take It On

Another day goes by

Another set of tears fall to the wayside

I turned my music off on the way to the gym

I couldn't hear another one of those songs

I've grown from a year ago

I have realized there's no turning back

Forward to another place is where I am

Alone with my thoughts sometimes dark

The clouds don't always follow me

The sun shines bright more than I realize

So much of what I knew has been removed

And here I still stand with many options

I could be in a better place

Or a homeless man who has given up

I opt for the stay and fight

My daily regiment says everything for me

My spiritual side has broken through

My mental acuity Has plenty in the tank

I can see the tunnel and the light

I feel pretty good tonight

When I open the blinds in the morning

Will I see the light intended for me

Can I fight through another memorable tune

Will the pictures I see make me happy not sad

Tomorrow on the ride to the gym

I play the songs that made me cry

I listen and I sing along

Reminded those were happy times not sad

I have reached a fork in the road I've chosen

Staying the course and not veering away

I've got a limited stretch on this side

I'm not wasting my energy on yesterday

For all of my petty grievances and beliefs

I won't expect people to be who they can't be

Just accept my choices that I was a part of

And let the rest be who they want to be

 

A Life Better Lived

 I felt a tug in my chest tonight

Not a heart attack but a failure of some sort

A bitter sting that life can bring

Funny what you feel in the dark

I was looking at my photographs

Six years of memories

So many great snapshots

A few that made me cry

A picture can speak thousands of words

Some of mine were one word "SAD"

The joys at the time they were taken

Reflection to the realities they created

I feel that sadness in my heart tonight

I wiped away the tears and then wiped some more

I can hear the words and feel that touch

It's ok, it's ok to cry

My words float aimlessly as I talk to myself

My prayers from my thoughts as I feel you close

I have failed on many levels long before I failed you

These failures reflect my full potential

I can only hope that this feeling will pass

Not knowing your status and frame of mind

My biggest wish is your life is fulfilled

And that your life is better without me

This Is Me

 I have tried so hard to stay afloat

Stay up from the pitfalls I've created

Looking forward ,stop looking back

Yesterday will never come back

I find it hard to talk about

Betrayals and forgiveness never recognized

I can listen and hear and hear the words

They continue to bite real hard

A conversation I had tonight

I realize that I was absent and inconsiderate

I try to make it up but never reach the mark

Where sorry is not accepted as a viable answer

My shortcomings are openly exposed

Nothing more to hide from those who need to know

This tiny world which is now my home

I have so much to repair in a short time

Forgive me for my arrogance 

Thinking that I was never wrong

Double ignorance proves my point

I wandered aimlessly my entire life

Living in this bubble of reality

I can't escape its' harmful results

I make it up in ways that don't matter

It's the only thing I have anymore

My truth is escaping my lies

My life is meaningless unless I make a difference

I can give you everything I Have

But I still come up so short

I can now see the things so obvious

My evil ways and more evil thought

The way I lived this laughable Hoax

Fraudulent to those who chose to engage

A new day has come and nothing really changes

I seek out redemption that may never come

I try to move away from my vices of destruction

I hope a little and pray all night

Bad Anniversary Nov -1, 2023

Tomorrow will be a sad reminder

Will be 1 year from the end of something great

My world , my life took a serious tumble

A fall from which I've yet to recover

The things that I remember

The things that I forgot

The tears that have fallen

All the wasted years

My apologies and remorse have run me over

The day keeps coming back

I remember free falling

Without my safety net

Now I'm left to fend for myself

No love or warmth to hold my hands

No help to get around

I force myself to be self sufficient

This memory that haunts me 

The reminders all around

No words from the girl who was my love

Just a picture of Drew Dog

I ruined a perfect day for us

The accomplishments of my boy

I'm so proud of all that he has done

I'm so fucking disappointed for who I am

How does one recover

I don't want love again

It hurts too much to care so much

And lose it all over again

I have choices to make from her

To what, where and how

I'd love to stand for something good again

Instead of having things taken away

 

