Journey to my Wife

A day to commemorate my gifts
Today I embrace ,and retrace
where I've been
with and without you

A second chance is more than the wind
to be cherished like the day
and the person i love so very much
never to be put in doubt again

i look to the top of the mountain
a place we've stood atop before
As I climb it all over again
I will stop,smell and pick the flowers

My travels here and abroad
have brought me wisdom and questions
I'm smart enough to know and to ask questions
So i sit ,stare and ponder my fate

Trusting myself and my life
Giving myself another chance
allowing the love to get closer to me
realization and the knowledge to accept it all

I'm not all i thought I was
but can exceed all that was once thought
I give of myself an openness
To open my heart, my mind and my eyes to it all

Today is a celebratory day
but for us it seems so much more
Its pulling the plug and putting it back in
to re-energize a love that had never gone wrong

without yesterday there would be no today
tomorrow is a but another opportunity
To make things better and build upon
The house that was really never broken

I send my love and heartfelt joys to you
I see the light from the tunnel coming through
just a short trip away from today
I will see you soon .coming home today

Thank you So Much for Being My Wife
the strongest positive in my life
forgiven for the pain and strife
and allowing this husband another try!

Love you Terria, With soooo much Love ,Greg

June 30,2010 New Beginnings!

Move back 9 years ago, I remember the day I married my Terria an I recount the day my life changed for the better. Just 30 days ago I was in another town with another person living another life thatI knew nothing about. This time last year Terria ad I enjoyed a Dodger game and a night under the lights, all great times with my wonderful wife. My Anniversary this year takes on a whole new special meaning for us, this was to be our last Anniversay together and our last chance to be married together with the pending confusion that entered my life. This was a real wake up call for us and we have risen above the turmoil and working to improve our hold on the past insecurities and disallusionment. I want to thank My wonderfu; Terria from the botom of my heart for allowing me to heal and to try to return back to the Greg Duran she reunited with 12 years ago and the man she allowed to come back and give it another try. I am so very blessed to have such a wonderful wife and friend, life partner and most understanding person that I have ever met. I have another second chance to get it right and this time my dear I plan on making it better than ever, not once stopping til I get it right . I am devoted to us and devoted to making this better than ever before. Thank you so much my wonderul Terria for giving me the opportunity to make my world better, even if by default , the chance to make it right is my destiny and I will not fail this time, I assure you this for certian, Terria I love you and am so Blessed to call u my wife and that things are getting better than before each and every day. Happy Anniversary my Love, I love you Terria Lynn Duran.

The Room Is Done

The fun room,play room,TV room ,whatever we are calling it is dependant upon what we are doing in it at any give time. After a fathers day of priming and painting the room a light chocolate brown, we had the boys install the laminate wood flooring and baseboards on the following Saturday. Mission accomplished in 5 hours. Terria and I then went to Urban Home and bought a leather loveseat, couch and chair combo and threw n all in place, a floor lamp and a entertainment center, throw in the 32"TV and the Fios cable box and we are TV ready The room still lack flavor so I need some wall representation and some coverage ,either pictures or something to cover the barren walls. I head out i search of some ideas, I add an end table and a tiered shelf to show off My NFL helmet collection and stach them around the room. I break out some vintage Rock and Roll Posters given to Brandon by my best friend Scott, get this, My 3 favorite bands of all time, The Clash, the Jam and Elvis costello I then figure out how to make the 3 work with 4 empty walls. I sent Brandon the Salzers to pick up a couple of Good Movie picture posters to fill the 2 new frames I bought at Michaels. Brandon headed out and came back with Boondock saints and a Pulp Fiction awesome set of Posters. He framed them I hung them and we are ready for wall installs. I set up all 5 around each wall,with my widest wall getting the movie posters, the Music posters wemt on the other 3 walls. Looked great and set up the mood for the play room. I then put together a Laptop table for Terrias and my Laptops, Done and done and we are set for laptops and await to be used at will. I am using my tall stools for my candle holders/beverage holder/end tales, also bought 2 new throw pillows for the love seat in contrasting style to the couches ,yet sharing the same brown and black color scheme. The throw rugs and runners down and all is set for the maiden run The last poster and frame are straightened and I hit the TV button and boom, Baseball and STeven Strasburg throwing heat on the tube versus the Braves and Chipper Jones Good Fucking Times. I have my room and set aside place to write and listen to music, sing and scream if I so choose to do so. 3 rooms down one more to go, the bedroom is next and look forward to recreating a masterpiece with that one. So I am relaxing, writing from my own play room where Terria and I can hang and talk ad love eah other from across the room ,Good times I tell you

