I just Want To Say Hello

 After deep thought and many sleepless nights

I find myself fighting the same battles from a year ago

Thoughts of failing my family

Feelings that haven't diminished yet

The feelings are cyclical and come at odd times

Triggers seem to be less frequent this time

But seem to hit me harder when they do come

I cried myself to sleep last night thinking a good thought

I think about my boys, my grand children

Memories of helping to raise them , watch them grow

Proud of their progress and missing my holidays with them

Missing my wife who did nothing wrong

My feelings are all over the floor

Spread out like wrapping paper on Christmas morning

I try to pick them up and throw them away

I'm not ready to throw my memories away just yet

When I go to bed each night I always ask

How are you doing I wish I was there

When I wake up in the morning , I look at my messages

Hoping one day you'll care

I can get sad at times but I do reel it in

My focus wanders to so many places at once

My issues are deeper than I am able to fill

I want to feel good, be good to my kids and family

I re-arrange a line from a song

" I still think of you and all the SHIT I put you through"

I know I was wrong"

This song, this thought resonates with me 

When the wind blows past me it's gone forever

Reminiscent of my former life

I hold on tight to the goodness I was given every day

I dropped the ball of human kindness and being a better MAN

Your presence is still very apparent

Your essence engrained in my sinuses

I feel your hands even as they pushed me away

I have lived a very good life

When I see you again I often wonder

Will it be at the store, Pharmacy, Bank or a red light

I know for sure I'll smile a big smile

I hope you will do the same

I have a Million things to say to you

Most have been written and shared in this space

The opportunity or desire to speak may never come

Just know you were so incredible and I was just a LIE!

