Tuesday, June 30, 2015
June 19,2015 6:16 pm.
The day was a long one for sure, I left work early because I needed to be with my momma on what is now known as her last day. My sorrow and empty feeling inside made me realize that it was here and it was here now for us all to embrace as reality. As I arrived at the house I could sense the end was near and it was a feeling of multiple emotions, some were of sadness and of remorse, others were of relief and of finality to an end of pain and discomfort. As the day progressed and family and friends loomed around, we shared food and drinks and some laughs meanwhile my mother holding on to life fighting for each breath of air as we watched her chest rise and fall and repeat the process for the next 8 hours. Each of us stood vigil for a stint in her small bedroom adorned with family pictures and beanie babies! The hours grew later and we waited for My Son Brandon to arrive from work, he was done at 6 and was running a little late from a dead battery. The 6 pm alarm chimes on the family clock in the living room and does it's thing until completion. We are eating and drinking whatever we had to eat and drink and I look at the clock and it is now 6:15 pm as I see Brandon pass by as I look out to the street. one minute later at 6:16 I hear cries from the bedroom and conversations going on with my mother , she had left us and went to another world. Just then My son walks in and sees me stunned and with tears in my eyes "She's gone son" I tell him, he hugs me and we cry in each others arms for a few minutes. After the realization sets in we are all very tranquil, maybe a sense of peace has set in even amongst the sorrow and pain we gather to reflect the all of positives that just occurred, she can now soar in the Heavens, hang out with Dad and do whatever her body did not allow her to do , do it freely from here on and be at ease knowing her kids will be fine! I have such an mazing family support system from my siblings to my in-laws and my wife and kids that have given so much love throughout the entire process. Thank you To all that held our hands and gave us the needed love and attention during this very hard time in our lives, So much to say and so many thoughts still being processed as I speak. day to day they will come to fruition and be dealt with properly, God Bless you all.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Momma
When saying goodbye is not an option
Saying Hello has come and gone
I savor the moments of the days
When they will cease from existing
Memories are my words
thoughts are my sentences
A bitter sweet feeling inside
That doesn't always make much sense
I will carry this torch that eternally burns
Life's lessons and spiritual awareness
Living life by examples not words
Not passing judgment but extending a hand
Being different means opportunities
to grow and understand what life truly means
School was always in session
for the life's lessons were so well taught
As we await the passing of my mother
the sadness, gladness and often conflicting feelings
I won't say goodbye, or see you soon
But carry on the through life's lessons taught
How do you express your love
how can I say thank you Mom
how many wasted bitter years
that make so much sense today
This journey to another era
when anger and discontent was my friend
It means so much to me today
because I understand why it happened this way
Thanks again mom
for teaching me how to be a man
thank you for teaching me how to love
and allow others to love me back
God blessed us all with your love
your maternal gifts that we can now pay forward
Your work is done, now time for fun
Go rest and soothe your tired body
Saying Hello has come and gone
I savor the moments of the days
When they will cease from existing
Memories are my words
thoughts are my sentences
A bitter sweet feeling inside
That doesn't always make much sense
I will carry this torch that eternally burns
Life's lessons and spiritual awareness
Living life by examples not words
Not passing judgment but extending a hand
Being different means opportunities
to grow and understand what life truly means
School was always in session
for the life's lessons were so well taught
As we await the passing of my mother
the sadness, gladness and often conflicting feelings
I won't say goodbye, or see you soon
But carry on the through life's lessons taught
How do you express your love
how can I say thank you Mom
how many wasted bitter years
that make so much sense today
This journey to another era
when anger and discontent was my friend
It means so much to me today
because I understand why it happened this way
Thanks again mom
for teaching me how to be a man
thank you for teaching me how to love
and allow others to love me back
God blessed us all with your love
your maternal gifts that we can now pay forward
Your work is done, now time for fun
Go rest and soothe your tired body
Monday, May 4, 2015
What Ever Happened To.......?
There was a time
When I could walk out outside
And be prepared to be dazzled, amazed or even overwhelmed
but now, All I see and feel is underachievement
There was a time when you could stop a kid
Have a conversation!