OCT 31 , 2024

 Today is a day I really dread

Halloween is not my jam

I remember not liking it as a kid

I dressed up only once

What I do enjoy is handing out candy

Watching the kids in their jubilant state

So young and happy to be alive

That energy I would love to have

The creatures and the costumes

The littles dressed and ready

I wait for the pictures

Of the boys and their bountiful grab

I wonder why Halloween meant nothing to me

Why I enjoy the joys of others

I guess my addiction to reality

Doesn't allow a creative fun side

The candy bowl is filled to the brim

Backups close behind

I hope the kids come out tonight

I'd hate the eat the leftovers

To break away from reality

Maybe I should give it a try

I relive my childhood through my boys

The three word phrase that fills the night

Mind Break

 I'm taking a drive tonight

I had no destination in mind just drive

I ended up in downtown Santa Barbara 

To clear the mind and free myself

It feels good to drive again

Been over 2 years since I had driven

Injuries from my bicycle accident made it unsafe

So I drive as much as I can 

My mind and thoughts have been escaping me

I have too many things simultaneously running

Slowing down my broken mechanism

To the snails pace in which I walk 

Driving in Santa Barbara I reminisced 

The music venues and concert bars

My twenties were spent walking those streets 

Those were good times I remember them well

As I pull away from the big game

I realize I don't need to care

Time with myself for myself 

Had made me line up a thought or two

All of this thinking made me thirsty

I blew off chicken piccada to get away 

I ended up in Carpenteria

Where my best friend have our monthly meet

Again I heard that trigger song 

Affectionately called the last dance song 

I blew off sorrow and sang along

Because I'm unable to dance anymore 

So many thoughts of yesterday

40 years and moving forward

I needed this drive for so many reasons

I need a minute to wipe away some tears

I'm not sad ,angry or bitter anymore

Who really should care if nobody cares back

I've learned no lessons ,but of people

Who have shocked and disappointed me

My personal therapy session is over

This really disinfected the spoils

I can drive the 30 minutes home content

I'm making strides in meeting tomorrow 

Can't Escape it

 I heard another familiar song today 

Driving along it hit me again

A trigger, a dagger in my throat

Speechless, thoughts filled with negativity 

I've tried very hard to mend my fences

The holes yet patched and can see it through

I get real anxious when I think of things

That show my life with you

Too many times I blame myself

For failing to maintain my life

The comforts of the nicer things

That somehow meant nothing to me

That song I hear too often now

Reminds me where i was

I was dancing with my former wife

For the first and the last time

I won't turn it off or turn it down

A great memory and a great song

I embrace the thoughts,love and the dance

I still waiting for that call

Some things are like a decadent dessert

The looks the smell and tastes 

Too tempting to refrain and walk away

I eat it and hate myself 

Brandon's Chocolate Cake

 Things that occupy my mind

Things worthwhile of my time

The sweetest things I can find

Come out my hot oven

When I feel quirky I write

When I feel sad I write some more

When I feel good about thing

I'll bake a chocolate cake

Experiment and give it all

Extra this and more of that

There is no set recipe

It changes in my head

The oven is warming and getting hot

My mixture is doctored and ready to go

Set up the timer and close the door

I can smell it now ,chocolate in the air

The cakes are baking and 30 minutes to go

The timer ticks down don't let it over cook

Preparing the toppings and fillings right now

More chocolate, cream, butter and vanilla mixing it up

If you like dark chocolate frosting

Chocolate ganache filled layered decadence

Almost ready to be devoured

Sweet tooth and love of Chocolate is a requirement

It's cooled and trimmed and ready to cover

Enveloped in chocolate frosting

Each layer filled with amazing ganache

Eat it today, go to the gym tomorrow

No Purpose

 I often ask myself

Why am I here

What is my purpose

What am I supposed to be doing

Doesn't feel like I've done much

There is no real purpose

I've had it all it seems

Evidently it wasn't ever enough

I think about the daily grind

I can write about how I feel

Nothing much excites me anymore

Everybody hates everything

Why do I feel so disinterested?

Why do feel like I've lost

When does the sun shine bright on my psyche

Why do I search so hard for answers

I've lost too much in my life

I've given away more than that

At one time I felt sorry for being me

Now I can accept it I'm really not that bad?

The new freedoms my choices have allowed me

Can take me places I shouldn't go

There's so much negativity that awaits me

I'm sure I'll walk right on in

I wish I could look back and be a proud man

I've disappointed too many to feel that way

I see myself how others judge me

The space I occupy is wasted on someone more worthy

Our Boy

 My heart is shattered tonight

My little boy is hurting

I can't be there to help him right now

He misses his little boys

In a foreign room alone with his thoughts

The devil is home to plot her next vengeful act

Why are people so hurtful

Why is she so useless to those that matter most

My boy needs me tonight

He cries alone with his thought

I pray for him and talk to him

My sons' pain is my own, I share it with his mom too

We are helpless tonight

Tomorrow brings a fight that won't be pretty

I might be swinging the hardest, yelling the loudest

Nobody messes with my boys

So Mom and Dad and family alike

Pray for our boys tonight

Let there be an end result

That allows 2 not meant for each other a freedom pass

Lawyer up son I said to him

get ready for the fight of all fights

I got you covered on all sides

Go fight for your boys and make it right

Mom is enroute to patch up the bumpy road

I wish I could be there for my boy

I'll wait for a call and progress report

God put my mind at ease

I Ask

 There's a cold breeze blowing through my heart today

Nobody listens ,nobody hears me

I didn't ask for much

I wasn't even acknowledged

I guess its' ok it seems to be the normal reaction

Whatever I touch turns to powdered dirt

The silence and avoidance is making me tired

I can't change the dressing on the wounds 

I can't blame anyone for the way they handle me

I can't change that horrible perception

I can honestly say

I won't wear the burden any longer

There's a point in time when it hits real hard

Realizing that the chase is over

There's no way I'll ever be heard

There's no way to be understood

I tried to go about the proper way

Asking for permission for the simple things

That memory I could hold in my hand

It would bring me such joy is that such a crime

The point has been made

Ground rules have been set

I will stay off your lawn

I should have never played on in the first place

I won't chase the memory of yesterday

My mind seeks a better way

To overcome and rise above 

The pettiness that I cannot control

Retrospect

 I feel really old today

not physically just mentally stuck on retrospect mode

Looking backwards at what used to be

relive it somehow to bring it back to life

Thoughts of my kids when they were young

School days and Christmas plays

Baseball and football practice

Ridiculously funny dinner conversations not meant for humor

Ex wives in deep conversation with me

One eye looking at them ,the other at the Game on TV

If only I could have looked them in the eyes

Turning the TV off

Trips to our favorite restaurants

Brandon's Chocolate chip pancake and potatoes

So many places we would go

Some are gone others bring memories won't allow me to go

I have really thought about being a young father

A very bad father at the time

I eventually learned a few things

I passed them on to my newer kids

Now my kids have had kids

7 grandchildren I call the "Littles"

