Bittersweet At Best

This weekend brought us a very very bittersweet feeling indeed, On Saturday we took Mandy and our Granddaughter Aubrey to LAX for their trip to Virginia to meet up with our son Ty. During the hour drive to the airport  look back and see my baby quiet and sleeping, we get to the airport and a sudden feeling of loss came into my body and  felt instantly sick . I helped Mandy with her bags to the counter and got her somewhat squared away for her flight to Denver ,then to D.C followed by a midnight eastern time rental car ride southward to Virginia and the Fort Lee Area. As I hugged Mandy goodbye i then turned to my sweet Aubrey and kissed her and rubber her hair while tearing up, she was still asleep which made it easier for me to say goodbye ,I said my goodbyes and walked away and instantly felt empty inside, i get the car and Terria drives away and we are headed towards San Juan Capistrano.

WE drive away from LAX and very silent , nothing said, wiping tears away and still nothing said, feeling sad and angry and not knowing how to deal with the fact that t could be months ,or a year til we see her again, only 9 months old and developing that loving bond that we had  hope she can remember us the way remember her today, very painful event  and knowing full well it s temporary and it will change for the time being i miss my little grandaughter and feel a loss in my life and cannot wait until we see her again.. So we finally make it away from the airport and the thoughts and feeling come out, we both shared our angers, our sadness and our ways of dealing with going from 3-4 times a week seeing and playing with our girl to phone calls and skype as the only was for awhile.

We arrived in San Juan Capistrano and get to our destination, the yamaha dealer of OC to sign for and take ownership of my 2012 Yamaha R1 , they had it ready for me, signed a few signatures went out took the keys and Terria as on her way in the car and  was on my way for the horrible  hour freeway ride from there to Oxnard. Being a lover of twisty and turning roads the freeways are the most boring and most dangerous roads to traverse, traffic flows and blind spots are a motorcyclist nightmare,lane splitting amongst others is a dangerous way to ride a motorcycle which is why I use freeways only as a means to get to the twisty canyon stuff where the only mistakes made will be my own. o the ride home was non eventful and felt nice to be on a world class superbike again compliments of my Terria who opted forn the motorcycle over a 50th birthday party as a means of practicality and knowing full well  have been wanting another bike  and the party would have been nice but over in one night and 3500-400 down the tubes for a memory when i can create a rush a nw memories every day with my passon for riding a fast motorcycle fast and with much speed and ability, not ready to trade in my skills for an over priced Harley and poser like riding from watering hole to watering hole, I ride and ride hard and I I hurt myself then let it be Gods will, its not like I don't have the ability and skill level to ride hard and fast and yet at a safe level, this is what experience and riding allot  has given me. Than god for Terria's understanding of who i am and what my true appreciation for the sport of motorcycling means to me. So i was very appreciative of her again for the ongoing support that she gives to me, especially about motorcycling where the worry will come back to her every time I go out, the ride of Nov 22 2009 is coming up on a 3 years anniversary and the constant reminder that I am not invincible and i almost lost my life on a road that i have traveled 1000 times before and made one mistake that was almost fatal.      

So the weekend was nearly over , the trip to LAX. the sadness and then the uplifting trip to OC to get my bike. We then get home and get the message from Tim and April to join them in Vegas, we pondered and then decided to head up about 5pm, get there at 10 pm and start the weekend in Vegas, which is my least favorite destination, but i had to try to process my Aubrey being away and figured we could divert the sorrow by this min trip, off monday from work we decided why not? The drive was quick, the music was loud and we arrived into sin city wit a blank stare on our faces and in our minds. THe term Bittersweet is the best term I can use here  and for all it's worth , this s a very bittersweet weekend with some nice things taking place and some not so pleasant things as wel. We live and grow and learn how to deal with our lives nuances and thats called growth. We deal with our crap the way we do and deal with the consequences accordingly Good night and good tmes

Time To Catch Up

Another really good start to a weekend, a really good nights sleep, a late wake up call and a trip to the gym. The gym is my friend again after nearly a month off with my back and sciatica issues. But back with a vengeance and feeling good about a new program I have started and hope that will jump start some better results for 2012 -2013. But with my sciatica and allot of hard work by my chiropractor and 3 epidurals , my back was in bad shape. I guess driving 3700 miles in a smallish car with few breaks to stretch out didn't help my backs compression too much did it.

After having gone through the worst time of my life with my back, and being essentially not myself for 3 months and not being able to sleep or essentially walk very well for 2 1/2months I am very appreciative and feel so damn good in comparison to where I was just 4 weeks ago. Just finishing up y 3rd epidural shot last Thursday  for touch up purposes I probably could have gone without it but I anted every bit of the inflammation to be gone. So here I am a few days later and feeling better minute by minute.

