Where Am I now

It seems like years have passed me by
Love and life wrestle for position
I've lost a step, or lost my swagger altogether
I don't do much very well anymore
But what I do well, I do very well indeed!
Maybe it's the realization of aging
Could be I'm not the spry runner or cyclist I once was
Determined to go that extra distance for fitness sake
Today, My hip, my back and my knee are barking at me to slow down
I have no choice but to listen and ready an MRI
I have the strength to make it to the gym
I have the desire to jump on my bike
Each endeavor pushes at my will and character
Sometimes I want to give it all up!
I always think I could never give up
But age and reality tells me otherwise
So I fight the fight that we all must endure
I will be reminded of my bumps, scars and aches daily
Not an old man, just getting there
Youth all around to remind me what I used to be
today is a reality that I sometimes struggle to compete with.
Pity party notwithstanding, I'm a blessed soul with so many gifts given to me
It's a holiday everyday, a picnic ongoing and a world of love and life abounding!
So today I reflect on the past, look forward to the future and just try so hard!
Try hard to enjoy the moment , and the goodness in our world regardless of the bad around us
Cannot penetrate the walls of where I sit, where I live and breathe today.
I am very sore, very tired and very upset at myself for feeling all of these things
Yet my biggest dilemma today is what's for dinner
and do I ride the bike or go to the gym...tough life indeed!!!

Hello Me!

Hard to believe that a full year has gone by since my last post. I have lived a very charmed life and have grown so much in the past year , thinking about love and loss and kids , grandkids  and the loves in my life I call family. Going to breakfast with my family, To dinner with my wife and friends and always surrounded by love and life of positive energy. I try so very hard to figure out what I have done to deserve the people in my life, the love that I receive and positive thoughts my family and few friends always have for me. Her I stand the black sheep of this wonderful family, my wife the saint, my siblings are amazing human beings and the great memories of my parents and the lessons taught and learned along the way. I feel so very happy to be me these days, , age is not a factor yet but the body is starting to remind me that the days of old are long gone, the legs and feet are sore and hurt, yet I'm able to go to my workouts and ride my Bicycles at will the way a young person can and the way that I used to when I was much younger.


As I think about another school year starting up for the family, the newness of the year and the routine of old, everyday seems like a day that we should celebrate in it's entirety, believing that its a days closer to something better waiting to happen? That's an optimistic view of it at least and a view that I truly believe that I feel to be true. I am blessed for I don't have bad days, bad nights or too many bad thoughts, the world is so very small and the new world as it stands is so different than what I can believe in, so I don't , I try to take my own realities and hold onto the goodness of each one, Terria and the boys, the family and the in laws, brother and sister. Yeah  ,I do wonder how it all came to this and all came to me, sitting in my lap. Why me, why not somebody else, the self-proclaimed asshole that still is, opinions and ideas, louds thoughts and vulgar remarks, non PC in a Wanna be PC world. Anything for humor right ? so I laugh , make people laugh, it's soothing to me , to laugh aloud, laugh at myself first, then pay it forward t the world waiting to be humiliated. "no Greg, you're not an asshole, you're a good person" I don't have a week to dispute that so I wont. As Popeye says "I am what I am "


It's a 3 day weekend for me and will do my gym, my rides, my breakfasts and lunch dates with wife and family and surround myself with the small crew that makes my life credible. Living and working where I do  I hear the stories of lost loves, broken hearts and families. Sick pets and drunken stupors abounding! I can't help but feel bad for those who are in pain  but am defenseless to help  or be anything other than  an ear of compassion. When self medication is a bottle a pill or a bad decision away , my hands are tied here to assist, to be there and to be a better , husband, father, brother or friend. I guess it's hard to understand pains when I really have little personal experience to draw from to relate. So now that I have said hello to me again, and checked back in here, it may be awhile before I return , or could be back tomorrow????