Lost Faith

 I have wondered if the pains I feel

Are my rewards for giving out pain throughout my life

Retribution for my bad decisions

I earn it all with each painful step

I can't complain about anything that is happening

It brings people joy to know I hurt too

I gave it like a bad man

I take it like a man, sadly but that's the way it goes

I think about my silent life

So quiet and unassuming

I don't hear anything or say very much

Just trying to make it to the next day

There's not much left for me to do

There's really nothing worthwhile I can do

Each day is a struggle to find my purpose

Each day I wonder if it will be my last

looking out I can't see much left

Living the days as if on borrowed time

I will go where the wind takes me

Don't really care where I go

There are so many things that have left my side

Some really good and some not so important

I've lost a family and a happy home

The biggest and best parts of me, gone for good

Unfortunately I lost my faith

Rain Go Away

 For whatever reason the overcast weather is depressing

It instantly puts me in a darker mood than normal

Hard to motivate and get started

I wait for the sunshine that never came

As a southern Californian we expect great weather

350 days out of the year we have it

It's expensive to live here and never going down

We pay the weather tax which nobody complains about

The body hurts more than normal

The mood a little bit negative

The weather really can change your frame of mind

It's a couple days out of the year, I'll be fine

Tomorrows forecast is 85% chance of rain

I'll need to sneak out and get to the gym

Keep a good thought and stay indoors

We'll hope for sunshine eventually

Day Off

It's Sunday night and not much to think about

Times like this when thoughts are abundant

I talk myself down from digging in deep

I need a restful night not and not another headache

Today was a good day  

I was a day to accomplish a few things and sleep in a bit

There was some bad TV on, I didn't care

I told myself to be happy and not look back

So I'm listening to myself

Walking away from an internal conflict

Shying away from a good mental hopscotch

I will ungracefully walk away

It's a great night to read or write

Most times I would think

Today is different for me now

I'm taking a day off from my life

It's Ugly Inside Today

 A very dreary and wet Saturday today

Very odd for Southern California 

But it is wet and ugly out

But it's the mood I'm holding onto today

I usually enjoy the rains

But I know too much ruins homes and lives

I was headed for a picture taking trip northward today

But I'm stuck here at the beach people watching

Surfers are out waves are good

Looks like a lot of fun

Sitting in my car now  no music just thoughts 

Where my head is going and why

I really need to start looking forward

Looking back brings me sadness and shame

Things could be different if not better

But I won't ever know what could have been 

On one hand I'm apologetic and remorseful

On my other I try not to give 2 shits

There is pain still floating in the air

In my mind I want to talk about and share this pain

I can't change the way people feel 

There nothing I do that will make them care

I realize most aren't as forgiving as me

Most aren't nearly as strong

It takes a lot to forgive someone 

You swallow pride, ego of yourself

It was easy for me to forgive my past

It's impossible to forgive myself 

Why should I care about those who don't care about me

Why put forth efforts that are wasted energy 

Because I'm bigger than the pettiness they hold onto

I've had to let it go to continue to move on in this life

Afraid To Live

 So afraid to break something

A person, an object anything and everything

I don't want to get too close

Very afraid I'll knock something over

My emotions run alongside of my mind and body

So afraid to fail again

Too afraid to fall on my face

My daily routine has become very routine

The fears I feel are like never before

I don't want to meet people, I don't like them

Assuming they are all horrible people like Me

I stay away from most old and anything new

My knowledge of firsthand pain

Makes me gun shy and very timid

This side of me is so foreign to me

I walk away from opportunities to hurt anymore

My plans to get out and take a trip

To the beach and mountains to take some pictures

A trip to see Brandon and my grandsons 

I miss my boys even if I wasn't a good father

My thoughts take me to a better time

When I was loved, admired and taken care of

When I lost all of that I now realized

I was never deserving and I'm better off without it all

In being honest with myself I could never go back

So afraid to break it all again

I'm weak, I'm broken and don't care about shit

I just want to go away!

The Fight

I have been all over the place lately

Mentally and physically checked out from reality

It's so easy for me to throw a pity party

It's so easy to rebound and say WTF

What happens to the strong man

Once called the rock and pillar of security

I was helping others fight their battles

Here at home I'm losing my own

It is very true my body hurts 

My mind is wounded beyond recognition

In my mind I have ended my life

In my reality I'm not made like that

Nobody truly knows the pains I feel

To get up it takes a momentous effort

It hurts like hell to get out of bed

But It's surprisingly better than it was

I'm never complained about my pains and ills

Always taught myself to fix shit and forget it

Sometimes being the badass doesn't get it done

But being a Pussy is never going to be an option here

This past 12 months has taught me many things

I've learned I'm not the man I thought I was

People cannot be trusted and can be full of shit!

I lost my wife but never my amazing family

The days move forward along with my fight

To fix what's broken both Mind and body

There are no guarantees but the fight I'm in

A challenge is in front of me and I'm walking towards it

So I make my Appointments and take my meds

Go do my workouts and get stronger each day

My nerves aren't firing, and my muscles don't fully function

But I'm doing things I couldn't do 12 months ago

As I said goodbye to Terria and my home

My beautiful Puppy Drew and my kids

So much loss almost broke me forever

I thought of my heroic dad and his 3 1/2 years as a POW

There are days when I stand still

Frozen by the hurt and what I called life

It was wonderful and so full of goodness

I don't ask for anything but the ability to continue this fight

I must say goodbye to my broken past

Looking forward to an unknown future

I can't look to my God we have both failed each other

I don't need any help, just somebody who says I can't or won't

 

Fighting The Pain

Not physically feeling very good today

A Trip to the gym should set me up right

I really hate to feel so bad

I know it's temporary and partly mental

I carry my world on my broken shoulders

Wavering balance and gentle strides

It doesn't seem to be getting better

I'm emotionally defeated but keep on fighting

A lunchtime visit for a quick workout

Set my mind free from feeling the pains

Something positive created

Negativity must be left behind

I sometimes wonder what's the point

I don't always feel positive results

Sometimes I just want to leave

Quit the shit and rot and die

I have allowed my pains to take me over

Thinking about a normal day

I have gone 20 plus years of carrying this pain

Now I carry it alone and it's heavier than before

Reality has set in now

I won't get better just become a burden

I fight and struggle and am beginning to tire!

I just don't know how much longer I'll care to fight

Angry

 Why am I so angry

Very disgruntled with so many things

People are dogshit

And their opinions smell bad too

I've been judged, prosecuted and put away

I've been given a shitty heart

I inherited a broken body

Thank God my brain works and my sarcasm is high

Why am I angry?

