Watched a very good movie tonight, maybe the 6th or 7th time I've watched this particular movie, A cult classic dealing with lost potential and following your heart and soul and moving beyond the inner demons we all have and fight with on a daily basis. While watching this movie tonight, or even move back before the movie starts I searched through the Netflix catalog and came upon this gem and said to Terria, it's the perfect night for this movie, she agreed and we put on the movie and watched intently, or at least I did until my Terria fell asleep and left me to my own mindful ponderance with the movie in front of me, I realize that Ponderance is not a word and use it or my own reasons because it sounds better to make it up sometimes. So there , I said it Ponderance" move on to he movie!
The movie invoked allot of emotions in me and made me feel at one with most of the characters in the movie. I was in fact each player n this movie at one time in my life and it brought back a scene from work today when I was the mentor to a younger co-worker in offering up an opinion and my so -called elderly wisdom, a scene of lost loves and fear of failures, fear of success and general fear of life itself. The parts of cocky insight and of witty banter made me smile and reminded me of my everyday when people laugh along with my sarcastic spewing and nonsense. There was also the friends and foes of the main character who all remind me of people know and people that I had been at a given point in my life, anything for a laugh I always say. The heartbreak and the true essence of real sadness and disappointment along with being scared to death of the truth made this so real to me and tonight and was a real blast from the past for me at least, if not most people who are honest with themselves!
I see the lack of drive and real lack of reaching full potential on so many fronts, this I have come to grips with a long time ago and am ok with it all. Yeah I have a decent grasp on things and an above level of intelligence but somehow always seemed to self sabotage my existence into less than possible, this through counseling and many sessions on a therapist couch have me feeling less than deserving and able to deal with the realities of keeping a complex mind very simple and less dramatic and carefree. My ultra realistic side of me does not allow me to stray too far from the truth, the failures and shortcomings are in my realm of understanding and I have grown to accept the fact that I am very flawed but still am a functioning fuck up so to speak. All good and in reference to the movie I see the lack of understanding for those of us who are different in some aspects of our life and though process, who can understand if we have yet to understand ourselves? It's no mystery but being alone on an island is where I can sometimes reside, emotionally, spiritually and physically can remove myself from the playing field only to return and be here again, but why go away in the first place ? Therapy is a construction site still unfinished and will continue to be so for a while yet, not mad or unhappy about the fact , just really wondering why it took me so long to realize allot of what see as common place today and where and why was I hiding it all under that mask of having it all together.Every day is a project for me I guess, So do know what Mr Hunting was feeling throughout the movie, afraid and scared of looking and finding the flaws and having to go in and fix them all, know all too well that this project would not be an overnighter. The movie " Good Will Hunting" with Matt Damon, Ben Afflec and Robin Williams, a classic and one that forever reminds me of who we all are, a mere shadow of who we are and can be!
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