A look Back

I was listening to a song the other day
a Flashback to another time in my life
It brought about joy and pain
And wonder why I went back to that again?


Sometimes I wonder if I want to feel
And wonder if  suppression is my friend
I'm confused at times and cannot hide
the confusion that makes me stop, ponder and question


I go way back to the Boy on the Can
that little boy on the Folgers can
Care free, worry free and so full of questions
What was my life going to bring to this world


My ambitions were never set in stone
Nor were there any desires of fame or fortunes
Reality took a front seat where I sat that day
A coffee can of simplicity and youthful energy


I look back to where I have been
Childhood, puberty and parenthood
The steps in between are foggy now
But I recall enough to shake my head!


I wonder what I saw or what I heard
as a boy whose only thought was to try be happy
Yet the storms and words were thrown about
and the bottles of courage that made us weak


Do I resent the world from which I rose?
I grew up normal I suppose
But my normal seems so strange to me
Everything I know is an anomaly.


I'm not complaining or crying out
I question the things we talk about
I'm married now and all grown up
why do I feel like a newborn pup


Evolving into a better man
trying to grow in ways the best I can
The enemy my mirrored reflection
Self imposed pressures from all directions.


My trigger points are far too many
Not good or bad just thought provoking
I think too much and that's my crutch
I wish I wouldn't feel so much.


A certain song or a particular building
reminds me of an awkward ending
pointing fingers and pulling those triggers
I take ownership and try to be bigger


I wear the armor ,I build the walls
One man job that life is not
I sing a song that brings me peace
A Tumultuous world where drama won't cease


I read and Pray and come to grips
With this powerless feeling at my finger tips
I hold the things that mean so much
And discard away this negative crutch!

Another Tomorrow

Not sure why this time feels different, I feel no sense of worry, or fears at all. just a notable difference in my mindset and attitude towards it all. 3rd operation in 8 months and am totally over the idea of aging and getting run down, breaking down and feeling old some days where it hurts to be me. I do realize that father time is no kind father at all, the only lessons taught are the pains felt and the agonies of cracking knees and aching feet. I work so hard to stay ahead of it all but time , gravity and genetics are not kind at all. Reminded Terria the other day how hard I work to be healthy and how hard it is , especially at this stage in our middle years and life and the world sometimes takes a front seat to it all. I also remember telling her that I haven't had a guilt free meal since I was 12 years old and always fighting a weight issue has been a fight, albeit and unpleasant one but a challenge I do look forward to sometimes! How sad that is to me, to hear myself say, since I was 12 years old I haven't enjoyed an Ice Cream or a piece of Pie, cake or nice rich Pasta meal without fearing how tight my clothes would be If I continued to do more of the same. Odd how as a 12 year old athletic boy who played all day and had no computer games or cell phone to teach me ant-social behaviors like that of today.  Busy kids riding bikes and playing football and Baseball, always had a Hoop to shoot Baskets and we did, still have the hoop in front of the house. That his since been replaced with Bicycles and Gym memberships and the fight continues on.


Not sure why I am reflecting back on my childhood and wondering why this operation is different than any other I have had, I feel good and positive that it will relieve the pains and discomfort of what I deal with and have been dealing with for the past 5 years , only  recently diagnosed and "this is the reason why I have not been able to feel well after meals." I always wonder if I have shown my family my love and care for them? or been the parent , the Husband that I should have been, hate to think that I would go out and leave those thoughts and words unspoken or not shown on a daily basis to the ones that really matter to me. So many good things in my world and in my every day life that it seems unfair to be so blessed and yet sometimes so unappreciative of it all. I hate to be a worry or a bother to anyone and truly hate to be at somebody else's mercy while my loved wait for my safe returns. I have my strong beliefs and my strong faith and know that things are what they are meant to be. I don't pray for myself , but pray for others in times of  worry to be at peace and give me to the power that be! Don't write much anymore and do realize that It's a certain place or mindset that draws me to write, either angry, or afraid, happy or sad I've been all over the charts with emotions when I choose to write and share a thought with myself. Self talk just makes me sound like a street person who has lost his mind, I'm not there yet but close enough to give it a shot at times just to break up the puzzle a bit. So I write and try to communicate some lost or hidden feelings about where I am today, I'm sure this time tomorrow It will be a different thought and no real desire to write about it , but today I feel it so I write about it. Come soon tomorrow and let it be another rivers flow under the bridge of the world as we know and the life that we live, G