I try to decide am I angry with myself or my surroundings

My past and present don't make me so happy

But it's the place where I've fallen into

I reside in the place of purgatory

Neither here nor there

Just trying to regulate the emotions

Not too high or low.....good luck

Am I angry in the things I've created

Do the things that happen without my help

Am I responsible for my anger

Should I blame it on someone else?...NO

Every day is a battle cry

Testing my patience and resolve

I'm angry at the world and don't know why

I can't fix the things I didn't break

I trust in myself to temper this fury

I can't fix it all not even myself

The broken pieces of a man's life

Will never be repaired with an angry mind

My Belief

 I feel we are all capable of great things

Love and kindness are free and available

What makes us not believe and not care

A series of unanswered questions is a starting point

How can Christians promote the devil

Seems like the antithesis of right and wrong

When do we bow down to another man

With no much hatred in his eyes

I used to be a spiritual man

Read the bible many times

I was disappointed in what I read 

So much anger and violence

Over the years my views have changed

Once and staunch Christian

Then a staunch Atheist

9-11 and world hunger made me think too much

Where is our God to lend a hand

To teach and instruct how to live a better life

People are still hungry, wars still rage

There has been no human progress since the beginning of time

My views have hardened as the world goes on

I have always tried to see the good in everything

It's so hard to teach our kids

Their phones and Social Media are doing it for us

So I asked myself of this crumbling world

Who can we turn to for a guiding hand

Our Pastors or Politicians would they know

They are too busy making a Buck

I tried to believe in the greater source 

I devoted my thoughts if not my actions

I tried to be the ear, the shoulder the helping hand

Even when I was taking something away

My faith has diminished and made me angry

I tried to live the life of the Golden Rule

It was never equitable from the start

I could never find a livable balance

My compromised faith and diminished life

I have failed to appreciate the gifts I've received

Doesn't seem fair to have so much

While the homeless search for a place to spend the night

So I must ask our God

Where have you been?

So many have everything, others have nothing but misery

I hope someday you can even the score

Today my beliefs are of disbelief

I'm sad and angry with what we have become

I try to believe there is a God

He's either too busy or not powerful enough for the job

 

Fear, Fuck-ups and Mortality

 What do I fear the most?

I'm really not afraid of anything tangent

I used to think about death and dying

Now I honestly look forward to it

Not going out by choice or by gunshot

Just don't care much about life or missing anything

I just went through the toughest year of my life

Who wants to deal with shit like that 

I did fear not living life to it's best standards

I never wanted to miss out on anything

 Never wanted to  say coulda, woulda, shoulda

So I did it and lived with many regrets

These regrets in the end were manageable

Some worth the risk, others sheer stupidity

Riding a motorcycle over 100 mph in a sweeping turn was worth the risk

Being a bad person and infidelity are my low points

The more I talk of my past

I learn more about what I didn't do right

Plenty of thoughtless mistakes and hurt feelings

At least I was funny so that was a thing

Thinking about this life

Nowhere near where I wanted to be

Physically, emotionally and spiritually devoid of meaning or purpose

My thoughts of kids, Grandkids are just thoughts

This world is a cruel place

Everyone desensitized knowing right from wrong

Social media is King and Free thought is a Ribeye Steak

Dead and rare theses days

I hope I don't quit on my thoughts

I surely don't want to quit on anyone who gives a shit 

It's hard to be perfect so I bow out immediately

Being a Fuck up is very unrewarding but so damn easy

As I count the people who have abandoned me 

I think of those whom I have walked away

No second chances just abrupt justice

Get the fuck out you're no good to me

Come back when you're perfect

Where the efforts to do so is a waste of time

The rewards to be perfect in an imperfect world

Defeat the purpose for being alive

I've lost so much

I've left so much on the table

Everything I've had or done

Has never seemed to be good enough to hold onto

I fumbled away too many things 

Lost things that at one time meant something I suppose

I don't feel any poorer or richer just different

Adjusting to misgivings real or perceived

Each morning brings a new surprise and opportunity

To fulfill a promise if it matters at all

Do I ask my God to save me 

Do I tell him he's doing a poor job?

