Malignant

 When I wake up to my surreal reality

Look around where Am I?

These walls don't look like my bedroom

Sterile surrounding and a beeping machine overhead

When I awaken I see the smiling face

I don't know her ,but she wants my blood

I oblige and feel the piercing of my skin

Where am I going anyway

As I try to escape my new reality

I feel sadness knowing they hurt more than I do

6 weeks in my sterile surroundings

Me and my plastic jugg, urination awaits

Staying busy with bad TV

Surviving with friendly Emails and text messages

you know who you are 

And I love you all for it

The days pass by quickly

Yet this time capsule of medical teams and resident students

Puzzled by my asymptomatic existence

What will they do, they don't know? 

Then SEPSIS visited me one Thursday night 

Literally thought I was over with

The reaper was staring at me

Yet I smiled and joked with the staff of many Doctors

Mr. Duran, we need to do a procedure on you right now

"Fuck Really" was my response

The trotted me into Operating room 

Did their thing , I'm in ICU now

New nurses , new everything, same disdain for my health

I could have died but I was still smiling

I knew my situation but It didn't concern me

I was ready to die, but didn't want to

Morning is here I'm feeling pretty good

Family arrives and cheers me up 

My texts from my other family made me smile

I ready to "Fight on"

The Hospital USC Keck Medical Center

So blessed to be in their halls

So much talent looking over me

Yet they didn't know what to do

Four weeks of indecision

I'm a case study for the books

After 4 weeks in various hospital 

They send me home and formulated a plan

I have cancer, they could not operate

Hearts week, blood pressure all over the place

Pissing like a race horse drinking beer

50 lbs of fluid out of my body

I am home at last waiting for the call

Operate or Chemotherapy

They opted for my choice, burn it down!

So off to Radiation Nation I go

Almost six weeks of chemo to look forward to

5 days a week for 6 weeks

I wanted this, I needed this

A direction was now in place

I rang the bell , 28 sessions of quick hell

The Prize Fighter I had to be

I said goodbye with chocolates and coffee cards

I had little to say but thank you all

Recuperation is where I am

Body is ridding the toxins slowly each day 

I'm feeling better with a purpose to survive

Life is more than being alive

So I end this long winded thought 

With another thought 

I have CANCER and I'm OK with it

Thank you all  for your LOVE AND SUPPORT

I am BLESSED, thank you GOD!!!!!!! 

Believe to deceive

 When it all looks too good

When you play in another's storied playground

You truly dont belong there

Too good to be true

I believe for too long

I bleed inside for the wounds yet healed

I see what I see 

And I foolishly believe what Is not there

The shadows of reality

The blind spots in my mind

I give my everything for the hidden beauty

That has clouded my mind

There is no anger or disappointment in others

I point to myself for the beauty clouded my mind

A broken man called a king

The delusion I fought so hard to believe

I found a piece of jewelry

On her neck so right 

I wanted to get back in her possession

But it wasn't really there

So when the dust all settles

I see a clearer path

My brain sees what the heart did not

delusion turns into perspective

So hail to the love birds

My honey, my baby, my heart

I've sprouted my wings from this nest I flee

From to the nest to reality

Thank you all its been so much fun

Diminishing returns begin to burn

So I feel ,I heal and persevere

Alone again as fate should be

I'm not angry , I'm not bitter

I'm at peace with my bad decisions

When you reach to bottom of where you  were

I can only ride and find my peace

God Bless You All, Gregasaurs

 

I'm Awake

 It's after midnight I'm exhausted

The chemo is kicking my ass

But I'm coming back to win this fight

Tomorrow brings another dose, bring it on

I have the world in my corner

My family of siblings and friends

My new family of beautiful people

We love we laugh we cry

It's 1246 in the morning

Sleep is nnot calling my name

I ponder what tomorrow bring to me

I'll enjoy every moment I'm alive

I'm fighting many battles right now

My health , my sons unhappiness

I'm trying to organize my plan of attack for each

So I put on the gloves and say "lets get it on"