Where Am I now

It seems like years have passed me by
Love and life wrestle for position
I've lost a step, or lost my swagger altogether
I don't do much very well anymore
But what I do well, I do very well indeed!
Maybe it's the realization of aging
Could be I'm not the spry runner or cyclist I once was
Determined to go that extra distance for fitness sake
Today, My hip, my back and my knee are barking at me to slow down
I have no choice but to listen and ready an MRI
I have the strength to make it to the gym
I have the desire to jump on my bike
Each endeavor pushes at my will and character
Sometimes I want to give it all up!
I always think I could never give up
But age and reality tells me otherwise
So I fight the fight that we all must endure
I will be reminded of my bumps, scars and aches daily
Not an old man, just getting there
Youth all around to remind me what I used to be
today is a reality that I sometimes struggle to compete with.
Pity party notwithstanding, I'm a blessed soul with so many gifts given to me
It's a holiday everyday, a picnic ongoing and a world of love and life abounding!
So today I reflect on the past, look forward to the future and just try so hard!
Try hard to enjoy the moment , and the goodness in our world regardless of the bad around us
Cannot penetrate the walls of where I sit, where I live and breathe today.
I am very sore, very tired and very upset at myself for feeling all of these things
Yet my biggest dilemma today is what's for dinner
and do I ride the bike or go to the gym...tough life indeed!!!

Hello Me!

Hard to believe that a full year has gone by since my last post. I have lived a very charmed life and have grown so much in the past year , thinking about love and loss and kids , grandkids  and the loves in my life I call family. Going to breakfast with my family, To dinner with my wife and friends and always surrounded by love and life of positive energy. I try so very hard to figure out what I have done to deserve the people in my life, the love that I receive and positive thoughts my family and few friends always have for me. Her I stand the black sheep of this wonderful family, my wife the saint, my siblings are amazing human beings and the great memories of my parents and the lessons taught and learned along the way. I feel so very happy to be me these days, , age is not a factor yet but the body is starting to remind me that the days of old are long gone, the legs and feet are sore and hurt, yet I'm able to go to my workouts and ride my Bicycles at will the way a young person can and the way that I used to when I was much younger.


As I think about another school year starting up for the family, the newness of the year and the routine of old, everyday seems like a day that we should celebrate in it's entirety, believing that its a days closer to something better waiting to happen? That's an optimistic view of it at least and a view that I truly believe that I feel to be true. I am blessed for I don't have bad days, bad nights or too many bad thoughts, the world is so very small and the new world as it stands is so different than what I can believe in, so I don't , I try to take my own realities and hold onto the goodness of each one, Terria and the boys, the family and the in laws, brother and sister. Yeah  ,I do wonder how it all came to this and all came to me, sitting in my lap. Why me, why not somebody else, the self-proclaimed asshole that still is, opinions and ideas, louds thoughts and vulgar remarks, non PC in a Wanna be PC world. Anything for humor right ? so I laugh , make people laugh, it's soothing to me , to laugh aloud, laugh at myself first, then pay it forward t the world waiting to be humiliated. "no Greg, you're not an asshole, you're a good person" I don't have a week to dispute that so I wont. As Popeye says "I am what I am "


It's a 3 day weekend for me and will do my gym, my rides, my breakfasts and lunch dates with wife and family and surround myself with the small crew that makes my life credible. Living and working where I do  I hear the stories of lost loves, broken hearts and families. Sick pets and drunken stupors abounding! I can't help but feel bad for those who are in pain  but am defenseless to help  or be anything other than  an ear of compassion. When self medication is a bottle a pill or a bad decision away , my hands are tied here to assist, to be there and to be a better , husband, father, brother or friend. I guess it's hard to understand pains when I really have little personal experience to draw from to relate. So now that I have said hello to me again, and checked back in here, it may be awhile before I return , or could be back tomorrow????

An Observation

Enjoying the new bike, a nice departure from the daily gym visits and a freedom away from the same atmosphere every day. Not much going on here today , just another day in what most call paradise, I get to call my every day! Was feeling like reading and have 3 books to read, but have yet to crack them open in earnest and give them a whirl. Not sure why or how I have excluded them into my daily routine. will make a point to re-examine that this evening as I'm off tomorrow from a short work week and nothing to do, yet all day in which to do it. Hmmmm, what will I do, Gym , breakfast motorcycle ride, or the other way around and throw in a bicycle ride in between or afterwards? who know, no plans no  hurries or no concerns just a day free from work and restrictions.