I feel betrayed for many reasons

I've betrayed myself too many times

My God has an odd plan for me

I should have died twice in my lifetime

But instead I live a fraction of the man I was

Broken physically, spiritually trying to believe

I've been let down and betrayed too many times

For me to truly believe anymore

Failed marriages, friendships and parenting speak volumes

Too loud for me to understand clearly

The answers will hopefully come sooner than later

I'm not expecting much in return

Lonely Ride

 I don't have dreams anymore

I just can't dream anymore

I sleep and don't weep anymore

My efforts to block off my sad past

I have many conversations alone

Sing a song to bring me joy

Fill up the tank and take a drive

Where I'm going I never know

I drive by my old street

Thinking if anyone is home

I have yet to make that turn down Simon Way

So I drive on by and say I did

I talk to an old friend

She tells me that clarity is coming soon

She should know she was my first ex wife

Now she's a sounding board of reason

So much of what she tells me is true

I just don't want to believe it

I have built theses walls that border rational thinking

So close but yet so high to reach

I lost my best friend and my wonderful wife

Our conversations that never ended

We spent hours on the phone at our start

Now I don't exist and won't be heard

This feeling of lost hope

To hear a voice that says hello

How aere you feeling , how have you been

The few words that I wish I'd hear

There are no grand delusions

Thoughts to make it right

The point of no return has come and gone

Still I wait by my phone to hear that voice

My common ground has sunken

Into the depths of a burning fear

I hate to think that I will live and die alone

When nobody knows or really cares

When Will Time Heal All

When words fall on deaf ears

Nobody will listen or hear what I want to say

I talk to walls and to people not there

At least I feel I'm communicating

Bitterness, grief and broken dreams

I think about this everyday

Once again I can only change today

Days gone by are just that, Gone

I wish there were a majestic way to handle this

Feelings overcome rationale at times

Closing our mind to simple solutions.

A simple conversation could do wonders I feel

So much outright anger

Too much time dwelling on the obvious

I want to be part of the healing process

Even if I am the cause of pain

I've had many things taken away from me

I've paid the price, must it be forever

I was good enough to give love and show love

Showed the kids right from wrong

What have I done for you lately, right!