"How you doing kid???"
but today a blank stare looks up from an iPhone
It used to be, that respect was not a street term
Now it keeps you alive at a stop light
there was a time when you grumbled at kids noises
Now the silence is broken by War Games on the Xbox
I can vaguely remember looking out for kids while driving
Now I look out for Adults stumbling into the streets
Whatever happened to the Baseball game sin the street
Fantasy baseball has taken it's place
Trying to make some sense of it all
I wonder how this so- called evolving world
Has taken so many steps to the rear
that history repeating itself would be an upward move
The simple minded and self absorbed
The social media whores and Pimps
Look at me , hear me , see me at all costs
It's only interesting to them because they say they are
What ever happened to personality and character
Honesty and intrigue in our make up
digital clones never walking alone
But always in style and fashion
What ever happened to men being men
Skinny jeans and fashion statements
The girls all trying to be Paris and Kim
Easy targets and no substance.
And when do the flood gates ever close
Idiocy and oversimplifications of a complex world
Should I tweet, Facebook or Snap it now
Because the world can't wait for one more stupid tweet
When I could walk out outside
And be prepared to be dazzled, amazed or even overwhelmed
but now, All I see and feel is underachievement
There was a time when you could stop a kid
Have a conversation!
"How you doing kid???"
but today a blank stare looks up from an iPhone
It used to be, that respect was not a street term
Now it keeps you alive at a stop light
there was a time when you grumbled at kids noises
Now the silence is broken by War Games on the Xbox
I can vaguely remember looking out for kids while driving
Now I look out for Adults stumbling into the streets
Whatever happened to the Baseball game sin the street
Fantasy baseball has taken it's place
Trying to make some sense of it all
I wonder how this so- called evolving world
Has taken so many steps to the rear
that history repeating itself would be an upward move
The simple minded and self absorbed
The social media whores and Pimps
Look at me , hear me , see me at all costs
It's only interesting to them because they say they are
What ever happened to personality and character
Honesty and intrigue in our make up
digital clones never walking alone
But always in style and fashion
What ever happened to men being men
Skinny jeans and fashion statements
The girls all trying to be Paris and Kim
Easy targets and no substance.
And when do the flood gates ever close
Idiocy and oversimplifications of a complex world
Should I tweet, Facebook or Snap it now
Because the world can't wait for one more stupid tweet
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
So Long Dodger Blue
As I write this I feel a sadness that takes me back to 1970, my first visit to Dodgers Paradise in the Ravine. I was 7 years old and eyes wide open and moth agape. Sitting in the reserve section on the third base side on a hot LA day. Dodgers facing the Cincinnati Reds and a double header to boot. As a mere 7 year old I was engrossed more on the game and less on the vendors of food and souvenir vendors passing each aisle for what seemed all game long. The Dodger faithful in typical huge numbers over 50 thousand fans on a hot summer's day. Both sisters, big brother and dad were all enjoying this hot day and the soda man was busy that day, my first dodger dog which at the time thought was the best hot dog on the planet, now I can't even stomach the smell of the Farmer john dog ! So I sit there and hear Vinnie on the ever-present transistor radio and his voice echoed throughout the park, each pitch called with pinpoint accuracy and the plays were portraits that if I closed my eyes I knew what the play would look like, Vinnie told me so and I believed him. I heard Vin call the play by play and the names of Lee May, Tommy Helms, Johnny Bench ,Pete Rose , Bobby Tolan to name a few. The game progressed and from that point on I was in love with Baseball.
