Peacefully Angry!

There are days in my world where the sun shines perfectly, the wind blows quietly and the world is seemingly at peace, yet the silent wars rage between my ears and I try to negotiate and to conquer without battles or fights ,just reason! Today is like most everyday, my exterior shows the goodness of a loving person who loves all and cares for all , but deep inside there is a hurricane of thoughts and mind provocing inactiviities lingering in the backgrounds of tomorrow. I could run away or stay to play in the battlefield of today, the days are perfect for the perfect storm and yet i stay and clamly convince myself ,It will be alright. It will be alright, sounds like the cheesy songs from the 70's where dylan-esque prose is taking a holiday away from the world. today is another day in the rest of my being ,I can only pretend to mount my offensive from the bowels deep within. My mind is a dry twig waiting to  snap if stepped upon. i'm angry yet tranquil, I'm loving yet hate filled, I love my life, yet I despise my life for all the things I should have been. appreciation have a deferred meaning because todays gold could be tomorrow's manure for me. I create my own complexities because i can , i fix my own spokes because i intentionally break them, my mind my heart are in a constant state of regeneration because standing still just doesnt cut it anymore. So say Hello to the funny man, the happy man the man who had a plan and got distracted alond the way , the man who hates haters and yet hates who he can be, the man who loves to love so much yet loves being alone when he is alone. My minds canvas is a blank slate full of evil turns and deceitful crashes of reality. I anger myself for feeling this way , i catch myself because I always do and after i have heard my last goddamn pity partty story about some bullshit on the Lake and some fucked up decisions i have made in my days i forge, I am forging towards whatever it takes to make today better, a make tomorrow less ambiguous and add color to the grey skies over head. I make no promises other than the borrowed time i now live upon and live within is a loan i cannot pay back or a debt that i refuse to pay if I could. i've touched, felt, heard, held ,cried,empathized all while fantacizing about hitting a curveball 500 feet, hitting a chicane leading to the straightaway on my motorcycle at 185 and crossing the finish line period, no order or place , just in my own race and speed where nothing matters but the participation of good things, people and places. Yes it does pay to be the happiest man on the planet at 530am each and every morning and wake up means eyes open and ready, it also helps to be the most compassionate person on the planet even with a bowed back and an aching knee to remind me of my mileage meter running much to fast. I woud love to sleep through the night, hear no Dogs and cars drive by to snap my lids open, but it doesnt work that way, the realities are what they have become, are what i have placed myself into, and when the rains come down and cleanse my hands from the dirty fields i play on, there will be a clean man ready to play another day of life tomorrow and beyond!