Save a Prayer

The song that I was listening to when i heard of my dad's passing away. I loved that song and it always made me go into Greg mode, thought and contemplation and forever beating something to death until its' resolution. I took dads death very hard and I still think about him everyday and every time i drive by El Rio Little League. I see him on the sidelines watching his star pitcher on the Angels striking guys out and hitting balls over the fence in to the lemon orchards. Yes, the good old days. i choose to remember these days as a 12 year old as they were times when dad was no longer drinking and was no longer a worrisome figure in my life. I hated my dad when he drank i hated the smell of the alcohol when he made hug and kiss him and i hated the way he treated my mother and us when he was drunk. When he stopped drinking I remember being able to become a kid again, being allowed not to have to wait til he got home from a drunken stupor until i was able to rest and go to sleep at night. Nice childhood to be a worrier at the age of 7-11 tears old. it sucked and the memory of it sucks even more as i was traumatized by the dysfunction in my mind. as a kid teaching myself to do ,or not do things as an adult based on the good and bad that was displayed in front of me everyday. As my therapist says, i raised myself emotionally! As an adult i don't allow the ones who love me to do so completely as i feel a sense of uneasiness at allowing them to do so, lack of self worth, or worthiness i guess but a disconnect someplace. So on my dads last day on this earth, i was supposed to be with him and was supposed to watch him die in front of me, i was too tired from being out the previous night and did not accompany him to Bobs Big boy that morning as i always did on Sunday mornings, i was too tired from the previous night to watch my fathers last breath!!!! I thank god for allowing me to miss that, i think i would have killed myself if i had witnessed my hero falling down in front of me. Dad would share prison camp stories, battlefield stories about WW2 in Corregidor Philippine islands and i would be riveted to his stories. My dad only 5-5 was a stone cold ass kicker and would kick the shit out of anybody who looked at him wrong, the toughest man i ever met. He would always tell me ,Son, don't worry about the guy who tells you he's gonna kick your ass, worry about the guy who takes off his jacket, and then his watch ,hands it to a friend and then clocks you into next week with out one word, my dad was taking off his sweater as he demonstrated this very manly trait! so i will write a little poem to my dad and hope that wherever he is , he can understand that he was loved, missed and has Grand kids that would adore and admire his giving nature... I love you Dad


You lived your life in disarray
no love, but hate
you grew from nothing
and had nothing left give
but you tried ,and tried again

The kids all loved you
we still do today
u gave strangers money for the pinball games
when they played with no ball in play

the corner market was our home
we laughed , we ate ,we even stole(Linda)
my time that i can remember
are the years that hurt the most

so i dig up my yesterdays
from ages 12 and beyond
you dropped your bottle
and became a man, and forgiveness moved forward

Dad i truly miss you
but your pains are all gone today
I wish i could share you with my boys
and my nieces, nephews and friends

you were so hard
yet your soft side shone thru
you hated the bills,or the thrill
but did it anyway and a sense of accomplishment

i remember the little green book
phone #'s and expenditures
I remember the mis-spelled words
the dollar figures for lunch

Hey dad i need a new pair of spikes
a new Rawlings would you please
you blinked an eye, got it done
and pissed my mother off

you always gave me the best
the others got hand me downs and seconds
I felt no guilt til adulthood
where the realities became just that

you tried so hard to be happy
but the war and bad marriages fucked you up
you were angry at the world
and bottled it up when you drank

On the day you left us all
I was supposed to be by your side
I was weary from a night out last night
and i will pass on breakfast that morning

what a blessing and the guilt
to know a friendly face was not with you
but had i been
I'd be scarred for life, if even around to feel the pain

your kids do remember
the goodness and the bad
we forgive but can never forget
the days when i wished i was dead

I hated the fighting and yelling
and vowed to never do the same
so I didn't ,nor do i
and never really drink

Richard was the star of us all
he still is and i feel so proud
so truthful and so righteous
I am blessed to call him my own

April was the pillar, amazingly so
the rock of her crumbled shell
She was my mom , and is my mom
and i owe her my life forever

Linda was the angelic one
head buried in the sand
she was my greatest nemesis
we always fought for more

Mother was a mother
but not really to me
her lack of warmth was passed on down
and i had my April to love me

My Terria is amazing
My dad would have loved her
he would have said, "Terria
you want to go get some coffee",
and there they would have went

So i listened to a trigger song
Duran Durans' "Save a prayer"
I takes me back to Jan 15 ,1984
and the pains keeps flowing through

My grave site wish to my father
was i wanted to go home with him
I was lost and needed closure
which i think this letter has done

I love my life and my Family
where my lord has brought me to
the life i live, is so much to give
to a man who has it all

reflection

looking in the rear view
I see the dirty window
I get out and wipe it down
and see reflections i dont like