Move to present and the state of the game is so much different than it was back when I was introduced to in 1970 and has become a slower paced self loathing, melodrama and the ME-Generation has taken it over. Money and greed are the benefactors of world class talent and making money via TV deals and sponsorship is the biggest game in town, how to market the product on the field is much more important than winning baseball games and giving fans what they deserve, want and need. Baseball is far less dependent on Fan attendance and more reliant upon TV deals and contracts that woeful companies are willing to sign. Which moves me to my sadness and the Time Warner TV deal the Dodgers signed over a year ago which does not allow 70% of the Dodger Demographics to watch on TV, blacked out games unless you carry the inferior Time Warner Cable system which not everybody can access being a territorial carrier, unlike Direct, dish and Verizon which can essentially be garnered in most regions of SoCal. So here we are with TW selling games to 30% of their potential audience and losing 70% of their potential fan base, bad business form where I sit but I don't really care, I'm willing to pony up the $5 extra to watch the dodgers on direct, but Direct and other refuse to pay that to TW for some very legitimate reason and nobody wants to become bed buddies with TW, I get that Too! So meanwhile the Dodgers are reeling in the green on an 8.2 Billion dollar 25 year deal which nets them $330 million per year whether they win or lose! The dodgers as I write this are in first place but under achieving with the highest payroll in sports and still making money on TV deal, highest attendance in the big Leagues in the # 2 market in the country and still they can't agree to work out a deal . Unless The Feds step in and make this right there will be no dodger baseball for the masses, only the unfortunate that choose TW as their Cable carrier. So here is my dilemma, I love the dodgers but feel betrayed by them and have not been to a game in 2 years and have boycotted them, even if cheering lightly on the side and reading about them I can't watch them on TV and refuse to listen on Radio for 3 inning of Vin Scully and then deal with 6 innings of Charlie Steiner and Rick Monday...Noooo thank you. So out of personal necessity and taking a stand and not giving in and changing cable to get my dodgers game son the TV , I have given this date of June 15, 2015 for them to have a TV deal in the works or at least talking about it seriously or I will burn all of my Dodgers gear and be done with them forever, the extreme betrayal of an organization to its' fans who draw the most attendance, spend the most on food and souvenirs and make them money hand over fist. I feel like millions of other Southern Californians betrayed by our Home team and loyalty has slipped their minds over the mighty dollar. Guggenheim should be ashamed of themselves, Magic Johnson should resign , he knows better than to treat LA fans who supported him as a Laker and during his sickness to give back so little to Dodger fans. Currently I get the Lakers , which is a Time Warner feed , why couldn't I switch that for the dodgers, or be able to buy that channel ala carte so to speak if I wanted to , that way people who don't want the Dodgers won't have to pay for it????? I miss the dodgers and I'm sure I will miss the Baseball but being relegated to becoming a Cubs fan is not my idea of what a 7 year old boy thought his allegiance would be now as a 52 year old man. I thought Dodgers, Rams ,Lakers ,Kings, all of the local teams . The Rams moved away and are thinking of coming back, the Lakers are bad right now but I still like them, even more so when Kobe retires and goes away, Kings Hockey has been good to LA. So TW, LA Dodgers franchise , get it all together this is fundamentally so wrong to so many loyal fans, and yes the easy answer would be for us to all subscribe to TW cable but there is a principal of being done wrong and not being forgiving as you pass on by counting money of the millions of fans who have supported you. It is a shame and I feel horrible but as a 52 year old man I have other things I can and will do to fill my time, giving in to the corporate greed won't be one of them , Sad days indeed but taking a stand. June 15 is coming quickly and a day that I dread!