Time To Grow

Not much had been going on with this side of the house, i had almost forgotten this Blog altogether. I used it as my venting board back when I was a non believer and felt that this was a hardcore arena for me in which to play hard and get dirty. now that things are different spiritually for me I can see a different light, light itself is a good thing for me as it can open my eyes and my world to different and more exciting things. Personal growth can stop when you have a mindset set so narrow. I hope to be able to read and see the gray areas of life, life is not just black and white, right and wrong or good versus bad. There are so many variables in life that we don't ever look at as viable option in decision making or the thought process altogether. I as always have done some real soul searching and heartfelt pondering in regards to my life and my roles as husband, father, brother and friend to to those who qualify. I have opened the mindset to try to improve upon the Man that I am and make my life a stronger, better place to be, taking a way the moments pleasures and looking at the long road ahead, planning for the future beyond today's realm. I have made many fixable mistakes in my life, all of which have been conquered and moved onto something else, i can look in the mirror these days and admit to being a flawed person and a person with much to give and much to enjoy yet I have felt that the world i have been in has been a Broadway show and never truly taken seriously. I seek out the help and the tools to get this mind back on track in regards to living truthfully, living righteously and giving my love and my life to the proper people and places in my world. The setbacks i have faced are essentially behind me, the weekly visits to Dr. Morales are my emotional tune up to get me to think outside of my box of Greg and allow My wife and my family to give of themselves the way that they are capable of doing, and helping me to extend my arms and allow their goodness totally into my life. My strained relationship with my mother has really closed some doors for me and has not allowed me to let females in my life get too close, this i truly believe is true and am now working on allowing myself to let that phase of my life go and start to re-invigorate my mind and soul to allow the past to be the past and look to the future as a building block to the happiness that we so deeply deserve. My happiness has never been in question til now and the fact that i dig deeper and find more soil on my soul is at time dis-heartening for me to realize, my childhood and my adolescence had been compromised and i truly believe that the rebuilding of the psyche began on Nov 22 ,2009. My vulnerability after my crash made me pull further back than i had ever been before, i saw things in my family and in my self that scared me. I saw the looks of fear as I sit there bleeding internally knowing that they knew something i didn't and I could feel and hear the fear and I went numb to it all .the next 2 months of recuperation with Terria by my side every minute of the day til i went back to work and struggled to put in a full days work due to fatigue and that hurt and pain that i left behind. My wife was there and never left me did everything for me and would not relent until she knew i was ok to get back to normal. i had never relied on anybody to ever assist me like that in my life, never been so near death and so unable to even wipe my own ass and get out of my chair without assistance. i was hurting and vulnerable and i needed my wife to be there for me and she was! As i progressed and got better and stronger, went back to the gym and got even stronger and felt like a million bucks and started the drifting away and weening myself away from my wife. This gradual evacuation helped me to understand the vulnerabilities that i carried to the social arena and I got caught up in the whole thing. After my 3 month Hiatus I was snapped to attention by somebody Else's decision and thanking God that it was done for me, i didn't have the strength or fortitude to do it myself ,yet wanted to on many occasions, the old Greg would have unhitched the trailer long before it was unhitched for him but that means nothing today, just the fact that i am healthier and stronger than i have ever been, through therapy and the recognition of my issues. I can now work towards solving my own puzzle and answering the quiz questions of my detour IN my life, the accident brought about many other issues and has the single worst thing and yet the best thing that had ever happened to me, it brought about realization that Greg was not all fixed and not always as good as he thought he was, now i get back to the roots of the problems, kick them in the ass and live a more productive and eventful life. i love my life and my progress of where I've been and where i need to be. God Bless us All !