Strewn all over the country

Some I'm not allowed to see

I've been married twice

I have failed twice

I've been good at fucking things up

So dinner for one at the counter please

I can run it back as many times as I want

Not sure I was ever happy or content

It was never an issue of the glass half full/half empty

My glass and it's desires were always too big

I know so many wish they could change their pasts

Make amends and do it over again

Not me, I'm where I'm supposed to be

Greg being Greg and nobody to talk to

Must Be Dreaming

 I dream allot at night

As if to tell me something

I try to understand each and every thought

Waking up to not knowing where I am

I think myself to sleep each night

One worry compounded by other concerns

Most of which are out of my reach

I had it once and dropped it from my hands

Feeling guilty or feeling afraid

Mistakes at this point are very expensive

Especially when I'm bankrupt and emotionally broke

It's very hard to recoup life's currency

When I think too much or Dream too hard

I wonder where the fuel to this train comes from

That bitter feeling in my mind

Keeps reminding me I never really mattered

I believe my poison can no longer spill

I can no longer infect or interject

The toxic activities that spill on your feet

Were left there from so long ago

When I ask for forgiveness and understanding

Another selfish way to make myself feel better

I cared so much at one time

When you hurt I bled for you and cleaned up the sorrow

Now I live in a lonely place

Not alone but don't hear the words or winds from outside

I feel numb and can't feel the pains

Not mine and certainly not yours either

I've thought so long and hard

I don't want any second chances

I don't need another chance to re break your heart

Which in turn will destroy me and whatever is left

So When I drive during the day

My music plays and I sing along

My voice crackles and breaks for you

Every single sentence end with I'm so very sorry

Apologies for pains inflicted

After the fact and meaningless

I look for your face amongst the traffic

I hope you're ok , I'll be on my way

I saw myself in a windows reflection the other day

If only my internal angst were visible

My disgust and self mis-trust

I would lock myself inside forever 

I keep trying to punch and hurt myself

I keep missing because there's nothing left to destroy

The world is new can I adapt

There's a positive place in the corner I haven't tried yet

i

The Wait

 Weary and worn out 

I refresh with a new day

Play my music as I drive along

A visit  to the gym and start all over

So many things on my mind

Something new , something old

So much in my life is about to change

New beginnings Tomorrow waits

Yesterdays clouds still overhead

Reminders all around that fill my mind

Good thoughts, bad thoughts 

Thoughts that make no sense at all

I still wait for that final call

That will move the needle to the next position

I'm stuck in the mud and cannot move

Parked in neutral with somewhere to go 

My heart is racing although it's broken

My brain is clogged with yesterday and tomorrow

My body heals at a very slow pace

My life in a holding pattern waiting in a line

I trust and believe the best of them all

My visions lack clarity and stare at the fog

One day I will see the value of it all

Lifelong lessons and hard knocks

Move On

 Been doing some thinking lately

Not too much, just enough to give me a headache

Processing where I am and where I came from

Figuring out where I want to be

What do I want to be?