Move to present and the state of the game is so much different than it was back when I was introduced to in 1970 and has become a slower paced self loathing, melodrama and the ME-Generation has taken it over. Money and greed are the benefactors of world class talent and making money via TV deals and sponsorship is the biggest game in town, how to market the product on the field is much more important than winning baseball games and giving fans what they deserve, want and need. Baseball is far less dependent on Fan attendance and more reliant upon TV deals and contracts that woeful companies are willing to sign. Which moves me to my sadness and the Time Warner TV deal the Dodgers signed over a year ago which does not allow 70% of the Dodger Demographics to watch on TV, blacked out games unless you carry the inferior Time Warner Cable system which not everybody can access being a territorial carrier, unlike Direct, dish and Verizon which can essentially be garnered in most regions of SoCal. So here we are with TW selling games to 30% of their potential audience and losing 70% of their potential fan base, bad business form where I sit but I don't really care, I'm willing to pony up the $5 extra to watch the dodgers on direct, but Direct and other refuse to pay that to TW for some very legitimate reason and nobody wants to become bed buddies with TW, I get that Too! So meanwhile the Dodgers are reeling in the green on an 8.2 Billion dollar 25 year deal which nets them $330 million per year whether they win or lose! The dodgers as I write this are in first place but under achieving with the highest payroll in sports and still making money on TV deal, highest attendance in the big Leagues in the # 2 market in the country and still they can't agree to work out a deal . Unless The Feds step in and make this right there will be no dodger baseball for the masses, only the unfortunate that choose TW as their Cable carrier. So here is my dilemma, I love the dodgers but feel betrayed by them and have not been to a game in 2 years and have boycotted them, even if cheering lightly on the side and reading about them I can't watch them on TV and refuse to listen on Radio for 3 inning of Vin Scully and then deal with 6 innings of Charlie Steiner and Rick Monday...Noooo thank you. So out of personal necessity and taking a stand and not giving in and changing cable to get my dodgers game son the TV , I have given this date of June 15, 2015 for them to have a TV deal in the works or at least talking about it seriously or I will burn all of my Dodgers gear and be done with them forever, the extreme betrayal of an organization to its' fans who draw the most attendance, spend the most on food and souvenirs and make them money hand over fist. I feel like millions of other Southern Californians betrayed by our Home team and loyalty has slipped their minds over the mighty dollar. Guggenheim should be ashamed of themselves, Magic Johnson should resign , he knows better than to treat LA fans who supported him as a Laker and during his sickness to give back so little to Dodger fans. Currently I get the Lakers , which is a Time Warner feed , why couldn't I switch that for the dodgers, or be able to buy that channel ala carte so to speak if I wanted to , that way people who don't want the Dodgers won't have to pay for it????? I miss the dodgers and I'm sure I will miss the Baseball but being relegated to becoming a Cubs fan is not my idea of what a 7 year old boy thought his allegiance would be now as a 52 year old man. I thought Dodgers, Rams ,Lakers ,Kings, all of the local teams . The Rams moved away and are thinking of coming back, the Lakers are bad right now but I still like them, even more so when Kobe retires and goes away, Kings Hockey has been good to LA. So TW, LA Dodgers franchise , get it all together this is fundamentally so wrong to so many loyal fans, and yes the easy answer would be for us to all subscribe to TW cable but there is a principal of being done wrong and not being forgiving as you pass on by counting money of the millions of fans who have supported you. It is a shame and I feel horrible but as a 52 year old man I have other things I can and will do to fill my time, giving in to the corporate greed won't be one of them , Sad days indeed but taking a stand. June 15 is coming quickly and a day that I dread!
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Evolving Slowly
Ever wonder why the sun goes down
With hopes and dreams and happy thought
Realities forever abound
Waking me from my daily slumber
What becomes of a spoiled heart
To realize that I can't realize
Riches of a healthy home
The expectations rise exponentially
Who can save a wayward boat
To captain this ship is to own this ship
Irresponsibility does not desire responsibility
Because ownership has its value
Mindful of traveled roads
Maps and GPS cannot be used
Solo trips and circular drives
A trip that makes a man feel alive
Self absorption and a entitled Sponge
self loathing and writhing towards the end
See the finish line before the start
Running this race in reverse
Cannot see the scenic route
the joys and smiles of victory
Peaks and valleys are everyday life
my back pack is full of angst
As I reach into this grab bag of self doubt
I slap myself with a thundering clout
The house upon the hill I see
Is truly not the place for me
When a person watches struggle
and has few of his own
How can he ever be fully grown
Realizations' that life is not free
the fruits keep falling so easily
So I take my ladder go further up high
Where life's fruit sweetens when you appreciate