I can't argue with that at all

You can penalize the wrong people 

By over-penalizing the faulty one

I don't want to be forgotten

I was loved and adored for all of the right reasons

My mistakes in life were not a result of not loving enough

They were the fact that I didn't love myself enough, still don't

When I wipe the blood and the tears from my body

I see a catastrophic accident standing in front of me

People can walk away from this accident

People can stop , roll up the sleeves and try to help me clean it up

One At A Time

 Funny thing about life

It comes with no guarantees, there are no returns

We are dealt issues as they choose to arrive

We have no say or recourse

Sometimes we are overwhelmed by numerous problems

We should pick and choose which one to fight

We generally try to deal with them all

And we will lose that fight

So here I stand in a conundrum

Life is rearing its' uglier side

Throwing me a load near my capacity

So I analyze and try to prioritize

My mind, heart and body

Strewn across the road to somewhere

I feel answers to every issue

Not sure where I should start and how to proceed

My heart hurts from lost love

It's also broken because internally it's deficient

My body aches from too many crashes

Everything hurts you can see it in my stride

My son has his own pressures

I'm his dad I'm supposed to have answers

I worry about him and my grandsons

I hope I can help him through it somehow

So I'm trying to get my head straight from my divorce

Each day was to get better but it's not

I've fallen back and lost some traction

Matters of the heart will heal when they choose

My body hurts but I do my part

My healing from my accident has been too slow

Every day I rehab at the gym

Everyday I try to think positively

Now my boy has troubles of his own

I'm trying to be supportive from miles away

So as his father I will be concerned

Doing whatever I can to help my boy

I'm not overwhelmed but my mind is full

Different feelings and so much yet to be determined

I try to deal with one issue at a time

It's so hard when the heart, mind and body are trying to decide 

My Big Sister

 Today is a special day

A very special person in my life

She was born on this day 69 years ago

She is my wonderful older sister

April has a been a true gift to the world

Blessed with a selfless soul

She is everything to everybody

Her siblings, nieces, nephews, husband and friends

She raised me when I was a child

She was a child at the time herself

Both parents worked long hours

April sacrificed her childhood and helped raise us right

AS I grew older I realized

She was my mother figure along with our own

When I got in trouble at school not following rules

I feared what she would say and hated to disappoint

I remember the day she told me Tim had proposed to her

I didn't like it, I didn't want to share her

I got over it pretty quickly

Tim is a helluva guy

The years have passed and things never change

She helped raise all of our kids 

She took care of our aging mother

She gave and gave and never asked for anything

I've been blessed with incredible people in my life

Nurturers, surrounded by love and affection

Big sister April is at the head of the class

She gave and continues to do so

Wishing you the best of birthdays today

I would be lost without your care and concern

You are the best big sister

An incredible human being!

Love you, 

 Greg

I Still Think Of You

 So many thoughts invade my days

I think about good things and some misfortune

By days end I'm mentally exhausted

So I send myself to bed

My nights are so different than my days

I slow down the process

But the process never ends

I don''t dream anymore, I think myself to sleep

I think about hitting a Baseball

Listening to my favorite music

Having conversations with people who have come and gone

Constant companionship without speaking out loud

I recall the 100's of concerts I've attended

Baseball games all across the country

I think about singing and hitting a Baseball very hard

I wish I wish, I wanted to be either when I grew up

Now that I'm older and never truly grew up

I follow my Baseball Dodgers and I sing along to my favorite tunes

It's as close as I get to being there for real

It is close enough for me

All of my passions were shared with my children and wives

They enjoyed watching me enjoy myself

Selfless human being I was blessed to have in my life

Gone today but never forgotten, forever admired

A song came on Youtube tonight

"I still think of you and all the shit you put me through"

"You made pain your lover, infidelity not discreet"(group MS. MR.)

I wonder if she thinks of me?

Coping Not Hoping

As I reflect on my lost past

My thoughts and memories stored away 

I lost my wife a year ago

I let my favorite chair go today

Not so much losing my wife

She lost me and very quickly

Wasted no time on the proceedings

I'm glad she did she saved her soul

I don't think about wanting it all back

I can't comprehend being in this position

The emptiness I feel for being a hurtful husband 

At times makes me angry and toxic 

I take a drive to nowhere

To put my mind in a better place

The waves crash hard on the rocky shore

The surfers paradise is just that

I can't run or hide from my emotions

The blame game serves me no purpose

The end result took care of itself

Now I must take care of ME

As they took away my chair today

Something better to replace its' space

The gifts and the goodness that brought her to me

These incredible memories stay inside 

She can't forgive, I won't forget

Everything that was whole in my life

Not that it matters to her anymore

But I'm thankful that she was my wife

I Cried! (My Chair)

