Fear, Fuck-ups and Mortality

 What do I fear the most?

I'm really not afraid of anything tangent

I used to think about death and dying

Now I honestly look forward to it

Not going out by choice or by gunshot

Just don't care much about life or missing anything

I just went through the toughest year of my life

Who wants to deal with shit like that 

I did fear not living life to it's best standards

I never wanted to miss out on anything

 Never wanted to  say coulda, woulda, shoulda

So I did it and lived with many regrets

These regrets in the end were manageable

Some worth the risk, others sheer stupidity

Riding a motorcycle over 100 mph in a sweeping turn was worth the risk

Being a bad person and infidelity are my low points

The more I talk of my past

I learn more about what I didn't do right

Plenty of thoughtless mistakes and hurt feelings

At least I was funny so that was a thing

Thinking about this life

Nowhere near where I wanted to be

Physically, emotionally and spiritually devoid of meaning or purpose

My thoughts of kids, Grandkids are just thoughts

This world is a cruel place

Everyone desensitized knowing right from wrong

Social media is King and Free thought is a Ribeye Steak

Dead and rare theses days

I hope I don't quit on my thoughts

I surely don't want to quit on anyone who gives a shit 

It's hard to be perfect so I bow out immediately

Being a Fuck up is very unrewarding but so damn easy

As I count the people who have abandoned me 

I think of those whom I have walked away

No second chances just abrupt justice

Get the fuck out you're no good to me

Come back when you're perfect

Where the efforts to do so is a waste of time

The rewards to be perfect in an imperfect world

Defeat the purpose for being alive

I've lost so much

I've left so much on the table

Everything I've had or done

Has never seemed to be good enough to hold onto

I fumbled away too many things 

Lost things that at one time meant something I suppose

I don't feel any poorer or richer just different

Adjusting to misgivings real or perceived

Each morning brings a new surprise and opportunity

To fulfill a promise if it matters at all

Do I ask my God to save me 

Do I tell him he's doing a poor job?

I feel betrayed for many reasons

I've betrayed myself too many times

My God has an odd plan for me

I should have died twice in my lifetime

But instead I live a fraction of the man I was

Broken physically, spiritually trying to believe

I've been let down and betrayed too many times

For me to truly believe anymore

Failed marriages, friendships and parenting speak volumes

Too loud for me to understand clearly

The answers will hopefully come sooner than later

I'm not expecting much in return