Am I free, single and ready to roll out

Be myself as I've been told

Being a better person should be my goal

I don't necessarily like where I come from

Being addicted to doing the wrong things

Temporary fulfillment for a lifetime of guilt

Nothing is ever worth the pain

As my thought process rolls along

I am appreciative of my support group and love them all

If I could only love my self enough

To catch myself before I fall

I realize that There's no turning back

The wife , the house and dog are all gone

A death of sorts that I killed myself

I have no excuses only regrets

But I will say I've gained an understanding

I think more before I speak, or act

Realizing the impact of what I say or do

Can turn out catastrophic as my personal past

I no longer seek out reparations for what I've done

Evidently the damage is done and I can't fix it

But I'll never know the final story

The book was closed before it was finished

I can no longer ask for forgiveness

It's never coming and for that I'm sad

But I can't live for the waiting and expectations

This is all out of my hands

The silence screams out answers

So loud and very clear

Yes I know I left a better place and life

But gave a life back to a better future

There are no more "One Day's" for me

The future does what the future will do

My contributions have been made

My debts have been collected and I've paid the man

There's something about time away from life

There really is another road travelled

When I become engrossed in my negativity

It takes me away from the place that makes me happy

I continually try to be a better man

A better brother friend and Ex to many

I can't cover the bases like I once did

It's no longer a requirement so I rest in Peace

My Question

 I have a few questions I need to ask

I won't receive any answers I expect that

The questions I have are very simple

The answers too complex to honestly answer

To be on the punching end is not my choice

I've been on the receiving end before

I preferred it better to where I am 

I owned that decision whether it was mine or not

I have no grievances in my life

I can look back on choices and accept their fate

The powerless feeling of wondering and waiting

For the end to come and go

I can hold on to a glimmer of hope

To bring you back to my inner circle

I don't want to dwell on my failures and pain

I just want a friend again

For months I've been fighting myself

Not allowing myself to move beyond my failures

I feel like I'm progressing to a better place

And accepting the pain as part of being me

My goals and my aspirations are self-serving

My Family, my health and my frame of mind

I can see a solemn tomorrow as a matter of truth

I can move beyond those who won't forgive me

The question I will ask you now

Is your life better with me gone

Is your world a better, more peaceful place

Your answers will tell me no lies

Talking To Myself

 I'm in an odd place emotionally right now

I'm angry and yet appreciative if that makes sense

Angry at the fact that people have turned their backs on me

Hurt at the fact that they just don't care

I've made the mistakes that can't be reversed

The hurting continues and it doesn't appear to slow down

I can't get a text or call returned anymore

I'm dead to the world I loved so dearly

My place here today is moving very quickly

My mind and thoughts take me so far away

I want some peace and tranquility in my life

Even though I won't ever be forgiven

At some point I must cut away

From being the peacemaker and fixing all of the broken parts

I can't ask for forgiveness when I won't forgive myself

I just can't expect to be fully understood

I walked away when I knew it was wrong

You walked away without a fight

Maybe this road travelled before

The traffic jam and the heartbreak it brings

I don't know you anymore

The person that held it all together

I was the rock and Pillar so you told me

Now I'm rubble at the side of the road

I'm a stranger in a familiar place 

I'm in danger of becoming a shadow of myself

Put my stock in an angry unknown

I'm angry too but won't be heard

I look for help because I know it's there

I'm proud and walk away from that helping hand

I run away from my own advice

I'm talking to people who have turned their backs

Just A Thought

 THIS WAS ALL WRITTEN IN ANGER AND DOES NOT REFLECT THE WAY I REALLY FEEL ABOUT MY LIFE, LOVED ONES CURRENT AND PAST. I WAS TEMPORARILY IN A BAD PLACE AND HAVE SINCE REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS RATHER THAN TAKE IT DOWN I WILL LEAVE THIS HERE AS A REMINDER OF WHERE I CAN GO OFF TRACK AND HOW I CAN REEL MYSELF BACK IN. TO ANYONE I MAY HAVE OFFENDED APOLOGIES ALL AROUND!

I remember thinking that life and people were for the most part a good thing. As I've aged and near retirement, I take a different look at myself and the life I will leave behind. The loves of my life aren't that important anymore. I'm too selfish to care and unable to feel much anymore. I've lost my ability to love and appreciate the things that were so important to me. I've lost wives, kids and grandchildren to my own doing, I will own that and be truthful to myself in stating. I am a flawed man living in a flawed world and I never did enjoy it much. I tried to make a difference where I could and for the life of me can't see what good I have done. This may appear to be a pessimistic view of things, for me this is all reality. No rainbows and puppy dogs for me just the reality of being an asshole and watching the shit flow freely, knowing my life could have been so much better but it never got a chance thanks to me. All of this is not a reflection of recent changes in my life. Things happen the way they are supposed to and I'm not powerful enough to change any of that. For the first time ever I've looked at my life for what it really is, a failure and waste of many peoples' time and efforts! I tried so hard to be happy and live a good healthy life but never seemed to get there. There was always something missing!