Going far and riding fast
the mind has no time to stop
I resurrect and try to deflect
the realities with a laugh

My phones abuzz
the thoughts of us
I see your name appear
and when it wasn't u i waited for

The hurt and grief
longing and disbelief
I took a short fast ride
while the horse carriage waited outside

Re-visit and do not enjoy
retracing only to deploy
this lifes anchor of stagnation that i find
how these issues never leave my mind

A visit to an old friend yesterday
a kick in the ass and a heartfelt reminder
my pot of Gold I put aside
Is now my life and soul which i confide

the mirror in the bathroom
for more than combing my hair
I look deep into my own soul and heart
and a refelction that just Isn't right

for every tomorrow passes yesterday
the days grown better and feel less pain
The guilt be forbidden and a new day wins
yesterdays are over and my future begins

State Of My Being!

Things are really looking up and progressing forward in every aspect of life. My therapy and counsel is going remarkably well and has given me some tools and ways to deal with my past and to work onward and upward in my search for peace and tranquility in my life. Missing my wife and her strength of character and the nightly conversations that we share every night. My entire world that I had turned upside down a few months back has started to right itself and I am feeling better every day about myself and my life. The gym has become my best friend and has allowed me to be in better shape, mentally ,physically and spiritually. My life's journey is just that, a journey to many places, with my mind and soul so damn complex i sometimes find that a good poem ,or some sort of writing is a good way to catalog my emotions and to be able to have a base of knowledge for future times when the emotional swings aren't necessarily in My favor. But as life stands today my balance is great and I feel better than ever before. My depression of the crew breaking up has taken me awhile to get thru but it seems like we are making strides to re-unite and meet on occasion to see how everybody is doing. George and I are meeting on Tuesday at the cookery in woodland hills so that's a bonus for me. This weekend brings me a nephews birthday party and I will show face and see what is what? So I miss my Terria and look forward to her return on Saturday and regain normalcy again. The day is closing and I look forward to my visit to the gym after work and then an evening of nothing planned and no troubles on the horizon. I am a blessed man and need to realize that life is simple, I choose not to over complicate it with meaningless trauma. Thank God I can appreciate the differences and have the tools the avoid that which i despise!

Wounds Heal

I look back to a different day
so much further from where I am today
I see the light thru the tunnels door
I see my reflections and look away

I have punched myself for the last time
Put the gloves away and starting to heal
the wounds, the pains have endured time
the past was yesterday, today is mine

Sending love and giving thanks
my open heart and open doors
allowing goodness in my life
breaking the barriers as the tide rolls through

my demons peak has fallen down
the world surrounds my next move
compassionate and passionate
picking myself up and rising above

Holding onto a tethered pole
I cut the strings and and the maternal hold
a child in a broken pen
reliving the past once again

Once a week i see my friend
my future in my hands again
the knowledge and the tools i hold
If I blow this than I'll really know

Love is powerful and so bold
truth and understanding and someone to hold
seeking out the long lost flickers
acknowledgement and re-assurance

affirmation and contemplation
waiting for the sun to rise
questions in my mind i know
answers that time will show

I'm giving everything that i have
have more to give and can't fall short
look again in my mirrored walls
no room for failures and thoughtless falls

My voice will carry
my work will be done
The wounds and pains
will be in next weeks journal

Good Days!

The piecess of the frazzled puzzle are slowly being re-organized, placed and seperated according to their place in the fray. Today was very emblematic of how things have been going. The days and nights are very productive, idle hands and minds are generally not the norm so we are usually doing something, either talking or doing something productive and sharing the events as we once did. We passed our 9 year anniversary last week and look forward to our weekend trip to Seattle on the 16-18th of the month to celebrate out nuptuals and getting back to the city we both love so much. We lan on doing nothing but enjoying each other and sharing the growth experience of being together after the short vacation a way from each other. We speak nightly, daily all throughout each day of hwere we were and where we have progreesed to in just a short peiod of time. We speak of communication and trust and of allowing each other the chance to grow together by sharing and allowing one another into each others lives, thoughts and dreams of living the rest of our lives together as one. As therapy with Michael has shown me , it is ok to be a vulnerable person, a person who can reach out and ask for help and allow my wonderful wife a chance to give of herself and me to allow it to happen. Looking s foreward to the next meeting with Dr. Morales and cannot wait to reap the benefits of the work and tools that he has given bothe rTerria and I in assisting us forward to better things ahead a s a married couple and as individuals to strive and survive in a very tough world , where , life takes over and it is time to get busy living, before we start dying in our attepmts to o so. Things are egreat and getting better every minute .As I write this me and my wife are 3 feet apat and stop and laugha dn be stupid silly little kids becausewe can and will continue to do so. i love my life and i love my wife!