 Roughly 15 years ago I had a horrible motorcycle accident

Crashed on a route I knew very well

Conditions were perfect but my tires Weren't

I went out and rode hard on worn tires

As a result, I spent 11 days in the hospital 

I was internally bleeding, and they couldn't operate

4 Blood transfusions and some platelets

Helped my body heal itself

The healing time at home was slow

I couldn't get in a good position and had trouble sleeping

My wife at the time went out and bought me a burgundy lazy boy

This was great and allowed me to get in a good position

I had since had a serious bicycle accident requiring surgery

I recovered on this chair as well and it did its' job again

Many, many miles of use 

Many good and bad memories as well

They took my chair away today

Making room for my new adjustable bed

As I watched them load it up

I felt a sadness inside that I can't describe

It reminded me of all the injuries I healed from

The great conversations my wife and I have had

Hours of sports and TV

The occasional meal or snack which stained my chair

The chair brings back memories of my wife

She was so good to me through good and bad

Thoughtful and loving and giving of herself

She bought me another one years later which I sit in now

The truck drove away with my old chair in tow

I cried and am still crying it hurts to let go

The chair symbolizes healing and love

I let them both go and it kills me inside

My chair represented so much of my past

My wonderful wife and my memories of her

It hurts to make mistakes in life and lose 

I've lost my wife and they took my chair

This Hurts

 Feeling a bit confused today

A little overwhelmed

I'm trying to comprehend

Why people act like they do

Everywhere I look, I see unhappiness

Anger and disillusionment with the day to day

Stress wears us all to the breaking point

We all need a therapist, but I'll pass

There is hurt all around

A lack of empathy and nobody cares

The ME generation has taken hold

And won't allow the goodness to sink on in

I have felt, or dealt the things I speak of

I've hurt and destroyed and apparently didn't care

No one's coming or calling on the Phone

My hopes were damaged so I'll sleep alone

Nobody cares I know that now

I had thought you were better than that

The simple things you've made so hard

The walls surround an open mind

I feel the cool breeze of bitterness

I'm very sad that it still rides with you

I shall leave you alone as you have to me

I have so much to say on deaf ears

I'm trying hard to see what you see

I have already felt what you're feeling

There will come a time when I've been replaced

Then maybe the healing can begin

I continually dwell on this lack of caring

You were hurt and I'm dying a very slow painful death

The pain I. constantly feel in my body

I take each painful step with the thought of not falling

The pains and stresses of my body and life

My worries for my boys, their happiness

I must hold onto the goodness I still have left

This world is all new to me and I'll wonder how

My Game

 I drove by the local school today

There were kids on the Baseball field playing

I glanced in their direction with admiration

The game I loved to play

I taught my sons how to play

Taught the fundamentals and how to catch and throw

Hitting was the hardest to teach

Bucket of balls and a trip to the park

My oldest boy had a bat in his hands at 2 1/2 years

My younger boys picked it up and played locally

They enjoyed it and we continued to work at it

Eventually they founds Girls and Football

Raising boys in my sports world

May have been unfair

My passion for the game was intense

They didn't share the same enthusiasm

As a grandparent I'm over the teaching phase

So I watch my beloved Dodgers and enjoy every pitch

I don't go to games anymore

But I watch them and remember when!

Then And Now

I met a friend many years ago

We talked, we wrote we laughed a lot

We grew together before we grew apart

The future looked back at the past

We formed a union one Summer day

The end of the month as I recall

Our families , a few friends

35 of them total

We inherited the gifts of kids from each other

We helped them grow and raised them right

We struggled with outside negativity

But together we fought on through it all

Court visits and legal advise

We were fighting for things that should have been given

Some parents are far from that

Leave the kids to be taught right from wrong

The children grew and went on their own

Empty nesters we would become

We watched our kids learn about life

And bring lives into this world to bring us joy

So much to do and so much to see

The little one's gave us passion and desire

To live a new life filled with youth

We embraced it and treated them well

Life was amazing we were so close

We travelled and visited when we could

My Army boys and my boy

We had to move around to watch the kids grow

When the world falls apart

It comes in many pieces

I made a bad choice, I crashed my Bicycle

I was damaged inside and out

My physical pains still hurt me so

My emotional losses cannot be replaced

I'm not healed from my Bicycle crash

I will never heal from emotional scars given and received

My mobility has been severely compromised 

My mind and thoughts float away each day

I want to reach out and fix it all

But the water is down the stream

The darkest nights when I drive alone

My mind and heart fight for neutrality

I had it all before my biggest fall

I'd trade my broken legs for a wounded heart

Stuck in this room with a mindful of sorrow

The days ahead bring opportunities to prosper

To Fly away and take the plunge

Unencumbered not by my own design

Yes I've had it all and lost most of what mattered

I hold onto the threads of goodness

My 3 little boys will bring their youthful lives

And show me I have more than I've lost

Goodbye to tears and sorrow

Wake up to the warmth of a new beginning

Spread what goodness I have left in me

Stop waiting for the phone to ring

 

