Catching Up With Myself!

Have been asked allot lately as to why I haven't been writing very much lately? I can only think that I truly have nothing to share ,or to say but am enjoying the epiphanies that have come my way that are not up for sharing publicly at this time. Never truly being a private person and always at the ready to share my thoughts, some thoughts are better left unsaid and shared in private. We do have alot of things on the docket for the next few months, a trip to Salt Lake City and the city of Tooele for the World superbike and AMA superbike weekend over Memorial day weekend. A beautiful 800 mile drive to SLC with my love and companion Terria sharing the common passion of Professional motorcycle racing at the highest level is always amazing to us. After that we are tentatively planning a Baseball week in Chicago, Cincinnati, Milwaukee and St Louis on a Baseball tour company for a reasonable price, since we didn't make spring training this year we might replace our Orlando Disney /golf trip with the Baseball tour thing, yet to be finalized but good times either way. Been reading more than normal these days and Reading "Republican Gommorah" by Max Blumenthal right now, really interesting book on the Party that is imploding upon itself these days with the outlandish characters and personalities all under the guise of Religious fanaticism...very spooky shit! Awaiting the new book "Idiot America" which will be a great read as well and essentially will touch on allot of hings that I already have been saying about this once great country and how far we have fallen overall. Well that was a quick snapshot of what i am doing , how i am feeling and where I am in life with my Terria these days, things are always getting better and always a work in progress,. Once I stop working at it all, I am going backwards and that trip will never be made again trust me !! Still working the bugs out with Morales and seeing the progress that i have made in regards to my inner sanctum of Life. Things are great and will get better , the day is young and this life is just getting started so I feel good about it all and continue to allow myself to know I don't know everything and that I am fallible and make mistakes ,all which are correctable! Good Day indeed!

The Style Council - You're The Best Thing (Live Tokyo 1984)

This song rings true on so many levels for me and Terria and I just the enjoy the ride and the growth and know it an ongoing process of love and understanding!

The Picture!

Something always seems to trigger certain emotions in my mind, a song, a thoughtful gesture or a movie, in this case a picture of my wife Terria triggers a deep and sorrowful thought into my soul that makes me cry each and every time i see this picture.  Move back to May 2010 and i was in a different place with a totally different mindset and generally not my true self. I went to breakfast with my wife and knew i was doing the wrong thing to the wrong person and all for my word was too damn whatever it is, to call it out and make the necessary changes to get back where i belong in  my marriage with Terria.  I sat there with my wife and sister at the Galloping hen eating and talking and thinking ofmy life without my Terria! I take out my phone and take a picture of her sitting next to me and seeing the pains and anguish in her heart to know that we would soon be finished and done with. As i write I am looking at this picture and feel so bad everytime i see it, the look of loss and pain is so evident to me because I know what i was doing to her and it felt so bad in my heart to knowingly hurt the woman i a so in love with and always have been! I cannot describe the feelings of what i was doing or the why i was doing it, it just was not me and not what I am all about. I do not hurt the ones i love and I was doing it and feeling the pain and anguish right along with my wife. with much time and conversations and the therapeutic genius of Michael i feel a sense of newness in not only my marriage but in my life, the spirituality of doing things wrong and then correcting them all is amazing to me. I walked many tightropes in my life and have fallen prey to bad decisions and poor judgements far too long now, the inner side of me is working overtime to figure out why i do what i do and how i can focus on changing a lifetime of bad habits and poor judgement for the rest of my days. Everytime i look back on this time last year i really hate myself for the pains inflicted on so many, yet I was imploding upon myself and would eventually succumb to the bomb inside me and do so much damage if left unchecked. My life is an ongoing University of knowledge and learning about me and my dealings with myself is an everyday class project. i can only thank God and my Terria for standing by my side and never leaving me alone to destroy myself with my actions and bad decisions and poor judgements. today ,i still make mistakes but never to the magnitude of last year, just the hiccups and Greg at times getting too comfortable with his life and forgetting where I have been and the trail of disappointments left behind. so today is a good day, Thinking about tonight and the dinner plans we have yet to finalize, someplace healthy and tasty which can't always go hand in hand but we shall try. Terria says for me to delete the picture but i can't, it represents a  growth periods for me and a grounding vehicle of how i felt everyday i was betraying my wife. so i will never get ride of that picture and hold her and that picture near in my hands and heart forever. Love you honey

Blessed!

ThE Rains may fall
Along with the hopes
this world in turmoil
and so much despair

I feel a bit shameful
that my skies are sunny
still see the light of day
And still being funny

The days and nights are all into one
the pains around me may never be undone
Yet i grasp and seize the days I've won
Tomorrow still cloudy but here comes the sun

Feeling good in bad times
given the world and never in need
Watching the waves of life sweep people away
A shaking and rattling of the souls dismay

I ask my God how can this be
I look around to the misery
I sit atop this perch in my lifes tree
So blessed in all of this glory

When i stumble I see the cracks
When i break it, it never collapses
The support system that never fails me
The faith ,hope and Love that never betrays

Tony Ortiz "The Happiness song!"

