Going Back

 If I could turn back the hands of time

I probably would change a few thing

I never wanted a family ,wife or kids

Yet I did on both accounts

Would I change all of that

Should I have changed all of that

Through things I never wanted

I received an incredible amount of joy

Two failed marriages

Two broken families

Too much pain and destruction

One common denominator....ME

I've taken ownership of my misgivings

My bad decisions and awful actions

I look at the rubble piled behind me

So I stop looking back and look ahead

So many things I never said

Too many things I actually did

So much resentment from every angle

I've handled it well regardless of how they feel

I'm taking a step in a new direction

Health and welfare at the front of the line

My petty concerns are gone for good

My self-preservation at the hands of others

I've lived a great life done everything I've wanted

Not really much left but to collect a few paychecks

I won't go easily into the night

The darkness I create will be intentional

Opportunities Knock

 Every day and opportunity passes by

Each day I let it through

I can't grasp the freedoms to choose

So I make no choices at all

I'm not ready to dive in again

I won't be for a long time 

The daily rituals I call my own

I enjoy my schedule the way it is

When I get the call, the text, the mail

I read each line with a guarded mind and heart

Responsibility is not my friend

I can only be responsible for myself

I can't give you what you deserve today

I don't want to give at all

When new opportunities come my way

I must turn and walk away

My complexities since replaced with simplicity

I have no reasons to play that part

I drive alone, I think alone 

Where I'm at my very best

The warning label emblazoned on my head

Ever present never hidden

This is who and what I am

It's better that they stay away

 

Some day things will change

Not sure I'll worry too much

I'm enjoying being a single retiree

I write my rules and break them when I want to

Broken But Solid

 My body is broken ,damaged goods

My mind wanders from side to side

I always doubt my end results

My world is changing by the day

I keep looking back to my past

How did I make it this far

Where will I be in the morning?

I just got the opportunity to get there

It's been awhile since I held that conversation 

So refreshing to hear those words

I'm at peace in my world

The healing has since begun

Too much stock and emphasis placed

On something that doesn't want or care

In realizing it's ok to be flawed

Find another playground to call home

While you live your best life without me

I live my most enjoyable without you

My responsibility stands with me and for me

That freedom invigorates and allows me peace

You can enjoy February 14th like you should

I can enjoy my free spirit and schedule i create 

Days of something or nothing at all

Choices I make that affect only me

As I drive around town and look for ideas

People and places don't matter anymore

My favorite places and things to do

A 4 hour drive for no reason at all

No explanations or reasoning

No need to be accounted for

A life better lived alone and at peace with myself

Than to ask permission for all of the wrong things

Yes my body is broken but my mind is at peace

I'm on solid footing and I've changed my lanes

From moving in one direction now moving my compass

This solitude is what I've always needed

I Don't

 I don't want to be here today

I really don't want to be me anymore

My lost souls and broken life

Has taken it's toll on me today

Too much sorrow and so much pain

Celebrations that seem so hollow

I miss my girl so very much

All I want for her is to say hello

I don't know what tomorrow brings for me

I know this day has me in a state of cloudiness and tears

An old classic song in my ear this morning

The Carpenters"for all we know"

I've picked myself up off the ground so many times

Emotionally never rides

I've don't have a way to filter my feelings

So I empty them all at my feet

I'm tripping and skirting around the truths of my life

I see an empty barrel filling up with sadness and tears

I'm not quite sure if I'll make its through 

To see the finish line where I once knew I would be first

The one thing I do know is it hurts, hurts so bad

It hurts like I've lost my family , I have no friends

My thoughts aren't bright anymore

My demeanor a far cry from the brilliance I once championed

I don't know if we'll ever speak again

I just just know, I really don't

Dark

There are many red flags in my path

Many more from my past

I rarely share the things that make me feel bad

But it has always been at someones expense

I have walked away from many bad scenes

I've walked towards to get a better look

My heart and soul try to do what's right

I sometimes fail in my journey

I can break an arm or break a leg

Lie to your face and break your heart

Shoot you in the face with a loaded gun

OR shoot myself instead

The dirty side of the street had plans

I walked on the curb trying to decide

Which side of the tracks were better

I had crossed the street too many times

I once told someone I knew really well

If I had Cancer or a fatal disease

I would roam the streets and destroy with glee

Bad elements in this world

I still feel that way which makes me mad

That mentality is a losing venture

My anger for this world and people have never really gone away

So my arms are loaded and I flex my dark side

As angry as I have been, I've rarely raised a hand

I hit a man for charging at me and somehow broke my hand

A vicious side I've hidden so long buried very shallow

The flame's still hot but nobody has yet to burn

The details in my rage in life

Will go with me to my grave

 I won't rage or hate until I'm pushed

When I won't be able to save myself  or anyone else from a detonating bomb

12-2-1964

 Yesterday was your 60th birthday

I wished you a happy birthday and you acknowledged

I'm sure you celebrated very nicely

I'm so sorry I'm not a part of your celebrations anymore

We always celebrated with family or friends

Wonderful parties or dinners out

This is my second year not able to celebrate with you

I'm ashamed for the reasons why

I won't look back too much

The memories albeit good ,still hurt

The thought of not being there with you

Still seems unreal to me

I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday

May all of your wishes come true

I hope your life is better now

Somehow I think it already is!

God Bless you Terria Lynn

You were so good to me

I hate to keep looking back on the way it was 

But should focus on how it's going to be.

I just Want To Say Hello

 After deep thought and many sleepless nights

I find myself fighting the same battles from a year ago

Thoughts of failing my family

Feelings that haven't diminished yet

The feelings are cyclical and come at odd times

Triggers seem to be less frequent this time

But seem to hit me harder when they do come

I cried myself to sleep last night thinking a good thought

I think about my boys, my grand children

Memories of helping to raise them , watch them grow

Proud of their progress and missing my holidays with them

Missing my wife who did nothing wrong

My feelings are all over the floor

Spread out like wrapping paper on Christmas morning

I try to pick them up and throw them away

I'm not ready to throw my memories away just yet

When I go to bed each night I always ask

How are you doing I wish I was there

When I wake up in the morning , I look at my messages

Hoping one day you'll care

I can get sad at times but I do reel it in

My focus wanders to so many places at once

My issues are deeper than I am able to fill

I want to feel good, be good to my kids and family

I re-arrange a line from a song

" I still think of you and all the SHIT I put you through"

I know I was wrong"

This song, this thought resonates with me 

When the wind blows past me it's gone forever

Reminiscent of my former life

I hold on tight to the goodness I was given every day

I dropped the ball of human kindness and being a better MAN

Your presence is still very apparent

Your essence engrained in my sinuses

I feel your hands even as they pushed me away

I have lived a very good life

When I see you again I often wonder

Will it be at the store, Pharmacy, Bank or a red light

I know for sure I'll smile a big smile

I hope you will do the same

I have a Million things to say to you

Most have been written and shared in this space

The opportunity or desire to speak may never come

Just know you were so incredible and I was just a LIE!