When I think about my support group

The pains of worry I put them through

I'm reminded of what they tell me everyday

If it were us you'd be right there fighting for us

I cried the day I received flowers in the hospital

The card that came and the love inside

The pictures of my goddesses make me realize

I wanna stick around and enjoy this party

I'm in a good place right now

My body would beg to differ

My body and I have fought many battles at an early age

As I've aged they have grown in stature

I'm fighting to fulfill many orders to keep

Momma always told me to make a difference

Help others and never bring it up again

So I think I've helped a few, you know who you are

I'm in love with so much and so many

God knows I don't ask for much

I rarely pray for myself , I don't pray for a cure

But I pray for those who are sad where I am

When tomorrow comes and I believe it will

I'm not finished giving of myself or resources

I have so much left to give

And many people I can help

So God if you take me away

I understand and look forward to seeing momma and dad

If I'm spared I will make it worth your time

I devote myself to being a better man, father and Lover

So I'm exhausted and will force myself to sleep

Thinking about my loves in life you all know who you are

I turn the page on today

Tomorrow is a new chapter I look forward to

Sending love out to family, my girls and my chance to make a difference

Flawed

 I can look in the mirror and easily see the truths

So many years of looking the other way

So many times I would wipe that very mirror

And leave so much dirt behind

Recognition and consequence

Reminders of what I'm capable of

I can set the world on fire

I can burn my own house down

Playing with fragile pieces of artwork

The heart does what it can do

The mind presses forward for resolution

The acts of betrayal never to be forgotten

I remind myself that right and wrong are in my hands

I know I'm a better man than I was able to become

Raised with love and awareness and the wherewithal

To be that better man that I never became

Today I live in remorse for many things

The things I've given away

The things I took from others

The love that will never return from the Abyss

Always tried to be spiritually stable

Knowing the difference between heaven and hell

Putting myself on the dark side of town

My dark side has won and I'm still lost

I'm not a diamond in the rough

I'm not a turd sprinkled with hope

I'm flawed and repentant

And ashamed of the person I've become

I live in a minefield of missteps

Each flawed characteristic waiting to blow me away

I know where my danger lies

Unfortunately I realize my flawed capabilities

Today is a new day

Rebuild this broken fortress

Relinquish the guilt of ruining lives

Make a difference asshole or go away 

I Miss

 I miss the morning noises

I hear our puppy getting ready for his day

His tiny paws running out to play

I miss the warmth of a loving heart

I miss the anticipation of her arrival

I do miss my journey home to the happy place

I try to relate to all thats lost

I miss being Mr. Duran

I miss the long drives

I take these drives solo now

I do miss the great conversations

Singing and swaying to the music

I miss the thoughts of love

The feelings of being loved

I miss saying I love you

I created my own demise

I miss being cared for

I miss being adored and loved so much

I've missed out on so many things

I get my love from foreign places

I miss being the funny man

Getting you to laugh was never easy

You wouldn't give me the satisfaction

So I laughed at myself instead

I miss my kids so much

I miss the warmth of that big hug and kiss

I know I'll never get that feeling back

Just an afterthought of a man's mistakes

I've terrorized myself for being me

I don't miss the constant ass whipping

Self-inflicted pains from missing so much

I miss my Ms. Duran

I am missing out on her best life

Because I'm the reason she now lives it

Free of headaches and worry

She won't feel my pains its not her responsibility

I miss the levels of love I was adorned with

I miss the love I returned in kind

I miss my cupcake I didn't bake

My misbehaving I could not shake

I'm not happy and I'm not sad

I've lived my best life already

I missed out on so much more

I have to accept that living my fun life will suffice

I miss being the focal point of your day

Some days you are still mine to keep

Mine to lose and not my choice anymore

So I miss out but do know why

Some Thoughts

 Today was a throwback day 

I'm exploring my love for music again

I went out taking pictures today

I felt like writing a bit

Simple things that make me who I truly am

A song to sing along to

A picture of people at the beach

Writing about the bullshit I call mine

It's a simple life that I've complicated

I try to simplify but I'm not that simple

So I carry on and repair and replace

Want what I want now

Impatience still kicks my ass

Intolerance can piss me off 

But it's my world now

I can give a shit if I choose to

I was never predictable

But to be unpredictable

Now my daily ritual consists of

Trips to the gym and beach......religiously!