THe lead singer from the Monroes, Tony Ortiz, Hope you enjoy this Terria. I had him perform this especially for you, since we're tight and all!!! Enjoy

Humanity! And my tolerance levels!

A very busy week has nearly ended with so much going on, last night put a bitter taste in my mouth and make me visibly angry at the world today. On top of the Crap going on in Japan and the mismanaged nuclear situation which in turn endangers us all somewhere ,somehow down the line. The Fact that Friend Joey and his friend were stabbed last night in Santa Paula for essentially wearing Oakland A's hats , since they coach little league and the A's are the team they coach the homeboys weren't buying the story. so they  stabbed Joey and put him in the hospital, a midnight emergency surgery to stop the bleeding and all is on the mend. Getting home from the hospital with Terria at 3 am this morning and knowing his mom and dad were scared and angry, as were we but shows how cruel the world can be at time. On the flip side of that i baked cakes and Muffins for fundraising again and made nearly 100 dollars today, Angie gave me $50 and the other stuff garnered 40 plus , so i will send another 150 to Jennifer and Shawn today and know that we are closer to giving Liam a chance at a better life. so there is good and bad in our lives and never ceases to amaze me how the differences in our worlds can be so close ,yet so far away from each other. where is the love and where is the compassion that people no longer feel towards one another. This weekend can bring us so many things, we can either go to Terrias second golf Lesson or we can hit balls , ride motorcycles and do whatever the weather allows us to do, supposed to rain down for a few days so we shall see where that takes us and the plans. Hitting golf balls after work and may take a trip to the hospital with Terria to see Joey but am lifeless about doing the gym at this point, feeling a real lack of energy for the gym and the Bally's experience is getting to me as their clientele is really gone ghetto and i might just hit somebody here soon so might be looking for a gym that My Terria and i can attend without being made to feel so much of a foreigner ! Amazing but true the type of people that Bally's is now attracting, nobody hablas ingles i swear and that shit bothers me, along with the lack of gym etiquette and wiping down the sweaty machine that you just used...cmon people common decency is not that hard to understand unless your a Ghetto Rat Piece of Shit! All things considered i really need to quit my bitching and stop and realize the wonderful goodness that we all possess on a daily basis. with my new found epiphany on life and the re-emergance of my dedication to being a better person, husband and friend to my wife and boys i can really see where the above complaints and rants can be taken as negativity, and they are a negative slant on all that i feel should be better and easier to do from the humanistic point of view. But this ME society and their own agendas is the death of rational thought and lifestyles in making our own lives better, but the lives of those we touch even better by caring and giving of ourselves without thinking how we need to benefit from these actions. I am a true believer that God has given me the gifts so that i may give back either in theory or by my own hands. So strange Terria and i speaking of this at 3 am in the morning driving home from the hospital and knowing we are a blessed family with very unique and special abilities to touch those around us. Terria is an amazing human being who gives so much of her heart to her friends and her students, so strong and able to rebound from whatever life throws at her, to include a really confused and dazed husband who constantly has her scratching her head!!! So much love and admiration and feeling a much needed weekend is upon us now. I will get the energy to hit balls and then head home a take a nap with my wife... good day1

Epiphany!

Been a few days since writing and really don't know why, a touch of indifference or just nothing really to say!  I again put myself in the drivers seat with no steering wheel at times and lose direction and focus on all that is important to me. but at the right time i regain the wheel and steer myself clear of impending dangers.  I turn to my resolve and try to get in touch with the internal parts that at times miss a few gears and try to call for the needed grease to get them rolling smoothly again. In sharing my life with Terria also comes the baggage that ensues, the fight , the scurry and the pieces of yesterday that always seem to remind me of the Greg from days gone by. The mistakes are far too many to mention and much to fragile to place in an open forum such as this , yet i feel the blessing s in my day with every minute that turns and gets me closer to a new day. i search for that missing part of me to stabilize the mind and the heart and answer every doubt filled question that i and that others will thrust upon me today. I again thank Michael for giving me the hope and the tools to step in the right direction of clarity and the ways of dropping the grab bag of bullshit off to the side of the road. Feeling really good just a bit alarmed at the newness of doing things the right way for the first time in a long time or if ever at all. i see and feel the light at the end of the tunnel and the breeze at my back, thankful that Terria is so damn amazing in her support and strength to nurture the Gregasaurus in all of my faults and shortcomings. I see the future better than i see today, knowing that the days will come and i will progress to level that i expect myself to be at. I have raised my own bar today, never again looking back but looking forward and seeing the better picture. I do expect allot from myself as i do from the rest of those who come into my life, my friends are few but very powerful and true, my family is amazing and they are all in the right place in the right time and never further away than arms reach to hold me when i fall, and My Terria is a Godsend and a living Angel that has given me the courage, strength and wherewithall to be the best I can be, because she is always at the top of her game and never lets me down. i in turn will do the same for her from here on out and never look back on missteps from yesterdays broken pieces of Greg. Yes today is an epiphany for me, the joys of admission and letting emotions flow and realizing that I am a viable human being who deserves this life and deserves all that i call my own. today is in fact the first day in a series of amazing days for Terria and Greg Duran. Thanks to God for allowing us the incredible life that we are able to share on a daily basis . Good Times!