Remember To Forget

 The weather outside is dreary, overcast

It's been a good day so far

Hope the sun shines through

To brighten up the streets and skies

I'd love to take a drive somewhere

Take my cameras and shoot away

Something different with a different feeling

A feeling that I've never felt before

I would love to drive anywhere

No destination in mind

Take me away with my music in my ear

Sing along even though I can't dance anymore

The tunes in my head 

Take me to greater places

They take me to sad times too

They remind me that I have a past and maybe a future

I hide my feelings in my chest

I try so hard to solve my own shit

The truth of the matter is it can't be done

But I fool myself and carry on

I'm nearing a crossroads in my life

There's so much to be done if time allows

I have a plan to make amends

To myself for being my own worst enemy

If I pull away and run real far

Reimagine and reinvent myself

To a better person and a better place

Me and my thought alone in an empty space

My virtue and my purpose in life

Was lost and buried in a backyard spot

I played and roamed and threw a ball

Hitting rocks and breaking windows

That memory of the roadside load

I'd gather the pebbles and bring them home

I was Mickey Mantle and Willie Mays

Swinging the bat from either side

I gave away that life and home

My memories are etched in stone 

My Puppies and my muddy field

Concrete and steppingstone covered it up

Onward I travel I am looking back

Will my travels be worthy of my lost opportunities

To live the dream and die together

I must have thought there was something better

When the sun goes down and I'm out of gas

Will they figure it out or need my help

A complex mind in an impossible world

I've shared my grievance for all to see

It's Just Reality

Nearing midnight I'm wide awake

No sleep aid for me tonight

Just a weary mind with my body dragging behind

I can feel a thought-filled sleepless night

When the morning comes I'm thankful 

One day closer to where I want to be 

A day closer of where I'm needed

Not just another day

I look to my past which is now my future

My boys so close yet farther than I need

My feeling of desperation subsides 

To the realities of many unknown facts

My family had adopted me 

Taken me in and held me close

Someday soon I'll cut my loving ties

A trip to somewhere and nowhere at all

I held out my hand once, it was slapped down

I held out my hand a second time

I chopped the other hand to make it right

No hands ,no rings just wasted dreams

Feeling a dizzy spin in my head today

I went for a lonely drive today

The tight and twisty roads of my life

Where I had tempted death before

It brought out exhilarating emotions

My ear pieces with music blaring loud

With each turn something deadly warned

So I sold the bikes and tried to grow up

So much shared and how much I cared

To include you in my hobbies 

You gave your all before our fall

Tattoos that no longer exist 

I saw a picture on the mantle

Which made me proud and sad all in one

A journey that I should have shared with you

But instead it's dinner for one

A day away,a world away

It all feels the same to me

A child loses their innocence in life 

While a man tries to ruin his own

Angels Fly Away

 One of my best friends and allies

I met when I was very young

The queen to my brother

The goodness in us all

Life is about learning

I've learned so much from her

She was raised by an Angel

And became one herself

We share a past of travel

Moving from state to state

They both worked hard 

And are rewarded with each other every day

My wonderful Suzie

I hurt and disappointed her so much

I never thought I could disappoint so much

Now I've lost two of my best friends

The hurt and shock to her system

Processing very very slowly

I can't fix this broken relationship either 

Take another loss to my soul

She would check on me frequently

Asking if I needed a coffee or snack

I miss those days replaced with no response

But its where this relationship is at

I'm glad Terria has a friend

I've lost them both for what I've done

I have turned my focus in a different direction

The solitude of a two lane highway

Consequence

 I've tried so hard to hold back

To negativity and the bitterness

I've broken so many things in my life

I have no one here to blame

My wife and children left me

I didn't agree but I understand

I wanted to fix my broken parts

Where would I start I was never given that chance

In talking to people 

They all say the same thing

You've made your mistakes and owned them all

Move along and work on your future

My future is retirement

I had 7 grandchildren now 2

It breaks my heart that I've lost my kids

I would love a chance to hold their hands and squeeze them tightly

My anger is self-directed

Fixated on mending fences and lives

I now realize forgiveness is never coming

I must shrink my world even more

I limit my scope of awareness

My thoughts and worries handpicked for their valor

I can't re-ignite the blown-out flame

So I'll try to start my own forest fire

Goodnight, goodbye maybe see you soon?

I hope your new life is so much better

I've forced your hand to make these changes

I put myself in the world of the unknown

I Don't Know

 I don't really know why you hate me so

Don't know why you walked away

Still don't know where you've been

I just don't know

I can't say I'm sorry ever again

I won't ever question where I've been

I already realized it makes you mad

You're exactly like your mom

Too much time has come and gone

To give a damn about how I'm feeling

I never realized that humanity has an on/off button

You'll never turn it on

I can't replace your presence in my life

I can only remember when you said goodbye

Cold, angry and unforgiving

A sad and eye-opening day

I'm not angry, bitter or hurt anymore

I'm disappointed that you became that which you despised

Vengeful, hurtful and holding a grudge

I lack the perfection you so desperately needed

I'm flawed and you knew it

I was an asshole I told you so

I failed you as we knew I would

I should have done drugs or murdered someone you knew

I never sought out perfection

Nor mediocrity, it's beyond my scope

The path of least resistance leaves me alone tonight

I guess it's better to be alone now than when I was young

I know Tomorrow brings many surprises

It sends me into the unknown

I don't need answers right now

I will drive myself where I need to be

For every loss incurred in this life

Is a potential gain that I don't yet know

I have faith in many things in this life

This world and its' people are not at the front of the line

With respect to those I've disappointed

I've tried my best to make amends

It takes two to come to an understanding

But I can't make you feel or see where I'm at

To my kids and little ones'