I love to be alone

Thinking out loud at times

Forever belittling myself for stupid things

Always forgiving myself for being an idiot

I often enjoy things I never thought of

Sleeping in a real bed

Retired and sleeping in until 11

Talking to people I don't know, just because

It's a different time in my life

Simple but complex at times

Removing emotions from my space

I can walk away from or towards anything I choose

So ,I will continue to wait for my retirement checks to come

take my trips when I feel the need

No schedules to follow just the lines in the road

The joys of retirement and getting old

The world I know

 I can't take back the nights

I hope to survive until sunrise

Apologies are meaningless

Hearts are in pieces everywhere

I won't look back anymore

The glass is broken beyond repair

Time for a new set of glasses

Time for a new perspective

I won't reach out

I can't pick up the phone anymore

No one calls or picks up the phone 

Time to change the number and turn another page

I can listen to the advice given

I see the error of my ways

Thats alright there's nobody to hurt anymore

The freedom to live the carefree life

Fast forward to my next test

Driving towards a rest stop to replenish

The restrictions of a life gone by

So many open avenues to travel

I've been very blessed

My failures never stopped me 

My victories were savored and forgotten

The new days bring opportunities I choose

If you say I had it all

I'd say it wasn't enough

I'm not as flawed as I thought

I'm just where I need to be

My head is on a swivel

No idea what I'm looking for

Don't want or need anything

The joys of the search to evolve

I'm not looking for an outcome

Unimpeded on my roads to somewhere

The beauty of my daily grind

No responsibilities, my world to own

Missing Pieces

I never understood how I searched for what was missing

Even in the calmest seas the waves were always crashing

 Looking for the things that I never needed

Never content with what I held in my hands

The missing pieces were always in place

Yet I tried to find it somewhere else

I don't blame you, myself  or anybody else

Just the realization of flaws and faults and a fragile mind

As time goes by the search slows down

I don't need anything, want anything I just don't

I smell the coffee, the roses and stop looking outside

Everything that matters is within my stride

No more dreams and visions of yesterday

It has all settled in and where it should be

No more missing pieces or chapters in my life

I accept my fate and final dates to be alive

the 1975 - somebody else // lyrics

I went For A Drive

 As usual my days are somewhat planned

I will go to the gym

I will go to the beach

I have my camera at the ready just in case

Today I skipped the beach

Decided on a long drive to an old launch of mine 

I decided to drive my favorite mountain road ever

The majestic Lake Casitas run on highway 150

Many past memories good and bad were ever present

This is the road I frequented while riding my motorcycles 

The road I estimate I have ridden 500 times

The road that almost killed me twice

It's been 5-6 years since I had ridden a motorcycle 

I miss the thrills, but the risks were too great

Each turn I choreographed as if I were on one of my motorcycles

Realizing the car I drive was not going to cut it

As the drive progressed my mind was wandering

Half on the road, half remembering when Terria and I would ride 

She had her bike, I had mine we shared the passion for a brief time

I recalled the worries about her safety as I constantly glanced back

The drive continued and I have memorized every turn and bump

I reach the roads end and jump on the freeway

As I head South towards home I am blaring my music

Another trigger song comes on and I play it through

Funny how chance plays a part in things

The song that came on has dual meaning to me

It was the only song I ever danced with Terria at our sons wedding

It came on the very spot Terria and I pulled off and got frisky 38 years ago

I didn't know whether to be happy, sad or furious

I cried for 5 miles and reminded myself that it didn't have to be like this

The cruel irony haunts me from time to time

The song by the 1975 "Somebody Else"

