Save a Prayer

The song that I was listening to when i heard of my dad's passing away. I loved that song and it always made me go into Greg mode, thought and contemplation and forever beating something to death until its' resolution. I took dads death very hard and I still think about him everyday and every time i drive by El Rio Little League. I see him on the sidelines watching his star pitcher on the Angels striking guys out and hitting balls over the fence in to the lemon orchards. Yes, the good old days. i choose to remember these days as a 12 year old as they were times when dad was no longer drinking and was no longer a worrisome figure in my life. I hated my dad when he drank i hated the smell of the alcohol when he made hug and kiss him and i hated the way he treated my mother and us when he was drunk. When he stopped drinking I remember being able to become a kid again, being allowed not to have to wait til he got home from a drunken stupor until i was able to rest and go to sleep at night. Nice childhood to be a worrier at the age of 7-11 tears old. it sucked and the memory of it sucks even more as i was traumatized by the dysfunction in my mind. as a kid teaching myself to do ,or not do things as an adult based on the good and bad that was displayed in front of me everyday. As my therapist says, i raised myself emotionally! As an adult i don't allow the ones who love me to do so completely as i feel a sense of uneasiness at allowing them to do so, lack of self worth, or worthiness i guess but a disconnect someplace. So on my dads last day on this earth, i was supposed to be with him and was supposed to watch him die in front of me, i was too tired from being out the previous night and did not accompany him to Bobs Big boy that morning as i always did on Sunday mornings, i was too tired from the previous night to watch my fathers last breath!!!! I thank god for allowing me to miss that, i think i would have killed myself if i had witnessed my hero falling down in front of me. Dad would share prison camp stories, battlefield stories about WW2 in Corregidor Philippine islands and i would be riveted to his stories. My dad only 5-5 was a stone cold ass kicker and would kick the shit out of anybody who looked at him wrong, the toughest man i ever met. He would always tell me ,Son, don't worry about the guy who tells you he's gonna kick your ass, worry about the guy who takes off his jacket, and then his watch ,hands it to a friend and then clocks you into next week with out one word, my dad was taking off his sweater as he demonstrated this very manly trait! so i will write a little poem to my dad and hope that wherever he is , he can understand that he was loved, missed and has Grand kids that would adore and admire his giving nature... I love you Dad


You lived your life in disarray
no love, but hate
you grew from nothing
and had nothing left give
but you tried ,and tried again

The kids all loved you
we still do today
u gave strangers money for the pinball games
when they played with no ball in play

the corner market was our home
we laughed , we ate ,we even stole(Linda)
my time that i can remember
are the years that hurt the most

so i dig up my yesterdays
from ages 12 and beyond
you dropped your bottle
and became a man, and forgiveness moved forward

Dad i truly miss you
but your pains are all gone today
I wish i could share you with my boys
and my nieces, nephews and friends

you were so hard
yet your soft side shone thru
you hated the bills,or the thrill
but did it anyway and a sense of accomplishment

i remember the little green book
phone #'s and expenditures
I remember the mis-spelled words
the dollar figures for lunch

Hey dad i need a new pair of spikes
a new Rawlings would you please
you blinked an eye, got it done
and pissed my mother off

you always gave me the best
the others got hand me downs and seconds
I felt no guilt til adulthood
where the realities became just that

you tried so hard to be happy
but the war and bad marriages fucked you up
you were angry at the world
and bottled it up when you drank

On the day you left us all
I was supposed to be by your side
I was weary from a night out last night
and i will pass on breakfast that morning

what a blessing and the guilt
to know a friendly face was not with you
but had i been
I'd be scarred for life, if even around to feel the pain

your kids do remember
the goodness and the bad
we forgive but can never forget
the days when i wished i was dead

I hated the fighting and yelling
and vowed to never do the same
so I didn't ,nor do i
and never really drink

Richard was the star of us all
he still is and i feel so proud
so truthful and so righteous
I am blessed to call him my own

April was the pillar, amazingly so
the rock of her crumbled shell
She was my mom , and is my mom
and i owe her my life forever

Linda was the angelic one
head buried in the sand
she was my greatest nemesis
we always fought for more

Mother was a mother
but not really to me
her lack of warmth was passed on down
and i had my April to love me

My Terria is amazing
My dad would have loved her
he would have said, "Terria
you want to go get some coffee",
and there they would have went

So i listened to a trigger song
Duran Durans' "Save a prayer"
I takes me back to Jan 15 ,1984
and the pains keeps flowing through

My grave site wish to my father
was i wanted to go home with him
I was lost and needed closure
which i think this letter has done

I love my life and my Family
where my lord has brought me to
the life i live, is so much to give
to a man who has it all