One more candle

 I got another box via UPS today

Pre birthday present to myself

Another item that I don't need

The 2 I have aren't good enough

Sounds very familiar I should say

Instant gratification and the next best thing

I play with my new toy while the luster exists

Today's prize possession is tomorrow's old news

Happy birthday to me

I've lost my only real present

I've unwrapped my happiness

For a less than shiny toy

Another year has gone by

Seems like 10 just ask my body

I won't celebrate or make a fuss

Forgive me for losing my pot of love

I'm not bitter or angry with life

My anger is tempered when I can write

I see all those pictures and hear those songs

Thumbing through and sing along

I can cry me a river and Wipe away the tears

Rise from the ashes where I used to sit

Wait for a call or a text

Play " Baby come back" and see what happens? I'm pathetic 

Life without you

 It's a new day 

Cold outside warm and nice inside

Don't really venture out much lately

So I work from home and wait for the day to end

I'm feeling very non descript today

No emotions or feelings whatsoever

Maybe Emotional overload has worn me down

Because I haven't stopped caring

I slept well last night emotionally drained

I didn't dream at all

The reality of a full nights sleep

Really did the trick

Contemplating breakfast but not hungry for food right now

I would love to receive a text from you

Hey asshole how's it going for you

For which I have no good reply

I could say I'm sad and miss you

I could lie and say life is great!

Would it matter what I say to you

You've checked out and won't be back.

Such an odd emotional state for me today

I wonder why my sadness hasn't kicked in

I haven't listened to one of those songs

I opt for comfort and write about it

I think you're still on vacation

I'm leery to write you and ask

The deafening silence breaks my heart

I don't need anymore tears

My anticipation and contemplation

Upcoming retirement awaits me

I still have a hard time holding on 

To the destruction of our master plan

Growing old together, 

now growing old apart

Each trip I take to somewhere else

Incomplete and lacking my love

I can ask myself as a broken man

Things didn't have to be this way

How did I go from living the dream

To my life without you

WHAT?

 I love to be loved

I crave being cared about

I really want to matter

I want to be adored

Ego or confidence?

Self assured or an asshole

Bravado versus cowardice

Do I really think I mattered

Make a difference or get out of the way

Don't be the weakest link

Don't ever be that person

Who thinks I'm better than you

Speak the truth or shut up

Listen and you can learn

Life beyond my own perspective

What an incredible world I've missed

Jealousy and insecurity

Best friends til the end

If only I knew what I think I know

I would still be an idiot

I really Fucked up

 Yes I really did!

The greatest collapse

 As I look at my phone's screen saver

I see a beautiful picture my puppy Drew dog

So handsome and loving, loyal to the end

Something I could not learn from him

I miss him and his momma T

They were full of life and have purpose

I used to display my wife and I

I can't deal with that being a distant memory

Today I actually felt like death

No will no strength no ability to cope

I felt my body trying to leave me

I was ok with that

It's not just the fact that I lost my family

That hurts ,it really does

It's the hurt I've inflicted on the ones I love

The very same that were dying with me

Every step of the way I was supported

Loved unconditionally until the conditions were beyond repair

How far I've fallen, forever sullen

Nobody will ever forgive or forget

That emptiness I carry today

Hollow shell of a man once deemed a supportive wall

Rock and pillar to the woman I love

Now just dust in a corner where I used to sit

I've never been one to look back

Now all I can do is hold onto a memory

Vivid, clear and so very true

Her Goodness was my forever gift

Goodness gone because I made it so

I can't beat myself up anymore

No strength and not enough space to write about it

But I continue to try, continue to cry

I wouldn't call it a pity party

More a realization of the truth

The truths ironically call my name

Yes it's me again, hello and goodbye

It's that time of the night to call it

Here comes the darkness waiting for me

The longest days are the nights

When sleep is a long lost friend

I will pray myself to sleep again

Mumble my favorite songs

Ask my Lord and my Terria for forgiveness

May the morning prove me wrong 

Move towards something!

 The Holidays are over now

Back to work after 20 days off

I'm glad to be back on schedule again

The world and its problems keep going on

Mixed emotions on this holiday

Saw half of my grandchildren and none of my wife

It's a cruel mix of give and take

Nothing changes but the date

So much focus on what has gone wrong

Human nature and self induced torture

I keep playing the same sad songs

And the same results of sadness and tears

I'm trying to focus on being good

No anger , no animosity just resolve

I'm hoping to one day grow and evolve

Into a person I want to be

Solving yesterday's problems with tomorrow's solutions

It somehow seems like an allution

I want a better chance in tomorrow's fight

Another year gone and I'm still not right

So I move with a mindset

Things will get better

That yesterday has shattered my dream

I'm not a dreamer but a lost and lonely soul

My best Terria

 I came up on a photo montage today.

The memories reminder that you get on occasion

So much time elapsed

So many wonderful memories

I see you holding out grandkids

I see you next to me on the ship

Pictures of that smile of yours

The smile I would kill to see again

I know you aren't talking to me now

Maybe you never will again

I text and text waiting for a reply

I die a little more with each no reply

There's nothing I can say to you

Apologies are fruitless at this time

You say I don't care about you or your feelings

Your hurt feelings and broken heart have made me die

Terria I want you to know

That your love was always the best

Life without you and that love

Has really become meaningless

When I dread waking up each morning

I dread the day ahead

I think about you and what you're doing

And I want to rub your back

I hear our little sayings

The cuteness always on display

Every corner every turn I take

I see a restaurant we used to share

I see you in my mind all day

I cherish the memories

Today I'm feeling the loss and devastation

I don't know how I can ever move on

This is something I can't comprehend

And I'm sure you feel the same

I take your silence with me

As disgust ,anger and disappointment

At this point in my life 

There is nowhere to go without you

Our trips to Phoenix,Mcfees, Cambria and local eateries

I can never again go without you

I wish you would talk to me

But I understand why you don't

I'm trying so hard to give you space

It's so hard to be without you

If you read this and I think you will

I do have a couple requests

I want to read your letter

And I can't die not forgiven

It's obvious I want you back

I've destroyed roads and burned bridges

I pray you will reconsider someday

To rebuild our broken dream

Either way my biggest wish

Is to one day see your happiness

The smile, the bubbly personality shining bright

I want to say hello again, I want to hear that laugh