With hopes and dreams and happy thought
Realities forever abound
Waking me from my daily slumber
What becomes of a spoiled heart
To realize that I can't realize
Riches of a healthy home
The expectations rise exponentially
Who can save a wayward boat
To captain this ship is to own this ship
Irresponsibility does not desire responsibility
Because ownership has its value
Mindful of traveled roads
Maps and GPS cannot be used
Solo trips and circular drives
A trip that makes a man feel alive
Self absorption and a entitled Sponge
self loathing and writhing towards the end
See the finish line before the start
Running this race in reverse
Cannot see the scenic route
the joys and smiles of victory
Peaks and valleys are everyday life
my back pack is full of angst
As I reach into this grab bag of self doubt
I slap myself with a thundering clout
The house upon the hill I see
Is truly not the place for me
When a person watches struggle
and has few of his own
How can he ever be fully grown
Realizations' that life is not free
the fruits keep falling so easily
So I take my ladder go further up high
Where life's fruit sweetens when you appreciate
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Generation Me, My ,I
I can hardly believe what these eyes do see
I don't want to see what I can't change
Help me understand the limits that exist
Troubled and ashamed at the lack of growth
Fast food nation and drive through minds
Can't see days ahead unless its on Facebook
Look at me I'm getting coffee
My Harley Davidson won't start up
Dinner conversations a finger click away
put down your phone if you have something to say
I feel the distance from my chair next to me
Another Selfie snapped off pitifully
A rush of desperation and continually try
To understand this generation of passers by
entitlements and self loathing abound
Will common sense ever be found
I'll drink to that my diet Coke
don't look at me as if I'm the joke
Lose yourself in your every move
another selfie and you re-generate
Look at me now, its been 5 minutes
I'm still on my phone as another pretty girl walks by
You're missing the world around you click by click
you couldn't get laid if she sat on your dick
This Generation me, what can you do
It's all about me ,it's my time now
Hey old man your time is gone
Move along they're playing my song
Sing along, sing so loudly
Look at me yell did you even notice me
If you miss my show don't you worry
I video taped myself in all my glory
In 20 years when life is colder
the wasted years of acting bold
failure to look beyond your mirrors glances
where your memories are your shining hours
I don't want to see what I can't change
Help me understand the limits that exist
Troubled and ashamed at the lack of growth
Fast food nation and drive through minds
Can't see days ahead unless its on Facebook
Look at me I'm getting coffee
My Harley Davidson won't start up
Dinner conversations a finger click away
put down your phone if you have something to say
I feel the distance from my chair next to me
Another Selfie snapped off pitifully
A rush of desperation and continually try
To understand this generation of passers by
entitlements and self loathing abound
Will common sense ever be found
I'll drink to that my diet Coke
don't look at me as if I'm the joke
Lose yourself in your every move
another selfie and you re-generate
Look at me now, its been 5 minutes
I'm still on my phone as another pretty girl walks by
You're missing the world around you click by click
you couldn't get laid if she sat on your dick
This Generation me, what can you do
It's all about me ,it's my time now
Hey old man your time is gone
Move along they're playing my song
Sing along, sing so loudly
Look at me yell did you even notice me
If you miss my show don't you worry
I video taped myself in all my glory
In 20 years when life is colder
the wasted years of acting bold
failure to look beyond your mirrors glances
where your memories are your shining hours
Monday, February 2, 2015
Feeling It!
I have for some reason put down my reading books and picked up my pen once again. Feeling pretty good about the way life is running it's course and have no complaints about the days behind me or the upcoming that await me. Been really fixated on the narcissistic side of the house , reading a few books on that subject, the latest being "Generation Me" by Jean Twenge, which is really amazing, her second book that I have read on this subject, not to mention 3 others by various authors. A really interesting subject that explains the new generation of people born in the early 80's. I live with it , I work with it and it is a phenomenon that is a head scratcher for sure and somehow comical and sad at the same time. SO beyond all of that I feel really glad to be back on the bike again , the Busa is a beast and so much fun in a different sort of way, bigger, heavier and faster somehow than I have ever ridden before but a connection of control and sheer speed and power unrivaled by anything I have ever ridden before. So here I am writing a bit more and feeling a bit more controversial and a pot stirring fool of sorts. Getting back to this forum feels like home again, not sure why I stopped but nearly a year went by with no additions to the Blog. I still feel very blessed and really fortunate to be Where I am , with an amazing support group of wife and family, kids and a the few friends that will have me, actually that I will choose to have , love my little box with big happiness inside to make everyday a holiday and Christmas at the same time. good times and Good Living!
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