Faulty Wiring

I'm haunted by yesterday.

Tomorrow scares the shit out of me.

What will make the fears go away

While I forget about today

I'm trying to connect to what is real

My mind is not ready to face the truth

My messed up world that I have chosen

I will never understand my choices

I shake my head in disbelief ,I cry myself to sleep.

When morning comes I feel the weight.

My shoulders heavy ,my heart is broken

What did I expect?

Even if you forgive me

I can never forgive myself

The damage I've created

I deserve what I will miss

I've realized that my flaws are real

quick fix admiration and a weakness for what  is wrong

The next best thing is out there.

So I chase whatever I already have

Trying to look deep inside

being honest with myself

I can't save myself from myself

So instead I try to hide

The truths stares me down 

each and every day

the looking glass tells no lies

So I look the other way

The pillow that I use at night.

Is nowhere to be found.

It's buried underneath the truth.

And never used again.

The pains and the sorrow 

that I feel and have given

Decisions and incisions that cut so deep.

How can I ever be forgiven?

Trying to solve my inner angst

And coming up with no solutions

be cautious when dealing with a bad connection.

And a case of faulty wiring

Dec 2 2023

This Isn't how I imagined this date

My wife's birthday today

I'm over here she is not 

I want her in my life, she does not want me.

The numerous mistakes and heartaches haunt me

I had every opportunity to do what's right

be the best person I could be

For the best woman I was blessed to know

Retrospect and great memories

Looking back the pains still grow

If I had another chance

I'd fuck that one up too

Today should be a day of celebration.

Like every day before

We should be side by side.

Not waiting by the door

Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

We will both be wide awake.

I wake up to a world of  regrets

And the choices I have made.

I hope that your pains go away soon.

I hope you will forgive me too.

But if you can't I understand

two strangers passing through

Chances

Why do I get so many chances

opportunities that others don't get

I lost my family to bad decisions

And I gain a family that I've lost

My son, my grandsons

A text and a few pictures

The life I've missed is the chance to make it all right 

I miss my boy so much

Why has God been so forgiving ?

How do I always have an open door

Is my poor health  payment for my sins

I don't think it works that way

It's hello to new beginnings

taking me away from all I knew

The family home, the one that got away

Chances follow me wherever I go.

So I Pray

Most people don't know I am a spiritual man

Oddly enough , I am

I'm not the Church on Sunday or bumper sticker with the fishy guy

Just keeping it real and won't ask for much.

My mind runs wild with every passing second.

My thoughts are generally good. 

My actions are sometimes questionable.

My God, why am I here?

I pray for you

I think of you all day 

Maybe I should have prayed for myself on occasion.

To fix the broken parts of me

I pray myself to bed at night

Conversations of thoughts gone wrong

Should have been thanking the lord

Instead of wanting more

Goodnight my love as I wait for you.

my mind plays tricks ,is this all a bad dream?

I'm wide awake with nowhere to go

The clock ticks on as I waste my life

 

Back again

 This roads' familiarity scares me 

The bumps and cracks are still there.

Maintenance has not been performed

So we go around the bend

My broken body and fucked up mind

my future happiness left behind

where does life go from here

I should have a road map to take me there

Starting over with new opportunities

I leave behind the broken pieces.

Pieces that others will clean up for me.

I walk away to continually be broken.

I'm coming back to a place I know

instant gratification and something else I don't need

Always looking for the next best thing

While I let it all go when I already had it

 

Sorry

I apologize tonight

Tomorrow and everyday forward

My inability to do what's right 

I've been here before

To my family and friends I ask for forgiveness

to my wonderful wife I ask for my world back

The very world I couldn't appreciate and protect

The world that has come crashing down on me

Disappointment is too kind for me

I let too many people down and don't know why

This state of worthlessness

I construct only to destruct

Missing dates and holidays

Birthday dinners and barbequed Saturdays

I miss my life very much

I miss my wife so much more than that.

Again ,I ask to be forgiven

No hatred no ill will 

I've never deserved the blessed life I lived

Nor do my loved ones deserve what was given

Deceit and evasiveness ,trying to hide

Whatever I was looking for and never found

You hurt, I hurt, maybe tomorrow will be better.

Wake up tomorrow and give it a try

Pain

This really hurts

The pains I've given that I wear today

 Won't soon go away

What the hell have I done?

I've lost it all

My family , my wife and myself

the world that I knew

has changed and won't ever return

How many second chances does one get

I'm missing one that I don't deserve

I own this mess but can't clean it up

Everyday gets harder, pain hasn't subsided.

I feel this sickness might be terminal, 

no therapy, no medications in sight

I sit alone again tonight.

Thoughts of despair and hopelessness

Looking back on where I've been

It's not a good place to go again

So cry me a river I weep tonight

For what I have done will never fade away

I sabotaged my happiness

for useless bouts of emptiness

the pain I've given I feel it too

my weakness that I shared with you

In moving forward I see brick walls

no future, no smiles  just remorseful regrets

I pray for you to come back to me

When I should pray for your freedom to be happy