My love never stops if I don't see you 

My thoughts are always with you

My mistakes have taken you away for now

Again I say goodbye

To hopefully say hello again

My life is much different now

I pray you'll be a part of it again soon

Pain in Knowledge

 It's quite a feeling to know yourself

I know so much that I wished I didn't

It hurts to carry the constant load

Yesterdays' garbage has yet to be disposed of

A conversation with a friend

An old poem that I had written

Brings me back to another time

I had thought I left behind

Yes I'm hard on myself

Beaten my self up over things I've done

Beating myself up for things I haven't done yet

I've got to wipe my slate clean

The knowledge to know what you're capable of doing

To understand how far I've fallen

The fears of failure have come to fruition

I have no friends, only my family

As I approach my final days as a working man

Many chuckle at the thought that I ever worked

I was blessed with a stress-free career path

Three short months until I call it quits

I hold onto my troubled past

My mistakes and misunderstandings

People I loved are no longer a part of my life

I have memories that haunt and accentuate my losses

Tomorrow doesn't bring hope but an opportunity

To run away and be myself

No responsibilities or worries about another persons' life

Don't much care about my own but will act As If

Changes

 Forward marching looking over the hill

I'm still not there but gaining ground

The future you dream about was very near

I look over the horizon to a new playing field

What I had thought to be my future

Is an afterthought of what once was

A dream only days away

The goalpost moved to another venue

Searching for the common ground

Looking for my place in the wake

Tumultuous waters and a storms surge

The eye of my hurricane can't be found

I don't often wonder where you are 

As much as how you are and do you smile

I talk to myself and write to myself

About my losses, my present and future plans

I have no plan in my retirement years

I had a plan that went up in tears

I have ideas and I have some plans

A lonely drive across this land

A picturesque spot that I've never seen

A landscape, a portrait of a pretty woman

A homeless man that I just gave $5

His story is so much worse than mine

It reminds me a trip to Seattle

I spoke for an hour to a homeless man 

He had his faculties and his wits

But he lost his family and his kids

I am that emotionally homeless man

My former family has a new plan

I'm very sad for my outcome

I'm very happy that she is free and done

I guess I won't ever know

My last words spoken a few days ago

My grief doesn't come from me losing it all

My deepest sadness is that I couldn't be perfect

Passed on by and left unattended

nobody calls I've been unfriended

I never understood taking sides

I guess I've never had my own friends

When people say they love you

It should be forever unconditionally

You don't have to live with me just act as if I exist

Funny, if I were a murderer, you will still be talking to me

Hurricane Greg

 I feel I'm reaching a crossroads in my mind

I feel I'm trying to accept the hand I was dealt

The health, personal and miscellaneous drama

Are a spoke in the wheel of life

I can't change much in my life

I can try harder to understand

Efforts to do what I can, when I can

A trip to the gym at lunchtime

I can't make people feel a certain way

I can't count on forgiveness that may never come

If I continue to beat myself up for things I've done

The things I do will be littered with unnecessary guilt

I've lost some loved ones

They have all disappeared

As if I was never an integral part of their lives

To live such a narrow vengeful existence, I guess they have their reasons

So I move forward 

Look towards what I have to enjoy

Look away from the things I've destroyed

Hurricane Greg has come and gone

Kind Gesture

 A loving gesture goes a long way

An offer most could not refuse

An offer most should not refuse

I defer to my pride and better judgement

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

Your heart is always in the right place

Take some time to give to yourself

Let someone else give to you a little bit

I don't feel that great

I have days that are better than the others

I struggle sometimes to get out of bed

Struggle more to get out of my own way

I have people looking after me

I have love in my corner

I have pity parties every now and then 

I saw a woman in a wheelchair with no legs

Life Isn't always fair I know

I won't complain I don't have that right

I'm taken care of whether I want it or not

From every angle and aspect of my life

Thank you all who truly care

My appreciation cannot be measured

Today has its' challenges I'm willing to battle

There are no guarantees that tomorrow can offer

My Trigger

 I've really have to stop listening to music

There's a trigger behind every stanza it appears

Driving home from a lunchtime workout

I hear Jessie's Girl on the radio

My immediate reaction was to change the song

My gut reaction was to listen to it start to finish

So I finished the old classic song

Had to wipe my face from tears more than once

The pains are a song or a favorite place away

Surfacing constantly and I 'm always hurting

Maybe I should accept the facts

This is my new normal without her in my life

I realize my mistakes and broken vows

I honestly believe things could have been mended

I also believe I opened the door

For her to be worry free forevermore

Shame on me, shame on you

Pride and ego overshadowed your forgiving ability

I wanted so much another chance

Instead I hold memories and another hard song

I Fear

 I fear many things in this life

It's not a heart attack for a man with a bad heart

Nor is it falling down and not getting up

I fear I'm going to think myself to death

Too many bad thoughts and memories

Plague me,  keeping me up at night

Stressing things I can't change

Just picking up the pieces on the ground

I am a few months away from retirement

I ask myself what am I going to do

I'm dead to my step sons and grandchildren

But I have my son and my 2 grandsons

I'm afraid I won't see them enough

Will they ever know me 

I fear they won't but I'm making an effort

I can't wait to see them again

I'm so afraid I'll focus in the negativity of all that's lost

When I should treasure what I still have

I always had different plans for my retirement years

I fear growing old and miserable

Big Brother

 My big brother stopped by the house the other day

Doing his typical big brother line of questioning

We talk Baseball, Dodger Baseball of course

After our Baseball talk Life took over

He then asked me why I wasn't socially active

Why I'm not out with friends, male or female

I didn't know how to answer this really

So I thought about it a bit

He proceeded to tell me that I always had friends

People would gravitate to me he would say

I said yeah all females with issues that wanted me to fix for them

He laughed and said yeah I remember that

He said I should consider seeing people going out

He stressed that I'm such a social easy to talk to person

I told him , I can't do that right now for many reasons

Just finalizing my divorce and feeling the sting of it all

I then was very honest with him

I said I cannot be responsible for someone else's heart and their feelings

Too much responsibility 

 I'm incapable of all the above

I told my big brother that it's so different now

Women my age carry the same baggage that I do 

Women my age want a devoted person by their side

I can't do any of that

I didn't protect the best things I ever had

How can I possibly have the energy or desire to start over

I've had my fun over the years, definition of fun????

Some of us are better put in storage where they can't break anything

Maybe I am wasting the last years of my life

I would rather hide away

Then to inflict pain, deceit and infidelity to anybody else

Alone again naturally!