Dilemmas abound, well not real dilemmas but things to think about either way. Terria is trying to plan my 50th birthday party somewhere, somehow ,someway and I'm not totally behind the project, very appreciative of the love she wants to show I am being selfish and keep hinting at a new motorcycle but understand her reluctance to put me on a another motorcycle after my crash 3 years ago. But with that I am blessed and very happy that she wants to do something nice for me, me being me just wants what I want when I want it and that's really somewhat childish on my part but what am I supposed to do?  So either way I will turn 50 on January 4 of 2013 and really cannot believe that fact at all ,it is true but I feel so emotionally young and so refreshed spiritually and refuse to get old upstairs, the body will do what the body will do and that's something I attend to gym to slow down the aging process,not stop it just maintain the active lifestyle that you have always wanted in the golden years, not wheelchairs,scooters and canes and all that diaper crap that scares the shit out of me to no end...pardon that pun please.

Really been trying to find my next book to read and have taken way too much time here from my writing so I make an attempt to think about things I want to share, and things that I can share without divulging way too much information about myself ,hence the reason that I chose not to write my book was that it would hurt too many, expose too much and do very few people any positive effects other than myself and the satisfaction of completing a tell all story about me, pretty self serving and really not worth it in the end result by exposing not only myself but allot of people and ruthless acts that I have been part of...til I can write again..goodnight and good times!

It's My Party And There Will be No Sadness!

The Thought ran through my mind
With a needle in my back
And the pains in my spine
The world I love so hard to define
So I scrape and I crawl to the other side
Where the mystery is dark
and the curtains closed shut
I struggle to realize
That the world is not forever
and tomorrows may never come
Like a battlefield soldier
I cringe and open my eyes to facts that lay ahead

My days turn into nights
And the darkness seems to suit me right
Sleepless and gasping
for the life I want
which is precious life in itself.
trying not to look into the rear view
for the upcoming days are few to enjoy
closer to the end than the beginning
I see the end but fear nothing
My spirituality and realizations
Of a deed done right and giving from my heart
This world owes me nothing
That this life has given me so much
I will never complain for this goodness
Will eventually come to an end

No darkness is upon me
No wishes of the end
The Realist in my soul tonight
Will make me enjoy the ride to the finish

My gifts and my rewards
are the things and people i can touch
With some goodness and thoughtfulness
Or and ear ,and a strong shoulder
Bleesed am i to live this life
with those who surround my day
The blessings come from the little things
The things that we don't ask for
So i wait with hope
and anticipate
The music at my doors

The booming from the a DJ board
The thumping all around
People laughing and not crying
When their friend has left the grounds
I want  to see the smiles and celebrate the life
Of a man who lived his life in Smile
and a style all his own
So as the music beats and strums along to the days that we celebrate
My curtain call will be the hall
that we recognize my Beats
This drum has been beaten for the last time today
This drummer boy who beats his drum
To his own special way.

My loves in my life ,please assure me
this ceremony won't be
A sad affair and a typical farewell
but a party dedicated to ME
Not of arrogance in that sense, but
To Me and the good things i loved
To ME and the people i made laugh
To My loves of Baseball and my Teams
My Family, my Wife and Kids
I want this day to emulate the way that i lived
Eat too much, drink too much,dance til it hurts
I even have a request to make
The last song that will make it real
The appropriate song I feel for this day
Thelonious Monster's "Please make sure that my grave is kept clean"

Farewell to my Good life
For a better one awaits  us all
My relationship with my Savior
My hidden gem that I selfishly kept to myself
Oh yes i doubted him and  he made me mad
but of grandstands I do not play
My personal realtionship with my God
Goes beyond my final day!

Should I stay or Should I go now

Sounds like one of my favorite Clash song and well it's time to go out and buy a new Macbook pro, the one I have ,the Macbook Air is nearing a year and a half and reaching dinosaur status and the need for the latest and greatest is ...well.... how my spoiled ass rolls anymore! So trying to justify anything at this point is a waste of time for me, just trying out the Macbook Pro of Terria's and loving her keyboard and the action of the keystrokes and well less strain on the tap tap typing that these nodules on my fingertips have grown to be. So, do I run down to Frys before they close and save 200 bucks now or do I bite the bullet and to deal with the ridged non cushioned keyboard and advanced features of the newMacbook pro, so I shall decide shortly after closing this post and write about it later on in detail....hahahahaha sucks to be a spoiled 49 year old brat I'd say