Going Back

 If I could turn back the hands of time

I probably would change a few thing

I never wanted a family ,wife or kids

Yet I did on both accounts

Would I change all of that

Should I have changed all of that

Through things I never wanted

I received an incredible amount of joy

Two failed marriages

Two broken families

Too much pain and destruction

One common denominator....ME

I've taken ownership of my misgivings

My bad decisions and awful actions

I look at the rubble piled behind me

So I stop looking back and look ahead

So many things I never said

Too many things I actually did

So much resentment from every angle

I've handled it well regardless of how they feel

I'm taking a step in a new direction

Health and welfare at the front of the line

My petty concerns are gone for good

My self-preservation at the hands of others

I've lived a great life done everything I've wanted

Not really much left but to collect a few paychecks

I won't go easily into the night

The darkness I create will be intentional

Opportunities Knock

 Every day and opportunity passes by

Each day I let it through

I can't grasp the freedoms to choose

So I make no choices at all

I'm not ready to dive in again

I won't be for a long time 

The daily rituals I call my own

I enjoy my schedule the way it is

When I get the call, the text, the mail

I read each line with a guarded mind and heart

Responsibility is not my friend

I can only be responsible for myself

I can't give you what you deserve today

I don't want to give at all

When new opportunities come my way

I must turn and walk away

My complexities since replaced with simplicity

I have no reasons to play that part

I drive alone, I think alone 

Where I'm at my very best

The warning label emblazoned on my head

Ever present never hidden

This is who and what I am

It's better that they stay away

 

Some day things will change

Not sure I'll worry too much

I'm enjoying being a single retiree

I write my rules and break them when I want to

Broken But Solid

 My body is broken ,damaged goods

My mind wanders from side to side

I always doubt my end results

My world is changing by the day

I keep looking back to my past

How did I make it this far

Where will I be in the morning?

I just got the opportunity to get there

It's been awhile since I held that conversation 

So refreshing to hear those words

I'm at peace in my world

The healing has since begun

Too much stock and emphasis placed

On something that doesn't want or care

In realizing it's ok to be flawed

Find another playground to call home

While you live your best life without me

I live my most enjoyable without you

My responsibility stands with me and for me

That freedom invigorates and allows me peace

You can enjoy February 14th like you should

I can enjoy my free spirit and schedule i create 

Days of something or nothing at all

Choices I make that affect only me

As I drive around town and look for ideas

People and places don't matter anymore

My favorite places and things to do

A 4 hour drive for no reason at all

No explanations or reasoning

No need to be accounted for

A life better lived alone and at peace with myself

Than to ask permission for all of the wrong things

Yes my body is broken but my mind is at peace

I'm on solid footing and I've changed my lanes

From moving in one direction now moving my compass

This solitude is what I've always needed

I Don't

 I don't want to be here today

I really don't want to be me anymore

My lost souls and broken life

Has taken it's toll on me today

Too much sorrow and so much pain

Celebrations that seem so hollow

I miss my girl so very much

All I want for her is to say hello

I don't know what tomorrow brings for me

I know this day has me in a state of cloudiness and tears

An old classic song in my ear this morning

The Carpenters"for all we know"

I've picked myself up off the ground so many times

Emotionally never rides

I've don't have a way to filter my feelings

So I empty them all at my feet

I'm tripping and skirting around the truths of my life

I see an empty barrel filling up with sadness and tears

I'm not quite sure if I'll make its through 

To see the finish line where I once knew I would be first

The one thing I do know is it hurts, hurts so bad

It hurts like I've lost my family , I have no friends

My thoughts aren't bright anymore

My demeanor a far cry from the brilliance I once championed

I don't know if we'll ever speak again

I just just know, I really don't

Dark

There are many red flags in my path

Many more from my past

I rarely share the things that make me feel bad

But it has always been at someones expense

I have walked away from many bad scenes

I've walked towards to get a better look

My heart and soul try to do what's right

I sometimes fail in my journey

I can break an arm or break a leg

Lie to your face and break your heart

Shoot you in the face with a loaded gun

OR shoot myself instead

The dirty side of the street had plans

I walked on the curb trying to decide

Which side of the tracks were better

I had crossed the street too many times

I once told someone I knew really well

If I had Cancer or a fatal disease

I would roam the streets and destroy with glee

Bad elements in this world

I still feel that way which makes me mad

That mentality is a losing venture

My anger for this world and people have never really gone away

So my arms are loaded and I flex my dark side

As angry as I have been, I've rarely raised a hand

I hit a man for charging at me and somehow broke my hand

A vicious side I've hidden so long buried very shallow

The flame's still hot but nobody has yet to burn

The details in my rage in life

Will go with me to my grave

 I won't rage or hate until I'm pushed

When I won't be able to save myself  or anyone else from a detonating bomb

12-2-1964

 Yesterday was your 60th birthday

I wished you a happy birthday and you acknowledged

I'm sure you celebrated very nicely

I'm so sorry I'm not a part of your celebrations anymore

We always celebrated with family or friends

Wonderful parties or dinners out

This is my second year not able to celebrate with you

I'm ashamed for the reasons why

I won't look back too much

The memories albeit good ,still hurt

The thought of not being there with you

Still seems unreal to me

I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday

May all of your wishes come true

I hope your life is better now

Somehow I think it already is!

