Finding That Lost Potential

Watched a very good movie tonight, maybe the 6th or 7th time I've watched this particular movie, A cult classic dealing with lost potential and following your heart and soul and moving beyond the inner demons we all have and fight with on a daily basis. While watching this movie tonight, or even move back before the movie starts I searched through the Netflix catalog and came upon this gem and said to Terria, it's the perfect night for this movie, she agreed and we put on the movie and watched intently, or at least I did until my Terria fell asleep and left me to my own mindful ponderance with the movie in front of me, I realize that Ponderance is not a word and use it or my own reasons because it sounds better to make it up sometimes. So there , I said it Ponderance" move on to he movie!

The movie invoked allot of emotions in me and made me feel at one with most of the characters in the movie. I was in fact each player n this movie at one time in my life and it brought back a scene from work today when I was the mentor to a younger co-worker in offering up an opinion and my so -called elderly wisdom, a scene of lost loves and fear of failures, fear of success  and general fear of life itself. The parts of cocky insight and of witty banter made me smile and reminded me of my everyday when people laugh along with my sarcastic spewing and nonsense. There was also the friends and foes of the main character who all remind me of people  know and people that I had been at a given point in my life, anything for a laugh I always say. The heartbreak and the true essence of real sadness and disappointment along with being scared to death of the truth made this so real to me and tonight and was a real blast from the past for me at least, if not most people who are honest with themselves!

I see the lack of drive and real lack of reaching full potential on so many fronts, this I have come to grips with a long time ago and am ok with it all. Yeah I have a decent grasp on things and an above level of intelligence but somehow always seemed to self sabotage my existence into less than possible, this through counseling and many sessions on a therapist couch have me feeling less than deserving and able to deal with the realities of keeping a complex mind very simple and less dramatic and carefree. My ultra realistic side of me does not allow me to stray too far from the truth, the failures and shortcomings are in my realm of understanding and I have grown to accept the fact that I am very flawed but still am a functioning fuck up so to speak. All good and in reference to the movie I see the lack of understanding for those of us who are different in some aspects of our life and though process, who can understand if we have yet to understand ourselves?  It's no mystery but being alone on an island is where I can sometimes reside, emotionally, spiritually and physically can remove myself from the playing field only to return and be here again, but why go away in the first place ? Therapy is a construction site still unfinished and will continue to be so for a while yet, not mad or unhappy about the fact , just really wondering why it took me so long to realize allot of what  see as common place today and where and why was I hiding it all under that mask of having it all together.Every day is a project for me I guess, So  do know what Mr Hunting was feeling throughout the movie, afraid and scared  of looking and finding the flaws and having to go in and fix them all, know all too well that this project would not be an overnighter. The movie " Good Will Hunting" with Matt Damon, Ben Afflec and Robin Williams, a classic and one that forever reminds me of who we all are, a mere shadow of who we are and can be!

So Bad - Detroit in Ruins

THE most intriguing ,yet disgusting thing I've seen in a long time. After visiting Detroit this Summer and truly having my eyes opened with it's total ruinous condition and lackluster care and concern for it's appearance. I have made it a high priority to re-visit this city and see the most run down parts of the city and see most everything on this video for myself. will also re visit the part of the city that housed the old Tiger Stadium which I did not see when we were there, visit the field still in tact minus the surrounding stadium which was torn down. This City of Detroit has captured my heart for some reason, to know that this was once a great city and it now a real true Ghetto that seems more like Beirut than a real American city. The sad yet intriguing part of it all is that I want to see it all again. A must watch video with so many others on youtube that totally show what this place has become. When you see shut down libraries that still have books on their shelves, or police station with mug shots and files, classrooms with material still in the classrooms, but the most strange to me is the assembly line of vintage 1980-90's vehicles still on the assembly line un finished and left partially assembled...Amazing

Happy Birthday Terria Lynn Duran...Love You Sweet Woman O'mine

 A slight touch up of this site again as I get tired of looking at the same boorish look after a few months time, even if /I have not been writing as much I have the same picture In my head that makes it very clear to me that it is time for some new clothes for this place.Always a fan of Orange or bright colors in general this should do for a few months. Any way looking forward to a great day tomorrow as it is Terria's Birthday tomorrow, December 2, 1964 my sweetie was born to this cruel world and given to me some 35 years after the fact and here we are , ready to celebrate another day of goodness together.