Losing Patience

Nearly 2 weeks ago Tim went in for a few procedures to try to save his arm, it all worked very well and the cures for this may have created other issues of bleeding in his stomach area. 2 procedures and no success later Tim still lies in bed waiting for a procedure to get in there and stop the bleeding and have failed in 2 attempts and have pushed the third back twice now and will re-schedule in for a few days more. So 2 weeks and some progress has occurred and we still wait for something to turn around and stop the bad aneurysm in hi stomach and make it all work as it did before. The medical field being amazing as it can be has failed him in a sense and has given us all a false sense of security that this procedure to get in and fix the leaks and bad veins has left us all in a state of flux. Losing patience with the Kaiser crew who after attempt #2 moved him to another Kaiser facility to make a better attempt at the procedure. So going on 2 weeks and some good news bad news scenarios are in effect, tired and concerned about Tim's recovery, state of mind and overall health and well-being after all is said and done. We keep a high hope vigil and keep the positive thoughts and prayers for a good result! Today marked the first day of school for Terria and another school year has rolled down the pike for 2012. All ready and willing to start the year with new students and issues that teachers deal with yearly she prepared all summer with a bum achilles tendon and an impending surgery to repair the frayed achilles. Should be an easy procedure and we are sure that she will bounce back after a 6 week stint in her boot, which she has worn the past 2 plus months during a therapeutic stint to alleviate the surgery, well that didn't work and we are set for an August 31 surgery date to repair her damaged Achilles tendon. This didn't stop her from doing a trip to Salt Lake City and a trip To Dallas, and Houston this past month, like a trooper she came through like a champ and hobbled around in her boot and never complained at all! So a new school year is upon us and new things are popping up everywhere with the boys, the grand baby and the world around us that constantly evolves and the hopes to evolve with it in a positive way. So here we are all relatively healthy, happy and just trying to make each day a great event and prepare for the following day and do it all over again. We are in a good place and move toward the new challenges ahead with excitement and interest. Good times for sure! get better Tim and Rock on Terria , somebody give me a shot for the damn Sciatic nerve that screams at me tonight!!!!

Timothy

Been a rough few weeks for my brother in law Tim and my sister April, THe ongoing numbness in his right arm had many blockages and arteries that were no longer working and the arm was dying as there was no blood flow to keep it moving. After a month of prolonged Kaiser care and tests after test and seemingly nothing being done, they come up with "you will lose your arm" diagnosis. We shriek in anger at the medical practices of hurry up and wait and a month goes by and it only worsens along with the blood flow. So Tim and April along with the rest of us are disconsolate at the thoughts of our Tim being unable to Golf and Bowl and do the things he loves to do? We were at our wits end and another procedure was tombe tried, injecting artery cleaner and hoe that the blockages would unload and allow blood flow to get the the proper places, well this morning there was activity and flow through the arm and there is a good chance that they will be able to bypass and give Tim's right arm the blood flow it needs and there is a good chance he will keep his arm if the good fortunes continue. So a whirlwind of 24 hours of not knowing what the hell was going to happen, the magic of drugs and medicine is only as good as those who administer it and how aggressive they choose to be! Well I shouldn't complain at this point but there is much to be said about the medical industry, for all the great things they do they do make mistakes and think that they are Gods with their ego, the Dr's that is egomaniacs on one hand and yet have the ability and knowledge to change people lives if they can only get out of their egos way. Thank God for stepping in and giving Tim a chance to continue his wonderful lifestyle and carefree ways and fight like an SOB my brother!!!!

TY Boy

We watched our youngest boy Ty join the ranks of US Army today, shipped off from the recruiters office too LA where we will watch him be sworn in tomorrow and then he heads off to Fort Sill Oklahoma for basic training. He leaves behind for now his wife and our precious grandaughter Aubrey til they reunite after his training school following Boot camp. Feeling a little odd at walking wawy from ty today, knowing his life will soon change and he will be thrust into the ranks of the warriors as his brother has before him. We are very proud of the boys, all three of them, all in different staged of their lives and growth as young adults as watching Ty hold his baby and sit next to mom and his wife Mandy make me think how important that family truly is. Tomorrow we will drive to LA and watch him be finally sworn in and then he heads to the airport for his trip to Oklahoma for basic training and the road to his ultimate duty station where he will be reunited with Mandy and Aubrey. When Braz went in he went in with his now former wife and had a goal in hand to see his wife everyday during their trianing, Ty will be out there alone thinking about his baby and his wife and that might hurt him quite a bit. But the bottom line is that they are there for a job and will do fine and stay focused on the task at hand, mom and dad will worry and think about him as we do with Braz. Very proud right now that we have 2 boys representing the Army and supporting their respective families any way they can. So we will say goodbye tomorrow to Ty and wish him the best and know he is doing the right thing... Go get em kid!