I just Want To Say Hello

 After deep thought and many sleepless nights

I find myself fighting the same battles from a year ago

Thoughts of failing my family

Feelings that haven't diminished yet

The feelings are cyclical and come at odd times

Triggers seem to be less frequent this time

But seem to hit me harder when they do come

I cried myself to sleep last night thinking a good thought

I think about my boys, my grand children

Memories of helping to raise them , watch them grow

Proud of their progress and missing my holidays with them

Missing my wife who did nothing wrong

My feelings are all over the floor

Spread out like wrapping paper on Christmas morning

I try to pick them up and throw them away

I'm not ready to throw my memories away just yet

When I go to bed each night I always ask

How are you doing I wish I was there

When I wake up in the morning , I look at my messages

Hoping one day you'll care

I can get sad at times but I do reel it in

My focus wanders to so many places at once

My issues are deeper than I am able to fill

I want to feel good, be good to my kids and family

I re-arrange a line from a song

" I still think of you and all the SHIT I put you through"

I know I was wrong"

This song, this thought resonates with me 

When the wind blows past me it's gone forever

Reminiscent of my former life

I hold on tight to the goodness I was given every day

I dropped the ball of human kindness and being a better MAN

Your presence is still very apparent

Your essence engrained in my sinuses

I feel your hands even as they pushed me away

I have lived a very good life

When I see you again I often wonder

Will it be at the store, Pharmacy, Bank or a red light

I know for sure I'll smile a big smile

I hope you will do the same

I have a Million things to say to you

Most have been written and shared in this space

The opportunity or desire to speak may never come

Just know you were so incredible and I was just a LIE!