Still think about mom on occasion, a lot to process sometimes, I hear her voice and feel her presence when I do certain things that I know made her laugh or get angry with me. When I open up the numerous picture of my granddaughters I think of my Mom, she was always so happy to see them or to see pictures of them and always made her smile...always!!!!!I haven't cried with my mom for a while now and when it comes it really comes, I catch myself thinking why am I crying, I'm not crying for her, I'm crying for me and how selfish is that? She doesn't want me to cry, she wants to be let go and let to spread her wings from pains and aches and distress that her body let her down and she was good with it all. so strong and so proud of her kids and grandkids that they have all forged their own place in this world. The gifts of love are all around and never take a  day off, we were and are blessed with eternal love and happiness that our mother taught us to embrace. We hold on tight to many things for the wrong reasons at time, this goodness that we hold onto is a lifelong journey that will never be let go. I am thankful for what I have in my life and all that share this goodness with me. I can look at today with gusto and look towards tomorrow with anticipation not angst. I'm a complex soul in a complex world with many simple moving parts around me. this I cannot control butI make the best of what situation will allow.

In looking around me I see so much that makes me happy, troubles me and even Stuns me at the enormity of it being so ridiculous,  not for shock values' sake but the mere fact that people ,laces and things are so important to so many when they should probably be an after thought. This game of follow the leader sensationalism is at times , hilarious, sad and trivial yet it takes over most mindset. We can Facebook this ,Instagram that ,text and call them all, snapchat me and draw attention to ourselves for all the trivial reasons that society deems newsworthy and important.  yet that picture of you and your Seattle based cup of coffee made to drink and satisfy is not the end all be all, does not change the world one bit, not even your own ,but maybe your view of your own self -importance in the grand scheme of things. May sound cynical but stupidity and wasted time and energy come at a price. You all give me so much entertainment and need to stop the show for intermission . Just my observation is all!  And how it got from there to here I will never know???

Motherly Strength!

A thought runs through my mind
Makes me wonder where it came from
A blur of memories cross the line
some are painful ,some are funny

I miss my Mom so much today
She promoted happiness and stood behind it
I hear the voice to bring in groceries
My childhood that never left me

Thanking mom for the lessons taught
appreciating discipline now that I'm grown
And comprehending my every day a little bit more
Losing her surely gives me perspective

This small house now seems so large
The history and stories grown in size
It's empty bedrooms tell great stories
where so much love was given freely

We miss our mom very much today
Tomorrow surely will feel the same
I hear her words and see her determination
Makes me afraid to fail her now

My siblings share what I feel
differently but still very similar
Our relationships were all so different
Yet the common denominator was Love and respect

My last thought was for God to take her away
And when he did, I wanted her back
The fickle mind tricks we make ourselves play
when we have no say in the end result

I know our purpose will be felt
Our mother taught us very well
To live full lives and "Be Nice To Everybody"
even if they aren't worthy of it all

Thank you mom for being You!
The strength, the lesson , the voice of righteousness
You gave so much of your self
now we can give it back and pay it forward

June 19,2015 6:16 pm.

The day was a long one for sure, I left work early because I needed to be with my momma on what is now known as her last day. My sorrow and empty feeling inside made me realize that it was here and it was here now for us all to embrace as reality.  As I arrived at the house I could sense the end was near and it was a feeling of multiple emotions, some were of sadness and of remorse, others were of relief and of finality to an end of pain and discomfort. As the day progressed and family and friends loomed around, we shared food and drinks and some laughs meanwhile my mother holding on to life fighting for each breath of air as we watched her chest rise and fall and repeat the process for the next 8 hours. Each of us stood vigil for a stint in her small bedroom adorned with family pictures and beanie babies! The hours grew later and we waited for My Son Brandon to arrive from work, he was done at 6 and was running a little late from a dead battery. The 6 pm alarm chimes on the family clock in the living room and does it's thing until completion. We are eating and drinking whatever we had to eat and drink and I look at the clock and it is now 6:15 pm as I see Brandon pass by as I look out to the street. one minute later at 6:16 I hear cries from the bedroom and conversations going on with my mother , she had left us and went to another world. Just then My son walks in and sees me stunned and with tears in my eyes "She's gone son" I tell him, he hugs me and we cry in each others arms for a few minutes. After the realization sets in we are all very tranquil, maybe a sense of peace has set in even amongst the sorrow and pain we gather to reflect the all of positives that just occurred, she can now soar in the Heavens, hang out with Dad and do whatever her body did not allow her to do , do it freely from here on and be at ease knowing her kids will be fine! I have such an mazing family support system from my siblings to my in-laws and my wife and kids that have given so much love throughout the entire process. Thank you To all that held our hands and gave us the needed love and attention during this very hard time in our lives, So much to say and so many thoughts still being processed as I speak. day to day they will come to fruition and be dealt with properly, God Bless you all.