Moving Forward

 I received a stunning yet not unexpected message last night

A message from my 12 year old grand daughter

She has been using a journal to present her thoughts

I received a couple of her entries

I can't say how much of it was her or her parents

12-year-old little girls don't generally tell grandpa to FUCK OFF

Go to Hell was heard as well, I was stunned and amazed

Someone loves her grandma and really hates me

Too much was shared with this little girl

Told things that really should have never been shared

Grandma and Grandpa are no longer together

Leave it at that and be sad together

As I read her words, I felt her sadness

She lost her Papa and had nothing to do with it

I don't agree with the separation 

But I'm not the one to make those decisions

I can agree and disagree all I want to

My decisions created this unfortunate situation

I sift through the broken hearts and broken relationships

Knowing I can't fix this although I've tried

My little Girl who was my first Grand child

Deep in my heart she makes me hurt

My deep loss and disappointment in her eyes

Will follow me wherever I go

My saving grace that gives me hope

My two little ones from my other boy

I will bridge the distance between us 3 

I will give them all this Papa can give

Take It On

Another day goes by

Another set of tears fall to the wayside

I turned my music off on the way to the gym

I couldn't hear another one of those songs

I've grown from a year ago

I have realized there's no turning back

Forward to another place is where I am

Alone with my thoughts sometimes dark

The clouds don't always follow me

The sun shines bright more than I realize

So much of what I knew has been removed

And here I still stand with many options

I could be in a better place

Or a homeless man who has given up

I opt for the stay and fight

My daily regiment says everything for me

My spiritual side has broken through

My mental acuity Has plenty in the tank

I can see the tunnel and the light

I feel pretty good tonight

When I open the blinds in the morning

Will I see the light intended for me

Can I fight through another memorable tune

Will the pictures I see make me happy not sad

Tomorrow on the ride to the gym

I play the songs that made me cry

I listen and I sing along

Reminded those were happy times not sad

I have reached a fork in the road I've chosen

Staying the course and not veering away

I've got a limited stretch on this side

I'm not wasting my energy on yesterday

For all of my petty grievances and beliefs

I won't expect people to be who they can't be

Just accept my choices that I was a part of

And let the rest be who they want to be

 

A Life Better Lived

 I felt a tug in my chest tonight

Not a heart attack but a failure of some sort

A bitter sting that life can bring

Funny what you feel in the dark

I was looking at my photographs

Six years of memories

So many great snapshots

A few that made me cry

A picture can speak thousands of words

Some of mine were one word "SAD"

The joys at the time they were taken

Reflection to the realities they created

I feel that sadness in my heart tonight

I wiped away the tears and then wiped some more

I can hear the words and feel that touch

It's ok, it's ok to cry

My words float aimlessly as I talk to myself

My prayers from my thoughts as I feel you close

I have failed on many levels long before I failed you

These failures reflect my full potential

I can only hope that this feeling will pass

Not knowing your status and frame of mind

My biggest wish is your life is fulfilled

And that your life is better without me

This Is Me

 I have tried so hard to stay afloat

Stay up from the pitfalls I've created

Looking forward ,stop looking back

Yesterday will never come back

I find it hard to talk about

Betrayals and forgiveness never recognized

I can listen and hear and hear the words

They continue to bite real hard

A conversation I had tonight

I realize that I was absent and inconsiderate

I try to make it up but never reach the mark

Where sorry is not accepted as a viable answer

My shortcomings are openly exposed

Nothing more to hide from those who need to know

This tiny world which is now my home

I have so much to repair in a short time

Forgive me for my arrogance 

Thinking that I was never wrong

Double ignorance proves my point

I wandered aimlessly my entire life

Living in this bubble of reality

I can't escape its' harmful results

I make it up in ways that don't matter

It's the only thing I have anymore

My truth is escaping my lies

My life is meaningless unless I make a difference

I can give you everything I Have

But I still come up so short

I can now see the things so obvious

My evil ways and more evil thought

The way I lived this laughable Hoax

Fraudulent to those who chose to engage

A new day has come and nothing really changes

I seek out redemption that may never come

I try to move away from my vices of destruction

I hope a little and pray all night