An Observation

Enjoying the new bike, a nice departure from the daily gym visits and a freedom away from the same atmosphere every day. Not much going on here today , just another day in what most call paradise, I get to call my every day! Was feeling like reading and have 3 books to read, but have yet to crack them open in earnest and give them a whirl. Not sure why or how I have excluded them into my daily routine. will make a point to re-examine that this evening as I'm off tomorrow from a short work week and nothing to do, yet all day in which to do it. Hmmmm, what will I do, Gym , breakfast motorcycle ride, or the other way around and throw in a bicycle ride in between or afterwards? who know, no plans no  hurries or no concerns just a day free from work and restrictions.

Still think about mom on occasion, a lot to process sometimes, I hear her voice and feel her presence when I do certain things that I know made her laugh or get angry with me. When I open up the numerous picture of my granddaughters I think of my Mom, she was always so happy to see them or to see pictures of them and always made her smile...always!!!!!I haven't cried with my mom for a while now and when it comes it really comes, I catch myself thinking why am I crying, I'm not crying for her, I'm crying for me and how selfish is that? She doesn't want me to cry, she wants to be let go and let to spread her wings from pains and aches and distress that her body let her down and she was good with it all. so strong and so proud of her kids and grandkids that they have all forged their own place in this world. The gifts of love are all around and never take a  day off, we were and are blessed with eternal love and happiness that our mother taught us to embrace. We hold on tight to many things for the wrong reasons at time, this goodness that we hold onto is a lifelong journey that will never be let go. I am thankful for what I have in my life and all that share this goodness with me. I can look at today with gusto and look towards tomorrow with anticipation not angst. I'm a complex soul in a complex world with many simple moving parts around me. this I cannot control butI make the best of what situation will allow.

In looking around me I see so much that makes me happy, troubles me and even Stuns me at the enormity of it being so ridiculous,  not for shock values' sake but the mere fact that people ,laces and things are so important to so many when they should probably be an after thought. This game of follow the leader sensationalism is at times , hilarious, sad and trivial yet it takes over most mindset. We can Facebook this ,Instagram that ,text and call them all, snapchat me and draw attention to ourselves for all the trivial reasons that society deems newsworthy and important.  yet that picture of you and your Seattle based cup of coffee made to drink and satisfy is not the end all be all, does not change the world one bit, not even your own ,but maybe your view of your own self -importance in the grand scheme of things. May sound cynical but stupidity and wasted time and energy come at a price. You all give me so much entertainment and need to stop the show for intermission . Just my observation is all!  And how it got from there to here I will never know???

Motherly Strength!

A thought runs through my mind
Makes me wonder where it came from
A blur of memories cross the line
some are painful ,some are funny

I miss my Mom so much today
She promoted happiness and stood behind it
I hear the voice to bring in groceries
My childhood that never left me

Thanking mom for the lessons taught
appreciating discipline now that I'm grown
And comprehending my every day a little bit more
Losing her surely gives me perspective

This small house now seems so large
The history and stories grown in size
It's empty bedrooms tell great stories
where so much love was given freely

We miss our mom very much today
Tomorrow surely will feel the same
I hear her words and see her determination
Makes me afraid to fail her now

My siblings share what I feel
differently but still very similar
Our relationships were all so different
Yet the common denominator was Love and respect

My last thought was for God to take her away
And when he did, I wanted her back
The fickle mind tricks we make ourselves play
when we have no say in the end result

I know our purpose will be felt
Our mother taught us very well
To live full lives and "Be Nice To Everybody"
even if they aren't worthy of it all

Thank you mom for being You!
The strength, the lesson , the voice of righteousness
You gave so much of your self
now we can give it back and pay it forward

June 19,2015 6:16 pm.