"The Character Couch"

I expose myself to this strangers ears
I sell my soul to the thoughts of failure
my punishments are self inflicted
tomorrows a day closer to success

I write my thoughts and papers folded
the journal speaks and I hear myself
calling out the world I fled
My Doctor tells me to let her in

I fear encroachment
from every direction
I fear the hands
that I never reach out for

my selfish ways and arrogance
push back the love and take it on myself
I cannot be pleased yet seek to please
this pain and void and the pains I feel

I can walk away even when pushed
I can feel no pains but when I deal them
I seek out answers t the questions I create
I have my own answers but they never work

I thought I was something really cool
I thought! I thought! was my first mistake
the smartest man that I know
is failing at life and his daily tests

I sit across the one I love
listen and watch her writhe in pain
I sit there and cant do a thing
So i listen and cry, and wish to Die

I come so far to see the days
When I could fix and play today
but I no longer fix it all
So I listen to Michael to soften my fall

Im all ears and hope to find
solutions and answers to the worries I've brought
to my world and to my girl
I have your forgiveness and need it all

the Week

Very productive and fun filled weekend of projects finished and anniversary cake for Brazaleen baked,decorated and delivered in triple tier fashion, Great job TLD on that one. The room was floored and furnished with new furniture from the local urban home, black leather couch,loveseat and chair all bought, broght and put in place. We go a cool throw rug and some black out curtains and a new floor lamp to give it some new light. We need to buy a small computer desk for the laptops so we can play in the extra room, watch TV or relax on one of 3 very nice and comfy leather resting places. This week I plan to re-seed and manure the fron tyard and get it back to its former luster and green playing field look. This work week should be a good one,Taking tomorrow off fro the gym ,been 4 weeks since my last day off and my body is worn out and I can feel the strain on the joints so Monday will be a day off and probably be a day to hit golf balls ans try to play on Wednesday . I had a great therapy sesson this past Thursday, Dr. Morales had some great stories and had us each share some stories and exmaples of our own to give us both an idea of where we need to get. My biggest liability is allowing Terria to get close to me and allow her to show her love by giving andd doing things for me, I have I guess pushed her away and tried to take over my own world and disallow her the opportunity to work her goodness into my everyday,Thus taking away a big part of wht and who she realy is, the same type of giving anfd loving perso tat I am ,s next week should be really good and look so forward to getting there and sharing more! Should be another incredible week of persnal and couples growth for Terria ad I, bother sperate and together we are definitely getting closer and putting the affair behind us as best as we can, but the time and work must be put in and done otherwise we fall prey to the same mistakes all over again. I am in a better place tat I was a week ago and plan on being even further down the road next week. Good times

The day

Better Days

This site was formerly my atheist page and really a place where i would come and poke fun at christians for their hypocracy and really enjoyed it. since having returned to Christianity and seeing its true goodness in all its full effect. i survived a motorcycle crash, a near divorce after my affair and some counseling to understand all of it. So here i sit going thru counseling with terria and trying to figure out some inner demons of Greg Duran. I allow myself very little leeway and will always be my own hardest and truest critic so i must delve into that and become realistically more subtle towards myself in helping myself get through things without damaging myself in the process. Things are back to normal and i feel i am making some real progress in my new world allowing myself to be loved,admired, helped and vulnerable to make mistakes without the world ending. Thanks to Dr. Morales and to Terria for allowing me back in qnd giving me the tool to fix my broken psyche