So Big brother , I have one friend who stands by me

I've had many so-called friends choose sides and I lost

My hair stylist won't even cut my hair anymore

I guess I've paid the price with interest

I thanked my brother for asking me how I was doing

Where I'm at and my head space on things

My brother and my sisters are amazing

If I murdered somebody I'd have more friends and visitors than I do now

Nothing Is Typical Anymore

Typical Sunday morning for me today

Wake up after nine,  rush to the coffee machine

Pour it while it's hot

Oh, don't forget the morning pills

I actually had a plan today and stuck to it

Go to the gym before 12

Get back to watch the Baseball game at 1pm

Shower and go take some pictures at the beaches and Harbors close by

Feeling pretty good today amped about busting out the Camera

Which one to take out was a chore

Sunny 70 degree so Cal days are amazing

The pictures were great and ready to edit

Throughout my travels today I play my musical playlists

There are so many triggers for me in my music

One song after another brings back great memories

Then I realize that's all past history

I can't relive or tell the story

Who do I tell it to

Everyone has gone away

Further away than I'd like

Can I ever enjoy the simple pleasures

Will I always be reminded of yesterday forever

Does time really take care of it all

I'm still a fuck up why would it

What started out as a seemingly productive carefree day

Became a heavy-hearted affair with internal wailing

I wonder if Terria feels this shitty still?

Maybe one day I'll know

I'm really tired of feeling defeated

My body and soul have let me down so much

I'm fighting to salvage what's left of my life

Trying to make a difference wherever I can

I Miss You

 I just can't get her out of my head

I don't want too either

Let me dwell on the love I lost

Such a meaningless way to end your life

I'm not dead yet

But I just as well should be

Losing my will to see beyond my mistakes

Forever to dwell until the new day

I can't look back too far it hurts too much

I can't go to my favorite places

She was sitting there next to me

A bad dream of a great memory

I still see that face, those gestures

I can hear the laughs but also the cries

She took care of me when I crashed my bike

She took care of me when I ruined her life

There's nothing I could ever say

To make her pains subside

I wonder if she thinks of me

Or even cares if I'm alive?

I'm beyond sorry for disappointing you

My kids and the life I threw away

I want that chance before I die

To sit with you and look you in the eye

I miss everything about our journey

Our plans to see it through

I'm retiring and was going to wait for you

Now I don't know what I'll do

It's so hard to travel that road alone

We were friends, fell in love and married one day

The world collapsed and anger and bitterness ensued

I would love to start a fresh, productive a new memory soon

Incomplete

 I know I'm my biggest critic

Harshest and honest critic

Looking back on my life's work

Of course I see the faults

I look at how I've treated people

How I could have been better

From Parenting to Marital attempts

What will my grandchildren remember the most?