God Bless you Terria Lynn

You were so good to me

I hate to keep looking back on the way it was 

But should focus on how it's going to be.

I just Want To Say Hello

 After deep thought and many sleepless nights

I find myself fighting the same battles from a year ago

Thoughts of failing my family

Feelings that haven't diminished yet

The feelings are cyclical and come at odd times

Triggers seem to be less frequent this time

But seem to hit me harder when they do come

I cried myself to sleep last night thinking a good thought

I think about my boys, my grand children

Memories of helping to raise them , watch them grow

Proud of their progress and missing my holidays with them

Missing my wife who did nothing wrong

My feelings are all over the floor

Spread out like wrapping paper on Christmas morning

I try to pick them up and throw them away

I'm not ready to throw my memories away just yet

When I go to bed each night I always ask

How are you doing I wish I was there

When I wake up in the morning , I look at my messages

Hoping one day you'll care

I can get sad at times but I do reel it in

My focus wanders to so many places at once

My issues are deeper than I am able to fill

I want to feel good, be good to my kids and family

I re-arrange a line from a song

" I still think of you and all the SHIT I put you through"

I know I was wrong"

This song, this thought resonates with me 

When the wind blows past me it's gone forever

Reminiscent of my former life

I hold on tight to the goodness I was given every day

I dropped the ball of human kindness and being a better MAN

Your presence is still very apparent

Your essence engrained in my sinuses

I feel your hands even as they pushed me away

I have lived a very good life

When I see you again I often wonder

Will it be at the store, Pharmacy, Bank or a red light

I know for sure I'll smile a big smile

I hope you will do the same

I have a Million things to say to you

Most have been written and shared in this space

The opportunity or desire to speak may never come

Just know you were so incredible and I was just a LIE!

Lost Faith

 I have wondered if the pains I feel

Are my rewards for giving out pain throughout my life

Retribution for my bad decisions

I earn it all with each painful step

I can't complain about anything that is happening

It brings people joy to know I hurt too

I gave it like a bad man

I take it like a man, sadly but that's the way it goes

I think about my silent life

So quiet and unassuming

I don't hear anything or say very much

Just trying to make it to the next day

There's not much left for me to do

There's really nothing worthwhile I can do

Each day is a struggle to find my purpose

Each day I wonder if it will be my last

looking out I can't see much left

Living the days as if on borrowed time

I will go where the wind takes me

Don't really care where I go

There are so many things that have left my side

Some really good and some not so important

I've lost a family and a happy home

The biggest and best parts of me, gone for good

Unfortunately I lost my faith

Rain Go Away

 For whatever reason the overcast weather is depressing

It instantly puts me in a darker mood than normal

Hard to motivate and get started

I wait for the sunshine that never came

As a southern Californian we expect great weather

350 days out of the year we have it

It's expensive to live here and never going down

We pay the weather tax which nobody complains about

The body hurts more than normal

The mood a little bit negative

The weather really can change your frame of mind

It's a couple days out of the year, I'll be fine

Tomorrows forecast is 85% chance of rain

I'll need to sneak out and get to the gym

Keep a good thought and stay indoors

We'll hope for sunshine eventually

Day Off

It's Sunday night and not much to think about

Times like this when thoughts are abundant

I talk myself down from digging in deep

I need a restful night not and not another headache

Today was a good day  

I was a day to accomplish a few things and sleep in a bit

There was some bad TV on, I didn't care

I told myself to be happy and not look back

So I'm listening to myself

Walking away from an internal conflict

Shying away from a good mental hopscotch

I will ungracefully walk away

It's a great night to read or write

Most times I would think

Today is different for me now

I'm taking a day off from my life