As I contemplated gifts for her nothing came to mind immediately even asked her what she wanted and her customary low key, Nothing, nothing at all! Well I almost fell into that trap but chose to fore go her wishes and get her a few cool things that I know she will like and use, and the color pink to boot so she should be happy with it. Either way i ca take the stuff back if She doesn't like it  and try something else. Tomorrow she did ask for her usual Scallops dinner that i have prepared for her the past few years and tomorrow will be not unlike previous years,  she will get her giant Scallops, i hope giant one's anyway, I will search in the morning for a good batch and also some Jumbo Shrimp and some Tuna and some really good Rice to make as a side dish, baking her a small cake and finish up with one more gift as well.

Lastly trying to get Terria to commit on either Breakfast before work or meeting her for lunch tomorrow, no word as of yet but should be a good one either way.  Kind f hoping for a 6 am breakfast so that will free me up for the rest of the day to finish up my progress to make her day a great one from all of her loved ones, especially her loving husband. Just got word that breakfast won out and cafe 126 it is! So sounds like a fulfilling and early day for us all. Must finish up here and get ready for the morning. Great days  for sure!

Oh, and just got word that April and Tim are taking us to the Cardinals Browns game in Arizona on the 18th for the Browns and Cards football game, Terria's favorite team and player Larry Fitzgerald and former Rio Mesa Grad Scott Fujita playing Linebacker for the Browns so it will be a good day for us all! Goodnight !

Personal Check Up

Once a week around here seems to be the going frequency of my visits here, although not crazy busy my thoughts and writing have essentially been put on the shelf for some reason. Don't know why but the urge to write has been lacking and it's time to look for the reasons why that I have been vacant from the site I call my home.  The daily grind is far from that, the workdays are a joke and nothing really taxing on the mind or body but getting back to my days and how I live and breathe each one with total glee and ease!

My minds ever changing moods, sounds like a style council song because it is! There are many things that are going on as we speak, the boys, the boys and the boys, all are in different places emotionally, and geographically so the thoughts as a parent are never ending, the moods are what they are and are generally in a good place but there are days when I keep it real and get a little snippy at either myself ,or the stupidity of the world around me. Be what it may I rebound and reconsider all the journeys in my life and realize that this is a gravy train and in comparison to others tattered lives I'm n a special place. Doesn't take long for me to face the realities of this, I can look to my co-workers or some of my friends and realize that they do not have what I have, or the means to get through the emotional wraps that life deals to us all each day. Yeah the world which we live in can be cruel, but the thoughts of where I could be are frightening and bring the truths of my goodness all home to me.

A snapshot of the past year is a very sharp and vivid portrayal of the way things should proceed as I see it. The faith and spirituality that I share with my loved ones is a very private and special gift to me not one which is grandstanded and overtly shared with the world. Conventional wisdom says to share that gift with the world and let everybody know that you are Tim Tebow and you live and breathe Jesus and that is not me, I'd rather be a good person and not talk so much about how good I am and hope that Jesus is watching... Not Me, You won't be getting hit with any Bibles here today from me, but you will get a person who loves and cares and shows that goodness comes from people, not beliefs in doing good things! Enough about that shit and back to the realities of living and life!