I've made 2 attempts at marriage

Each one failed for their own reasons

I was a terrible husband on both accounts

I didn't see it all back then

Being a father at a relatively young age

I wasn't prepared for the task at hand

I've learned that yesterday's apathy

Are the reasons for today's therapy sessions

I thought I knew how to love

Instead I tried to teach

Lessons of right from wrong

When all that was needed was a big hug

I don't have many friends

The best ones are sparse at best

I don't go out of my way to keep in touch

But we know where each other are

It seems I'm good at breaking hearts and promises

The Golden Rule should be applied right here

I have forgotten my place in this world

But have done thing I'll never forget

I have looked at my life with honest eyes

So much failure and compromise

Spent so much of my life objectifying

It cost me everything I've loved

I never got to say goodbye to my kids

I never said goodbye to my wife

I only said hello to a new life

That I still don't understand

So I was a terrible Husband and Father

Not much of a friend 

MY grandkids may see it differently

How could I be so bad at so many things

Shut Up And Listen

 Growing up I would always listen

To every conversation absorbing like a sponge

I was enamored with words and gestures

People talking with their hands

I watched and I learned how people communicated

Telling their story as if it really mattered

Sometimes the words were in Spanish

But I would follow the quirky gestures

In all this time I too have been observed

By my family friends and children

I wonder if they learned anything

From my self-serving banter

I wonder if I've left anything tangible

That they can take with them as a learning lesson

I have instructed ,directed and made my opinions heard

But was there anything constructive that was said

I feel I have nothing to pass along

A lesson that was learned

A quality that was admired

Did they leave the room when I appeared

I've always had that ability to speak my mind

Always very proud of what was said

In looking back I shake my head

I really had nothing to say

Maybe I should have listened more 

you learn so much when you do

It's like talking during the movie

Nobody is there to listen to you

A Cry That Kills

 I recall one time in grade school

School had ended and kids were running home

I was walking home with a friend

I saw a classmate of mine trip and fall very hard

She sat there on the sidewalk wailing at the top of her lungs

Blood on her knees and on her flowery dress

I remember that day, that cry, the plea for help

I stood there and watched her pain and it hurt me

To this day when a child cries I cry inside too

My empathetic heart has had capabilities

To care and to make their pain go away

Why didn't I respond 15 years ago

My God I heard that cry and scream again

My wife, my wonderful wife flailing on our bed

I broke her heart and I tried to comfort her

Not knowing what to say or how to help

I stood silently and the wailing continued

I froze up and couldn't tell her it was ok

I still think about that night

But yet I did it to her again

I tried to figure out why she hasn't spoken to me 

Over 10 months and a silent reception

My first wife broke my heart

And I wanted to end her

I heard a little girl cry today

My heart unloaded and took me back

My bedroom with my wife curled up

Please make those cries go away

Now that the crying has stopped I want to feel again

I want to hear that voice, see those expressions

Ask her how she is doing inside

And hug her with all of the life I have left in my body

I miss you

I look for you when I'm out driving

I hope you answer my calls one day

I'd love to hear your voice

My Dull Rock

 There's a hammer in my heart

It's not breaking me in two

It's not mending its' fractured shell

It's something there to remind me

When life seems good

You have it all and use it all

But it's not enough

Where can I find me more

There's a diamond rattling in my shoes

It's a diamond but it hurts like hell

So I toss this precious stone by the wayside

I'll find another that I like better

In my search I've found nothing at all

But the reality that I may have made a grave mistake

With all of my resilience and confidence

I look for a stone which shines brighter than before

When reality slaps me in the face

I try to slap it back

The invisible man of wishful thinking

Is flailing in the dark

I've realized there are no more stones

No more diamonds in the rough

I can walk away from a beacon of brightness

And play with the dull rocks at the side of the road

Free From Me

 I'm not angry at the people I've loved

I'm not sad that they stopped loving me

When they yell Bomb ,you run

So they ran to a better place

I feel a sense of calm in my personal storm

I loved so much but never loved myself enough

There is a sense of tranquility 

Knowing that the ones I've loved are better now

I have never complained

I have never placed blame

All fingers were directed at me

I manned up and took one in the Balls

I will say the past few years have been difficult

The past 10 months have brought me much pain

Yet there is a sense of freedom 

Freedom from the worry of hurting and disappointing ever again

Rather than trying to offer up reasons

I have no excuses to go with my lack of reasoning

I have learned more about myself during this time

I know people are better off without me

I hear and song lyric

"Whenever you're on my mind"

I smile and know we loved this song

I don't run from memories I embrace them

I may be a bit somber

But I'm a better person now

A prisoner locked up 

Can never hurt another again

So when my messages go unanswered

I know one day you will answer 

Life is the way it should be

No worries no hurries just free from me

The End Brings Perfection

 I'm very bitter

Despondent in regards to the big picture

I don't fear the end result

I embrace it with both arms

I tasted the end result

It's in the air I can smell it

There's nothing wrong with feeling bad

It's the new norm like a cup of coffee

I've driven the roads to euphoria

I've crashed and burned from inside out

I've pissed blood and shit my pants

I was ready to go right then

I've been spared

Somebody once cared

My well being was so damn important

You got the House, the friends and the Dog

I'm not mad about that

My gift to you for fucking up your day

My gift to myself for fucking up my life

Too late It's already done

People can walk on by a man in the fetal position

Beaten and tattered and nobody checks on him

He's bleeding internally, he's wailing aloud

Everybody back to work nothing important here

I can say humanity has surprised me

They see me coming and they open all doors

They see me stumbling along behind my Walker

They rush to make sure I never open another door

The Gods, Karma and stars align

One day I walk and open my own doors again

I see my boy and my little ones

Pops and Papa G is paid his due and respects

I'm gone for good 

Never got to say goodbye or even hello

I'm a better man, a free man

I will never make another mistake

I'm Different

 I never know what the score is

Am I still losing ?is it over yet?

Will it ever end

The self doubt and negativity

I'm surrounded with love

I'm needed by those who matter most

I'm relevant on so many fronts

I look in the mirror and see wasted space

The man in the mirror tells no lies

The man in the mirror lived no truths

I can't get it out of my head

Destroying the world I had in my hands

I see troubles, I see patterns

None of which I investigated thoroughly

Status quo become broken dreams

With broken hearts strewn everywhere

If I could have changed what I needed to change

Would my life be any different

I'd still be looking for the fancy 2 wheels 

Now I push 4 plastic wheels everywhere I go

I've made mistakes, so many fucking mistakes

All seemingly equally as horrible as the next

All the way back to 2 marriages ago

I was flawed and ruined before I ever go to number two

As with everything I've said and done

I take ownership and not too proud

I will never run away from what I've done

Especially when God and Karma seem to be teaming up

I say forgive me, I ask why not

I've forgiven those who hurt me before

The winds of change blow away my clouds

The sun will burn me as I stand in place

I ask for forgiveness

But don't expect much in return

The pattern and playbook set long before I came along

Some people follow all the rules

People have come and left my life

People have been good to me

People keep telling me I'm such a good man

My qualities don't float and sink to the bottom

I can sell you a list of dirty laundry

I can buy myself a temporary solution

Give it a year I'll tire from it all

And replace with something brand new

Tomorrow brings a new shot at getting it right

New things, old problems same coping incompetence

I hear lines from a movie

You've made no progress

I'm the same infant child I was 61 years ago

I don't know anything worthwhile I can pass along

Only age without wisdom

The bad taste I leave in peoples' lives

I don't have a closing line

I don't know what's right from wrong

I've only done what felt good for now  

Reprocutions have no meaning in my world

I have nothing left to say

No more pleas to be understood

I couldn't explain my life in a million words

I don't feel the need to try

So Condemn me for being an asshole

Hate me for breaking your heart

I have had more taken away from me

Than I could have ever given in many lifetimes

I made the fatal mistake of trying to be good

So much perfection surrounded me

I was doomed to fail and proved that fact

Every day of my life

Failure is a harsh and biting word

Living that life has not been easy

Being a fuck up is all I recognize

It's who I really am

I quit when I should fight

I fight when its all over and done

I care when I shouldn't give 2 fucks

So I'll take one back and say Fuck You! if it applies