Time To Grow

Not much had been going on with this side of the house, i had almost forgotten this Blog altogether. I used it as my venting board back when I was a non believer and felt that this was a hardcore arena for me in which to play hard and get dirty. now that things are different spiritually for me I can see a different light, light itself is a good thing for me as it can open my eyes and my world to different and more exciting things. Personal growth can stop when you have a mindset set so narrow. I hope to be able to read and see the gray areas of life, life is not just black and white, right and wrong or good versus bad. There are so many variables in life that we don't ever look at as viable option in decision making or the thought process altogether. I as always have done some real soul searching and heartfelt pondering in regards to my life and my roles as husband, father, brother and friend to to those who qualify. I have opened the mindset to try to improve upon the Man that I am and make my life a stronger, better place to be, taking a way the moments pleasures and looking at the long road ahead, planning for the future beyond today's realm. I have made many fixable mistakes in my life, all of which have been conquered and moved onto something else, i can look in the mirror these days and admit to being a flawed person and a person with much to give and much to enjoy yet I have felt that the world i have been in has been a Broadway show and never truly taken seriously. I seek out the help and the tools to get this mind back on track in regards to living truthfully, living righteously and giving my love and my life to the proper people and places in my world. The setbacks i have faced are essentially behind me, the weekly visits to Dr. Morales are my emotional tune up to get me to think outside of my box of Greg and allow My wife and my family to give of themselves the way that they are capable of doing, and helping me to extend my arms and allow their goodness totally into my life. My strained relationship with my mother has really closed some doors for me and has not allowed me to let females in my life get too close, this i truly believe is true and am now working on allowing myself to let that phase of my life go and start to re-invigorate my mind and soul to allow the past to be the past and look to the future as a building block to the happiness that we so deeply deserve. My happiness has never been in question til now and the fact that i dig deeper and find more soil on my soul is at time dis-heartening for me to realize, my childhood and my adolescence had been compromised and i truly believe that the rebuilding of the psyche began on Nov 22 ,2009. My vulnerability after my crash made me pull further back than i had ever been before, i saw things in my family and in my self that scared me. I saw the looks of fear as I sit there bleeding internally knowing that they knew something i didn't and I could feel and hear the fear and I went numb to it all .the next 2 months of recuperation with Terria by my side every minute of the day til i went back to work and struggled to put in a full days work due to fatigue and that hurt and pain that i left behind. My wife was there and never left me did everything for me and would not relent until she knew i was ok to get back to normal. i had never relied on anybody to ever assist me like that in my life, never been so near death and so unable to even wipe my own ass and get out of my chair without assistance. i was hurting and vulnerable and i needed my wife to be there for me and she was! As i progressed and got better and stronger, went back to the gym and got even stronger and felt like a million bucks and started the drifting away and weening myself away from my wife. This gradual evacuation helped me to understand the vulnerabilities that i carried to the social arena and I got caught up in the whole thing. After my 3 month Hiatus I was snapped to attention by somebody Else's decision and thanking God that it was done for me, i didn't have the strength or fortitude to do it myself ,yet wanted to on many occasions, the old Greg would have unhitched the trailer long before it was unhitched for him but that means nothing today, just the fact that i am healthier and stronger than i have ever been, through therapy and the recognition of my issues. I can now work towards solving my own puzzle and answering the quiz questions of my detour IN my life, the accident brought about many other issues and has the single worst thing and yet the best thing that had ever happened to me, it brought about realization that Greg was not all fixed and not always as good as he thought he was, now i get back to the roots of the problems, kick them in the ass and live a more productive and eventful life. i love my life and my progress of where I've been and where i need to be. God Bless us All !