As I look around these days I see so much unhappiness, the things in life that we take for granted are the gifts of life itself and so many of us look outside that realm of goodness and want and expect so much more out of life. What would make most people happiest? Money and things all which are the roots of most evil in this world, when was having enough to survive upon good enough, driving incredible cars and living in ridiculous houses seems to be the ongoing dream. While most never come close to this world of make believe it seems to drive  many to feel the inadequacies of what they are and what they have which forever seem to pale in comparison to their lifes' ambitions of having all of the aforementioned stuff. I have come to appreciate the good things that i have and share with those that matter ,I cannot change who I am but refine who I  am and for this the ongoing project Greg will continue on and keep me going and growing in a direction that takes me further towards where I want and need to be as a person, Husband, Father and friend to all! Well back to the laundry and folding and putting my crap away and ready for the workweek that ensues. Good Night!

Touching First Base Again

A real quick pass by to check in on myself to see what I'm doing, not much in the way of a weekend, inclement weather and dreary moods made it a stay at home weekend and that's ok at times. Ready for a short workweek and all is good at work, ready for Morales in the morning and a Thanksgiving of the quiet nature is going to be really nice for sure.  I'm hoping to be more of a writer and less introspective and write a little more , read a little , workout a little harder and see what the days ahead bring me. As for now it's ready for the days ahead and work tomorrow, but now it's time for bed and sleep, 7am comes early these days and the cold makes it harder to want to get up every morning, but we do!

What Does Friday have For ME?

Tomorrow I am off from work and really wonder how productive I am going to be if at all productive! I assume that the gym is the only non variable in a day chocked full of what if's and maybe's. So let us assume that the gym will be completed by noon and then assume that slumber will wake me up around 9 and dick around with coffee and then decide to get motivated for the gym.Once there I am fine and have  my hour 30 minute of 108 sets of lifting at a real quick pace to look forward to, then the tired waddle form the gym to a hot spot for breakfast, maybe even a splash in the jacuzzi before deciding on what to eat for breakfast, leaning on a home cooked something or other meal but that's always subject to change in a blink of the eye. Whatever comes about it's a day off and maybe get some rain tomorrow to dampen things a bit, or as I like to think, freshen up the stink!

Another workweek down and nearer to the holiday season we get, the season will be here in a few weeks and families getting together to eat too much and drink too much is about to begin. The common thread is getting together and that's the good part of the holiday where families are side by side doing what they do best, driving each other crazy and wishing we were all somewhere else. To be honest the Holidays are a sore subject with me since my father passed away in 1984, having to overcome that void had taken me 10 years or so , and now the holidays are times where we tolerate family and traffic all in the name of something we know very little about...God! Well that and my oldest Son's birthday on 25 December. A blessing on a special day!

Not much planned for the weekend but time to relax and maybe shop and buy something, maybe the new MAcbook PRo  for Terria and some gym shoes or pool shoes for me to use at the gym, whatever it is it will be a good thing, love to shop for nice stuff and groceries when I'm hungry which I know is a real no no  and gets done by yours truly constantly, hence the 100 dollar plus Smart and Final runs for dog food and bread right the voila, $100 bones spent on whatever. So life is good and humanity is average and people seem to be a slow and ridiculous as they always tend to be. Just working around them all and hope that they do not rub off on me anytime soon. Well it's Becker time and time to DVD it up with one of my favorite shows ever, sleep in and watch Terria get ready in the morning and fall back into a light slumber for a day with few or no plans awaits me in the morning...Goodnight

A quick Week

A Very productive week so far, the Morales appointment went really well  and the work week is coming to a close for me tomorrow. I am really astounded at the fact that the year of 2011 is already into the 11th month at the blink of an eye, or so it has seemed to us after just starting a year not that long ago. So many things have come and gone this year and really plenty of water under the bridge that we can reflect upon and hope to have answers to. The kids and their issues, the fact that we as parents must sit back and accept the choices they have made as their own and hope that they remedy these wrong choices and grow from them. The thoughts and worries of my Son Braz being in the war zone, the thoughts of my son Ty being in Missouri seemingly self destructing and wandering aimlessly for no apparent reason at all, but to be young and clueless at times s part of the passing of the proverbial Life's baton, sit back and hope that the boys can live and learn and reap the benefits that experience brings us all.