The day was a long one for sure, I left work early because I needed to be with my momma on what is now known as her last day. My sorrow and empty feeling inside made me realize that it was here and it was here now for us all to embrace as reality.  As I arrived at the house I could sense the end was near and it was a feeling of multiple emotions, some were of sadness and of remorse, others were of relief and of finality to an end of pain and discomfort. As the day progressed and family and friends loomed around, we shared food and drinks and some laughs meanwhile my mother holding on to life fighting for each breath of air as we watched her chest rise and fall and repeat the process for the next 8 hours. Each of us stood vigil for a stint in her small bedroom adorned with family pictures and beanie babies! The hours grew later and we waited for My Son Brandon to arrive from work, he was done at 6 and was running a little late from a dead battery. The 6 pm alarm chimes on the family clock in the living room and does it's thing until completion. We are eating and drinking whatever we had to eat and drink and I look at the clock and it is now 6:15 pm as I see Brandon pass by as I look out to the street. one minute later at 6:16 I hear cries from the bedroom and conversations going on with my mother , she had left us and went to another world. Just then My son walks in and sees me stunned and with tears in my eyes "She's gone son" I tell him, he hugs me and we cry in each others arms for a few minutes. After the realization sets in we are all very tranquil, maybe a sense of peace has set in even amongst the sorrow and pain we gather to reflect the all of positives that just occurred, she can now soar in the Heavens, hang out with Dad and do whatever her body did not allow her to do , do it freely from here on and be at ease knowing her kids will be fine! I have such an mazing family support system from my siblings to my in-laws and my wife and kids that have given so much love throughout the entire process. Thank you To all that held our hands and gave us the needed love and attention during this very hard time in our lives, So much to say and so many thoughts still being processed as I speak. day to day they will come to fruition and be dealt with properly, God Bless you all.

Momma

When saying goodbye is not an option
Saying Hello has come and gone
I savor the moments of the days
When they will cease from existing

Memories are my words
thoughts are my sentences
A bitter sweet feeling inside
That doesn't always make much sense

I will carry this torch that eternally burns
Life's lessons and spiritual awareness
Living life by examples not words
Not passing judgment but extending a hand

Being different means opportunities
to grow and understand what life truly means
School was always in session
for the life's lessons were so well taught

As we await the passing of my mother
the sadness, gladness and often conflicting feelings
I won't say goodbye, or see you soon
But carry on the through life's lessons taught

How do you express your love
how can I say thank you Mom
how many wasted bitter years
that make so much sense today

This journey to another era
when anger and discontent was my friend
It means so much to me today
because I understand why it happened this way

Thanks again mom
for teaching me how to be a man
thank you for teaching me how to love
and allow others to love me back

God blessed us all with your love
your maternal gifts that we can now pay forward
Your work is done, now time for fun
Go rest and soothe your tired body

What Ever Happened To.......?

There was a time
When I could walk out outside
And be prepared to be dazzled, amazed or even overwhelmed
but now, All I see and feel is underachievement

There was a time when you could stop a kid
Have a conversation!
"How you doing kid???"
but today a blank stare looks up from an iPhone

It used to be, that respect was not a street term
Now it keeps you alive at a stop light
there was a time when you grumbled at kids noises
Now the silence is broken by War Games on the Xbox

I can vaguely remember looking out for kids while driving
Now I look out for Adults stumbling into the streets
Whatever happened to the Baseball game sin the street
Fantasy baseball has taken it's place

Trying to make some sense of it all
I wonder how this so- called evolving world
Has taken so many steps to the rear
that history repeating itself would be an upward move

The simple minded and self absorbed
The social media whores and Pimps
Look at me , hear me , see me at all costs
It's only interesting to them because they say they are

What ever happened to personality and character
Honesty and intrigue in our make up
digital clones never walking alone
But always in style and fashion

What ever happened to men being men
Skinny jeans and fashion statements
The girls all trying to be Paris and  Kim
Easy targets and no substance.

And when do the flood gates ever close
Idiocy and oversimplifications of a complex world
Should I tweet, Facebook or Snap it now
Because the world can't wait for one more stupid tweet